Why Are Narcissists and Empaths Attracted to One Another?

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Opposites attract—but why? And when it comes to narcissists and empaths, is that a bad thing?
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The internet has been a-buzz in recent years with articles and social media posts on narcissists, empaths, and toxic relationships—but what do these terms really mean? These two personality types couldn’t be more different, and yet, like magnets, they’re often irresistible to one another. We've consulted the experts to find out what a relationship between a narcissist and an empath is really like, why they're so drawn to one another, and whether a romance between these two personality types is sustainable. Keep reading to learn more about the narcissist-empath bond.

This article is based on an interview with our licensed professional clinical counselor, Jay Reid, LPCC. Check out the full interview here.

Things You Should Know

  • Not all narcissists have narcissistic personality disorder (NPD), and not all people with NPD are narcissists.
  • Narcissists are characterized by a tendency to be self-absorbed, while empaths tend to be ultra-focused on other people.
  • Because their opposite personalities complement one another, narcissists and empaths are often drawn together.
  • Relationships between these two personalities may become toxic since narcissists are prone to “take” and empaths are prone to “give.”
  • A relationship between a narcissist and an empath can work as long as both parties work hard to be self-aware and maintain healthy boundaries.
Section 1 of 5:

Narcissist vs. Empath

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  1. Everyone is narcissistic sometimes, but Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) refers to narcissism in its most extreme form. People with NPD struggle with an exceptionally low sense of self-worth, causing them to consistently prioritize their own wants and needs over those of others and to have a persistent need to be recognized and admired. [1]
    • This low self-regard makes it extremely difficult for them to be vulnerable or to believe others may actually love them—which makes it easier for them to take advantage of other people.
    • It’s important to remember that while narcissism may make it easier to become abusive, not all narcissists are abusive (though “not abusive” doesn’t necessarily mean “easy to deal with”).
    • NPD is still something of a mystery to psychologists, but it’s believed to stem from childhood trauma, early relationships with friends and family, genetics, hypersensitivity to textures, noise, or light in childhood, or general personality and temperament. [2]
  2. Empaths are people who are extremely perceptive and sensitive to the emotions of others. Just as everyone is narcissistic from time to time, everyone is empathetic on occasion—but empaths struggle to differentiate other people’s feelings from their own, and tend to prioritize others’ needs and desires ahead of their own. [3]
    • While "empath" has been widely accepted by the general population as a personality type, the term is still relatively unacknowledged in the psychology community. [4]
    • Because they are so quick to put others first, it’s common for empaths to be taken advantage of, especially by narcissists.
    • As with narcissists’ egoism, empaths’ tendency to put others first may be indicative of extremely low self-esteem. Essentially, empaths believe they don’t “deserve” the attention or care they give to others.
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Section 2 of 5:

Narcissist and Empath Chemistry

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  1. Because empaths are so sensitive to other people's emotions and needs, they may be more likely to look past a narcissist's red flags. It doesn't help that narcissists are capable of being incredibly charming (at least early on in the relationship). [5]
    • It's not just empaths who are drawn to narcissists' charming exterior: lots of people are drawn to narcissists' positive traits, but empaths may be more likely to look past their unsavory traits than others. [6]
  2. Because empaths' sense of self is so tethered to their ability to help people, they may be more likely to enter into relationships with troubled partners (like narcissists) out of a desire to "fix" them. This attitude stems from empaths' tendency to take on more responsibility for others than they should (meanwhile, the narcissist may take on little to no responsibility for themselves or for their empath partner). [7]
    • Many people go into dysfunctional relationships believing they can change their partners, and empaths are no exception here. But unless their narcissist partner actually wants to change, it's probably best to end the relationship.
    • Over-responsibility is sometimes, but not always, linked to OCD, suggesting that some empaths may be over-sensitive and -responsible out of a desire for control. [8]
    • Sometimes empaths are born of narcissist parents, and as adults, they may seek out the same dynamic they had with their parents with a romantic partner—either because it’s familiar, or because they believe they can “correct” any ill treatment they may have endured by recreating the dynamic with a partner who treats them like their parents did.
  3. Most people want a partner who is supportive and compassionate, but narcissists are on another level entirely. Their incredibly fragile ego and low self-esteem mean they demand a lot of attention and energy from others, and their lack of empathy means they tend to not reciprocate it. Thus, the selfless empath is usually the narcissist’s target romantic partner. [9]
    • Some narcissists are capable of loving their empath partners, but this doesn’t necessarily mean they know how to show it or know how to be a good partner.
  4. In a codependent relationship (sometimes called "relationship addiction"), each partner is emotionally reliant upon the other to a destructive degree. Empaths' and narcissists' complementary tendencies naturally draw the two personality types together, but without lots of hard work, the relationship may become codependent and therefore self-destructive. [10]
    • Empaths often achieve a sense of worth from taking care of others, and narcissists need lots of taking care of. Meanwhile, narcissists' sense of self-worth relies on a constant influx of care, attention, and admiration, and empaths are often willing to provide just that.
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Section 3 of 5:

Narcissist and Empath Relationship

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  1. At the beginning of a narcissist-empath relationship, the narcissist will likely attempt to present themselves as the ideal partner. They'll seem heavily invested in the empath and shower the empath with attention in order to gain the empath’s trust and loyalty. This manipulation tactic is sometimes called love bombing.
    • During this stage, the narcissist may try to convince the empath that they’re “soulmates” and pressure them into a committed relationship immediately, perhaps sooner than the empath would otherwise be comfortable with.
  2. After the narcissist has drawn the empath into a relationship, the narcissist may attempt to break the empath down to further ensure the empath’s loyalty and reliance on them. They may do this by gaslighting them so that the empath no longer trusts their own reality; by deriding the empath so they don’t believe they are “worthy” of the narcissist’s love; by isolating them from supportive friends or family; or by attempting to keep the empath financially dependent on them.
    • The narcissist may try to get the empath alone often—which sounds romantic, but is really a form of control. The narcissist may even go so far as to drive wedges between the empath and their social circle to keep the empath isolated.
    • The more control a narcissist gets, the more callous they may become. As the narcissist gains influence over the empath, they may act in increasingly cruel ways, such as by lying to the empath or having affairs.
  3. Empaths are wired to give people the benefit of the doubt, and that includes narcissists. Moreover, the narcissist’s control over the empath may eventually cause the empath to doubt themselves so much that when the narcissist mistreats them, they not only may be compelled to forgive them, but the narcissist may even try to gaslight them into believing that their reality is somehow flawed—that the narcissist did nothing wrong, and it was all in the empath’s head.
    • When the empath tries to assert boundaries or communicate reasonable expectations of the narcissist, the narcissist may accuse the empath of being selfish or needy, and argue that they themselves are a “victim.”
    • A narcissist may also employ the manipulation tactic known as “fiend progress” to convince the empath that they’re working on their personal growth.
    • Fiend progress might involve pretending to attend therapy or weaponizing therapy lingo to convince the empath that they’re “changing.”
  4. Once the narcissist has broken the empath down, they may become bored with the empath or wish to move onto someone else. At this point, they may withdraw from the empath. They may end the relationship entirely, or they may only temporarily discard the empath, and begin the love bombing cycle again after a period if they believe the empath is useful or desirable.
    • The narcissist may employ a technique known as “hoovering” to “suck” the empath back into their web. They’re likely to do this once the empath begins to become more independent from the narcissist.
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Section 4 of 5:

Keeping the Relationship Healthy

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  1. Maintaining a healthy relationship with a narcissist will always be a challenge, but an empath can increase those odds by creating and sustaining clear boundaries with their narcissist partner. The empath must decide what they will and won’t tolerate—for instance, name-calling or lying—and hold their partner to those rules. [11]
    • If the narcissist refuses to respect the empath’s boundaries in a given situation (for example, they begin yelling at the empath during an argument), the empath may choose to exit the situation.
    • It can be hard for an empath to set boundaries when they’ve been conditioned to be “selfless,” but remember, setting personal boundaries is not selfish!
    • In an abusive situation, it’s best to leave as soon as possible. There’s no point in trying to convince an abusive partner to respect boundaries.
    • At a minimum, dealing with a narcissist is exhausting. While trying to improve the relationship may be worthwhile, the empath may leave whenever they want, even if the narcissist isn’t abusive.
  2. Part of what makes being in a relationship with a narcissist so hard is that their behavior can be so unexpected compared to non-narcissistic people’s behavior. Understanding what might trigger certain behavior in a narcissist (and, perhaps, why) can help an empath avoid being bowled over by the narcissist’s behavior and know how to respond in a productive way—while maintaining personal boundaries. [12]
    • For instance, because narcissists are so insecure, the empath spending time with friends may trigger irrational alarm in the narcissist, causing them to lash out. The empath may prepare for this by informing the narcissist of their plans ahead of time, and reassuring them they still care about them, they aren’t abandoning them, and they’ll be back later.
    • With lots of time and patience, the narcissist may learn to manage their triggers more effectively.
  3. Because narcissists struggle with such low self-esteem, genuine compliments can go a long way in helping boost their confidence. Over time, elevated confidence can help alleviate their narcissistic traits. [13]
    • The compliments must be genuine, though, and not just flattery: authentic compliments can help narcissists identify their positive traits and accomplishments and be encouraged to develop them, while false flattery is likely to contribute to their grandiosity.
  4. Both empaths and narcissists can maintain a strong sense of self and higher confidence by practicing good self-care , including exercising, eating well, cultivating their personal passions, and getting plenty of alone time to meditate and reflect on their relationship. By investing in their goals and taking care of their basic human needs, the empath can maintain the independence necessary to pursue a meaningful and healthy relationship with their narcissist partner, and the narcissist may elevate their self-esteem, which may minimize their narcissistic behavior. [14]
    • The narcissist may try to convince the empath that taking personal time is “selfish,” so it’s important for the empath to hold their ground here.
  5. One of the major ways a narcissistic relationship becomes abusive is by the narcissist isolating their empath partner from healthy connections with friends and family. To maintain as healthy a relationship as possible with a narcissist, both empaths and narcissists must make the effort to cultivate strong social lives outside of their relationship. [15]
    • Because narcissists are so skilled at manipulating empaths’ reality and sense of self, good friends are an invaluable resource: they can help maintain the empath’s confidence as well as offer an outside perspective on the relationship when need be.
    • A strong social network will also help the narcissist , who may benefit from having a support system (beyond their partner) of people willing to confront them about their behavior when needed. [16]
  6. Empaths and narcissists usually require counseling or therapy to work through their relationship. A therapist educated in narcissistic behavior may be able to help each partner understand their role in the relationship and how to go about improving the dynamic to make it more balanced. Because it’s common for narcissists to try to silence their empath partner from expressing negative feelings about the relationship, if possible, both partners may attend private therapy in addition to couples therapy.
    • Just because a narcissist attends therapy doesn’t mean they’re committed to changing. Empaths must be aware of narcissists’ tendency to fake “fiend progress.”
    • But not all narcissists who attend therapy are faking it: they may be hard-pressed to seek therapy for the sake of the empath, but they may attend if they notice their personal or professional life is suffering due to their own behavior.
    • It’s important to remember that NPD isn’t a character flaw, but a mental health disorder, and with time, therapy, extreme effort, and perhaps medication, narcissists can learn to manage their symptoms. [17]
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Section 5 of 5:

When an Empath Leaves a Narcissist

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  1. People do sometimes have long and fulfilling relationships with narcissists, but frequently, relationships with narcissists become toxic or even abusive, and the empath needs to leave —or the narcissist discards the empath after they’re “done” with them. Regardless of how a breakup comes about, the narcissist will often attempt to get the empath back after a period of time to exert control over them once more, often by employing the love-bombing tactic they used at the start of their relationship.
    • Some narcissists have a desire to “conquer” empaths who are particularly confident or independent. [18] Once the empath has been broken down due to the stress of the relationship, the narcissist may lose interest until the empath rebuilds their confidence again.
  2. It’s common after a breakup for a narcissist to try to lure an empath back into a relationship by guilt-tripping them. They may attempt to persuade the empath that they were wrong to leave, or they may try to convince the empath that they are struggling without the empath and that the empath needs to come back to take care of them.
    • The narcissist knows that much of an empath’s self-worth is tied to how kind they believe themselves to be, and they may use this against the empath by accusing the empath of being selfish for leaving.
    • In some cases, the narcissist may even resort to threatening self-harm if the empath doesn’t return.
  3. Narcissists are incredibly emotionally fragile and may become abusive after their partner ends the relationship (if they weren’t already abusive). When an empath ends a relationship with a narcissist, the narcissist might take that rejection as the ultimate affront and seek revenge on the empath.
    • This punishment could take many forms. Sometimes, the narcissist will spread rumors about the empath to turn others against them, or, if they’re married, they may drag the empath through a long and expensive divorce, just for the sake of hurting them.
    • The empath must not underestimate the havoc their narcissist ex can cause. If the empath believes they could be in any sort of danger, they can take steps to protect themselves by reaching out to domestic violence networks and trusted friends and family for support.
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      References

      1. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/friendship-20/201709/are-narcissists-more-likely-be-abusive
      2. ↑ https://my.clevelandclinic.org/health/diseases/9742-narcissistic-personality-disorder
      3. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/human-kind/201901/having-empathy-and-being-empath-what-s-the-difference
      4. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/pathological-relationships/201203/genetic-and-neuro-physiological-basis-hyper-empathy-0
      5. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/women-autism-spectrum-disorder/202006/5-reasons-youre-attracted-narcissists
      6. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/through-the-looking-glass/201511/beware-the-charming-narcissist
      7. ↑ https://www.scientificamerican.com/article/how-to-stop-feeling-overly-responsible/
      8. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/live-life-creatively/202001/ocd-is-fire-be-harnessed
      9. ↑ https://my.clevelandclinic.org/health/diseases/9742-narcissistic-personality-disorder
      1. ↑ https://www.mhanational.org/co-dependency
      2. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/narcissism-demystified/202006/7-ways-set-boundaries-narcissists
      3. ↑ https://www.betterhelp.com/advice/personality-disorders/how-to-live-with-a-narcissist-what-you-should-know/
      4. ↑ https://www.betterhelp.com/advice/personality-disorders/how-to-live-with-a-narcissist-what-you-should-know/
      5. ↑ https://my.clevelandclinic.org/health/diseases/9742-narcissistic-personality-disorder
      6. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/narcissism-demystified/202006/7-ways-set-boundaries-narcissists
      7. ↑ https://my.clevelandclinic.org/health/diseases/9742-narcissistic-personality-disorder
      8. ↑ https://my.clevelandclinic.org/health/diseases/9742-narcissistic-personality-disorder
      9. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/addiction-and-recovery/202106/why-strong-women-and-narcissists-attract-each-other

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