Download Article
Download Article
So, there's a guy who has a crush on you. Lucky you! It's always nice to know someone thinks you are attractive. You might know he is autistic, or make an assumption. Here's how to either get him to date you, or get him to back off and move on.
Steps
-
Realize that usual flirting techniques may not work. Meeting his eyes and smiling across a room won't work on a guy who feels uncomfortable with eye contact and doesn't usually notice subtle smiles. [1] X Research source
- However, he'll probably pay extra attention to your face, since he has a crush on you, and spend extra energy analyzing your expressions. This means that he'll be more likely to pick up on subtle cues, but he may misinterpret them also.
-
Be direct with him. For example, a non-autistic guy might pick up that "There's this really cute guy I like..." might mean him, but an autistic guy is less likely to realize that you aren't talking about someone else. Try to avoid signals that could be misinterpreted. [2] X Research source
- You don't have to walk up to him and flat-out announce "I like you." Instead, use the more obvious flirting tactics in your repertoire, and clearly communicate through your words and body language that you're interested. Remember, not everyone likes to be touched.
- It's fine to err on the side of forwardness. Many autistic people are sincere and straightforward, and they enjoy it when people are clear about what they want.
Advertisement -
Ask about his special interests. Many autistic people love to talk about their special interests, and are happy to teach you or discuss back and forth. If you let him know that you're interested, he'll stay interested.
-
Give him opportunities to help you. One of the positive traits of some autistic people is a heightened sense of social responsibility, or the desire to help others and fix problems. Open up to him and allow him to help you navigate your problems. It will bring you closer together. [3] X Research source
-
Admit your crush, when the time feels right. Expect him to get excited, and probably admit he likes you too . If he gets flustered, don't worry; he just needs time to put into words what he wants to say. [4] X Research source
- There is a slight chance that he'll panic or overreact. If so, it's probably because he doesn't know what to do (not that he doesn't like you). Give him time.
-
Ask him out . Autistic people often have trouble initiating conversations. Instead of gauging his interest by how much he initiates, consider how much he reciprocates. If he's happy when you ask him out, that means he's definitely into you. [5] X Research source
-
Do not rely completely on autism stereotypes. Autistic people are an incredibly diverse group (just like non-autistic people), and popular perceptions often aren't particularly accurate. Get to know him as an individual, and don't rely on stereotypes. [6] X Research source
-
Be clear about your feelings along the way. Mixed signals are confusing in general, but even more so for autistic people. If you have a schedule conflict, tell him it's a schedule conflict, and ask to reschedule the date. If you're upset, tell him that you're upset, and why. This will help him respond to you better. [7] X Research source
-
Love him for who he is, autism and all. That is the greatest gift you can give an autistic person.
Advertisement
-
Don't take advantage of his interest in you. Since he may be honest and unabashed in his pursuit of you, it may be tempting to put off rejecting him to avoid breaking his heart . This can hurt him, by allowing him to be led on and look like a fool. It's best to "rip off the band-aid" and tell him right away. [8] X Research source
-
Take him aside and clearly tell him how you feel . Since mixed signals can confuse autistic people, directly explain that you're flattered but uninterested. While he'll feel a little sad, part of him will feel grateful that you were clear with him so he could stop wasting his time wooing someone who didn't want to be wooed. [9] X Research source
- Speak as clearly and compassionately as you can.
- Then tell him if you want to be friends or if you think it's better that you go your separate ways.
- Don't offer to be his friend out of pity. You won't be doing him or yourself a favor. Only offer to be his friend if you truly like being with him.
-
Continue hanging out as much as you'd like. He will probably be okay with going back to being friends.
-
Consider giving him a little space if he seems to be having a hard time. Seeing you might be painful to him for a while, and he may be too polite to say it. If you notice that he seems a little sadder or more distant than usual, it might be time to back off for a little while. [10] X Research source
-
Set limits as needed. For example, if he likes to spend hours chatting in the evenings, it's okay to say "Hey, I really can't talk with you after 7 pm. I've got plans tonight." You don't have to mention that the plans involve movies and fuzzy pajamas.
-
Tell him if he's doing something you don't like. Explain that a specific action makes you uncomfortable or is socially inappropriate. Give reasons if you can. Most likely, he will be apologetic and respectful of your feelings.
- For example, "It startles me and makes me feel uncomfortable when you hug me from behind. Please stop doing that. If you want a hug, you can approach me from the front, or hug somebody else."
- It may feel blunt, but clarity is the best way to get through to him. That way, he won't keep doing something you don't like, and then feel embarrassed or guilty about not noticing the signals later.
-
Treat him with compassion. Remember that autistic people, while sometimes socially clueless, are good at heart. Raising your voice or making accusations will hurt him, and you may feel like a bully afterwards.
Advertisement
Expert Q&A
Ask a Question
200 characters left
Include your email address to get a message when this question is answered.
Submit
Advertisement
Tips
- If you want to better understand autism, look up things written by autistic people and autistic-run organizations. The hashtags #actuallyautistic and #askanautistic are popular among the autistic community on social media. (The #autism tag is populated largely by parents and siblings.)Thanks
- Find out some things you have in common with him, like a hobby, a band, a characteristic, a trait, etc. Autistic people are incredibly passionate about their special interests, and if you share one, you can share many conversations about it.Thanks
- If necessary, ask his close friends and family members for tips on dealing with him. They know him best.Thanks
Tips from our Readers
The advice in this section is based on the lived experiences of wikiHow readers like you. If you have a helpful tip you’d like to share on wikiHow, please submit it in the field below.
- Remember that autism and neurodivergence look different in different people, not everyone can’t make eye contact or pick up on social cues. Everyone is different.
Submit a Tip
All tip submissions are carefully reviewed before being published
Thanks for submitting a tip for review!
Advertisement
Warnings
- If he stalks you or continues violating your boundaries after you've told him not to, ask an authority figure for help.Thanks
- Don't tease or make fun of his autistic traits, even if you aren't serious. Autistic people are humans. Many autistic people are belittled by peers, family members, and therapists. Don't join that pattern.Thanks
- Don't show your support by promoting organizations that aren't run by autistic people. Many of these groups say hurtful and psychologically abusive things. Always do your research.Thanks
- Despite misconceptions about autism, people with autism are interested of relationships. However, it is important to ask them if they are interested of dating you before ask him out. People with autism are humans and they have the right to say "yes" or "no" for dating someone else, just like you have the right to say "yes" or "no" for dating a guy or a guy have the right to say "yes" or "no" for dating a girl. An autistic person who isn't interested into you will not say it automatically but, it is easy to find out when they show indifference of your intent (usually, when we are interested into someone else, we want to spend much more time with the other and we text him or her a lot). For example, when you say "hi", he will answer you just to be polite, although he didn't realize you are interested into him. If you ask him to hang out with you, he might say "yes" or "no" to your proposal. If he say "yes", it is also possible that he just view you as a friend. If he say "no" and you keep insisting, he might keep refusing to hang out with you and you might feel on his level and you might ask "why?". Or even when he flees every opportunities to spend time with you as soon as he learned you are interested into him (because, when we are autistic, we don't necessarily want to date with any other people around us and it is just a matter of consent) for example by hearing the other girls speech or reading your cues (because, there is different degree of social cues among autistic peoples). Because, autistic people, unlike others don't view boys or girls but they just view "peoples" and they know by themselves that everyone is different. For them, choosing a partner just matter of their personality.
- Just take a look of guys around you. Is there any reasons why you would not date with one of them if he ask you out? There is plenty of reasons you might refuse but, the main ones is that he might not be right for you. Similarly, when a girl isn't his type, it is just because for him, dating with this person isn't right for him. And when we are autistic, dating others is all but it is also a dangerous place for you and peoples took advantage of us because we trust them so much. So, when an autistic person refuses to date with you, it simply means it is a bad match. It is nothing against you. If he refuses to date with you, don't give up and move on to someone else.
Thanks
Advertisement
References
- ↑ https://www.theatlantic.com/health/archive/2013/08/dating-on-the-autism-spectrum/278340/
- ↑ https://autisticmama.com/communication-and-autism/
- ↑ https://www.spectrumnews.org/features/special-report/people-autism-lessons-scientists-love-compassion/
- ↑ https://www.autostraddle.com/flirting-with-danger-dating-fails-and-asd-244519/
- ↑ https://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=98959992
- ↑ https://adsd.nv.gov/uploadedFiles/adsdnvgov/content/Programs/Autism/ATAP/Autism%20Myths%20and%20Misconceptions.pdf
- ↑ https://theconversation.com/people-with-autism-dont-lack-emotions-but-often-have-difficulty-identifying-them-25225
- ↑ https://www.nytimes.com/2011/12/26/us/navigating-love-and-autism.html
- ↑ http://kerrymagro.com/when-someone-on-the-autism-spectrum-gets-rejected-in-the-dating-world/
About This Article
Article Summary
X
If a guy with autism has a crush on you, try to get to know him as an individual, since every person with autism is different. If you like the guy back, try using more obvious flirting techniques, like touching his arm and complimenting him a lot. Since some autistic people have trouble starting conversations, you might have to make the first move and tell him you like him or ask him out. On the other hand, if you’re not interested in the guy, try to make it clear that you don’t like him, since this might not be obvious to him at first. Pull him aside and gently tell him you don’t like him romantically or that you’d like him to give you some space. This might seem mean, but it’ll be much nicer than letting him chase after you with false hope. For more tips, including how to find common ground with an autistic guy, read on!
Did this summary help you?
Thanks to all authors for creating a page that has been read 670,074 times.
Reader Success Stories
- "It helped understand how he is thinking about things. It also made me realize why he seems to always be staring at me. He got his feelings hurt when I told him it was rude to stare. Now I realize why. He's trying to learn about me." ..." more
Advertisement
"It helped understand how he is thinking about things. It also made me realize why he seems to always be staring at me. He got his feelings hurt when I told him it was rude to stare. Now I realize why. He's trying to learn about me."
..."
more
"This was very helpful, thank you. Tomorrow I will go to school and address the boy in a nice way and ask him to give me my personal space."
..."
more
"I am an autistic person myself and when I read this article, it does indeed seem like I'd want to be treated this way."
..."
more
"Compassion is the key, along with unconditional love, whether it be platonic or romantic in nature."
"The tip on how to be his friend still, but turn him down, helped me."
