How do I stop having feelings for my ex?

04/22/25 8:52pm

I dated a guy for four months, two weeks. When we broke up eventually, I found it difficult to suppress my feelings for him. We broke up nine months ago, which makes it weird to still like him. Any help or suggestions on the matter will be highly appreciated.

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Elvina Lui, MFT
Marriage & Family Therapist

04/22/25 8:53pm

Everyone actually takes exactly enough time to grieve when they lose someone they love, but some of us are just surprised at how deep the loss was and therefore are surprised at how long it is taking. If you think to yourself, Why am I still sad? I didn't think this person meant so much to me , this tells you that that person actually did mean a lot to you. Maybe you thought this was the person who you were meant to be with, or maybe this person made you feel safe and feel loved more than you ever experienced before.

Keep in mind that it is a human tendency to hide weakness, so everyone pretends they healed and got over things fast. Do not gauge your speed against what you've seen in other people: you actually don't accurately know how long other people took to heal. For you to love deeply and feel deeply, you are braver than people who guard themselves. Who really would want a relationship so shallow and meaningless that it doesn't hurt much when it ends?

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Amy Chan
Relationship Coach

04/22/25 9:16pm

To move on and get over your ex means to process the emotions of the relationship in a healthy way. Processing is very different from suppressing, distracting, or avoiding your emotions. Processing means allowing yourself to feel your emotions, allowing time for healing, and then reflecting on the lessons you can learn to grow from the experience.

Know the difference between processing and wallowing. The former means you feel the emotions and use self-care, self-compassion, and support to return to equilibrium. It means knowing you have agency over your destiny and that even though it's painful and uncomfortable, you will get back up.

Wallowing is when you see the situation through the lens of a victim and that you are helpless in your circumstances. When you are stuck in victimization, you are not processing, you're prolonging your suffering. When you've accepted, let go, forgiven, and can even find gratitude for the breakup, the emotional charge dissipates, and you feel a lightness and a sense of peace. That's when you've moved on.

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