Expert Tips for Handling Your Partner's Bad Tattoo

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Tips for communicating about your partner’s questionable ink
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Getting a tattoo is a big decision, and not one that most people take lightly. If your partner comes home with a new tattoo out of the blue and you aren’t a fan, learning how to live with it can feel like a challenge. In this article, we’ll share some helpful tips to help you communicate your feelings about the tattoo with your partner. We'll also explain some coping strategies you can use if you're still struggling to accept the tattoo, plus expert tips from tattoo artists and relationship therapists.

How to Cope with a Partner’s Tattoo You Dislike

Ask your partner what the tattoo means and listen to their explanation. Voice your concerns and tell them how you really feel about it. If you're committed to staying together, try to find things you like about the tattoo and/or do couple's therapy. Tattoo removal may be an option, but ultimately, it's their choice.

Section 1 of 6:

Communicating with Them About Their Tattoo

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  1. Understanding the significance might help you accept the tattoo. Many people get tattoos that have some form of personal or symbolic meaning. If you don’t know why your partner got their tattoo, sit down with them and talk about it. You might find that the deeper meaning makes you like it a little more—or at least helps you to accept it).
    • You might say something like, “Hey, could we talk about your new tattoo? I didn’t realize you were going to get one. What inspired this design?” [1]
  2. Let your partner speak without interruption to get the full story. Although you might be mad or upset about what you’re seeing, try to let your partner explain what the tattoo is and why they got it. If you don’t understand something, feel free to ask follow-up questions, but be sure to listen and let your partner speak for as long as they’d like to.
    • You might ask things like, “I don’t understand. Could you clarify what you meant by that?” or, “Interesting. Could you tell me more?”
    • Try to keep an open mind, and see it from your partner’s perspective. You might not like the tattoo at first, but hearing their explanation could change your mind.
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  3. Talking about the practical reasons behind your concern can help. For instance, if your partner got a tattoo in a visible spot on their body, it could stop them from getting a job in the future. Or, if they got a fairly large tattoo instead of the small one that they wanted, you could tell them that it might be harder to hide in the long run. Try something like: [2]
    • “Do you think that a tattoo on your neck might threaten your job prospects? I’m not sure you’ll be able to cover it with a collar.”
    • “I thought you were getting a smaller tattoo, not one that covers your entire arm. Will you be able to hide that ?”
  4. Help your partner understand your point of view. It’s important to communicate your feelings so that your partner knows what you’re going through. Try to be respectful, and share how you’re feeling without blaming your partner or making them defensive. You might say: [3]
    • “I wish you would have talked to me about this before you got the tattoo. That way, I could have given you some input beforehand.”
    • “I thought we agreed that you’d get something small. It’s a bit concerning that you changed your mind so drastically without talking to me first.”
    • Marriage and family therapist, Lia Huynh, suggests that you ask yourself why the tattoo in question elicits such a strong, negative reaction from you.
      • She offers the following as an example: “If a male partner gets a naked lady tattoo, for example, you should ask yourself, ‘Am I afraid that this means he wants my body to look like that? Does it reflect a porn addiction I know he holds?’ I would then make space to communicate about the deeper feelings I have about the tattoo.”
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Section 2 of 6:

Coming to Terms with Your Partner’s Tattoo

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  1. If you’re committed to staying in the relationship, remember that it’s your partner’s body, and they get the final say. It can be upsetting when your partner gets a tattoo that you don’t like, but unfortunately, that’s not your call. No matter what, it’s your partner’s decision whether they want to keep the tattoo or not. [4]
    • If you really dislike the tattoo, you can suggest getting it covered up or removed.
    • Tattoo artist, Burak Moreno, affirms that there are surefire ways to take care of an unwanted tattoo.
      • He says you can cover it up if it’s small, or invest in a few sessions of tattoo removal if it’s larger.
    • However, your partner is the only one who can make that decision.
  2. Changing your perspective can help you see the tattoo in a new light. For instance, maybe it’s not your favorite style, but you still like how small and dainty it is. Or, maybe you don’t love how big it is, but the image is still well-done. Pick out at least one good thing about the tattoo, and hold onto that to make yourself feel better.
    • If you don’t like anything about the tattoo itself, try to find something you like about the meaning or the sentiment behind it.
  3. The tattoo might be shocking at first, but shock usually wears off. If you see your partner’s new tattoo every day, you might come to realize that it’s not such a big deal. Try not to make any decisions about the relationship just yet, and let it fade into the background, if you can. [5]
    • Try to think of it like your partner getting a drastic haircut. At first, you might feel a little weird about it, but eventually, you’d come around.
  4. This can help if you're struggling with feelings of betrayal or distrust. Big issues like these are easier to tackle with professional guidance. If you’re having trouble communicating with your partner or understanding each other, make an appointment with a couple’s counselor. They can help you work through your feelings about the tattoo and help you talk with your partner about what you’re going through. They can also advise your partner on how to communicate better and what needs to happen going forward. [6]
    • A tattoo might sound like an extreme reason for counseling, but it’s more about the broken trust and the emotions underneath everything.
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Section 3 of 6:

Making the Final Decision

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  1. You always have the right to break off a relationship with someone. Sit down and think about why the tattoo bothers you so much and whether or not you can keep being in this relationship. Although it might seem extreme to end a relationship over a tattoo, some things can’t be overlooked. If your partner’s tattoo goes against your morals or your values, it could be a deal breaker. You might ask yourself questions like:
    • “What was it that initially attracted me to my partner? Is that attraction still there, or has it changed now because of the tattoo? Why?”
    • “What is the true root cause of my concerns with the tattoo?”
    • “What emotions am I feeling that are associated with the tattoo? Why am I feeling these emotions?”
    • “Is the root cause of my emotions/concerns something that I can control through healthy coping skills?”
  2. You might not be able to get over a bad tattoo, and that’s okay. If you’ve tried communicating with your partner, working through your issues, and going to couple’s therapy but nothing is helping, it might be time to break things off. This isn’t a decision you should make lightly, so really sit down and think about it on your own before you decide to end your relationship. [7]
    • You might also need to end the relationship if the tattoo goes against your own personal values, since that can be tough to overlook.
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Section 4 of 6:

Why does my partner's tattoo bother me?

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  1. 1
    The tattoo might represent a breach of trust. If you strongly dislike tattoos of any kind, and you’ve been clear with your partner about this in the past, their choice to get inked can feel like a breach of trust. If your significant other was already tatted when you first started dating but they assured you they wouldn’t get any more, getting a new one is still crossing a boundary and potentially adding to a pattern of broken trust. [8]
  2. 2
    The permanence of the tattoo could be concerning. Maybe the tattoo itself is fine, but the placement and the permanence pose the real problems. If the tattoo is inked onto a highly visible place, like the neck, It’s completely valid to be worried about your partner’s future job prospects or how they might—or might not —fit in with your more conservative-minded friends and family. [9]
  3. 3
    The tattoo itself depicts an image you don’t agree with. If the tattoo in question is vulgar, violent, hateful, or otherwise offensive in any way, it’s natural for you to bristle against it. After all, a picture is worth a thousand words, and this image might just be presenting a clear illustration of major incompatibilities between you and your S.O.
  4. 4
    The tattoo is a symbol of conflict in your relationship. If your partner got this tattoo as an act of rebellion or to spite you for whatever reason, the tattoo is merely a symptom of the larger problem at hand. Tattoos are permanent, painful, and can be costly, so your partner should have a better incentive to get inked besides trying to get under your skin— pun intended.
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Section 5 of 6:

Getting a Tattoo Removed

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  1. Go to a licensed laser technician with an overseeing doctor. If you decide that your partner’s tattoo is indeed a dealbreaker and they’re open to getting it removed , tattoo artist Grant Lubbock has a few tips on how to proceed. “Find a licensed laser technician, one that has an overseeing doctor, like in a dermatological group,” he advises. He shares that there are tons of illegitimate tattoo removal places that don’t have proper licensing or lasers, which is so important as tattoo removal is a medical procedure.
    • Lubbock shares that removing a tattoo can take anywhere from 4-10 sessions, depending on the colors used and pigmentation type.
Section 6 of 6:

Final Thoughts

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  1. Try to understand why your partner got the tattoo and go from there. If you absolutely hate your boo’s new ink, try your best to remain open-minded. Ask them questions about the tattoo’s significance, listen to their explanation, and voice your concerns respectfully. Remember: it’s their body and ultimately, their choice. If you’re committed to staying in the relationship, try to find something that you do like about the tattoo and set up couple’s counseling so you can work out all your negative feelings about it, should it be representative of larger issues in the relationship.
    • Another option would be to ask your partner to get the tattoo removed, although they have every right to say no.
    • Choosing to end the relationship is another, more permanent option— like getting the tattoo was for them.
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Expert Q&A

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  • Question
    What to do if your partner gets a tattoo you find ugly?
    Lia Huynh, LMFT
    Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist
    Lia Huynh is a Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist with over 20 years of experience. She specializes in providing counseling services for individuals, couples, Christians, and Asian Americans. Lia holds a BA in Psychology from The University of California, Los Angeles, and an MS in Marriage and Family Therapy and Pupil Personnel Services from San Francisco State University.
    Lia Huynh, LMFT
    Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist
    Expert Answer
    Try to understand why your partner likes the tattoo so much, and be happy that he's getting a tattoo that he likes. You can even ask him directly about why he wants the tattoo, and be understanding and supportive about the meaning behind this particular tattoo.
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      References

      1. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/head-games/201909/why-people-get-tattoos
      2. ↑ https://www.masslive.com/opinion/2021/04/ask-amy-i-cried-for-hours-when-my-husband-got-a-new-tattoo.html
      3. ↑ https://www.masslive.com/opinion/2021/04/ask-amy-i-cried-for-hours-when-my-husband-got-a-new-tattoo.html
      4. ↑ https://www.cosmopolitan.com/sex-love/a17806652/ask-logan-ugly-tattoo-cheating-sti/
      5. ↑ https://www.glamour.com/story/readers-dilemma-help-my-boyfri
      6. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/friendship-20/201709/should-you-go-couples-therapy
      7. ↑ https://www.cosmopolitan.com/sex-love/a17806652/ask-logan-ugly-tattoo-cheating-sti/
      8. ↑ https://adrenalinestudios.com/how-to-deal-with-a-bad-tattoo/
      9. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/sg/blog/the-act-of-violence/201411/love-your-work-hate-your-tattoos-and-piercings

      About This Article

      Article Summary X

      Even if you don’t like a tattoo your partner has, you can still come to terms with it over time. Whether your partner got it recently or they’ve had it for a number of years, remember that it’s their body and it's OK if you don't like all of their tattoos. You can still be happy that it makes your partner happy and it tells the story of a part of their life. You can also ask your partner about when and why they got the tattoo, since it might have some meaning that makes it special to them. Even if it doesn't have any meaning, they might have gotten it at an important time in their life or from a tattooist they liked. For more tips from our co-author, including how to tell your partner you dislike their tattoo, read on.

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