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Discover why your daughter lashes out, whether she's a child, teen, or adult
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Is your daughter lashing out for seemingly no reason, giving you attitude, or saying things that hurt your feelings? Unfortunately, this is a pretty common issue, and you're definitely not alone. We're here to explain why she might be acting out and provide tips for coping and advice for disciplining your defiant daughter so you can get your relationship back on track.
Things You Should Know
- Your daughter might be acting out because she’s going through hormonal changes, trying to become more independent, or because she feels restricted by her home life.
- Try to remain calm when confronting her about her behavior. Take deep breaths, listen to what she’s saying, and openly communicate your needs and expectations.
- If your daughter seems depressed or overly aggressive, seek professional help right away.
Steps
Section 1 of 3:
Why Is My Daughter So Mean?
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Her brain is in a different developmental stage. Young people's brains work differently than adults’ brains. The prefrontal cortex, the area of the brain that’s responsible for decision-making, planning, and reasoning, continues to change and mature through childhood and well into young adulthood. Children and teens tend to be led by the more emotional and reactive parts of the brain and less by the thoughtful and logical parts. [1] X Trustworthy Source American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry Nonprofit organization dedicated to providing and improving psychiatric care for children and adolescents. Go to source Your daughter’s emotions could be overriding her judgments, creating tension and arguments where there normally might not be.
- This stage of brain development means that children are more likely to act impulsively, misinterpret social cues and emotions, and engage in dangerous or risky behavior, which all could affect your daughter’s behavior and your relationship with her.
- If your daughter is an adult, she may not have healthy coping mechanisms for her emotions.
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She’s going through hormonal changes. Teenage years are especially filled with anger, angst, frustration, and stress about the future. As their hormones change during adolescence, children might reflect on their behavior less and express themselves in ways that could be hurtful or confusing to their parents. [2] X Research source Many teens and tweens are not sure how to process the many emotions they feel and might react in anger instead.Advertisement
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She wants more independence. As children explore their identity and assert themselves with figures of authority, they start to demand more freedom and responsibility. Your daughter might be lashing out if she feels like the adults around her are constantly telling her what to do, giving unwanted advice, or punishing her for making the “wrong” decisions. [3] X Research source
- While children may try to think and act independently of their parents, they still depend on them for emotional support and guidance. Try to provide opportunities where your daughter can make her own decisions so she can learn how to make the right choices when adults aren’t around.
- If your daughter is grown, she may be trying to assert her identity as an adult.
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She’s developing her own worldview. As children grow, they may be exposed to a variety of different people, ideas, and situations. They might question their beliefs, go against tradition, and think more deeply about what they’ve been taught or learned. They might even develop conflicting or radical views on political or social issues. [4] X Research source This is a natural part of growing up and redefining her own sense of identity and independence, but it can be hard to deal with if you’re on the other side of her rebellious streak. [5] X Research source
- Children will also sometimes “try out” new ideas with their parents, which can be confusing or frustrating if their opinions go against your beliefs or values. Try to engage them in an open conversation where the two of you can listen to each other and share your beliefs and experiences without judgment.
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She’s rebelling against strict parenting. Restrictions and rules are natural and necessary, and most of the time, strict parenting comes from a place of love and worry. However, when parents maintain strict rules without making room for their child’s growing independence, kids are more likely to lash out. Older kids and teens might even try to assert their independence in less healthy ways, like consuming alcohol or sneaking out of the house late at night. [6] X Research source
- Your daughter may be rebelling even if she's now an adult who lives on her own to make up for the rules imposed on her as a child or teen.
- Reader Poll: We asked 1760 wikiHow readers with children, and 65% of them agreed that a common sign that your child resents you is by avoiding spending time with you . [Take Poll]
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She’s feeling too much pressure. When children are pressured to meet high expectations at home or in school, they can feel like they’re being kept from fully experiencing and enjoying childhood. As a result, they can take out their emotions on you or engage in behavior that lets them explore the freedom they never had. [7] X Trustworthy Source Child Mind Institute Nonprofit organization providing evidence-based care for children with mental health and learning disorders and their families Go to source
- Studies found that children who faced lots of external pressure are at a higher risk for mental health issues and substance use and abuse later in life. [8] X Research source
- Adult children may be feeling pressure from you as their parents, or from their job or society as a whole.
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She’s trying to balance her privacy with her relationship with you. As children grow and try to create their own lives, they may seem rude or disrespectful if it seems like you’re prying into their social life or judging their decisions. [9] X Research source Children typically feel more understood and accepted by their friends and become more independent from their family members as they age, often turning to their peers for advice. [10] X Research source
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She’s trying to fit in. Some children act out because they’re surrounded by other kids who act this way, or because they are trying to act aggressive or mean to climb a social ladder and impress their peers. This behavior might not only be harmful at school, but it can follow your daughter home and also hurt her relationship with you. [11] X Research source
- One study found that children are more likely to be mean or aggressive to others if they’re popular in school. [12] X Trustworthy Source American Psychological Association Leading scientific and professional organization of licensed psychologists Go to source If you believe your kid is being mean to others at school, share your concerns with a school counselor or a teacher and have a talk with her about her behavior.
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She’s not getting enough sleep. Children’s bodies and minds need lots of energy during puberty, which means that teens and tweens need a lot more sleep than other age groups – around 8 to 10 hours a night. On average, 70% to 80% of teenagers get less than 8 hours of sleep. [13] X Research source Not sleeping the recommended about of time every night can result in more emotional responses to situations, and can make individuals less empathetic and more irritable. [14] X Research source
- If you notice that your child seems more tired and irritable than normal, try to encourage her to go to bed earlier, avoid drinking caffeine in the afternoon, and turn off her phone and electronic devices before bed.
- If your daughter is an adult, she may be busy with work or her own family and isn't getting the sleep she needs.
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She’s suffering from mental health issues. Mental health issues like depression and anxiety could be affecting your daughter’s behavior. It’s normal for children to seem sad or easily irritated for a couple of days at a time, but if you notice a mood or behavioral change that lasts for more than two weeks, it could be a sign that your child is depressed. [15] X Research source
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Section 2 of 3:
How to Deal With Your Mean Daughter
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Talk with your daughter about her bad behavior. Ask your child if there is something bothering her so you can understand why she’s being mean to you or others. Avoid yelling at her or making comments about your daughter’s personality or character, and instead, focus on trying to make your child understand how her mean behavior affects others. [16] X Research source Use “I” statements to talk about how her unkind words make you feel:
- “When you speak like that to me, I feel hurt and angry.”
- “When you lash out, I feel angry because it feels like you don’t care about my emotions.”
- “I understand that you’re mad, but when you yell at me, it hurts my feelings.”
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Listen to what your daughter is saying. Sometimes it can be hard to hear what your child is saying, especially if they’re angry. Try to calmly, and with an open mind, push past her attitude, and actively listen to what your daughter is saying. Respect her point of view, and be flexible when you’re able to. [17] X Research source Try repeating what she says to clarify her needs, and respond by communicating your own:
- “What I’m hearing is that you feel hurt and angry that I’m not allowing you to go outside. However, I need you to be inside so we can eat dinner and get ready for bed.”
- “I’m hearing that you feel like the rules are unfair. However, the way that you communicate those emotions hurts my feelings. Can you say what you’re feeling again, in a nicer way?”
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Set clear rules and expectations. Create realistic house rules and discuss them with her regularly to make sure you’re both on the same page. [18] X Research source For example, if your daughter swears or yells at you, make it clear to her that you will not tolerate verbal aggression and that you expect for her to be considerate towards you and others. [19] X Research source
- When your daughter is calm, suggest healthier ways of dealing with her anger, such as practicing meditation, writing in a journal, venting to friends, or engaging in a physical activity like walking or running. [20] X Research source
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Section 3 of 3:
Coping with a Mean Daughter
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Set aside time for yourself. Parenting a child is not an easy job, and combined with the pressures of work and other relationships, it can feel like fighting with your kid is going to push you over the edge. Although it can be hard, don’t expect to enjoy spending time with them all of the time, and make sure to set aside time to recharge. [21] X Trustworthy Source National Health Service (UK) Public healthcare system of the UK Go to source Give yourself permission to relax, talk about your concerns with your partner or friends, and remember that you’re important, too.
- Practice deep relaxation, focus on your mental health, and find hobbies that give you the opportunity to explore your own interests.
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Let her make mistakes. It can be incredibly difficult to watch your child make the wrong choices. However, this can come across as trying to limit her freedom which can cause feelings of anger and resentment. Plus, if your daughter never has the opportunity to make mistakes then she may not know how to handle them when adults aren’t around to help. As much as you might want to keep her from making choices she might regret, it’s important to allow her to take risks and make sure she feels heard, respected, and supported by her parents. [22] X Research source
- Choose your battles, but don’t bottle up your concerns. If you’re worried that your daughter is drinking, using drugs, or having unprotected sex, talk with her about her unsafe behavior and point her to services and information.
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Check in with your daughter and be open about your needs. Miscommunications can happen when one or both of you assume what the other needs. Think about what you need from your relationship with your daughter and talk about it openly with her. Ask your daughter what she would like from her relationship with you and work towards a compromise that works for both of you. [23] X Research source
- Although distancing away from family is all a natural part of growing up, that doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt if your child rejects or ignores you. Take deep breaths, stay positive, and make sure to check in with your daughter regularly to make sure there’s nothing that’s making her too stressed or worried. [24] X Research source
- To try to avoid misunderstanding her needs, ask what your daughter would like you to do when she comes to you with a problem: “Would you like me to listen to you vent, or should we work together to find a solution?”
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Expert Interview
Thanks for reading our article! If you’d like to learn more about raising children, check out our in-depth interview with Moshe Ratson, MFT, PCC .
References
- ↑ https://www.aacap.org/AACAP/Families_and_Youth/Facts_for_Families/FFF-Guide/The-Teen-Brain-Behavior-Problem-Solving-and-Decision-Making-095.aspx
- ↑ https://www.goodhousekeeping.com/life/parenting/a29500829/teenage-anger/
- ↑ https://www.stanfordchildrens.org/en/topic/default?id=relationship-development-90-P01642
- ↑ https://raisingchildren.net.au/pre-teens/behaviour/behaviour-questions-issues/disrespectful-behaviour
- ↑ https://middleearthnj.org/2015/10/12/10-strategies-for-dealing-with-a-defiant-teen/
- ↑ https://www.parents.com/parenting/better-parenting/teenagers/teen-talk/how-strict-parents-can-actually-make-their-teens-more-rebellious/
- ↑ https://childmind.org/article/teens-and-anger/
- ↑ https://www.caron.org/press-releases/parental-pressure-may-put-teens-at-risk-for-substance-use
- ↑ https://raisingchildren.net.au/pre-teens/behaviour/behaviour-questions-issues/disrespectful-behaviour
- ↑ https://www.stanfordchildrens.org/en/topic/default?id=relationship-development-90-P01642
- ↑ https://www.parentcircle.com/bad-habits-children-can-pick-up-from-friends/article
- ↑ https://www.apa.org/monitor/jun04/among
- ↑ https://msutoday.msu.edu/news/2023/Ask-the-expert-why-do-teenagers-need-more-sleep
- ↑ https://sites.dartmouth.edu/dujs/2020/05/26/lack-of-sleep-for-teenagers-increases-risk-of-developing-mood-deficits/
- ↑ https://suicideprevention.nv.gov/Youth/Depression/
- ↑ https://www.parentcircle.com/my-child-is-mean-spirited-how-to-deal-with-it/article
- ↑ https://www.girlscouts.org/en/raising-girls/happy-and-healthy/happy/does-my-daughter-hate-me.html
- ↑ https://www.relationshipsnsw.org.au/blog/improve-relationship-between-mother-teenage-daughter/
- ↑ https://www.parentcircle.com/my-child-is-mean-spirited-how-to-deal-with-it/article
- ↑ https://www.goodhousekeeping.com/life/parenting/a29500829/teenage-anger/
- ↑ https://www.nhs.uk/mental-health/children-and-young-adults/advice-for-parents/cope-with-your-teenager/
- ↑ https://www.girlscouts.org/en/raising-girls/happy-and-healthy/happy/does-my-daughter-hate-me.html
- ↑ https://www.relationshipsnsw.org.au/blog/improve-relationship-between-mother-teenage-daughter/
- ↑ https://raisingchildren.net.au/pre-teens/behaviour/behaviour-questions-issues/disrespectful-behaviour
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