Trauma Bonding: Recognizing the Signs

Learn how to break the trauma bond cycle in your life

Co-authored by Rebecca Tenzer, MAT, MA, LCSW, CCTP, CGCS, CCATP, CCFP and Jennifer Mueller, JD

Last Updated: June 15, 2024 Fact Checked

If you've ever struggled to let go of a relationship that you knew deep down was bad for you, it's possible you've experienced a trauma bond. This emotional bond is formed between a victim and their abuser in the context of an abusive relationship and can make it very difficult for the victim to break free. ^{[1]
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Trustworthy Source
Cleveland Clinic
Educational website from one of the world's leading hospitals
Go to source} We talked to clinical therapist Rebecca Tenzer to learn the strongest signs of trauma bonding, as well as what you can do to stop the cycle if you notice these signs in your own relationship.

Common Signs of Trauma Bonding

Justifying the abuse or defending the abuser
Keeping the abuse a secret
Walking on eggshells to avoid provoking the abuser
Feeling dependent on the abuser
Blaming yourself for the abuser's behavior
Feeling isolated from friends and family
Feeling powerless to leave the relationship

1

You feel an intense and overwhelming attraction.

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Your partner has swept you off of your feet. You felt a powerful attraction to your partner when the two of you first met, an attraction that it seems has only strengthened. They love and care for you exactly the way you need to be loved and cared for. ^{[2]
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Research source}
- What it looks like: Excessive compliments, romantic gestures, giving gifts, and lots of physical affection.
- How to break the bond: Try to slow the relationship down . Limit how often you see your partner and avoid making any big changes that would accelerate the relationship (such as moving in together).

2

Your partner alternates between being loving and abusive.

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The good times are so good you may be convinced they outweigh the bad. Clinical therapist Rebecca Tenzer notes that when an "episode of harm or abuse takes place, there's then a period of romanticizing, or the honeymoon stage." When your partner is being loving and kind, they seem to be the kindest, most loving person you've ever known. This often allows you to excuse the abusive periods or write them off. You might tell yourself the abuse doesn't reflect who your partner really is. ^{[3]
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Trustworthy Source
Cleveland Clinic
Educational website from one of the world's leading hospitals
Go to source}
- What it looks like: Abuse followed by an apology, and a seemingly heartfelt attempt to "do better" followed by a relapse into abuse.
- How to break the bond: Keep a journal and write detailed entries during the abusive periods. Go back and read them when your partner is in the love-bombing phase of the cycle to remind yourself who they really are.

3

There is a power imbalance between you and your partner.

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The abusive partner has power over the victim. For some trauma-bonded couples, this power is literal—but it can also be purely psychological. You might feel as though you can't do anything without talking to your partner first, or you might avoid making decisions or doing things for fear of triggering your partner's abusive side. ^{[4]
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Research source} Clinical therapist Rebecca Tenzer notes that "the person who is the victim often becomes dependent on the relationship with their abuser."
- What it looks like: The abusive partner might have financial power because they make more money than the victim, or the abusive partner might have strong preferences and fly off the handle when things don't go their way.
- How to break the bond: Start taking control in small areas of your life. Make decisions for yourself without thinking about what your partner would want you to do.

4

You defend your partner and justify their abusive actions.

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Because you adore your partner you tend to ignore their red flags. You might simply believe that there's a good reason your partner acted the way they did—they were tired or overwhelmed, for example. You'll also internalize this thought process, believing that if you were only a better partner, they wouldn't treat you this way. ^{[5]
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Trustworthy Source
Cleveland Clinic
Educational website from one of the world's leading hospitals
Go to source} Clinical therapist Rebecca Tenzer adds that "a lot of times those red flags that people might initially see might be disguised as 'Oh, the person really cares about me. They want to look out for my best interest. They're trying to protect me from the outside world.'"
- What it looks like: You say that your partner wouldn't have acted abusively if you hadn't triggered it, you believe that you deserve to be treated how your partner treats you, and you tell friends or family that your partner "isn't that bad" or that they just don't understand.
- How to break the bond: Recognize that only your partner is responsible for their actions. Even if you did something that triggered a reaction, they made the choice of how they would react.

5

Your partner isolates you from your support system.

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Having fewer people around you gives your partner more control. It's likely that your partner understands that your close friends and family members are likely to call your attention to their abusive behavior. Making you feel guilty about being with your friends and family enables them to be the only voice in your life that will explain reality to you. ^{[6]
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Trustworthy Source
Cleveland Clinic
Educational website from one of the world's leading hospitals
Go to source} Clinical therapist Rebecca Tenzer notes that this can start fairly early in the relationship, where "things might seem a little strange at first, like maybe there's a little bit of your partner trying to isolate you [or] keep you away from your family and friends."
- What it looks like: Your partner complains about your friends or insists they're a bad influence on you, you no longer do things socially that you used to do all the time, and your friends or family complain that they never see you. Tenzer also mentions that your partner "might even start to kind of brainwash you to believe that your family or friends are not good for you or causing you harm."
- How to break the bond: Reach out to close friends or family members individually and explain what has happened. Make plans to meet up with them, if you can, at a time when your partner will be busy.