How to Cope With Your Partner's Tattoo You Dislike

Co-authored by Lia Huynh, LMFT and Hannah Madden

Last Updated: May 18, 2022 Fact Checked

Getting a tattoo is a big decision, and not one that most people take lightly. If your partner comes home with a new tattoo out of the blue and you aren’t a fan, learning how to live with it can feel like a challenge. In this article, we’ll share some helpful tips to help you communicate your feelings about the tattoo to your partner. We'll also explain some coping strategies you can use if you're still struggling to accept the tattoo.

1

Ask your partner what the tattoo means.

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Understanding the significance might help you accept the tattoo. Many people get tattoos that have some form of significance or symbolic meaning. ^{[1]
X
Research source} If you don’t know why your partner got their tattoo, sit down with them and talk about it. You might find that the deeper meaning makes you like it a little more (or at least helps you accept it).
- You might say something like, “Hey, could we talk about your new tattoo? I didn’t realize you were going to get one. What inspired this design?”

2

Listen to your partner’s explanation.

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Let your partner talk uninterrupted to get the full story. Although you might be mad or upset about what you’re seeing, try to let your partner explain what the tattoo is and why they got it. If you don’t understand something, feel free to ask follow-up questions, but be sure to listen and let your partner speak for as long as they’d like to.
- You might ask things like, “I don’t understand. Could you clarify what you meant by that?” or, “Interesting. Could you tell me more?”
- Try to keep an open mind, and see it from your partner’s perspective. You might not like the tattoo at first, but hearing their explanation could change your mind.

3

Explain your concerns about the tattoo.

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Talking about the practical reasons behind your concern can help. For instance, if your partner got a tattoo in a visible spot on their body, it could stop them from getting a job in the future. Or, if they got a fairly large tattoo instead of the small one that they wanted, you could tell them that it might be harder to hide in the long run. Try something like: ^{[2]
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- “Do you think that a tattoo on your neck might threaten your job prospects? I’m not sure you’ll be able to cover it with a collar.”
- “I thought you were getting a smaller tattoo, not one that covers your entire arm. Will you be able to hide that?”

4

Share how you feel about the tattoo.

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Help your partner understand your point of view. It’s important to communicate your feelings so that your partner knows what you’re going through. Try to be respectful, and share how you’re feeling without blaming your partner or making them defensive. You might say: ^{[3]
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- “I wish you would have talked to me about this before you got the tattoo. That way, I could have given you some input beforehand.”
- “I thought we agreed that you’d get something small. It’s a bit concerning that you changed your mind so drastically without talking to me first.”
- Think about why the tattoo creates a reaction in you. Then make space to communicate the deeper feelings you have about the tattoo.

5

Respect your partner's body autonomy.

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Remember that it’s your partner’s body, and they get the final say. It can be upsetting when your partner gets a tattoo that you don’t like, but unfortunately, that’s not your call. No matter what, it’s your partner’s decision whether they want to keep the tattoo or not. ^{[4]
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Research source}
- If you really dislike the tattoo, you can suggest getting it covered up or removed. However, your partner is the only one who can make that decision.

6

Find something you like about the tattoo.

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Changing your perspective can help you see the tattoo in a new light. For instance, maybe it’s not your favorite style, but you still like how small and dainty it is. Or, maybe you don’t love how big it is, but the image is still well-done. Pick out at least one good thing about the tattoo, and hold onto that to make yourself feel better.
- If you don’t like anything about the tattoo itself, try to find something you like about the meaning or the sentiment behind it.

7

Give yourself time to get used to the tattoo.

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The tattoo might be shocking at first, but shock usually wears off. If you see your partner’s new tattoo every day, you might come to realize that it’s not such a big deal. Try not to make any decisions about the relationship just yet, and let it fade into the background, if you can. ^{[5]
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Research source}
- Try to think of it like your partner getting a drastic haircut. At first, you might feel a little weird about it, but eventually, you’d come around.

8

Decide if the tattoo is a deal breaker for you.

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You always have the right to break off a relationship with someone. Sit down and think about why the tattoo bothers you so much and whether or not you can keep being in this relationship. Although it might seem extreme to end a relationship over a tattoo, some things can’t be overlooked. If your partner’s tattoo goes against your morals or your values, it could be a deal breaker. You might ask yourself questions like:
- “What was it that initially attracted me to my partner? Is that attraction still there, or has it changed now because of the tattoo? Why?”
- “What is the true root cause of my concerns with the tattoo?”
- “What emotions am I feeling that are associated with the tattoo? Why am I feeling these emotions?”
- “Is the root cause of my emotions/concerns something that I can control through healthy coping skills?”

9

Go to couple’s counseling if you need to.

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This can help if you're struggling with feelings of betrayal or distrust. Big issues like these are easier to tackle with professional guidance. If you’re having trouble communicating with your partner or understanding each other, make an appointment with a couple’s counselor. They can help you work through your feelings about the tattoo and help you talk with your partner about what you’re going through. They can also advise your partner on how to communicate better and what needs to happen going forward. ^{[6]
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- A tattoo might sound like an extreme reason for counseling, but it’s more about the broken trust and the emotions underneath everything.

10

End the relationship if you can’t cope with the tattoo.

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You might not be able to get over a bad tattoo, and that’s okay. If you’ve tried communicating with your partner and working through your issues but nothing is helping, it might be time to break things off. ^{[7]
X
Research source} This isn’t a decision you should make lightly, so really sit down and think about it on your own before you decide to end your relationship.
- You might also need to end the relationship if the tattoo goes against your own personal values, since that can be tough to overlook.

Expert Q&A

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What to do if your partner gets a tattoo you find ugly?

Lia Huynh, LMFT
Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist
Lia Huynh is a Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist with over 20 years of experience. She specializes in providing counseling services for individuals, couples, Christians, and Asian Americans. Lia holds a BA in Psychology from The University of California, Los Angeles, and an MS in Marriage and Family Therapy and Pupil Personnel Services from San Francisco State University.

Lia Huynh, LMFT

Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist

Expert Answer

Try to understand why your partner likes the tattoo so much, and be happy that he's getting a tattoo that he likes. You can even ask him directly about why he wants the tattoo, and be understanding and supportive about the meaning behind this particular tattoo.

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How to Cope With Your Partner's Tattoo You Dislike

Steps

Ask your partner what the tattoo means.

Listen to your partner’s explanation.

Explain your concerns about the tattoo.

Share how you feel about the tattoo.

Respect your partner's body autonomy.

Find something you like about the tattoo.

Give yourself time to get used to the tattoo.

Decide if the tattoo is a deal breaker for you.

Go to couple’s counseling if you need to.

End the relationship if you can’t cope with the tattoo.

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