How to Fix a Marriage Without Counseling

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Whether you want to cut costs, avoid the rigid time commitment, or you’re simply skeptical about counseling, it’s reasonable to try repairing your relationship without a professional. So long as you and your spouse work together, there’s no reason you can’t improve your marriage without professional help. In this article, we’ll walk you through everything you need to know about restoring your relationship and getting your marriage back to a healthy place.

This article is based on an interview with our licensed marriage and family therapist, Jin S. Kim, MA. Check out the full interview here.

1

Make a choice to prioritize your marriage.

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    Make space for that effort and work by deciding to put your marriage first. Every day, check in with your partner, really sit down to talk to them, and engage in the daily rituals of life together. [1] It’s easy to get caught up in whatever interests you and go through the motions everywhere else—especially if your marriage isn’t particularly great right now—but you have to commit to working on what you and your spouse have. [2]
    • This is more of an attitude than anything else; approach conflict with a “us vs. the problem” mindset, not “me vs. you.”
    • It can help to remind yourself of all of the good times you and your spouse have had together. It’s easy to let things continue to fall apart when you’re caught up in the momentum of a bad cycle, but try to shake yourself out of that by stepping back and remembering the love you have.
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2

Diagnose the underlying problems together.

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    Choose a time when the two of you are in a productive headspace. Calmly discuss what your main problems are, and try to come to an agreement on what the two of you need to work on. [3] Whether it’s communication, kindness, or finding time to reconnect together, you can’t fix your marriage if the two of you aren’t on the same page. [4]
    • There may be practical issues driving a wedge between you, like financial problems or conflicting schedules that lead to a lack of quality time together. In these cases, making a gameplan together to alleviate the issue can help relieve a lot of the pressure.
    • It could be that the two of you are overly defensive or critical of one another. In these cases, changing the way you communicate can make a big difference.
    • If there are issues with trust, talking about what the underlying fear is can help set the stage for some healing to take place.
3

Set concrete goals together.

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    You aren’t going to fix your marriage overnight, but creating a road map together can make things a lot easier. If the two of you can agree on the nature of your problems and identify the potential solutions, you’ll be able to start working on them together. [5]
    • You might agree to sit down every day and communicate without any phones, TVs, or distractions if the two of you just aren’t sharing enough.
    • You could set ground rules for future arguments, like no personal attacks, or set a safe word for when things get out of hand.
    • You can agree to give one another at least one compliment every day to try and pump some kindness back into your relationship.
    • Alternatively, you might just agree to keep the conversation going and make a pledge to continue discussing what you two need to work on. Sometimes, just knowing the problems are being worked on can make things easier.
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4

Schedule restorative conversations.

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    It’s easy to say, “Yeah, we’ll talk about it later,” but one (or both) of you may just avoid tough conversations or forget. Scheduling time to discuss your issues ensures that nothing is going to go unresolved. It also sets the stage for more productive conversations, since the knowledge that the conversation is going to take place can give you time to figure out what you want to say. [6]
    • How often you schedule these convos is up to you, but start off with one every week or two. If you do this every day, it might wear you down. If you space things out too far though, you might forget things from your previous conversation.
    • This is especially important if your fights and disagreements tend to get out of hand. Giving yourself some time to emotionally prepare can really keep you from getting defensive or angry in the moment.
5

Rely on “I” statements when discussing problems.

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    If your partner keeps hearing “you never…” and “you are…” it can begin to feel like you’re attacking them. Framing things around the pronoun “I” can take a lot of the pressure off of your partner, and it can dramatically improve the quality of your conversations when things aren’t going great. [7]
    • For example, something like, “You never pay attention to me,” presents the “you” as the key problem. Saying, “I feel like I don’t get a ton of attention,” frames the issue around your experience. This can go a long way towards defusing tough conversations.
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6

Ask questions instead of making assumptions.

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    If you and your partner ever run into friction over misunderstandings, you may be taking things for granted. Before you respond to your spouse, ask clarifying questions to make sure you understand where they’re coming from. The clearer the two of you are about how you’re feeling and what you want, the happier you’ll be. [8]
    • For example, if your spouse asks you to help them clean up more often, you may assume they’re simply annoyed about how dirty your home has been. But maybe they want you to take more initiative around the house, or it’s important to them to feel like you participate in household chores.
7

Self-reflect and begin working on you.

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    Take a long, hard look in the mirror and ask yourself, “Is there something I need to change?” If there is, start working on it now. Whether it’s an anger problem, difficulty communicating, or something else bothering you, take the steps you need to take now. Developing some resiliency and healing whatever open wounds you may have will make it much easier to work on your marriage. [9]
    • Open yourself up to the way you feel. It’s easy to ignore certain emotions or pretend things are better than they are, but your emotions contain important information, and you shouldn’t pretend they don’t exist.
    • Everybody can be better, and nobody should be ashamed if they’ve got something to work on. Even if it’s just trying to be the kindest version of yourself, there’s always room for improvement. The better you are, the better your marriage will be. [10]
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8

Maintain a standing date night.

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    If things are rough, it can feel like the two of you are just roommates. Pushing yourselves to do something romantic together at least once a week (or two weeks) can do wonders for your relationship. This can rekindle things if your marriage is lacking a little spice, and remind the two of you how rewarding your marriage can be. [11]
    • Try to do something new every week. Try different restaurants, go dancing, or take a day trip somewhere you’ve never been. The more variety there is, the more exciting your date night will feel.
9

Write each other a letter.

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    You can do this after a disagreement to process how you feel and share it with your partner to communicate without the back-and-forth of a conversation. Alternatively, you can write them a love letter and explain how much they mean to you just to remind them how important they are. These little random acts of kindness can dramatically improve your relationship. [12]
    • Putting your feelings on paper can also be therapeutic for you! Sometimes, putting messy or complicated emotions into words can really help you explore the way you feel.
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10

Lean into your spouse’s love language.

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    The five love languages refer to the unique ways people prefer to receive and give love. If your spouse feels unloved, neglected, or ignored, pushing yourself to meet your spouse on their grounds can really help the quality of your marriage. [13] The five love languages are:
    • Words of affirmation. People with this love language like being told how loved they are, and rely on verbal communication to experience love.
    • Quality time. This language is all about shared experience. Your spouse may want to just sit on the couch together and chat over a cup of tea, or go for a walk and discuss their day.
    • Physical touch. This includes sex, but hugs, backrubs, and playful head scratches all qualify.
    • Acts of service. People with this love language express and receive love through charitable acts. You might clean the house for your spouse, cook them dinner, or go out of your way to make life easier for them.
    • Gifts. This love language is pretty straightforward—people who love gift-giving feel cared for when they receive gifts from their loved ones. Even if it’s something tiny, it can really make their day!
11

Do the little things together.

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    Go grocery shopping together, clean the dishes together, and read in bed together before bed. All of the little moments add up, and if the two of you aren’t feeling particularly close to one another, the little stuff can matter a lot. It gives you the opportunity to share a laugh, tell a story, or just tackle a task together. All of that can go a long way towards repairing a rift the two of you are experiencing. [14]
    • This is especially important if the two of you have young children. You may be alternating the childrearing tasks so that each of you gets a breather every now and then. Try splitting the difference. Just spending more time as a family can really improve the quality of your marriage.
    EXPERT TIP

    Moshe Ratson, MFT, PCC

    Marriage & Family Therapist
    Moshe Ratson is the Executive Director of spiral2grow Marriage & Family Therapy, a coaching and therapy clinic in New York City. Moshe is an International Coach Federation accredited Professional Certified Coach (PCC). He received his MS in Marriage and Family Therapy from Iona College. Moshe is a clinical member of the American Association of Marriage and Family Therapy (AAMFT), and a member of the International Coach Federation (ICF).
    Moshe Ratson, MFT, PCC
    Marriage & Family Therapist

    Optimize your schedule to prioritize each other, too. Create a schedule that highlights and combines both of your personal goals, and work together to streamline your to-do lists and calendars.

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12

Take time away to reconnect.

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    Start planning a trip as a couple! Take a week off of work and go explore something new. Take that bucket list trip to Paris, or keep it simple and take a road trip. If the two of you are super stressed, a vacation should alleviate some of that stress. If the two of you are stuck in a rut, a vacation is an opportunity to reconnect and fall in love all over again. [15]
    • Plan the trip as a team. This way, the two of you can bond and connect over the activities you choose. Besides, planning the trip is the best way to build excitement about your vacation!
13

Find ways to reconnect intimately.

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    Getting the spark back can reinvigorate your marriage. If things have gotten a little stale in the bedroom, it can make it hard to feel emotionally connected. Ask your partner if there’s anything they’d like to explore sexually, or if there’s something you can do to make them more excited about sex. [16]
    • Try exploring something new together. Roleplaying, toys, sexting, and lingerie can all help you two reconnect intimately.
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Community Q&A

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  • Question
    How can I get my husband to reconnect with his in-laws?
    Mr c
    Top Answerer
    Encouraging your husband to reconnect with his in-laws can be approached with patience and understanding. Start by having an open conversation about why the connection has weakened and how important it is to you. Suggest small, low-pressure interactions, like a casual family dinner or a short visit. Highlight positive memories and the benefits of having a close family. Offer to accompany him to make the experience more comfortable. Show appreciation for any effort he makes towards reconnecting. If needed, gently remind him that building family bonds takes time and effort from both sides.
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  • Question
    My wife and I have been married only a year, and she wants to divorce me because of a false accusation. How can I get her to change her mind? We've already talked a lot about it.
    Mr c
    Top Answerer
    If you've already talked and she's still set on divorce, it might be time to seek professional help. A couples therapist can help mediate your conversations and address underlying issues. Make sure to listen to her concerns and validate her feelings. Show her that you're committed to making things right and willing to work on any issues. Sometimes, giving her space to think things over can help. Demonstrate your love and support consistently. However, be prepared to respect her decision if she still wants to proceed with the divorce.
    Thanks! We're glad this was helpful.
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  • Question
    Why is my husband so rude to me? He ignores me and prefers to play football instead of spending time with me. What do I do?
    Mr c
    Top Answerer
    It's important to address this issue directly with your husband. Try to talk to him when you're both calm, and explain how his behavior makes you feel. Use "I" statements, like "I feel ignored when you choose football over spending time with me." Ask if there's something on his mind or if there's a reason for his behavior. Suggest finding a balance between his hobbies and your relationship time. If things don't improve, consider seeking the help of a couples therapist. Communication and understanding are key to resolving such issues.
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      References

      1. ↑ Jin S. Kim, MA. Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist. Expert Interview. 14 May 2019.
      2. ↑ Moshe Ratson, MFT, PCC. Marriage & Family Therapist. Expert Interview. 7 August 2019.
      3. ↑ Jin S. Kim, MA. Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist. Expert Interview. 14 May 2019.
      4. ↑ Jin S. Kim, MA. Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist. Expert Interview. 14 May 2019.
      5. ↑ https://positivepsychology.com/benefits-goal-setting/
      6. ↑ https://positivepsychology.com/goal-setting/
      7. ↑ Jin S. Kim, MA. Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist. Expert Interview. 14 May 2019.
      8. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/living-finesse/202111/becoming-aware-your-assumptions-in-intimate-relationships
      9. ↑ Moshe Ratson, MFT, PCC. Marriage & Family Therapist. Expert Interview. 7 August 2019.
      1. ↑ Jin S. Kim, MA. Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist. Expert Interview. 14 May 2019.
      2. ↑ Moshe Ratson, MFT, PCC. Marriage & Family Therapist. Expert Interview. 7 August 2019.
      3. ↑ https://positivepsychology.com/benefits-of-journaling/
      4. ↑ Jin S. Kim, MA. Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist. Expert Interview. 14 May 2019.
      5. ↑ Allen Wagner, MFT, MA. Marriage & Family Therapist. Expert Interview. 24 September 2021.
      6. ↑ > https://www.psychologytoday.com/intl/blog/after-trauma/202305/reconnecting-with-yourself-after-change
      7. ↑ https://www.hopkinsmedicine.org/health/wellness-and-prevention/keep-the-spark-alive-in-your-marriage

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