9 Ways Cheaters React When Confronted & What They Mean

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Plus, tips for talking about suspected infidelity
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If you suspect that your partner is cheating, you’re undoubtedly in a tough spot. You're probably feeling betrayed and confused, and you could be considering confronting them to get some answers. But—what will they do when you bring it up? Can their reaction give you the confirmation you’re looking for? We’re here to help you figure it out. In this article, we’ll go over the most common ways that cheaters react when confronted, as well as how someone who’s accused will react if they’re innocent, with helpful insights from psychology and relationship experts.

How does a cheater react when accused?

According to licensed professional counselor Tara Vossenkemper, PhD, LPC, a normal response from someone in a healthy relationship who has not cheated would be to express concern about the allegations and be as forthcoming as possible. Getting angry, deflecting, and placing blame on their partner are all red flags.

Section 1 of 2:

How Cheaters May React When Confronted

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  1. Lying is a common reaction to accusations of cheating. An unfaithful partner may completely deny what happened, or they may lie about specific details, such as how long the affair went on or whether it’s still happening. They might also say things to make you doubt yourself, like “You’re just being paranoid,” or “That’s crazy, why would you think that?” Having your feelings dismissed in this way can definitely hurt, adding insult to injury. According to Dr. Vossenkemper, having a partner who lashes out and calls you “crazy” when you confront them is a huge red flag: “If they respond by getting super defensive, blowing up at you, saying you're crazy… that's concerning.” [1]
    • This form of deception, when they try to flip the script on you and accuse you of being crazy and/or irrational, is called gaslighting . [2]
    • Spotting the difference between a lie and an honest denial can be tricky. If you haven’t caught your significant in the act and don’t have strong evidence that they cheated, you may need to look for other signs that they’re lying.
    • You can spot someone who is lying or hiding something as they tend to fidget, sweat, turn pale, or speak in a higher voice than usual. They might also either look away or make stronger, more prolonged eye contact than normal when talking to you. [3]

    Meet the wikiHow Experts

    Tara Vossenkemper, PhD, LPC is a licensed professional counselor with over 12 years of experience.

    Jessica George, MA, CHt is a marriage and family therapist with more than 20 years of experience.

    Moshe Ratson, MFT, PCC is a marriage and family therapist who works with individuals, couples, and families as well as business executives and organizations to help them emerge stronger.

    Supatra Tovar, PsyD, RD is a licensed clinical psychologist with over 25 years of experience working in the fields of health education, clinical dietetics, and psychology.

  2. Some cheaters deflect or change the subject. Rather than answering your questions, they might fire back with a question or accusation of their own, or start an argument about an unrelated issue, which can be a tough situation to navigate. This tactic is a form of stonewalling , which is when someone refuses to communicate with their significant other in order to avoid dealing with conflict. [4]
    • For example, they may say something like, “Why can’t you just let me have a nice weekend? You’re always trying to pick fights.”
    • They may also say, “Why are you so insecure? Is there something you’re hiding from me?”
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  3. When someone is feeling defensive, they may lash out. Other defensive behaviors may include raising their voice, snapping at you, or looking irritated when you bring up the issue. In fact, people who are being unfaithful to their partners often act unusually irritable or look for excuses to pick fights, even when you’re not directly confronting them about what’s going on.
    • Dr. Vossenkemper explains that in a healthy relationship, if one partner asks the other if they’re having an affair, a normal reaction is to be as forthcoming as possible: “If a person is defensive, angry, withholding information— those might be indicators that something else is going on.” [5]
    • For instance, if you confront them, they might say something like, “I already told you nothing happened, so stop asking!” Or, “I can’t believe you’d say something like that! What’s wrong with you?”
  4. This is a common tactic used by cheaters when they get caught. It can be truly shocking and incredibly painful to have your significant other admit to having an affair—only to turn around and blame the whole thing on you. But it’s not unusual for people to shift the blame to their partners in order to justify what they did and reduce their own feelings of guilt. [6]
    • For instance, they might say something like, “Well, if you weren’t so distant all the time, I wouldn’t have done it.” Or, “I only did it because our sex life has been so dull lately.”
    • They might also try to blame the person they had an affair with. For example, “He kept coming onto me. It was just too hard to resist.”
    Janis Abrahms Spring, Relationship Expert

    Confronting a cheating partner often sparks intense reactions—shock, denial, defensiveness, blame, guilt, remorse, promises to reform. Brace for unpredictable responses as overwhelming emotions erupt. Rather than make demands, create space for open dialogue about causes and concrete ways to nurture intimacy, trust, and fulfillment moving ahead. With time and dedication, some emerge stronger.

  5. Excuses help cheaters rationalize their behavior. Studies show that people who cheat use a variety of mental “tricks” to help them feel better about their behavior. One common tactic is to make up excuses. [7] Just like shifting the blame, this is a way for the unfaithful person to avoid taking full responsibility for their actions.
    • Marriage and family therapist Jessica George, MA, CHt, says, “If they cheated because of something you did, this still is not an excuse. They cheated because they cheated. If they don’t like a behavior of yours, they could always talk to you about it. Cheating creates chaos.” [8]
    • Common excuses might include things like:
      • “It’s just something guys do. We can’t help it.”
      • “I don’t know what came over me. I think it’s all the stress I’ve been under at school, I’m just not myself.”
      • “I was drunk, I didn’t know what I was doing.”
  6. This is another way that cheaters deal with guilt. Minimizing is similar to making excuses. While an unfaithful romantic partner might admit what they did, they may then look for ways to make the cheating sound less serious than it actually was. They might tell you that it was only an emotional affair that never became physical, or they could try to rationalize a sexual affair by saying there were no feelings involved.
    • Either way, know that their actions are not a reflection of you—they’re only a reflection of them . Here are some other things a cheating partner might say:
      • “It was just sex. It didn’t really mean anything.”
      • “It only happened a couple of times.”
      • “I don’t actually love her, so it doesn’t count.”
      • “That happened a long time ago.”
  7. They may act hurt, even if they admit to cheating. It’s natural for someone who’s had an affair to feel sad or remorseful about what happened. However, some cheaters will take it a step further and try to make their partner feel sorry for them, or even try to make their significant other feel guilty for being upset.
    • “Remember, they made the choice, not you,” George remarks. “The partner who cheats rarely thinks about how their partner will be affected. In the moment, they need to fill a void that is deep within themselves. It is harder to get trust back,” she shares. [9]
    • For instance, they might say things like: [10]
      • “Why won’t you stop punishing me? I already feel terrible about what happened.” [11]
      • “You’re making me feel so bad about myself, like I’m a monster or something.”
      • “All I can say is ‘I’m sorry,’ but I guess that’s never going to be good enough.”
  8. This reaction can be especially frustrating. Turning the tables is a common form of deflection among cheaters. When you confront them, they may try to claim that you’re the one who’s been unfaithful—even if they have no evidence at all to back it up. Stand in your truth and recognize if they’re trying to manipulate you. [12]
    • For example, they might say things like, “Well, what about all the time you spend texting your coworker? Maybe I’m the one who should be worried.”
  9. Cheaters sometimes come clean when you confront them. This is more likely if you have strong evidence of the affair, but they might also fess up simply because they feel bad. If your partner does confess, pay close attention to how they behave after that. Did they offer a sincere apology? Do you see evidence that they’re willing to change? In some cases, your partner may take the confession as an opportunity to admit that they’re unhappy in the relationship and want to move on.
    • However, this isn’t always the case. They may also ask for a chance to make amends, try to heal from the affair, and continue the relationship.
    • If they apologize, ask yourself whether the apology seems sincere. In a sincere apology, the person apologizing takes full responsibility for what they did and offers to try to make things right. [13]
    • Licensed clinical psychologist Supatra Tovar, PsyD, RD encourages you to really consider if you can forgive a cheater . She says, “Ask yourself first if trust can be rebuilt and if you wish to continue the relationship. Then look to your partner to see if there is also a willingness to continue the relationship. If the answer to both is yes, understand you are embarking on a long journey to reestablish trust.” [14]
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Section 2 of 2:

How to Confront a Possible Cheater

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  1. They’re more likely to open up if they don’t feel threatened. Unfortunately, there’s no guaranteed way to get someone to confess to cheating. They’ll be more likely to confess if you have clear evidence of what happened and you’re able to stay calm when you confront them. Marriage and family therapist Moshe Ratson, MFT, PCC, advises, “If you have something concrete, you can just express that.” For example, if you saw a sexually suggestive text message, you can say: “I saw your phone and I was shocked. Can you explain what this is?’” [15]
    • Ratson encourages you to be calm even if “you're furious.” He explains, “You want to allow the person to say something.” [16]
    • Try saying things like, “I believe this is a problem we can fix together, but it’s important that we be honest with each other. Please tell me what happened.” [17]
    • Avoid making accusations that put them on the defensive, or focusing on the possible consequences of their actions. They’re less likely to confess if they’re worried about what will happen if they tell the truth.
  2. 2
    Listen to what they have to say. Although having a gut instinct that your partner is cheating may point to other underlying issues or insecurities within the relationship, it may not necessarily be true. That’s why allowing your partner to speak and explain themselves is so important. While not always the case, they may be able to explain the one piece of seemingly incriminating evidence you saw on their phone, or they could allow you to go through their personal devices right there on the spot in an act of good faith.
    • Remember: if they care about you and they haven’t cheated, they will do whatever it takes to make things right.
    • Dr. Vossenkemper adds that concern is an appropriate feeling when being accused of cheating by a partner when you’re not actually cheating: “I would expect [them] to feel concerned and wanting to understand why their partner is curious if they're having an affair.” [18]
  3. 3
    Be open and honest. If your SO does indeed confess to being unfaithful, take a breath to gather yourself, as this information will likely feel like a shock to the senses— and understandably so. When you’re ready to address their admission of guilt, Dr. Tovar suggests you speak honestly about your feelings so your partner can understand the gravity of the situation: “There’s no doubt that a cheating partner knows how much they have hurt you, but stating directly how and why you are hurt will be most effective.” She encourages that you “not be accusatory” and “use ‘I’ statements.” [19]
    • The way they react to your vulnerability in the wake of their hurtful mistake can guide what you decide moving forward.
    • If they admit what happened and give you a sincere apology, that’s a good sign that the relationship can be repaired. On the other hand, if they lash out or try to blame you, then it may be time to move on .
  4. There are no easy answers when someone cheats. Finding out that your partner has been unfaithful can be incredibly difficult. You might want to end the relationship, or you might want to try to make things work . Either way, it’s okay if you don’t know what to do right away. Give yourself time and space to think things over and decide what feels right to you. [20]
    • Dr. Tovar says, “Sometimes the most helpful thing you both can do is seek counseling together. Understanding what both of you did to contribute to the infidelity can help you find ways to rebuild the trust that was broken.” [21]
    • In some cases, it may be a good idea to take a break from the relationship while you decide what to do next.
    • Try to identify your motivations for staying in the relationship and determine if it’s worth it to do so. These can include the length of the relationship and children, if you share any.
    • Ending the relationship is always an option, especially if you feel your partner isn’t willing to do the work to repair the trust or if you’re unable to forgive them. Staying in relationships after cheating can often breed resentment and ultimately lead to more damage. [22]
    • Reader Poll: We asked 1332 wikiHow readers how they would respond if they discovered their partner was cheating, and most people (61%) said that they would end the relationship immediately. [Take Poll] At the end of the day, though, it’s up to you to determine what’s best for you and your relationship.
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It's hard to restore trust once it's been shattered, but it is possible. We've put together this expert series to help you move past betrayal and find the courage to forgive, rebuild, and move on.
1
How to Forgive Someone for Lying to You
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Rebuild Trust
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How to Forgive Someone Who Traumatized You
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Confront Someone Who Has Hurt You
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How to Spot a Liar in a Relationship: 15 Ways to Tell
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Expert Q&A

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  • Question
    How would an innocent person react when accused of cheating?
    Tara Vossenkemper, PhD, LPC
    Licensed Professional Counselor
    Dr. Tara Vossenkemper is a Licensed Professional Counselor and the Founder and Managing Director of The Counseling Hub, LLC, a group counseling practice located in Columbia, Missouri. She is also the Founder of and a Business Consultant with Tara Vossenkemper Consulting, LLC, a consulting service for therapy practice owners. With over twelve years of experience, she specializes in using the Gottman Method of relationship therapy with couples on the brink of divorce, who have conflict, or who feel disconnected from one another. Dr. Vossenkemper holds a BA in Psychology from The University of Missouri, Saint Louis, an MA in Counseling from Missouri Baptist University, and a PhD in Counselor Education and Supervision from The University of Missouri, Saint Louis. She has also completed Level 3 training in the Gottman Method Couples Therapy approach and has been formally trained in both the Prepare-Enrich Premarital Couples Counseling approach and the PREP Approach for couples counseling.
    Tara Vossenkemper, PhD, LPC
    Licensed Professional Counselor
    Expert Answer
    They would probably feel concerned and worried. It's very possible that the person wants to understand why their partner is curious if they're having an affair. As the accused, they would want to make their partner feel better.
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  • Question
    How can you tell if someone is guilty of cheating?
    Tara Vossenkemper, PhD, LPC
    Licensed Professional Counselor
    Dr. Tara Vossenkemper is a Licensed Professional Counselor and the Founder and Managing Director of The Counseling Hub, LLC, a group counseling practice located in Columbia, Missouri. She is also the Founder of and a Business Consultant with Tara Vossenkemper Consulting, LLC, a consulting service for therapy practice owners. With over twelve years of experience, she specializes in using the Gottman Method of relationship therapy with couples on the brink of divorce, who have conflict, or who feel disconnected from one another. Dr. Vossenkemper holds a BA in Psychology from The University of Missouri, Saint Louis, an MA in Counseling from Missouri Baptist University, and a PhD in Counselor Education and Supervision from The University of Missouri, Saint Louis. She has also completed Level 3 training in the Gottman Method Couples Therapy approach and has been formally trained in both the Prepare-Enrich Premarital Couples Counseling approach and the PREP Approach for couples counseling.
    Tara Vossenkemper, PhD, LPC
    Licensed Professional Counselor
    Expert Answer
    The only surefire way is to get them on the act or get a confession. That said, there are a couple of signs that can point to cheating, such as taking their phone with them everywhere and locking it behind a password. Sudden changes in behavior are usually another telltale sign.
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      References

      1. ↑ Tara Vossenkemper, PhD, LPC. Licensed Professional Counselor. Expert Interview
      2. ↑ https://health.clevelandclinic.org/gaslighting
      3. ↑ https://time.com/5443204/signs-lying-body-language-experts/
      4. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/invisible-bruises/202306/the-narcissists-cheating-playbook-six-signs
      5. ↑ Tara Vossenkemper, PhD, LPC. Licensed Professional Counselor. Expert Interview
      6. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/attraction-evolved/201905/justifying-infidelity
      7. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/love-and-sex-in-the-digital-age/201908/the-6-most-common-excuses-men-make-cheating
      8. ↑ Jessica George, MA, CHt. Certified Professional Master Life Coach. Expert Interview
      9. ↑ Jessica George, MA, CHt. Certified Professional Master Life Coach. Expert Interview
      1. ↑ https://time.com/5411624/how-to-tell-if-being-manipulated/
      2. ↑ https://www.goodtherapy.org/learn-about-therapy/issues/infidelity
      3. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/here-there-and-everywhere/201906/why-does-your-partner-constantly-cheat
      4. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/make-it-right/202010/how-recognize-and-respond-fake-apology
      5. ↑ Supatra Tovar, PsyD, RD. Licensed Clinical Psychologist (PSY #31949), Registered Dietitian, & Fitness Expert. Expert Interview
      6. ↑ Moshe Ratson, MFT, PCC. Marriage & Family Therapist. Expert Interview
      7. ↑ Moshe Ratson, MFT, PCC. Marriage & Family Therapist. Expert Interview
      8. ↑ https://www.sciencefocus.com/the-human-body/five-ways-to-get-anyone-to-tell-you-the-truth-plus-find-out-who-the-most-likely-liars-are/
      9. ↑ Tara Vossenkemper, PhD, LPC. Licensed Professional Counselor. Expert Interview
      10. ↑ Supatra Tovar, PsyD, RD. Licensed Clinical Psychologist (PSY #31949), Registered Dietitian, & Fitness Expert. Expert Interview
      11. ↑ https://www.nbcnews.com/better/lifestyle/how-repair-your-relationship-after-someone-cheats-ncna980776
      12. ↑ Supatra Tovar, PsyD, RD. Licensed Clinical Psychologist (PSY #31949), Registered Dietitian, & Fitness Expert. Expert Interview
      13. ↑ https://www.choosingtherapy.com/how-to-get-over-being-cheated-on/

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