Breaking up when we still love each other

For a complete guide to this topic, read the wikiHow article How to Break Up with Someone You Love .

03/10/25 11:35am

We've been together for almost 2 years now and we're best friends and we both still love one another. However, we're coming to terms with the fact that there are some things that aren't going well and need some serious consideration. The 2 big things are - 1. the fact that she wants babies and, while I could see myself having them, I'm not yet sure about having them with her or having them in NZ. 2. that our love languages are totally different. I'm very much in physical touch, while she doesn't really like it at all - cuddling gives her the ick. This weighs into my not being sure of having kids with her, but me not being sure of kids is part of why she doesn't have the drive to be physically affectionate.

We're trying to figure out if it's something that can be fixed if we spend a month going 110%. Or maybe taking a 6 month break, work on ourselves and try to come back. Or should we just end it...

The worst thing I could see happening is that we try either of the first 2 options, but due to trying to force it, one of us begins to resent the other and we lose the positive feelings we have for one another. We can't figure it out...

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wikiHow Editorial Team

03/10/25 11:37am

It sounds like you're navigating these concerns with lots of thought and care. Two years is around the time when many couples exit their honeymoon phase and really start to figure out if they're compatible. While breaking up is never easy, the issues you've identified in your relationship aren't insignificant, and the fact that you and your partner are having these conversations speaks to your emotional maturity and wisdom.

It's true that taking a break or really pushing yourselves for a month could foster resentment and result in the end of the relationship. But it's also possible that it could help you move forward. Couples who take breaks, in particular, sometimes find the time and space to reflect on their relationship and what they really want beneficial. It might be worth reaching out to a couples counselor. They'll be able to help you figure out how to navigate the issues you're facing to see if they're surmountable or if the relationship might have an expiration date.

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Asa Don Brown, PhD, DNCCM, FAAETS
Clinical Psychologist

03/10/25 11:45am

Life is not always easy. There are many challenges that we will surely face, but add another person to that scenario and the challenges are often amplified. There are a number of verbal and nonverbal indicators that your relationship may be tinkering on collapse, including:

The quality of the relationship seems lackluster.
A lack of effective, active, and healthy communication.
The relationship has become stagnant.
A significant decline in sexual activity and intimacy.
Every conversation feels like a house of cards waiting to collapse.
A general avoidance of spending quality time together.

It sounds like some of these could apply to your relationship, but maybe not all. It's not unusual for couples to face challenges. Neither is it unusual for these low points to prove obstacles that feel unsurmountable, but the truth is, many relationships are capable of bringing back that luster. Consider sitting face to face, hands in hands, and having a heart-to-heart conversation. Avoid bringing up topics that divide; rather, focus on topics that are constructive and positive aspects of your relationship. It is always wise to consider conversations that are uniting rather than divisive.

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