How to Get an Avoidant to Chase You

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A guide to understanding avoidants and winning their affection
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Avoidant people tend to, well, avoid people—so how do you get them to chase after you? There are ways to go about this! Avoidants pull away from people because they feel misunderstood and fear commitment. When you accept them and show you can provide a safe space for them to be themselves, they’re sure to be drawn to you! We’ve put together a thorough list of psychology-backed ways to get an avoidant to chase you, including tips from love and relationship coaches, Julianne Cantarella and Nicole Moore. If you’re ready to get closer to your avoidant crush or partner, read on!

How to Make an Avoidant Chase You

Be a little mysterious and try not to overshare, as avoidants value privacy. Compliment them and use positive body language, like maintaining eye contact and subtle touches on the arm. Give them space and freedom, and try to move at their pace without demanding commitment. Be patient and show them you're trustworthy.

Section 1 of 3:

Getting an Avoidant to Chase You

  1. Avoidant people like slowly learning about you, piece by piece. Don’t share your entire life story when you’re first getting to know them. Only share what’s relevant to the conversation you’re having— it'll keep them wanting more. As you get to know each other more, you can open up about your life in more detail. Cantarella says, “Keep things simple and do a lot of listening, and you’ll be keeping that mystique alive.” [1]
    • Moore agrees with Cantarella and adds, “Lean back and listen more than you talk in social interactions where [they are] around. Plant a quiet, almost smirking smile on your face when people are talking as if you have some secret inside joke that no one else is aware of.” [2]
    • Moore encourages that you leave them wondering “what’s going on in your mind and what’s behind that mysterious smile, because [they] can’t figure it out since you’re not saying much.” [3]
    • Leave bread crumbs about yourself to keep your avoidant interested in you. They’ll think about you more intently (in a good way). [4]
    • Being mysterious doesn’t mean you can’t share your thoughts and feelings. Just share your life story in chapters instead of throwing the whole book at them.

    Meet the wikiHow Experts

    Julianne Cantarella is a Dating Coach, Certified Life Coach, Licensed Social Worker, and the CEO and President of New Jersey's Matchmaker. She specializes in helping women heal from heartbreak and create healthy, long-term relationships.

    Nicole Moore is a Love and Relationship Coach and the Founder and CEO of Love Works Method, a private coaching service for women looking to find the right partner. She specializes in body language and helping others build strong relationships.

  2. Avoidants look for any opportunity to be disappointed or find flaws. This is how they justify distancing themselves and shutting other people out. Show them they can count on you no matter what by following through on your promises and doing what you say. When they learn they can trust you, they’ll feel more comfortable pursuing you. [5]
    • Only make promises you can keep and follow up on.
    • Always be honest and open about your feelings.
    • Match your actions to your words to prove you mean what you say.
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  3. Avoidants overthink and doubt themselves when they’re not distracted. Try doing something active or creative together, like a hike or a painting class. They’ll get lost in the activity, and it’ll be easier for them to build trust and intimacy with you. [6] Try things like:
    • Recreational sports or outdoor activities like volleyball or pickup soccer.
    • Taking a walk through a new neighborhood or park.
    • A cooking, dance, or gardening class.
  4. Many avoidants suffer from low self-confidence or damaged self-esteem. [7] If they think you’re out of their league, they’ll start to distance themselves. Make them feel good and desired by complimenting their good looks , intelligence, or the way they make you feel. If you make them feel wanted, they’ll want you! [8]
    • It's difficult to compliment someone who’s pulling away from you. Do your best to say nice things about them, even if you’re unhappy about their current behavior.
    • Let them know they’re the only person you’re interested in. Say things like “no one is as nice to me as you” or “you’re the most interesting person I know.”
  5. Open, relaxed body language makes an avoidant feel secure around you. It shows them that you’re receptive to their advances and invites them to make a move. Physical cues are less overwhelming to an avoidant than words—communicating these same things out loud might cause them to retreat farther from you. [9]
    • Cantarella suggests that you “make eye contact” and “hold it for more than 3 seconds.” She adds, “Do some light touching on the arm and try to mirror their behavior.” [10]
    • Try not to cross your arms or let your eyes wander—it’ll make the avoidant feel nervous or unwanted.
    • Avoidants usually have nervous or inhibited body language themselves since they’re not sure how much to interact or proceed with someone.
  6. Even when they feel close to you, an avoidant needs alone time. So, when your avoidant partner starts to pull away, let it happen. Metaphorically, they want you in their house, but not always in the same room as them. Let them know you value independence and alone time, so they don’t feel like they’re letting you down by focusing on their interests and careers. Accepting that they need independence is a surefire way to make them want to be with you more. [11]
    • Barrages of texts or frequent requests for attention might overwhelm an avoidant. Discuss boundaries to see what they’re comfortable with—they’ll appreciate your efforts to understand them.
  7. The waiting game is crucial to convincing an avoidant to contact you. Let them meditate on you and your relationship, and wait for them to initiate the next phase or first move. Even if they’re pulling away, there’s a good chance they still have feelings for you. When they realize you’re not contacting them, they might be afraid of losing you and be inclined to finally give you a call.
    • It’s hard to wait, so occupy yourself with hobbies that fulfill you and spend time with people who support you. Just because you’re waiting on them doesn’t mean your life is on pause!
    • A little FOMO can work wonders. If you’re having the time of your life even though they’re not with you, it’ll drive them crazy enough to come running back.
  8. Nothing scares an avoidant more than when romance moves too fast. It’s tempting to make the most out of moments where they let themselves get close to you (like saying “I love you” for the first time or asking them to move in with you), but it’s best to simply enjoy their efforts to get close to you without any pressure. Over time, it’ll make them feel safe enough to take a risk and chase after you. [12]
    • Rushing or pressuring them into anything—a commitment , getting a dog together, or even just a date—can make them feel closed in.
    • Respect an avoidant’s need for time to make decisions and choose to pursue you. After you stick it out, they’ll feel closer and more trusting of you.
  9. Avoidants isolate when they think they’re dragging the relationship down. It’s important to point out the good and meaningful things they do, so they don’t focus on the negative. Tell them what you value about them or highlight the things they do that make you smile. When they feel adequate, they’re more likely to open up and pursue a relationship. Moore says, “Communicate with [them] openly and honestly.” Eventually, this should make them make an effort to open up, too. [13]
    • Share how much you appreciate it when they open up to you (and reassure them you’re always there for them). [14]
    • Tell them you enjoy their company or that you always have fun when they’re around.
    • Subtly acknowledge the sweet nothings and small favors they do for you that hint they’re warming up (a smile or squeeze of their hand is enough).
  10. Avoidants don’t need much communication to feel satisfied in a relationship. Try to be OK with this and stay patient when you’re waiting for them to call or text you back—it might take them hours or even days to get back to you. Remember that they struggle with communication and chances are they aren’t ignoring you on purpose. [15]
    • Try not to misinterpret their slow communication as cruelty or ignorance. When you accuse them of wrongdoing, they’ll take it as a reason to get even more distant.
    • It takes time to accept and get used to this irregular communication. Don’t beat yourself up if you don’t adapt right away.
    • When an avoidant sees that you’re still there for them during their isolated spells, they’ll feel more confident in you and your future together.
  11. When an avoidant is being distant, show them what they’re missing out on! Treat yourself to a clothes shopping spree or spa day, try out a new hairstyle, or do anything that makes you glow. You’ll pique your avoidant crush’s interest while investing some time in yourself (it’s important to do things that make you feel good while you grapple with their distance). [16]
    • Don't confuse looking good with attention from the avoidant. Tend to your appearance because it makes you feel confident—your avoidant would be lucky to be with you right now!
    • If the avoidant sees other people giving you attention or hitting on you, it may trigger their FOMO and motivate them to reach out to you.
  12. Avoidants are drawn to people who don’t broadcast their whole life online. It adds to the enticing mystery you’ve built around yourself. This rings even truer if you’re already dating an avoidant—they’re very private and don’t usually like having pictures of all their dates and outings with you online. According to Cantarella, keeping your personal life private can “help protect you” so strangers don’t know “every little detail” about your life— and your avoidant partner will certainly appreciate the anonymity as well. [17]
    • Try not to post for a few days or weeks. At the very least, avoid posting photos of you with your avoidant date (it'll increase their anxiety). [18]
    • Overall, avoidant people use social media less than others as a way to maintain privacy and keep their romantic lives hidden. [19]
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Section 2 of 3:

What is an avoidant?

  1. An avoidant is someone who struggles with intimacy and trust in a relationship. Those with an avoidant attachment style tend to be closed off emotionally in relationships, constantly seeking independence in an effort to remain emotionally detached from their spouse. Avoidant attached adults may be products of traumatic or unstable childhoods, causing them to create emotional distance between themselves and others as a coping mechanism. Past relationships could have also affected their attachment style, leading to issues with vulnerability, ultimately due to a fear of rejection. [20]
    • Avoidant attached men may not want to get too close to their partners as a result, which creates commitment, trust, and intimacy issues.
    • Avoidant attached men may also come off as secretive, suspicious, and dismissive. They’re prone to self-sabotage relationships so they can be off the emotional hook.
    • If you want to learn your attachment style, take our Attachment Style Quiz .
Section 3 of 3:

Do avoidants ever chase?

  1. Avoidants are less likely to chase since they generally want to be left alone. Avoidants value freedom and autonomy and are terrified of being smothered or controlled in relationships. Therefore, they are less likely to chase you than other attachment styles, but this isn’t to say that there’s no chance at all! If an avoidant genuinely likes you, feels comfortable around you, and is able to take some alone time to recharge their batteries, they’re likely to miss you and chase you, so to speak. [21]
    • Avoidants are most likely to chase someone with similar values who loves their independence, but can provide company, affection, and security whenever they’re together.
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      • They are insecure about themselves so showing that you truly want them and literally are patient with them is something they wont forget. Also, be comfortable with your life apart from them. There will be times when they are distant for some time. It will help with your own well-being. One more thing—they don’t do well with confrontation for fear you may be trying to control them. Putting them in more of a position of control and autonomy can help.
      • It's extremely important to listen to their words and what they say...they're telling you what they need so just listen.
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      References

      1. ↑ Julianne Cantarella. Dating & Relationship Coach. Expert Interview
      2. ↑ Nicole Moore. Love & Relationship Coach. Expert Interview
      3. ↑ Nicole Moore. Love & Relationship Coach. Expert Interview
      4. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/why-bad-looks-good/201708/the-seduction-of-secret-how-intrigue-sparks-attraction
      5. ↑ https://psychcentral.com/blog/love-matters/2018/07/18-ways-to-increase-intimacy-and-communication-with-an-avoidant-partner#4
      6. ↑ https://www.aconsciousrethink.com/15107/dating-and-relationship-with-an-avoidant-partner/
      7. ↑ https://www.attachmentproject.com/blog/avoidant-attachment-style/
      8. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/evidence-based-living/202109/the-psychology-compliments-nice-word-goes-long-way
      9. ↑ https://bayart.org/how-to-make-an-avoidant-miss-you/
      1. ↑ Julianne Cantarella. Dating & Relationship Coach. Expert Interview
      2. ↑ https://www.regain.us/advice/dating/interested-in-someone-who-has-an-avoidant-attachment-style-dating-tips-for-success/
      3. ↑ https://psychcentral.com/blog/love-matters/2018/07/18-ways-to-increase-intimacy-and-communication-with-an-avoidant-partner#5
      4. ↑ Nicole Moore. Love & Relationship Coach. Expert Interview
      5. ↑ https://psychcentral.com/blog/love-matters/2018/07/18-ways-to-increase-intimacy-and-communication-with-an-avoidant-partner#3
      6. ↑ https://www.aconsciousrethink.com/15107/dating-and-relationship-with-an-avoidant-partner/
      7. ↑ https://www.aconsciousrethink.com/13735/how-to-make-him-miss-you-like-crazy/
      8. ↑ Julianne Cantarella. Dating & Relationship Coach. Expert Interview
      9. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/intl/blog/here-there-and-everywhere/202306/why-anxious-and-avoidant-attachment-attract-each-other
      10. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/close-encounters/202102/how-someones-attachment-style-affects-their-social-media-use
      11. ↑ https://psychcentral.com/blog/love-matters/2018/07/16-signs-of-an-avoidant-or-unavailable-partner#3
      12. ↑ https://brianamacwilliam.com/anxious-avoidant-relationship/

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