How do you actually know if you're in love?
I (23 M) have been dating this guy (24 M) for several months now and things have been going great. He’s really sweet and funny and kind and I definitely like him a lot, butttt I’m not sure if what I’m feeling is love love or just infatuation. Sometimes I think I love him and am ready to take our relationship to the next level, but other times I’m on the fence. Anyone have any advice? How do you know if you’re “really” in love with someone? What are the signs? Any advice would be appreciated!
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Expert Comments
Real love is very different from infatuation. With infatuation, you have a lot of feelings for someone else without actually knowing much about who they are. You typically feel a very excited yet unsteady and ungrounded feeling. You feel like your head is in the clouds and like this person can do no wrong. But in reality, you don’t really know much about them.
Infatuation usually involves a lot of fantasy and obsessing in your mind about someone else. You are more in love with the image in your head that you’ve made up about the person than the actual person. With infatuation, feelings can also change very quickly. You can feel madly in love with someone in one moment and then the second they don’t give you what you want, call you back in time, or return a text, you can turn to hate them very quickly.
In contrast, when you actually love someone, there is a steady building of positive feelings toward that person over time. You have seen all of the sides to them, you have seen them both at their best and in their lower or tired moments and you still choose them. Real love has an undercurrent of peace to it. You feel excited about the other person and happy when you see or speak to them but you don’t feel on a high that can come crashing down at any moment.
When it’s actual love, you’re not just looking for the other person to make you happy and satisfy your every whim—you also care about the other person and their happiness independent of the relationship. With infatuation, you want the other person to be happy only if it means they’re with you and doing what you want. With real love, you want the other person to be happy no matter what, even if it’s not with you.
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Infatuation usually involves a lot of fantasy and obsessing in your mind about someone else. You are more in love with the image in your head that you’ve made up about the person than the actual person. With infatuation, feelings can also change very quickly. You can feel madly in love with someone in one moment and then the second they don’t give you what you want, call you back in time, or return a text, you can turn to hate them very quickly.
In contrast, when you actually love someone, there is a steady building of positive feelings toward that person over time. You have seen all of the sides to them, you have seen them both at their best and in their lower or tired moments and you still choose them. Real love has an undercurrent of peace to it. You feel excited about the other person and happy when you see or speak to them but you don’t feel on a high that can come crashing down at any moment.
When it’s actual love, you’re not just looking for the other person to make you happy and satisfy your every whim—you also care about the other person and their happiness independent of the relationship. With infatuation, you want the other person to be happy only if it means they’re with you and doing what you want. With real love, you want the other person to be happy no matter what, even if it’s not with you.
Love is both a feeling and an action. Of course, signs of being in love vary from person to person, but it starts with the way you feel around this person. Do you feel uplifted, and excited, and want to be around them more? Are you thinking of them often and excited about a future with them? Are you drawn to do nice things for them and want that person to be genuinely happy?
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Reader Comments
You know you're in love when you feel safe. When you get to the point where you know you could trust them with anything that you tell them and can't bear to keep anything from them. When you want to be with them in a more romantic way, yet you still talk to them like a best friend. When you are happy when they send you a text saying hi, just because they took the time to message you.
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When you love someone, you're willing to give up your time to be with them. All you want is to be with that special person and do everything together. You don't care what others think, you just know they're perfect for you!
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I have never been in love (I don't think), but I love reading romance novels. When you are in love with someone, you would do anything for them, always try to bring them into a conversation, and when they aren't with you, you feel alone. You should listen to advice from married people though too (as long as they support your dating preferences btw I support I <3 bl) I hope you figure it out and remember that their are so many people who love you <3
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If you are in love then it means you cant stop thinking about your loved one and u cant stand being apart from him or her and when u see him or her you blush or feel butterflies in your stomach and get nerves. If u feel all that then u must really be in love.
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When you are in love, you will be overflowing with happiness. You will strangely feel that everything in the world seems a lot better now. You will probably feel that you have everything you need in life.
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What if you are only friends with a guy but he is all you think about. . .would you consider yourself "in love"????
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Thinking about someone all the time can feel intense, but it doesn’t necessarily mean you’re in love. Love usually involves a deep emotional connection, mutual respect, and a desire to grow together, not just persistent thoughts. The good news about actually *not* being in love is that it would probably be "over the top" to be romantically in love with someone when you're actually just friends. It's actually much more appropriate to just be infatuated, which it sounds like you are. In my book, Dr. Chloe’s 10 Commandments of Dating, I talk about the importance of understanding your emotions and pacing relationships in a way that helps love grow naturally. Infatuation can be a great springboard to getting to know someone better, and potentially lead to love. Wishing you all the best!
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what I learned from past relationships: trust your "gut feeling" not the one with the butterflies, or the physical craving. more like the one "in the back of your head" that's as careful and hesitant as you discribed. Not the nagging critic inside that always searches for the proverbial hair in the soup in everything(that one's a downer😒) but the conscious careful one like you said that "wants a bigger(longer) sample size before drawing conclusions"😆. Wait and see is a really good strategy, especially in one's twenties when our frontal lobes finish development more like end twenties, it really is formative years for one's personality 🙈 god I wish someone told me that, THEN (and it's not even that long ago but maaan do those few neurons make a difference I noticed, even in myself)
But really: the thing you regret most after an ending? If there was a "gut feeling", a cautionary voice in your mind and _actively chose_ to ignore and overrule it or let any other talk you out off(regardless if third parties or partner themselves🤷♀️). Breakups (or worse) ALWAYS hurt but in all my experiences the beating myself up over overruling my "gut" part added insult to injury. Being blindsided hurt less than feeling stupid for basically "knowing" and ignoring 😔
But that's just extracted from my personal experiences 😅
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But really: the thing you regret most after an ending? If there was a "gut feeling", a cautionary voice in your mind and _actively chose_ to ignore and overrule it or let any other talk you out off(regardless if third parties or partner themselves🤷♀️). Breakups (or worse) ALWAYS hurt but in all my experiences the beating myself up over overruling my "gut" part added insult to injury. Being blindsided hurt less than feeling stupid for basically "knowing" and ignoring 😔
But that's just extracted from my personal experiences 😅
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