How to Cope When Your Partner Won’t Defend You To Family

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Learn why they don't stick up for you & how to handle it

Co-authored by Maryana Lucia Vestic, MFA, M.Phil. Reviewed by Asa Don Brown, PhD, DNCCM, FAAETS

Last Updated: April 10, 2025 Fact Checked

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Talking To Your Partner

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Setting Boundaries

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Standing Up For Yourself

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Signs They’re Not Defending You

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Why They Don’t Defend You

When you’re in a relationship with someone, it’s important to work as a team. When your partner struggles to balance their loyalties to you and their family, it’s common to feel hurt or betrayed when your partner doesn’t back you up when their family criticizes or judges you. Not seeing eye-to-eye on how to handle family conflicts can strain your relationship with your partner, so read on to learn how to cope with this situation (with tips from professional life coaches and psychologists). You’ll also discover the signs your partner isn’t defending you to their family and the possible reasons they do it.

Coping With Your Partner’s Difficult Family

Have an open and honest conversation with your partner about how their family’s actions make you feel. Work out a joint solution that sets boundaries with them. Limit contact with them if you can, but speak directly to them when issues come up instead of avoiding the problem. Support each other throughout the process.

Section 1 of 5:

Talking To Your Partner

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1
Sit down to have an honest conversation with them. Discussing your partner's family is a sensitive subject, so you'll want to bring up the topic when your partner is in a receptive mood. Avoid discussing this when they are angry, tired, or stressed. Instead, choose a time when you are both in a good mood and relatively relaxed.
- It may even be a good idea to have the discussion when you are engaging in a mutual activity side-by-side rather than face-on to alleviate some of the tension. Consider bringing up the topic when you are driving or folding laundry. Say, “Babe, I've been wanting to talk to you about your family. Sometimes, I feel like they are very judgmental of me, and you don't seem to have my back.”
- Keep in mind that your partner may need time to process what you have to say, so you might need to break up the discussion into a few conversations over time. Try to be sensitive to your partner’s needs and give them time.
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Tell your partner how their family is making you feel. Be sincere about what is bothering you. Your partner may not even realize how their family’s behavior affects you. ^{[1]
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- Use “I” statements to express how you feel. For example, say something like, “I feel frustrated when we spend time with your family because of the things they say to me.”
- Try to keep your tone neutral during this conversation, even if you’re frustrated. Your partner might get defensive if you’re visibly angry.
- Say something like, “I know you love your mom and she means well, but it really bothers me that she always criticizes the way I’m raising our daughter. I’m starting to dread going to family events because she usually has something negative to say.”
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Tell your partner you need them to stand up for you. Often, it’s best for your partner to handle issues that arise with their own family. Let them know that you need support from them. ^{[2]
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- You could say, “Next time your mom starts telling me how we should raise Olivia differently, can you step in and defend the parenting decisions we’ve made together? Your support would mean so much to me.”
- Avoid blaming them for not supporting you in the past. Try to focus on what you need from them moving forward.
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Don’t focus on their family members’ character. If you make any personal attacks on your partner’s family, your partner may instinctively jump to their side. Keep everything strictly factual when you make your case. Refer to specific events that have happened, and avoid making character judgments. ^{[3]
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- Similarly, avoid using “always” and “never” statements. These statements are rarely true, and they often lead to an argument.
- Remember that your partner loves their family, and it’s natural for them to feel loyal to their family members.
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Brainstorm possible solutions with your partner. Your partner knows their family best, and they may have some good insights into how to handle them. Work as a team to come up with some ideas for avoiding conflict and hurt feelings at future family get-togethers. ^{[4]
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- For instance, you and your partner could sit down and evaluate what's happening and how to approach the situation based on the unique personalities of their family members.
- Perhaps, your partner knows a way to handle a certain family member that could help in your interactions. They might say, “Aunt Sarah is judgmental of everyone I date. It may be better if we just ignore any comments from her.”
- You could even try to come up with some dialogue and rehearse what each of you might say in certain situations. This may make it easier for your partner to step in when you need them.
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Practice active listening when talking to your partner. Even the most sensitive topics can be navigated more easily when you both practice active listening. This involves listening to understand rather than listening to reply. When your partner is talking, try the following: ^{[5]
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- Make occasional eye contact.
- Remove distractions like your phone or the television.
- Display open body language (arms and legs at your side and relaxed).
- Ask questions for clarification (“Do you mean...?”).
- Summarize their point to ensure you understand (“It sounds like you're saying…”).
- Wait until they have finished their message before responding.
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Consider attending couples counseling. If you and your partner are struggling to reach an agreement on how to handle family conflict and it leads to more marriage problems , couples counseling can help you understand each other better. A good counselor can teach you communication strategies and help you create solutions that work for both of you. ^{[6]
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- You might suggest, “Sweetie, I can see you are having trouble standing up to your family. I think it would be helpful if we saw a therapist who can help us figure out how to manage this situation. Does that sound good to you?”

Section 2 of 5:

Setting Boundaries With Their Family

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Separate your relationship from their family. You’re dating or married to your partner, not their whole family. Don’t let problems with your partner’s family members cause more difficulties in your relationship.
- If you feel like the conflict is affecting your relationship, take a moment to remember all the things you appreciate about your partner that have nothing to do with their family. Write these down and read over the list now and then.
- For example, if you only see your partner's family on holidays and special occasions, you might not fret so much about any tension because you both don't have to deal with them all that often.
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Talk to your partner about setting boundaries . Sit down with them and come up with some reasonable limits together. Think about what both of you can do to minimize conflict and maintain family peace. ^{[7]
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- For instance, one of your boundaries might be that your partner’s family members can’t stay the night when they come to visit.
- Another boundary might be not allowing the family to factor in certain couple decisions such as having babies, practicing a religion, or deciding where you live.
- Life coach Seth Hall believes that “there may be a family event where you will see them. You can be kind and respectful while maintaining your boundaries. Take care of yourself whether that means stepping outside or driving yourself to an event so you can leave if you need; or intentionally spending time with those who you get along with.”
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Have your partner communicate your boundaries to your partner’s family. Your partner’s family members will need to know about the new rules you and your partner have decided on. Your partner should communicate these boundaries to their family members so you can both enforce them as needed. ^{[8]
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- Make sure your partner’s family knows the reasoning behind your boundaries, too.
- You or your partner could say something like, “We’re really glad that you care about us, but we’d rather not discuss our finances anymore. Our decisions about money are personal.”
- Psychologist Asa Don Brown, PhD, DNCCM, FAAETS says it’s important to remember that “boundaries are specific guidelines, standards, desires, rules or limits that an individual establishes to protect themselves and others. Boundaries are not a denial of your love and affection for someone. Rather, you are asking that others respect you as an individual.”
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Maintain the boundaries once they’re set and stay consistent. You may need to remind your partner’s family about your boundaries now and then. It takes time for people to learn new behaviors when they’ve gotten used to acting a certain way. ^{[9]
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- If your boundaries are violated, you need to reinforce them by saying, “Remember, we decided that we are not having children, Mom/mother-in-law. Can you please support our decision even if you don't like it?”
- Life coach Maggie Mitchell recommends “recognizing when you are uncomfortable and making a conscious choice on how to handle it. It can be as easy as excusing yourself from the situation or as direct as addressing the issue in the moment.”

Section 3 of 5:

Standing Up For Yourself

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Be confident and assertive when interacting with their family. Remember that you’re an adult, too. Dealing with older family members, such as your partner’s parents, can make you feel like a child again, but it shouldn’t. If you feel like you’re being harassed or judged negatively, it’s your right to stand up for yourself. ^{[10]
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- Being assertive doesn’t have to mean being disrespectful. You can stand up for yourself while still being respectful and kind.
- For instance, you can assertively say, “I know you don't understand my culture, but it's important for me and Henry to celebrate this holiday. I respect your beliefs and I'd appreciate it if you did the same for me.”
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Talk openly with your partner’s individual family members as needed. If you’re having trouble with a particular person, try bringing up the issue with them yourself. Taking the initiative to solve the problem will show your maturity , and they may respect you more for speaking up.
- It’s much better to talk through problems when they happen than to let them go unaddressed for years. Say, “When you talk over me like that, it makes me feel like I don't have a voice. I'd really appreciate it if you let me finish talking before sharing your opinion.”
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Deflect any further unwanted advice or comments. If your partner’s family frequently offers you unsolicited advice or criticism, prepare a few noncommittal responses to redirect the conversation. Practice these responses before you need to use them. This will help keep yourself calm and collected in the moment. ^{[11]
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- If you’re talking to someone older, a good way to handle unsolicited advice is to respond politely with something like, “How interesting!” or “What a neat story!”
- For instance, if your partner’s mother tells you that you should feed your kids differently, ask her how she fed her children when they were growing up.
- Other good go-to responses include “That’s interesting, I’ll have to try it sometime” and “Thanks for the advice, but we’ve decided to do it this way.”
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Consider limiting your contact with your partner’s family. If you really can’t resolve your conflicts with your partner’s family, the best course of action might be to limit your contact with your in-laws . Skipping family events may be the best way to maintain peace and avoid straining your relationship with your partner. ^{[12]
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Research source} However, if you don’t want to skip family events, then you can also set a time limit for how long you will be there.
- Limiting contact and distancing yourself from your in-laws is probably a good idea if your partner’s family is outright abusive or disrespectful to you. People who act like this are unlikely to change their behavior.

Section 4 of 5:

How to Tell They’re Not Defending You

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They invite their family to every single get-together. Whether it’s a birthday party for your child, a holiday, or a weekend outing, your partner makes sure their family members are present, even if they know how it makes you feel. ^{[13]
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- They may even cancel plans with you if their family expects them at their own get-togethers.
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They always take their family’s sides when you argue. When you’ve expressed how badly their family members make you feel, your partner defends their family’s behavior or makes excuses. They may not even be aware that they’re taking their family’s side because of familial allegiance or how used to doing it they are.
It can cause a lot of hurt to know your partner tells their own family news before they would you, especially something personal. They may mention a promotion at work or even something they bought for you.
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They spend more time with them than with you. If your partner is always running off to their family instead of spending quality time with you, it’s easy to feel rejected. What they’re doing is showing you that you are #2, while their family is #1. ^{[14]
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Your partner may not be able to make almost any decisions on their own without asking their family first. This could stem from a learned habit of doing that goes all the way back to childhood. ^{[15]
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They prioritize their family’s needs over yours. If a member of their family needs a ride, a loan, or your partner’s time, they’re happy to give it to them. When you need the same from your partner, it’s not as likely to happen. ^{[16]
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Even if your partner knows how much their family’s behavior bothers you (and agrees), they can’t muster up the courage to face it head on and confront their family about it. ^{[17]
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Section 5 of 5:

Why Your Partner Doesn’t Defend You to Their Family

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Even when certain people leave the nest as adults, they can’t let go of the familial connection they once had. This can often happen with your partner’s mother (or father), but it can happen with their extended family as a whole. ^{[18]
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Family is a huge part of your partner’s cultural norms. Depending on where your partner grew up or his family’s culture, the idea of family (and being loyal) can seem to even outweigh their marriage to you.
Certain kinds of family dynamics mean that parents or other figures put pressure on your partner to do as they say. Your partner may not feel strong enough to confront them or be honest with how their behavior makes them (or you) feel. ^{[19]
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They have unresolved childhood issues. Even if it’s been years since your partner lived with their family members, certain issues that your partner experienced (like not being able to speak up for themselves or say no) have stayed with them.
Depending on how abusive, toxic, or irritating their family’s behavior is, your partner may be too afraid of what might happen if they enter into conflict with their family. In their mind, conflict may lead to their family distancing themselves or cutting off all contact.
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They simply have a lack of awareness about the issue. Even though your partner senses their family’s behavior is wrong, they aren’t fully mentally aware of the situation or how it affects you. They aren’t the type of person to think about the reasons behind other people’s behavior, or even their own.
Your partner may depend on their family for believing in them; it may have always been this way and they could be struggling to come to terms with it. ^{[20]
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Handle Difficult In-Laws Gracefully with this Expert Series

It's hard when the in-laws are not onboard with your relationship with your partner, but you don't have to let them drag you down. Use this expert series to gracefully and effectively deal with difficult in-laws.

1

Deal With Family Members That Dislike Your Spouse

2

Cope when Your Partner's Parents Dislike You

3

Deal with Difficult In Laws

4

Cope when Your Parents and In‐Laws Do Not Get Along

5

How to Set Boundaries with Your In-Laws

6

Get Along with Your In Laws