What do you do when you feel lonely?
I've been feeling lonely a lot lately. Sometimes I'll just be sitting at my desk on my laptop and out of nowhere I'll get hit with a sudden wave of loneliness. When it comes it completely overwhelms me and I can't bring myself to do anything except stare into the abyss. What do I do when I feel lonely all of a sudden?
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Expert Comments
If you're feeling lonely, try developing a new routine that involves some type of mind, body, and spirit healing. Stick with this routine even if you don't feel like it. Listen or watch a positive message on hope, self-love, and healing for at least 20 minutes every day. Exercise and move your body with walking, yoga, Pilates, etc., for at least 30 minutes every day to release endorphins. Recognize your negative thoughts and replace them with mindfulness, which allows you to think about the now. Think about good things every day. Journal about sadness, worry, and fears every morning or evening as needed. Socialize with people who you like and who love you.
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Thank you so much for your question. First of all, I want you to know that you are not alone in your loneliness -- The US Surgeon General has confirmed that we are in an epidemic of loneliness. Cheers to you for being able to identify the problem and ask for help.
Secondly, I'd like to point out a small silver lining in your situation: There is a predictable pattern (sitting at your computer and suddenly being struck by loneliness), which actually empowers you to plan ahead with a self-care solution. You might want to consider making a "call list" of friends and family that you would like to be in touch with more often but typically feel too busy to call, or it's been so long that it feels awkward to call out of the blue. Keep this list easily accessible in your phone or on a Post-it attached to your laptop. When the wave of loneliness strikes, just pick up the phone and start dialing. If it feels too awkward to actually call them by voice, start by just sending them a friendly text message to say hello and that you are thinking of them.
The premise of my book, Nervous Energy: Harness the Power of Your Anxiety is that the healthy function of anxiety is to stimulate preparation behaviors. In this case, you have anxiety about waves of loneliness. The preparation behavior is to make it easy for yourself to connect with others when loneliness arises. I would also encourage you to reframe the feeling of loneliness as being a signal of a healthy desire for interaction, similar to the way hunger is a healthy signal that it's time for nourishment. Just like we benefit by keeping healthy meals and snacks nearby to satisfy hunger pangs, you can keep a good "call list" handy for when you are craving connection. Even if the list is just two or three people, it will be helpful to have a healthy outlet when your brain gives you the signal that it's time to reach out.
Another idea would be to take a preemptive approach and schedule a regular Sunday brunch with friends or some other way to boost your social support regularly before loneliness even arises. Wishing you all the best!
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Secondly, I'd like to point out a small silver lining in your situation: There is a predictable pattern (sitting at your computer and suddenly being struck by loneliness), which actually empowers you to plan ahead with a self-care solution. You might want to consider making a "call list" of friends and family that you would like to be in touch with more often but typically feel too busy to call, or it's been so long that it feels awkward to call out of the blue. Keep this list easily accessible in your phone or on a Post-it attached to your laptop. When the wave of loneliness strikes, just pick up the phone and start dialing. If it feels too awkward to actually call them by voice, start by just sending them a friendly text message to say hello and that you are thinking of them.
The premise of my book, Nervous Energy: Harness the Power of Your Anxiety is that the healthy function of anxiety is to stimulate preparation behaviors. In this case, you have anxiety about waves of loneliness. The preparation behavior is to make it easy for yourself to connect with others when loneliness arises. I would also encourage you to reframe the feeling of loneliness as being a signal of a healthy desire for interaction, similar to the way hunger is a healthy signal that it's time for nourishment. Just like we benefit by keeping healthy meals and snacks nearby to satisfy hunger pangs, you can keep a good "call list" handy for when you are craving connection. Even if the list is just two or three people, it will be helpful to have a healthy outlet when your brain gives you the signal that it's time to reach out.
Another idea would be to take a preemptive approach and schedule a regular Sunday brunch with friends or some other way to boost your social support regularly before loneliness even arises. Wishing you all the best!
If you're feeling lonely, you can get your feel-good chemicals from spending time with friends, engaging with your community, and practicing self-care. Get your endorphins going by exercising (for example, this is a great time to try out a new dance class you've been considering). Your loneliness will convince you that you don't want to do this - if you let your body have its way, it will tell you to isolate yourself and indulge in ice cream. Don't listen to it! Seek out people and activities that bring you joy.
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Reader Comments
Even when am with friends I feel like they don't even consider my opinion, half the time I find out am talking to myself, so I just stay alone
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I can totally relate to that feeling having grown as a person with a speech impairment. However, everyone, irrespective of whether they have a personal problem or not, goes through this feeling. It's a harsh truth of human lives that no one can remove our loneliness as the emptiness is inside us. The only thing that can work is meaningful work, self-belief, and God. Try this my friend, it has worked for me even though I was in great difficulty. I hope it works for you and you start feeling better soon. 👍
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pray to God and thank him constantly when you feel that type of way or just listen to a dolekn or hyper Christian song to keep the mood straight ml, God bless you 💗
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so, what do people like me do when none of this helps? when you don't have friends and it's extremely difficult to make any? when you reach out to family, but they can only respond with "things will get better" - yet things don't get better, even years later? when you've spent over a decade in counseling with different counselors and they all just follow the same script that is all over the internet, and then seem to give up on ME when I don't improve? when exercise = pain? when you have zero interests, goals, hobbies, dreams or desires? and when people think I'm making up all of this?
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it sucks when you're in this kind of place :( if the options other people are talking about aren't available or effective for you, try these:
- take a hot shower/bath or make yourself a cup of tea. the warmth feels nice
- walk outside. getting some fresh air and sun can lift your mood
- adopt a pet for some non-human companionship and unconditional love
- put on a casual podcast, livestream, or YouTube video. hearing someone else's voice can ease the loneliness. when i tune into a livestream, it's nice to imagine that i am doing the same thing at the same time as another person
- think of yourself as a "sim" or video game character. when i imagine myself that way, it's easier to detach myself from the bad feelings i have and "order" myself to do things like i would do in a video game
- put on some upbeat music, or music that i enjoy singing along to
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- take a hot shower/bath or make yourself a cup of tea. the warmth feels nice
- walk outside. getting some fresh air and sun can lift your mood
- adopt a pet for some non-human companionship and unconditional love
- put on a casual podcast, livestream, or YouTube video. hearing someone else's voice can ease the loneliness. when i tune into a livestream, it's nice to imagine that i am doing the same thing at the same time as another person
- think of yourself as a "sim" or video game character. when i imagine myself that way, it's easier to detach myself from the bad feelings i have and "order" myself to do things like i would do in a video game
- put on some upbeat music, or music that i enjoy singing along to
Setting up some regular weekly social time for myself helped with my loneliness. I started going to a weekly ultimate frisbee group and had a ton of fun playing with people and making new friends. After showing up for a few weeks consistently, I started hanging out with people outside of ultimate frisbee and felt like I was actually building a social circle. I think having some outdoor time built into my schedule also helped with boosting my mood and making me feel less lonely.
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I moved recently and have been feeling lonely since I don't know anyone in the area. I thought about joining a recreational sports league or meetup group but it's not really my thing...has anyone had any success with that or have any other recs for making friends after a big move?
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I think it's always a good idea to try to find interest groups, like fitness classes, book clubs, or maybe hobbies that you like, because if you find people with shared interests, that can help foster quick connections. Participating in events is also a good way to meet new people, maybe volunteering or local events.
If someone invites you out to something, just say yes. Get out of your comfort zone. It's a good way to get out there and just socialize.
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If someone invites you out to something, just say yes. Get out of your comfort zone. It's a good way to get out there and just socialize.
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Reader Tips from How to Cope With Feeling Alone at Night
If you live in a safe area and you're old enough to be out at night alone, go for a walk! It can be very peaceful and relaxing to feel the world at sleep around you. You won't feel so alone if you can get your body moving and cultivate a meditative headspace while you walk.
If you're struggling to sleep, turn on the radio, listen to a podcast, or throw on a white noise machine. If you give your brain something to focus on, you won't obsess over whatever complex feelings you're uncomfortable with.
Reader Tips from How to Stop Feeling Empty
Do you have a hobby? If so, try just throwing all of your energy at that. It's healthy to pursue things you care about, and you won't feel empty if you have something to look forward to whenever you're feeling down.
Work on developing self-confidence. Sadness and emptiness will disappear when you start to believe in your potential and realize that you have personal value!
Try your best to be positive, but know that it is impossible to be happy at all times. If you cannot cope, see a doctor or therapist for help.
Spend time with the people you love and care about. Connecting with others will make you feel much better!
Try to surround yourself with positive, caring people, rather than people with a negative mindset.
Reader Tips from How to Enjoy Being Alone
Alone time is great time for doing things you love that aren’t appropriate in your usual social circle. So blast the cheesy pop, run around the house naked and laugh at some bad movies you like. Use this time to embrace yourself.
Think about the ways you’d like to improve, whether that be physically, mentally, spiritually, or emotionally, and work on those things. You may end up attracting more people as you better yourself!
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