How to Deal With Parents Who Don't Understand You

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Learn to live with parents who don't see eye-to-eye with you
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As you and your parents are from different generations, it's understandable there will be some cultural differences between the two of you. You also may want different things for yourself than your parents want from you. If you want to accept that your parents do not understand you, try to empathize with your parents. If you understand where they're coming from, you're more likely to accept your differences. From there, work on smoothing over any conflicts that arise from those differences. You may feel better if you state your point of view to your parents, but know you may often have to agree to disagree. Lastly, do not let your parents' approval completely control your sense of self. It's okay to feel good and positive about yourself, even when your parents do not quite understand the person you are.

Things You Should Know

  • Listen to your parents' opinions and try to empathize with their perspective. They have their own unique lived experiences that inform their viewpoints.
  • Clearly explain your own point of view, explaining why and how you believe what you believe. Ask your parents to hear you out before shutting you down.
  • Handle yourself with maturity, and avoid whining or complaining. If the conversation goes nowhere, agree to disagree, and focus on what you have in common.
Part 1
Part 1 of 3:

Empathizing with Your Parents

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  1. You may feel that your parents are being unfair or uncaring if they do not understand you. This is not necessarily the case. Oftentimes, differences stem from generational divides. Your parents may have reasons for not understanding you or your perspective. [1]
    • Your parents may have grown up in a culture with different beliefs. Perhaps, for example, your father's father was very strict. Your father may feel pressure to be a "good parent" coming from his father, causing him to not understand your need for freedom or autonomy.
    • Your parents lack of understanding may also be caused by outside factors unrelated to you. If your mother does not always have time to listen to the problems you're having with your social group at school, think about what she's going through. Is your mother busy? Is she stressed at work or experiencing difficulties with her family? Outside factors may be blocking your mother's ability to understand you.
  2. Listening is key to understanding anyone, including your parents. If you want to understand where the divide comes from, talk to your parents and truly engage with what they're saying. Understanding the bigger issues around communication in your family will help you fix the problem. [2] [3]
    • Listen in every day conversations. Even if your parents are just ranting about work or a co-worker, what they're saying can lead to insight on their values, strengths, and weaknesses. When your parents are talking to you, give them your full attention.
    • Also, watch body language. Body language can convey a hidden meaning to what someone is saying. For example, your father fidgets a lot and hunches over when he tells you he doesn't want you going to the dance without a chaperone. His body language indicates he's nervous. You may assume he does not understand how much the dance means to you. However, he may merely be an anxious person by nature and his concern for your well-being is overriding his ability to empathize with your needs as a teenager.
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  3. When you're listening, pay attention to your parents feelings. If you understand what your parents are feeling, and why they may feel this way, this can give you insight as to why they don't understand you. The more you know, the more you'll be able to accept the lack of understanding. [4]
    • Imagine what your parents may have felt when they tell you about an experience they have had. For example, say your mom tells you about a friend she had as a child who got involved with a bad crowd and eventually dropped out of high school. Imagine how your may feel about this. Perhaps she's scared of the same thing happening to you.
    • Ask questions to make sure you're understanding your parents' feelings. For example, "How did losing touch with Shannon make you feel? You must have been scared. Do you have any regrets?"
    • Try to see how these feelings influence behavior. Maybe your mom is strict with you because of her bad experience with Shannon. Her desire to protect you may be interfering with her ability to understand your need for freedom and autonomy.
  4. The stories we expose ourselves to can really help develop our sense of empathy and our understanding of the world. If you're struggling with your relationship with your parents, read books and watch films about parent/child relationships. Seeing others cope with a lack of understanding between themselves and their parents can help you learn how to deal. [5]
    • Explore movies and books by theme. At your library, the online card catalogue may help you search for books by topic. You could type in something like, "Parent/child relationships." On video streaming sites like Netflix, videos may be tagged with similar topics.
    • Ask your friends, teachers, and a local librarian for recommendations.
    • As your watch or read, consider what the characters are experiencing and feeling. See if you can make any connections between these stories and your own life. How do the characters deal with their parents not understanding? Are there any coping skills you can adopt yourself?
  5. Parents rarely mean to make you feel misunderstood. Your parents are usually trying to protect you from the dangers of the outside world. [6]
    • Your parents may say things like, "These are the rules in this house and that's it." You may think your parents are dismissing your perspective. However, they may simply not want to explain certain dangers to you.
    • Your parents were young once as well, and probably do understand, at least to a degree, some of your frustrations with them. As parents, though, their need to protect you comes first.
  6. In rare cases, your parents inability to understand you can be a warning sign of emotional abuse. If your parents routinely dismiss your perspective in a way that is belittling or hostile, you may be a victim of emotional abuse. The situation should be addressed by a therapist before it gets worse. [7]
    • Think about how your parents talk to you. Do they criticize you in a very intense way, using foul language to put you down? Do they constantly belittle your feelings when you express your opinion or feelings? Your parents may use terms like "worthless" to describe you or refer to you as a "mistake." Your parents may say, "You're being too sensitive" if you get upset at the way they talk to you, for example.
    • Your parents may also abuse you via neglect. They may, for example, fail to make sure basic needs, like food, shelter, and safety, are met.
    • Your parents may also expose you to violence, or threaten violence. They may threaten to harm you in a physical way, or threaten a household pet, when they're angry.
    • Emotional abuse is a problem greater than a simple lack of understanding. If you are being emotionally abused, you should seek the help of other adults to help address the situation.
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Part 2
Part 2 of 3:

Dealing with Conflicts that Arise from Your Differences

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  1. If you and your parents do not see eye-to-eye, certain conflicts are inevitable. You may find yourself frequently frustrated with a disagreement. When a conflict does come up, talk it out. Plan a good time and place to talk over disagreements. [8]
    • Pick the right time to talk. Remember that life is busy for adults, so make sure you know your parents' schedules. Think about when your parents are usually free. For example, maybe one or both of your parents are occupied on most weekday nights, but everyone tends to be home on Saturdays.
    • Choose a location where everyone is comfortable and one that is free from outside distractions. For example, the living room may be a bad option if it contains the TV. Instead, opt to sit around the kitchen table and talk.
  2. Before you talk with your parents, spend some time considering your own point of view. You want to identify the problem and your feelings surrounding it before going into the conversation. This way, you'll be better equipped to express your feelings.
    • It can help to write it out. Take a piece of paper and jot down the issue you're having. For example, "Mom and Dad won't let me go to a slumber party until I'm 12, so I'm missing my best friend's birthday."
    • Now that you've identified your problem, write down your feelings. How and why do you feel you're being misunderstood? For example, "I feel like my parents don't understand how much Sophie means to me. I want to be a good friend and go to her party."
  3. Once you're ready to talk out the issue, be mature. You're unlikely to bridge any gaps by going into the situation with anger. Remaining calm, explain to your parents how and why you feel they're being unfair and how you feel you're being misunderstood. [9]
    • Be clear, direct, and honest with your parents about how you feel. There is no sense withholding any information as you're striving to be understood. For example, state something like, "I feel sad that I can't go to Sophie's party. It's important for me to be a good friend to her, and I feel like you don't understand that."
    • As you talk, try to understand your parents' point of view. Why might your parents not want you to attend this party? Do they have any good reasons?
  4. You should not whine or complain when talking to your parents. If you maintain a friendly and respectful tone, you're more likely to communicate effectively. If your parents do not change their minds, do not yell or sulk. Say something like, "I understand you don't want me to go to the party, but I want you to understand where I'm coming from." [10]
  5. If your parents do not understand you, they may not ever agree with you in regards to certain things. In these cases, part of acceptances is agreeing to disagree. If there's still misunderstanding between you and your parents after a discussion, work on accepting the fact and moving forward. [11]
    • There may be room for compromise in some situations. For example, your parents may agree you can attend your friend's party, as long as you don't sleepover. However, compromise is not possible in all situations. If you and your parents can't find a way to meet each other halfway, you'll need to agree to disagree.
    • Remember, you're your own person. You have a set of thoughts, values, and opinions that will not always align with your parents. You can follow your parents' rules, especially if you are still living at home, but keep in mind you do not have to agree with them. It's okay to have differences of opinions between yourself and your parents.
    EXPERT TIP

    Moshe Ratson, MFT, PCC

    Marriage & Family Therapist
    Moshe Ratson is the Executive Director of spiral2grow Marriage & Family Therapy, a coaching and therapy clinic in New York City. Moshe is an International Coach Federation accredited Professional Certified Coach (PCC). He received his MS in Marriage and Family Therapy from Iona College. Moshe is a clinical member of the American Association of Marriage and Family Therapy (AAMFT), and a member of the International Coach Federation (ICF).
    Moshe Ratson, MFT, PCC
    Marriage & Family Therapist

    Talk to your parents with confidence, even during a disagreement. Conflicts with your parents can get heated, but instead of yelling, try a calmer approach. Think about what you want to say, take a deep breath, and express it clearly and maturely.

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Part 3
Part 3 of 3:

Accepting Yourself Despite Disapproval

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  1. You do not want to rely solely on your parents' approval, especially if they do not understand you. Learn to take pride in your own unique strengths and skill set, even if your strengths are not necessarily things your parents would value. [12]
    • Write down a list of your strengths. This can help you affirm your talents and social skills. Include personality strengths, like "I'm a kind person" or "I'm funny" as well as talents or skills. For example, "I'm really good at math."
    • Your parents may not value all your strengths, which is why it's important you value them. If your parents do not understand you, they may not understand why some of your interests and passions constitute strengths. It's important you believe this yourself.
  2. You need to have a good support network if your parents do not understand you. Seek out supporting friends, who affirm your strengths and believe in you. Do not hang out with anyone who's negative and tends to put others down. A solid friends group can help you feel good about yourself, despite negativity from your parents. [13]
    • Friends can also help if you're having difficulty with your parents. Talking to someone outside the situation can help you cope. Your friends may also have some insight on how to deal with parents who do not understand. [14]
  3. You may become more critical of yourself if your parents do not fully understand your strengths. You need to work to shut out the voice of self-criticism and instead focus on encouraging and loving yourself. [15]
    • Do not be ashamed of your weaknesses or flaws. Everyone has imperfections. Instead of focusing on them, try to pay attention to how your strengths balance out such imperfections.
    • Think about how you've overcome certain weaknesses, or at least worked within the confines of your flaws. For example, say you get a "B" on a chemistry test. Do not think, "I should have done better. I wish I was smarter." Instead, think, "I know chemistry isn't my best subject. I'm proud I studied and brought up my grade from the last test."
  4. If your parents lack of understanding has crossed the line into abuse, it's important you seek outside help. You need to be able to love and accept yourself, and these things can be hard in an abusive situation. [16]
    • Talk to another adult, such as another relative or the parent of a friend. You can also talk to someone at your school, like a school counselor.
    • You and your parents may need to see a therapist together. It's important your parents recognize negative habits and learn to treat you better as a person.
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      Tips

      • Take your parents to something that you enjoy doing; offer to explain it to them in the same way that a tour guide would. Sharing your interests with your parents can help bridge the gap.
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      Warnings

      • If your parents are violent, emotionally or mentally abusive, seek immediate help. There is no excuse for child abuse, no matter how old the child is.
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      References

      1. ↑ https://us.reachout.com/facts/factsheet/arguing-with-your-parents-or-guardians
      2. ↑ Hilya Tehrani, PsyD. Licensed Clinical Psychologist. Expert Interview. 27 August 2021.
      3. ↑ https://kidshealth.org/en/teens/understanding-others.html
      4. ↑ https://kidshealth.org/en/teens/understanding-others.html#
      5. ↑ https://kidshealth.org/en/teens/understanding-others.html#
      6. ↑ https://us.reachout.com/facts/factsheet/arguing-with-your-parents-or-guardians
      7. ↑ https://kidshealth.org/en/parents/child-abuse.html
      8. ↑ https://kidshealth.org/en/kids/talk-parents.html#
      9. ↑ https://kidshealth.org/en/kids/talk-parents.html#
      1. ↑ https://kidshealth.org/en/kids/talk-parents.html#
      2. ↑ https://us.reachout.com/facts/factsheet/arguing-with-your-parents-or-guardians
      3. ↑ https://psychcentral.com/lib/therapists-spill-12-ways-to-accept-yourself/
      4. ↑ https://psychcentral.com/lib/therapists-spill-12-ways-to-accept-yourself/
      5. ↑ https://us.reachout.com/facts/factsheet/arguing-with-your-parents-or-guardians
      6. ↑ https://psychcentral.com/lib/therapists-spill-12-ways-to-accept-yourself/
      7. ↑ https://kidshealth.org/en/parents/child-abuse.html#

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