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15 Ways to Be a More Passionate & Intimate Lover

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Stay connected to your partner and spice things up with these tips

Co-authored by Shelby Devlin, MA and Jennifer Mueller, JD

Last Updated: August 9, 2024 Fact Checked

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For a lot of people, sex is a pretty important part of any romantic relationship. Sure, it's not the only thing, but it's up there—and maybe you feel like you could be better at it. That's totally normal! Of course, you want to knock your partner's socks off. If you'd like to be a better lover, you've come to the right place. We interviewed expert psychologists and sex therapists to find out how you can become a better lover, both in and out of the bedroom.

Things You Should Know

Communication and intimacy are key to a great romantic and sexual relationship. Spend quality time with your partner in and out of the bedroom.
Flirt with your partner and show appreciation so they know that you're interested in them all the time.
Stay in the moment during sex and don't be afraid to try something new. Accept those moments of awkwardness and share a laugh together.

1

Communicate with your partner.

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Talk about what you like and don't like. Talking about sex might feel awkward or uncomfortable at first, but it doesn't need to be! Start a no-pressure conversation by asking your partner about their dreams and fantasies. Find out what turns them on, then share with them what turns you on. ^{[1]
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- Licensed marriage and family therapist Jin S. Kim notes that "having a discussion about how each partner would like to express and receive love (also known as 'love languages') can be valuable in not only learning about each other but also promoting more effective communication."
- Licensed clinical psychologist Susan Pazak advises you to "say what you need, want, and fantasize about. Be direct as this allows for the conversation which will lead to more enjoyable sex."

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2

Nurture intimacy with your partner.

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Practice being emotionally vulnerable through self-disclosure. When you share something with your partner that you've never told anyone else, it forges a close bond with them. This emotional intimacy helps the two of you understand one another on a deeper level. ^{[2]
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- In terms of physical intimacy, sex and intimacy coach Shelby Devlin recommends "having a naked cuddle... as a great way to connect with your partner" because it "takes the pressure off of sexual interaction but it's deeply intimate and sensual."
- Devlin continues that "being naked together in general, taking a bath together, taking a shower together, giving each other massages, those are all ways that we can intimately connect and focus on that connection."

3

Validate your partner's thoughts and feelings.

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Help your partner feel safe being vulnerable with you. Validation is the foundation of a healthy, loving relationship. To validate your partner , repeat back to them what they've said about how they think or feel and let them know that it's perfectly normal to think or feel that way. Empathize so they understand that even if you don't feel the same way, you still accept their feelings and get where they're coming from. ^{[3]
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- When your partner feels safe with you, they'll feel more comfortable being open and honest with you.
- Clinical psychologist Dr. Sarah Schewitz agrees that healthy communication "involves understanding your partner's perspective, it involves validating your partner's perspective."

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4

Spend quality time with your partner.

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Enjoy spending time with each other outside the bedroom. Licensed clinical psychologist Susan Pazak emphasizes that "sex will be more enjoyable when love tanks are filled in other areas of life. Meet needs and wants during other activities as this expresses love for one another throughout the day, which then leads to you wanting to express love sexually and please your partner and yourself in a physical way."
- When the two of you like hanging out with each other and enjoy each other's presence, it makes it a lot easier to feel comfortable with each other sexually and not be afraid to try new things.
EXPERT TIP

Lauren Urban, LCSW
Licensed Psychotherapist
Lauren Urban is a licensed psychotherapist in Brooklyn, New York, with over 13 years of therapy experience working with children, families, couples, and individuals. She received her Masters in Social Work from Hunter College in 2006, and specializes in working with the LGBTQIA community and with clients in recovery or considering recovery for drug and alcohol use.

Lauren Urban, LCSW
Licensed Psychotherapist

Use this time to learn how your partner likes to receive love. Your natural way of showing affection might not always match their needs, and that's okay! Find a happy balance that feels good for both of you and respects your comfort level.

5

Show appreciation to your partner.

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Acknowledge all the little things your partner does for you. Research has shown that showing gratitude and appreciation to your partner triggers your brain to release the hormone oxytocin, sometimes called the "love hormone." This hormone helps build a stronger connection between the two of you. ^{[4]
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- Showing appreciation means more than thanking your partner when they do something for you—it also means noticing when they could use some help and pitching in without being asked.
- Clinical psychologist Dr. Sarah Schewitz notes that "being romantic means going out of your way to do something for your partner that they may not expect." Paying attention to them and showing appreciation shows that you notice all of those little things they do.

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6

Flirt with your partner on a regular basis.

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Rekindle the flame with playfulness and physical touch. Continuing to flirt with your partner is a great way to keep your relationship fresh. But if you've been together for a while, the flirting can sometimes fall by the wayside. Flirting is can increase sexual tension and build excitement for sexual encounters, which will likely make your sexual experiences more enjoyable. ^{[5]
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- For example, you might send your partner flirty texts during the day while the two of you are at work. It can help create sexual tension that will make things more intense when you're together.

7

Build your own self-confidence.

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Work on your self-image to feel more comfortable. Increase your self-esteem by focusing on your strengths rather than obsessing over your flaws. Studies show that your sex life can naturally improve if you start to feel better about yourself. ^{[6]
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Trustworthy Source
Harvard Medical School
Harvard Medical School's Educational Site for the Public
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- For example, if you have a negative body image, you might start exercising so that you have more energy and feel more comfortable in your own skin.
- Remember that your partner loves you for who you are—they're not focusing on your flaws. They might not even notice them at all!

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8

Practice mindfulness.

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Stay in the moment when the two of you are in bed. It's totally normal for your mind to wander during sex. But the more you hold yourself in the moment, the more you'll connect with your partner and experience intense pleasure. ^{[7]
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- If you're not experienced with mindfulness, that's okay! Start a meditation practice to increase your ability to stay in the moment. Meditating with your partner can also help build your emotional connection, which can improve your sex life indirectly.
- Licensed psychosexual therapist Jacqueline Hellyer notes that it's best to "allow yourself to go inwards and pay attention to what you're feeling, not outwards." Focus on what you're feeling, not on whether you're doing something right.

9

Set aside time for sex.

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Schedule times when you can be together without distractions. There's nothing wrong with a little spontaneity, but penciling in a sex date on your calendar gives you something to plan for. Especially if you're wanting to try new things, a scheduled sex session gives you time to set up and prepare. ^{[8]
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- When you know that sex is coming up, you also anticipate the encounter and have time to build up your desire so you'll be ready.

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10

Connect with yourself physically.

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Try masturbation to find the types of touch you like. Learning how to give yourself an orgasm is a great way to know what you should say to guide your partner. ^{[9]
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Research source} Sex and intimacy coach Shelby Devlin notes that "giving yourself orgasms is absolutely a great way to get familiar with your own body."
- Devlin also notes that "the more you understand what you want, what you don't want, things that light you up, it becomes easier to share with someone else."
- Licensed psychosexual therapist Jacqueline Hellyer emphasizes that self-awareness is important "because so many people externalize their sexuality."

11

Check in with your partner during sex.

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Get more specifics about what your partner enjoys. Pay close attention to your partner during the act. If they seem tense or distracted, talk to them to find out if they're still enjoying what's going on. It might be that the two of you just need to take a break or switch things up. When they seem to be really enjoying themselves, on the other hand, it's great to take a moment to ask them what feels the best. ^{[10]
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- For example, you might say, "Oh, you sound like you're really enjoying yourself. What are we doing that's really working for you right now?"
- Licensed psychosexual therapist Jacqueline Hellyer notes that "when two people are in touch with what they're feeling and are communicating... they read each other and co-create something that works for both of them."

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12

Be open to trying new things.

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Experiment to spice up your love life . Through discussion, you and your partner might uncover some fantasies that you're curious about trying. Don't be afraid to have fun! Trying something new, even if it's just a different position, can help you reach new heights in bed. ^{[11]
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Nonprofit organization dedicated to providing free, evidence-based mental health and wellness resources.
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- If you're thinking about trying something a little kinky, make sure you both have a solid understanding of your sexual boundaries and decide on a safe word if you're going to do anything that could potentially be mentally or physically challenging.

13

Accept moments of awkwardness.

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Laugh off the weird moments and keep it light. When you feel awkward about something sexual, it could be because you feel some sort of internalized shame about whatever the activity is. Embracing that awkwardness can help you push past it. ^{[12]
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- Don't be afraid to call it out, either! Sometimes when you name your feeling, it helps it disappear. For example, you might just say, "Wow, I'm feeling kinda weird about this but I still want to do it."

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14

Discuss your sexual encounters.

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Ask your partner what they enjoyed the most. Ongoing communication is key to creating a pleasurable long-term sex life. Be willing to acknowledge that your desires might change over time or depending on your mood. In the aftermath of each sexual encounter you have, talking to each other about your favorite parts (and not-so-favorite parts) can help you fine-tune the experience next time. ^{[13]
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- Sex and intimacy coach Shelby Devlin agrees that sharing what you really enjoyed or what really turned you allows you and your partner to "actually have a moment to hear each other and understand each other."

15

Take the focus away from an end goal.

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Enjoy the experience for what it is. Having realistic expectations about sex will help you become more emotionally connected to your partner and feel more pleasure. Remember that bodies aren't machines and aren't capable of producing the same perfect result every time you have sex. Focus on how you feel in the moment and avoid thinking that you're working toward some goal. ^{[14]
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- Licensed psychosexual therapist Jacqueline Hellyer advises to think about what sex is really about and remember that sex is about "connection and pleasure and intimacy and feeling good about each other... there's nothing performative in that."

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Expert Interview

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About This Article

Co-authored by:

Shelby Devlin, MA

Sex & Intimacy Coach

This article was co-authored by Shelby Devlin, MA and by wikiHow staff writer, Jennifer Mueller, JD . Shelby Devlin is a Sex & Intimacy Coach based in San Francisco, California. She has over 7 years of experience guiding individuals and couples in deepening their capacity for intimacy and pleasure. Shelby specializes in BDSM therapy, D/s, and fetish exploration. She earned an MA in Sexuality Studies from San Francisco State University and is certified in the Somatic Method, an experiential therapy modality. Shelby is also a certified massage therapist (CMT) and an associate practitioner of Ortho bionomy. She has a 5-star coaching rating. This article has been viewed 3,993 times.

3 votes - 40%

Co-authors: 5

Updated: August 9, 2024

Views: 3,993

Categories: Relationships

Thanks to all authors for creating a page that has been read 3,993 times.

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