Is flirting considered cheating? Give me your hot takes.
So I’ve been dating this guy for about a year now and everything is going great. I really mean it, we click, we’re loyal, we love each other. Things are awesome. But, he did do something the other day at the coffee shop that kind of bothered me. I think one of the baristas were trying to flirt with him a bit and he kind of reciprocated. She said she liked his sweater and smiled in a really flirty way. He turned red and said he liked her hair. It was kind of a moment. I know it was just a really little thing but standing there I kind of felt like he crossed the line. Is that crazy? I know on paper it’s valid for me to be upset, but is it cheating? Emotional cheating? I don’t know. What do you all think? And how do I bring it up to him so he doesn't think I'm overreacting?
There's no single definition of cheating, and there's no single definition of flirting, which makes this question complicated! Because different people have their own ideas about what constitutes infidelity in a relationship, it's important to communicate openly with your partner about your personal boundaries and what makes sense to you both. For some people, flirting is no big deal, and for others, it's a VERY big deal! Talk to your partner calmly and respectfully about how the situation made you feel and ask him what his definition of "cheating" is and see if you can both come to a compromise.
You may also find that what you're comfortable with shifts over time: if you're feeling uncertain in your relationship or going through a tough time personally, for instance, you may be more bothered by seeing him be flirtatious with a stranger. Or maybe right now you feel that flirting is a no-no, but a few years from now maybe you'll be so comfortable in your relationship you won't really be bothered by it (and might even do it yourself). Boundaries and relationships transform over time, the only thing you can do is be as open and transparent with your partner as you can about your expectations and needs and try to respect theirs in return.
You may also find that what you're comfortable with shifts over time: if you're feeling uncertain in your relationship or going through a tough time personally, for instance, you may be more bothered by seeing him be flirtatious with a stranger. Or maybe right now you feel that flirting is a no-no, but a few years from now maybe you'll be so comfortable in your relationship you won't really be bothered by it (and might even do it yourself). Boundaries and relationships transform over time, the only thing you can do is be as open and transparent with your partner as you can about your expectations and needs and try to respect theirs in return.
I agree with the first commenter that this may not technically be cheating, but that doesn’t mean it isn’t reasonable for you to be upset. Even if your boyfriend meant nothing by it, and even if he technically didn’t do anything wrong, you can still be kind of hurt. Like…you can be hurt and he could have not cheated, those two things can be true at the same time. With that said, I know a lot of men just aren’t used to getting a ton of positive attention in public. Does your boyfriend get hit on a lot? If not, he could have just been thrown off by the compliment and didn’t know how to respond in the moment. But yeah, either way, I’d talk to him about it. Just let him know how you feel and talk about what kind of boundaries you want when it comes to flirting and talking to other girls in public.
To me, cheating is betrayal, however that's defined in the relationship. A betrayal is when both parties have a clear understanding of what needs to be done and one of the parties acts against that. So, if a person says one thing and promises one thing and then doesn't do that, that sounds like some level of betrayal.
I just want to add, whether it's "cheating" or just harmless flirting, you're allowed to feel hurt or upset about it. It doesn't have to mean something is wrong with your relationship or that your boyfriend did something bad, and it doesn't have to mean you're oversensitive or anything.
The best thing to do is just talk to them and say, “Hey, I noticed this weird thing the other day at the coffee shop. I'm wondering if something is going on?” Trying to hold on to these feelings or deciding to spy on your boyfriend to see if he’s actually going out to cheat is just not going to be the solution. Talk to him by framing this about yourself and your experience, as opposed to talking about what he did wrong. Just don’t be judgmental and it’ll be easier for him to be open for that conversation. And once the conversation starts, it’s really just about finding what you two are comfortable with as a couple. There isn’t just one definition of “cheating” so you two need to navigate what that means for you.
I’m going to take a kind of controversial stance here. Yeah, I think what he did is considered cheating. Specifically, I think he was doing something called “micro-cheating.” This is when someone violates the trust of their partner by crossing a boundary in a “small” instance. So, like, think of watching porn. A lot of people would consider that a type of micro-cheating depending on the relationship’s boundaries.
With that said, if you haven’t discussed where your boundaries are with this kind of thing yet, then I’m not sure you can reasonably get mad at him for it. But I do think it still technically qualifies as a kind of cheating.
With that said, if you haven’t discussed where your boundaries are with this kind of thing yet, then I’m not sure you can reasonably get mad at him for it. But I do think it still technically qualifies as a kind of cheating.
What if I cheated on someone else who talks to a other guy
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Reader Tips from What Counts as Cheating in a Relationship?
What's considered cheating depends on you and your significant other. In one relationship I was in I didn't mind if he flirted with other girls but he cared if I flirted with other guys so I compromised and we just made that a rule. In the relationship I had after that, though, it wasn't a rule because neither of us was bothered by it!
Some people are very suspicious and defensive and consider every little harmless thing infidelity. A guy I dated wouldn't let me go on social media because he thought it meant I was talking to other guys, even if I wasn't. Compromise is important in any relationship but so is trust, and you can't control someone else.
Reader Tips from How to Tell if Your Partner Is Cheating
Don't immediately accuse your partner of cheating — calmly communicate your concerns and ask questions. Jumping to conclusions will damage trust.
Try reconnecting emotionally and reigniting intimacy if you feel your partner pulling away. Strengthening your bond can prevent cheating.
Consider relationship counseling if you're unable to communicate effectively. A therapist can help you rebuild trust and understanding.
Notice major changes in your partner's routines, interests or habits — this could signal new influences.
Pay attention if your partner's friends act uncomfortable around you. They may know something you don't.
Reader Tips from Is My Boyfriend Cheating on Me? 17 Telltale Signs
Other signs he's cheating: when the call or text log in his phone is completely wiped clean and usually it's not, when he from out of nowhere is wearing new clothes (she bought him) and says cute expressions only some chick would say, when your man picks fights just so you'll be angry and not want to hang out with him, when your man finds fault with everything you do (it's him needing to justify his cheating behavior).
If at the beginning of the relationship he told you all the time how beautiful, smart, and pretty you are, and then out of the blue starts picking fights with you for no reason, these are good indicators.
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