13 Thoughtful Ways to Comfort Your Girlfriend When She's Upset

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Support your girlfriend with sweet words and caring actions
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When someone you care about is in distress, like your girlfriend, your first instinct is to try and comfort her. Maybe she’s upset about something that happened at work or school, angry at something you did, or perhaps, she’s simply feeling down and in need of some tender love and care from her favorite guy. Whatever the reason, keep reading to learn more about how to comfort your special lady, including expert tips from licensed clinical psychologist Donna Novak, Psy.D.

How to Comfort Your Girlfriend

To comfort your girlfriend when she's upset, practice active listening and really make sure you understand what's wrong. Ask what you can do to support her. Stay calm, give her a hug, and try to make her laugh. Remind her that you've gotten through tough times before and will again.

Section 1 of 3:

Giving Your Girlfriend Emotional Support

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  1. Within reason, you should make your girlfriend your number one priority when she's upset and needs your support. How quickly you're there for her might be as important as being there itself, and the act of you rushing to her aid lets her know how much she means to you. This, alone, will help her feel better regardless of why she's upset
    • Obviously, you won't be able to rush to your girlfriend at the drop of a dime. Most times, you will have to find the right balance between tending to your priorities and being there for her.
    • If you're at work or school and her situation is dire, provide her with verbal support by letting her know that she is your number one priority and that you will be there physically as soon as you can.
  2. While you're talking to her, the best thing you can do initially is to let her know she has your complete attention. Although you'll be getting this impression across through your words as well, attentive body language shows her that you're listening with your body as much as your brain. Steady eye contact, leaning and pointing your body in her direction, smiling, and nodding your head when appropriate all will show the girl that you care. [1]
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  3. Until you know what your girlfriend is specifically upset about, you can't offer any but the broadest consolation. Whether the situation is minor or a life-changing issue, hold off on the advice at first—instead, start by listening intently to what she's saying. Novak encourages you to engage in active listening: “Listen to what they're saying and repeat back what you believe you're hearing. So, that way, you're getting confirmation that you're actually understanding what the other person is going through.” [2]
    • Empathy cannot happen if you're partly focused on your own thoughts. Even so, you shouldn't be afraid to offer your own feelings, but only if she asks you for them.
  4. Don't just assume you know the best way to solve her problem. Ask what she really needs, and see if there's anything you can do to support her. Novak advises that you give her the space to figure out “what the other person is needing.” You can also see if there's anyone else that can be of support, “to be able to help them in a particular moment,” if you're not able to. [3]
    • If your girlfriend told you before that there's something she'd like for you to do while she's upset, like holding her hand and just being there for her, try that at first. When she calms down, ask if there's anything else she'd like.
    • Reader Poll: We asked 2085 wikiHow readers, and 61% of them agreed that the best way to comfort your girlfriend when she talks to you about personal problems is to show empathy and offer support . [Take Poll]
  5. In addition to whatever she is feeling bad about, your girlfriend may feel a new kind of shame in simply showing emotional vulnerability to you. If you think this is the case, you should pull her in close to you and remind her feelings are normal and only to be expected. Reassure her that her trust in you will never, ever be betrayed. [4]
    • Novak adds that you should remind her of “past times that were successful, or when you two were able to get through something,” and that should help her recognize that you're “there to support [her] in the process” as you always have been. [5]
    • Offer a tissue if she's crying, especially if she’s wearing any eye makeup. She’ll be very appreciative of your gesture.
  6. Remember that the focus should be entirely on your girlfriend and her feelings while you are offering comfort and support. This might be difficult if you're emotionally involved in the situation which upset her, but you must put your feelings on the back burner and let hers be fully worked out. If you get overly upset and start folding in your thoughts and feelings, it will only make matters worse. And, in the end, you will have done little to comfort or console her.
    • If you're upset, it's best to make her feel better, then tend to your side of the issue at a future time.
  7. Provided your girlfriend didn't rush into your arms for comfort from the get-go, giving her a hug is recommended at some point. The positive effects of hugs are well-known. It's a quick way to feel better, as everything from the stress level to one's blood pressure becomes regulated during a hug. [6]
    • When you meet with her, it's important not to overstep your bounds. This includes keeping a cap on physical affection or romantic gestures unless you think she's in the mood for it.
    • When you see her in person, come close but respect her personal space. If she wants something, chances are she will let you know.
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Section 2 of 3:

Cheering Your Girlfriend Up

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  1. Laughter helps relieve stress and re-centers emotions. In this way a number of mental and emotional problems can seem less critical and more manageable. If you and your girlfriend have a strong enough chemistry, you are probably making her laugh on a regular basis as it is. Humour is a powerful remedy against mental stress, and it can help get her find off of what's bothering her long enough to affect positive change in her mood. [7]
    • Tell her a corny knock-knock or dad joke, or play a clip from her favorite romantic comedy.
  2. Gift-giving is surprisingly well-suited for times of stress. Although a bouquet of flowers obviously isn't going to make the problem itself go away, it is a physical sign of love and affection. The symbolic nature of a gift can go a long ways towards making your girlfriend feel better.
    • Giving her a present can be effective, but only if it's backed up with honest talk and warmth.
    • Try to consider whether the reason your girlfriend needs comforting is really appropriate for whatever gift you're getting her. Flowers are suitable for just about any situation, but getting her favourite video game after her parents have died probably isn't going to get the reaction you're looking for.
  3. Cuddling is a bona fide remedy to most emotional troubles. If your girlfriend has been feeling upset about something, there's usually nothing better than to cuddle up once things have been relatively resolved. Even if she's not feeling totally fine by the time you get down to cuddling, the act of cuddling itself comes with an impressive range of benefits, including boosts to feelings of well-being and happiness.
    • Once you're cuddling up, you might think about watching her favourite movie together. Something light-hearted and fun is usually best, and the entertainment is a great way to keep her mind off the issue at hand until she's calm and rested enough to properly deal with it.
  4. 4
    Make her favorite meal. Some foods are referred to as “comforting” for a reason— they are! If you don’t already know what her favorite meal is, ask her, go get the ingredients, and whip it up for dinner. There’s no bad mood that can’t be made better by a generous helping of luscious mac and cheese, steak and buttery mashed potatoes, or a good old-fashioned hot fudge sundae. The effort you put into cooking for her alone is sure to bring a smile to her face— and her belly. [8]
  5. 5
    Do some chores around her place. If your girlfriend is truly down in the dumps, she may not have the energy to sweep, fold laundry, or do any of her household chores. Help her out by doing some minor things around the house, like taking out the trash, buying her groceries, and tidying things up. They say actions speak louder than words, and these kind gestures on your part will tell her everything she needs to know. [9]
  6. 6
    Plan a fun date. When your girlfriend is trying to get out of a funk, getting her out of the house is the first step. Give her a few options to pick from, like a picnic, a movie, or a few rounds of Top Golf, and go from there. Help her choose an outfit and hype her up as she gets ready. Go all out to make her feel special, and she’ll hopefully forget all about her recent misfortunes— for at least a couple of hours! [10]
    • Other fun date night ideas include going to a concert, a play, or an adventure park.
    • Taking old Western photos, going to a cooking class, and trying an escape room are all unique and fun alternatives.
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Section 3 of 3:

Final Takeaways

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  1. Try to be there for your girlfriend whenever you can. Part of being in a relationship means being there for the other person when they need it, and you’ll probably take turns needing support from one another. Wanting to be there for your girlfriend during a tough time is admirable and important, but don’t beat yourself up if you can’t solve her every issue. Some problems don’t have quick fixes, and can be complicated, deep-rooted, or require time in order to be resolved. In these cases, stay positive and try to keep her spirits high.
    • Be there for her in person if you can, but phone calls can also really help.
    • If she is feeling down about something, it's best to act quickly. Do what you can, when you can.

Expert Q&A

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  • Question
    How can I encourage my girlfriend?
    Donna Novak, Psy.D
    Licensed Clinical Psychologist
    Dr. Donna Novak is a Licensed Clinical Psychologist based in Simi Valley, California. With over ten years of experience, Dr. Novak specializes in treating anxiety and relationship and sex concerns. She holds a BA in Psychology from the University of California, Los Angeles (UCLA) and a doctoral degree (Psy.D) in Clinical Psychology from Alliant International University-Los Angeles. Dr. Novak uses a differentiation model in treatment that focuses on personal growth by increasing self-awareness, personal motivation, and confidence.
    Donna Novak, Psy.D
    Licensed Clinical Psychologist
    Expert Answer
    Help her recognize past times that she was successful or that she was able to get something hard. In addition, remind her that you're there to support her along the way.
    Thanks! We're glad this was helpful.
    Thank you for your feedback.
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    Not Helpful 0 Helpful 7
  • Question
    How do I help my girlfriend fix a problem?
    Donna Novak, Psy.D
    Licensed Clinical Psychologist
    Dr. Donna Novak is a Licensed Clinical Psychologist based in Simi Valley, California. With over ten years of experience, Dr. Novak specializes in treating anxiety and relationship and sex concerns. She holds a BA in Psychology from the University of California, Los Angeles (UCLA) and a doctoral degree (Psy.D) in Clinical Psychology from Alliant International University-Los Angeles. Dr. Novak uses a differentiation model in treatment that focuses on personal growth by increasing self-awareness, personal motivation, and confidence.
    Donna Novak, Psy.D
    Licensed Clinical Psychologist
    Expert Answer
    Ask what you can do to support her. That gives you the space to really hear what she's needing. Also, see if there's anyone else who can be of support to her if you're not able to.
    Thanks! We're glad this was helpful.
    Thank you for your feedback.
    If wikiHow has helped you, please consider a small contribution to support us in helping more readers like you. We’re committed to providing the world with free how-to resources, and even $1 helps us in our mission. Support wikiHow
    Yes No
    Not Helpful 1 Helpful 3
  • Question
    What do I do if my girlfriend is having a hard time?
    Donna Novak, Psy.D
    Licensed Clinical Psychologist
    Dr. Donna Novak is a Licensed Clinical Psychologist based in Simi Valley, California. With over ten years of experience, Dr. Novak specializes in treating anxiety and relationship and sex concerns. She holds a BA in Psychology from the University of California, Los Angeles (UCLA) and a doctoral degree (Psy.D) in Clinical Psychology from Alliant International University-Los Angeles. Dr. Novak uses a differentiation model in treatment that focuses on personal growth by increasing self-awareness, personal motivation, and confidence.
    Donna Novak, Psy.D
    Licensed Clinical Psychologist
    Expert Answer
    Try not to go into problem-solving mode—really take a step back and listen to what she has to say. Also, repeat back what you believe you're hearing so you can confirm that you're really getting what she's going through.
    Thanks! We're glad this was helpful.
    Thank you for your feedback.
    If wikiHow has helped you, please consider a small contribution to support us in helping more readers like you. We’re committed to providing the world with free how-to resources, and even $1 helps us in our mission. Support wikiHow
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    Not Helpful 1 Helpful 4
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      References

      1. ↑ http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/psychpedia/active-listening
      2. ↑ Donna Novak, Psy.D. Licensed Clinical Psychologist. Expert Interview
      3. ↑ Donna Novak, Psy.D. Licensed Clinical Psychologist. Expert Interview
      4. ↑ http://www.huffingtonpost.com/robert-leahy-phd/how-to-talk-to-someone-yo_b_804980.html
      5. ↑ Donna Novak, Psy.D. Licensed Clinical Psychologist. Expert Interview
      6. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/unified-theory-happiness/201406/4-benefits-hugs-mind-and-body
      7. ↑ http://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2014/07/16/9-ways-to-help-a-friend-or-family-member-with-depression/
      8. ↑ https://pinchofyum.com/comfort-meals-to-bring-to-a-friend-in-need
      9. ↑ https://psychcentral.com/depression/messy-room-depression#does-it-exacerbate-symptoms
      1. ↑ https://doablesimplicity.com/fun-date-night-ideas/

      About This Article

      Article Summary X

      Seeing your girlfriend upset or angry can be tough, but comforting her will help her feel calmer and less alone. Listen to her point of view without judging or interrupting her, since just sharing her feelings can make her feel better. Make eye contact and nod to show you’re listening. You can also remind her that her feelings are normal. For example, say, “I understand. Anyone would be upset by that.” If you’re with her in person, try hugging her, holding her hand, or stroking her back to offer some physical comfort. However, don’t take it personally if she doesn’t want physical affection at the moment. Once she’s got her feelings off her chest, try to distract her by making her laugh or talking about something different. For more tips, including how to choose a small gift to cheer your girlfriend up, read on!

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