How to Cope with the Death of a Friend

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Living your life after losing someone close to you
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Friendships are some of the most meaningful and life-changing relationships you have. That’s why it can be very hard to cope when a friend dies. This person may have been your primary confidante, your partner-in-crime, or the one who stuck by you during your parent’s divorce. If your friend was young, the aftermath of their death can be even more shocking and confusing. Deal with your friend’s death by finding ways to cope with your emotions, keeping their memory alive, and learning how to carry on without them.

Things You Should Know

  • Attend the memorial to find closure, and grieve in whatever way works for you. There's no "right" way to handle a loss.
  • Talk to other people, like close friends or a counselor, about your late friend and the loss to connect with others and let your feelings out.
  • Channel your emotions into creative pursuits like hobbies, or participate in memorial activities like planting trees, giving talks, or giving to charity.
Method 1
Method 1 of 3:

Coping with the Loss

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  1. Participating in ceremonies like funerals, wakes, or shivas help the living say their goodbyes to the deceased. If your friend has a memorial service, try to attend. You might also bring along flowers to place on the casket, or check with the family to see if you can leave a memento in the casket.
    • Sit near their family and/or other friends. Being near others who loved this person will help you grieve.
  2. There are many myths out there about how a person should grieve. The reality is you need to grieve in the way that suits you. This may include crying, shouting, getting lost in your work, or sitting silently. Don’t hold yourself up to any comparisons about what grief should look like—just feel your feelings, however they come.
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  3. You might want to withdraw from others because you don’t think they can understand. However, it's best to reach out to others rather than keeping to yourself. Talk to friends and family about how you are feeling and ask for their support as well. They may be affected by your friend’s death, too, or they may just want to comfort you.
    • Accept help when others offer to keep you company, talk to you, or bring you food or snacks. [3]
  4. Negative emotions may feel awful, but you can actually use this energy to create something new. Focus your grief towards creative activities like writing, painting, or dancing. You’ll find that making art can be therapeutic.
    • When you can’t sleep, eat, or talk, turn to your journal or an empty canvas and release the emotions inside you. [4]
  5. Work through your grief by using your friend's death to help others. You could start a charity, raise money, educate the public, or look for other ways to give back.
    • For example, if your friend died from a disease, you could create a charity walk to benefit a nonprofit that finances research into that disease.
    • If your friend died in an accident, volunteer to speak to others about how to avoid such accidents.
  6. Don’t be too hard or set the bar too high for yourself. Be gentle with yourself and do plenty of self-care. You might set a simple goal each day to eat breakfast or shower and get dressed. Such feats will help you feel better about yourself, while still being manageable. [5]
    • Try to incorporate self-care into each day. Pray, do yoga, meditate, perform a self-massage, read a book, or listen to calming music.
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Method 2
Method 2 of 3:

Remembering Your Friend

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  1. A lot of times when someone dies, others may have a hard time talking about them without getting upset. However, this makes those who do want to share stories feel isolated. If you feel comfortable talking about your friend, use their name in conversation. They lived and they were very important to you. That doesn’t have to change because they died. [6]
  2. Holding on to an item that was important to your friendship can help you cope with your grief and feel closer to your friend. Reach out to their family in the weeks after the death. Ask if they will allow you to take a special item as a keepsake of your friendship. [7]
    • For example, you might take the book you lent them that they never returned, or the t-shirt they wore on the day you met. The best keepsakes will have symbolic value for the friendship.
  3. A great way to remember someone who has died is reliving the good times you shared with them. Spend some time thinking about special occasions you had with the person: birthdays, milestones, and even just days hanging out at home. [8]
  4. Another great way to your friend’s memory alive is by recreating the memories you shared with the person. Just because they are gone doesn’t mean you can’t continue to have lunch at the pizza parlor on Fridays or watch your favorite TV show. [10]
    • It might be hard at first, but you may find that visiting certain places or doing certain activities may help you feel closer to your friend.
  5. Include photos of your friend at different points in life. Also, include pictures of the two of you together. Write little captions or stories next to the pictures. Look at it when you are feeling down, and share it with other friends. [11]
  6. You can honor your friend on the internet with a digital memorial page. It's a great way to acknowledge future anniversaries and just generally share your feelings with others. You can even invite mutual friends to work on the page with you.
  7. If your friend liked riding their bike, find out when the next MS ride is, and ride in your friend's honor. Or, if they were a lifelong reader, start a book club in their memory. Raise money and start a scholarship fund in your friend's name. Find ways to honor your friend by keeping their legacy alive. [12]
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Method 3
Method 3 of 3:

Trying to Move On

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  1. At some point, you will feel able to return to your daily life. Things won’t go back to normal, but you can cope with the adjustment by creating a schedule. Having structure can almost feel like a warm blanket when the world has otherwise spun out of our control. So, develop a routine that works for you and stick to it.
    • Think about the things you typically do in a day and write them down in a planner. Allot enough time for different events and activities, like eating lunch or commuting to work or school. Try to keep a stable sleep schedule by waking and lying down at the same times each day.
  2. The time after a death often leads people to think about the meaning of life. Your friend’s death may have made you more aware of things within yourself you’d like to change. Take some time to decide what kind of person you want to be moving forward. [13]
    • A death is usually an important time to reflect on your own life and how you wish to live it. Be sure to do some self-reflection and determine if you are living up to your personal values .
    • For instance, maybe you didn’t feel like you spent enough time with family. If so, start making that a priority. Or, perhaps your friend’s life was cut short and you are more inspired to live your own life more fully.
  3. In the weeks and months after your friend’s death, it pays to surround yourself with positive and supportive people. This might be another close friend, a sibling, a parent, a teacher, or a spiritual advisor. You might talk about your grief or simply ask the person to support you in some way. [14]
    • For example, you might say, “I was preparing to apply to college when Jenny died. Can you help me get back on track with my applications?”
  4. If you can’t seem to resume your place in the world after your friend’s death, you may need professional help. Some people experience complicated grief. You may blame yourself for the death, stop going to school or work, neglect your appearance, and even have thoughts of suicide.
    • A grief counselor can help you come to terms with the death and learn how to better cope with your emotions. Also, if you are depressed, they may refer you to a psychiatrist who can prescribe antidepressant medications. [15]
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Expert Q&A

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  • Question
    Is dreaming about my best friend normal?
    Paul Chernyak, LPC
    Licensed Professional Counselor
    Paul Chernyak is a Licensed Professional Counselor in Chicago. He graduated from the American School of Professional Psychology in 2011.
    Paul Chernyak, LPC
    Licensed Professional Counselor
    Expert Answer
    Yes, dreaming about the person you lost is a normal part of dealing with a death.
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  • Question
    My best friend died last week in a car crash and I can't stop crying. I cry so much that I can't breathe and I feel like hurting myself. What do I do?
    Paul Chernyak, LPC
    Licensed Professional Counselor
    Paul Chernyak is a Licensed Professional Counselor in Chicago. He graduated from the American School of Professional Psychology in 2011.
    Paul Chernyak, LPC
    Licensed Professional Counselor
    Expert Answer
    Let friends and family know how you feel and seek out their support. If you feel like hurting yourself, then it may be helpful to seek out professional help. Also, consider creating/doing something in their honor so that you can redirect your pain into something constructive.
    Thanks! We're glad this was helpful.
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    Not Helpful 11 Helpful 77
  • Question
    How long does it take to grieve?
    Trudi Griffin, LPC, MS
    Professional Counselor
    Trudi Griffin is a Licensed Professional Counselor based in Wisconsin. She specializes in addictions, mental health problems, and trauma recovery. She has worked as a counselor in both community health settings and private practice. She also works as a writer and researcher, with education, experience, and compassion for people informing her research and writing subjects. She received Bachelor’s degrees in Communications and Psychology from the University of Wisconsin, Green Bay. She also earned an MS in Clinical Mental Health Counseling from Marquette University.
    Trudi Griffin, LPC, MS
    Professional Counselor
    Expert Answer
    Grieving is an individual process and may ebb and flow over a long period of time depending on how one copes. If someone is allowed to grieve freely, it may take less time than someone who suppresses it.
    Thanks! We're glad this was helpful.
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      Tips

      • Make sure to set aside time for yourself to grieve. It's important to allow yourself to think.
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      Tips from our Readers

      The advice in this section is based on the lived experiences of wikiHow readers like you. If you have a helpful tip you’d like to share on wikiHow, please submit it in the field below.
      • I lost a friend, and at first, I thought I would never be happy again. But at the funeral, instead of thinking about how tragic her death was, we had a party to celebrate her life, and I got to say a small speech about how amazing she was, which helped me feel better. Then, to honor her memory, I cut 7 inches of my hair off and gave it to a charity that was very close to her heart, and this helped me grieve her.
      • It's so hard to lose a friend, and you might even feel guilty for still being alive when they're not, but try not to blame yourself. You might be tempted to do reckless things to distract yourself from your grief, but that might just make you feel worse. Feeling the grief is the only way you can get through it.
      • I recently lost a friend, and it is even more difficult to believe because I saw her three days before she passed. My advice is to surround yourself with family and friends. This does not heal you totally, but stops you from thinking too much.
      • Let yourself grieve and let your heart cry when it wants to. Stopping the pain will only make it worse when it all comes out at once.
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      References

      1. ↑ Ken Breniman, LCSW, C-IAYT. Licensed Clinical Social Worker & Certified Yoga Therapist. Expert Interview. 24 April 2020.
      2. ↑ Ken Breniman, LCSW, C-IAYT. Licensed Clinical Social Worker & Certified Yoga Therapist. Expert Interview. 24 April 2020.
      3. ↑ https://www.washington.edu/counseling/resources/resources-for-students/healthy-grieving/
      4. ↑ http://www.huffingtonpost.com/joseph-nowinski-phd/the-new-grief-mourning-an_b_770169.html
      5. ↑ https://www.washington.edu/counseling/resources/resources-for-students/healthy-grieving/
      6. ↑ https://tinybuddha.com/blog/embracing-the-moment-when-it-sucks-dealing-with-death/
      7. ↑ http://www.griefspeaks.com/id89.html
      8. ↑ https://www.nextavenue.org/how-cope-death-friend/
      9. ↑ Ken Breniman, LCSW, C-IAYT. Licensed Clinical Social Worker & Certified Yoga Therapist. Expert Interview. 24 April 2020.
      1. ↑ https://tinybuddha.com/blog/embracing-the-moment-when-it-sucks-dealing-with-death/
      2. ↑ http://www.academia.edu/5362056/Scrapbooking_as_an_Intervention_for_Grief_Recovery_With_Children
      3. ↑ https://www.nextavenue.org/how-cope-death-friend/
      4. ↑ https://www.villagevoice.com/2014/06/25/ask-andrew-w-k-how-to-cope-with-the-death-of-a-friend/
      5. ↑ https://cmhc.utexas.edu/bethatone/studentscopingsuicide.html
      6. ↑ http://www.webmd.com/balance/normal-grieving-and-stages-of-grief#2-4

      About This Article

      Article Summary X

      Losing a friend can be devastating, but you can try to cope with your emotions by finding healthy ways to express your feelings and remembering positive things about them. Try to attend the memorial service or wake for your friend, because it gives you the opportunity to say goodbye. This is an important step in any grieving process. Reach out to friends and relatives who are grieving too, since sharing your grief can help you cope with it. Give yourself time to grieve in whatever way feels right, whether it’s crying, sitting in silence, or getting lost in your work. You can also remember your friend while moving on with your life. For example, ask their family if you can have a keepsake, like their favorite book or item of jewelry, which can help you feel close to your friend as you move forward with your own life. You could also do something in their memory, like setting up a book club if they liked reading, or joining a charity bike race if they liked cycling. Doing activities like these will help you focus on what your friend enjoyed during their life, rather than the fact they're dead. For tips from our co-author on how to channel your negative feelings about your friend’s death into creative activities, read on.

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