How to Break Up with a Narcissistic Partner over Text

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End a toxic relationship without drama or an apology
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When you first met them, they were charming, fun, and affectionate, but once you began dating, they started to break you down by criticizing and manipulating you. Leaving a toxic partner peacefully can be tricky, but we’re here to help you make a clean break. Keep reading to find out how you can break up with a manipulative person via text and move on to a happier future. Just keep in mind that having narcissistic traits doesn’t automatically mean someone has clinical Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD), and only a licensed therapist can diagnose NPD. [1]

1

Write down why you want to break up.

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    They may try to manipulate you into staying with them. If this happens, remind yourself why you need to move on by re-reading your “why.” [2] You could write:
    • “He constantly puts me down, won’t let me hang out with friends, and manipulates me into always doing what he wants.”
    • “She lies to me but gaslights me into thinking I’m wrong, and she calls me horrible names so I feel bad about myself.”
    • “They constantly take advantage of me and make me feel guilty for having my own needs.”
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2

Plan what you will say in advance.

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    Write out what you want to say before you text your soon-to-be-ex so you can hit “send” with confidence. You don’t want to leave room for questions or misunderstandings. [3]
    • You might send your breakup message to a friend for advice before you send it. They can help you craft the perfect text.
3

Tell them the relationship is over, but don’t provide a reason.

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    There’s no point in trying to argue with a narcissistic person or in trying to get them to see your point-of-view: if they want to cling to their version of reality, that’s what they’re going to do. They may even try to escalate the situation and manipulate you into thinking you’re wrong. [4] Start your text with something like:
    • “I feel like this relationship has run its course, so I’m breaking up with you.”
    • “I’ve decided it’s best to end things between us.”
    • “I’ve realized this relationship just doesn’t work for me anymore, so it’s over.”
    • There's a difference between what your ex-partner needs to know versus what they want to know. [5]
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4

Keep your message neutral.

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    Fortunately, you can avoid a big explosion by keeping your reasons for the breakup to yourself. As tempting as it might be, don’t bring up the past or point out the ways they hurt you. [6] If you do, they may look for a way to retaliate.
    • As an example, you might be tempted to say, “It really hurts me when you call me names, so I don’t want to be with you anymore.” Instead, just text, “I don’t want to be in a relationship with you anymore,” and leave it at that.
    • What you went through with them may have been really painful. You don’t have to bottle all of those feelings up. Vent to a trusted friend or family member so someone understands what you’re going through. [7]
5

Wish them well in the future.

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    Playing nice as you walk away from them will make your life so much easier. You don’t deserve to have to deal with their drama, but it’s likely a controlling ex is going to take your breakup badly. [8] Soften the blow with some well-wishes. Write:
    • “I hope you find someone who’s a better match for you.”
    • “I wish you all happiness.”
    • “I know you'll meet someone else soon.”
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6

Leave their response on read.

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    Because of their inflated sense of self, they may try to charm you into coming back. [9] Just ignore whatever your ex says in response to your breakup text. It’s not worth your time and energy to argue with them.
    • You can always re-read your “why” statement if you start to second-guess your decision, and know that they’ll eventually stop trying to get you back.
7

Block all means of contact.

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    After a breakup, a manipulative ex could send you everything from declarations of love to horrible insults. To entitled people, a relationship isn’t over until they say it is. Cut them out of your life by blocking them on everything, including your phone, social media accounts, and email. [10] [11]
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8

Ask your friends for support during the breakup.

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    Fortunately, your friends can help remind you what makes you unique. [13] Reach out to your friends so they can be there for you. They’ll help you come out of this breakup with more strength and joy. [14]
    • You might go out with your best friend for coffee, or invite several friends out to dinner.
    • Even if you haven’t talked to your friends in a while, still reach out to them. They probably miss you a lot and will be happy to hear from you.
9

Watch for their retaliation for the breakup.

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    They often spread lies about you to friends and family, and may show up unexpectedly at your work or favorite spots, hoping to run into you. Your ex may switch back and forth between trying to woo you back with false promises and flattery and trying to punish you with lies and criticism. [15]
    • No matter what your ex says, you’re not at fault for dating them. Some people don’t show their true colors until after the “honeymoon” stage has ended.
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10

Expect them to start dating someone new soon.

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    Your ex will probably have a new partner pretty much immediately after your breakup. [16] Seeing them act so in love with someone so soon after your breakup can be super painful. Try to remember that this has nothing to do with you, and your feelings will fade over time. [17]
    • It’s really common for a narcissistic person to keep back-up options, so they can easily find a new partner if their relationship falls apart.
    • This is why it’s so important to block them on everything. Not only does it stop them from contacting you, it also prevents them from making you jealous by posting photos on social media of them moving on.
11

Take time to work on yourself after the breakup.

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    Your ex may have tried to tear you down as a person, but this is your chance to build yourself back up. Spend the time immediately after your breakup hanging out with friends and family. Additionally, rediscover who you are without your ex in your life. You can: [18]
    • Grieve the end of your relationship and what you wanted from it.
    • Practice self care.
    • Decide what you want in a future relationship.
    • Spend time doing what makes you happy.
    • Try new things.
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12

Talk to a therapist to help you move on.

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    Being in a relationship with a controlling or abusive partner can really take a toll on your mental health. After your breakup, it might help to talk to a professional who can help you move on in a healthy way. [19]
    • Look for a therapist online or ask friends for a recommendation. You may also be able to find a therapist through your insurance company.

Example Texts to Break up with a Narcissist

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  • Question
    What should I do immediately after a break up?
    Kate Dreyfus
    Holistic Love Coach & Intuitive Healer
    Kate Dreyfus is a dedicated Holistic Love Coach, Holistic Empowerment Coach, Heart-Centered Expert, Intuitive Healer, Workshop Facilitator, and Owner of Evolve & Empower. She has more than ten years of experience supporting her clients successfully entering exclusive, romantic relationships within the USA, the United Kingdom, Canada, and Europe. Kate is devoted to helping others through personal growth and transformation, success in dating and romance, and healing and rebuilding after a breakup. She is also a member of The Biofield Institute, the Healing Touch Professional Association, and the Energy Medicine Professional Association. Kate holds a BA in Psychology from San Francisco State University.
    Kate Dreyfus
    Holistic Love Coach & Intuitive Healer
    Expert Answer
    Follow your usual routine! Honoring your routine will help you feel safe in your life changes while also providing you with stability and comfort. In addition, you can decide to create some changes to your day-to-day routine, try new activities, and refocus on your hobbies and interests.
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      • Remember that not everyone with Narcissistic Personality Disorder is abusive or manipulative, and many people with NPD are able to manage their symptoms with therapy and/or medication. [20]
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      • Whether your partner has clinical NPD or not doesn’t change the fact that they’ve mistreated you: you deserve to be loved and respected, regardless of your partner’s diagnosis.
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      References

      1. ↑ https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/narcissistic-personality-disorder/symptoms-causes/syc-20366662
      2. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/here-there-and-everywhere/201606/how-leave-narcissist-good
      3. ↑ https://www.helpguide.org/articles/mental-disorders/narcissistic-personality-disorder.htm
      4. ↑ https://www.helpguide.org/articles/mental-disorders/narcissistic-personality-disorder.htm
      5. ↑ Kate Dreyfus. Holistic Love Coach & Intuitive Healer. Expert Interview. 22 November 2021.
      6. ↑ https://www.helpguide.org/articles/mental-disorders/narcissistic-personality-disorder.htm
      7. ↑ Kate Dreyfus. Holistic Love Coach & Intuitive Healer. Expert Interview. 22 November 2021.
      8. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/here-there-and-everywhere/201606/how-leave-narcissist-good
      9. ↑ https://www.helpguide.org/articles/mental-disorders/narcissistic-personality-disorder.htm
      1. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/here-there-and-everywhere/201606/how-leave-narcissist-good
      2. ↑ Kate Dreyfus. Holistic Love Coach & Intuitive Healer. Expert Interview. 22 November 2021.
      3. ↑ Kate Dreyfus. Holistic Love Coach & Intuitive Healer. Expert Interview. 22 November 2021.
      4. ↑ https://psychcentral.com/disorders/narcissistic-personality-disorder
      5. ↑ https://www.helpguide.org/articles/grief/dealing-with-a-breakup-or-divorce.htm
      6. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/toxic-relationships/201904/how-leave-narcissist-or-toxic-relationship
      7. ↑ https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/narcissistic-personality-disorder/symptoms-causes/syc-20366662
      8. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/here-there-and-everywhere/201606/how-leave-narcissist-good
      9. ↑ https://www.helpguide.org/articles/grief/dealing-with-a-breakup-or-divorce.htm
      10. ↑ https://www.helpguide.org/articles/grief/dealing-with-a-breakup-or-divorce.htm
      11. ↑ https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/narcissistic-personality-disorder/symptoms-causes/syc-20366662

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