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Finding a good man can be a struggle for a lot of guys. You have to figure out where to meet them, how to approach them, and then how to gain and keep their attraction. For people that don't naturally have good social skills, it can be like solving a puzzle. Luckily, there are techniques you can use and things you can do to not only get a man but maintain a strong and healthy relationship for the long run.
Things You Should Know
- Get out on the social scene to meet new guys. Attend parties, try dating apps, and check out the gay bars in your area.
- Project confidence to win a man's heart; having high self-esteem makes you more appealing to new connections.
- Compromise, listening, and honest communication are the keys to any healthy, long-lasting relationship. When you start dating, keep that in mind.
Steps
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Go to LGBTQ events and mingle with people. Attending LGBTQ events is a great way to support a cause that you're passionate about and will give you the ability to meet eligible singles. [1] X Research source Choose an event or cause that you can support, and go with a positive mindset to meet new friends and to have fun. Make it a point to get out there and talk to people. If you see someone you're interested in, go up to them and start a conversation. [2] X Expert Source Marissa Floro, PhD
Counseling Psychologist Expert Interview. 1 April 2021.- There are Pride events that happen all throughout the year in most major cities. [3] X Research source Search online for LGBTQ events coming up in your area.
- Some of the largest LGBTQ events include Madrid Gay Pride, NYC Pride, the São Paulo Gay Pride Parade, and Sydney Gay and Lesbian Mardi Gras. [4] X Research source
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Use online dating websites and apps to find other singles. There are many online dating sites that you can use to find eligible singles that live around you. These websites require you to create an account and answer questions to fill out a personal profile. Dating websites are more in-depth and are better for starting a serious relationship. You can also try dating apps on your mobile device to find singles in your area. Apps are designed to be quicker and more to the point. If you are looking just to have fun or meet new people, apps are a better way to connect with a higher number of people in your area.
- Some of the best sites for gay men include Zoosk, BeNaughty, and Match.com. [5] X Research source
- Some of the best apps for dating include Grindr, Scruff, and GROWLr. However, most of the men on these apps are just looking for casual sex, not a serious relationship. [6] X Research source
- When creating a profile on a dating app, make sure to concentrate on the quality and variety of the pictures that you use.
- For gay men, shooting a photo outdoors or showing off toned arms will increase the chances of someone liking your profile. [7] X Research source
- Don't try to start a lengthy conversation via text before meeting someone in person. It's good to meet on dating sites, but it must translate to a real date.
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Find eligible men at gay bars. Do a search online and find the most popular gay bars in your area. Read reviews on each of the bars and choose an ambience that best suits your personality. If you are the quiet type, a subdued, relaxed atmosphere would probably be the best fit for you. If you're more of a party animal, look for dance clubs in your area.
- Gay bars will be filled with eligible gay men that may also be looking for a relationship.
- Some of the most popular gay bars in the U.S. include Roscoe's in Chicago, Bourbon Pub in New Orleans, and Boxers in New York City. [8] X Research source
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Volunteer for an LGBTQ organization or nonprofit. Volunteering for an LGBTQ organization will allow you to meet other gay men that hold similar beliefs and have similar passions for activism. This is also a great way to network with other gay people in your area. Try to tap into different circles of friends so you can find other eligible gay men.
- Look for volunteer groups like GLAAD and The Center in New York.
- Find local community centres that work to advance gay rights.
- Volunteer opportunities may include helping the set up for marches, protests, or events, taking calls, assisting staff, doing digital media, and performing community outreach. [9] X Research source
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Be active, social, and attend events that you enjoy. Just because you're a gay man, doesn't mean that you need to go to exclusively gay events or establishments to meet a mate. Remember to keep a positive frame of mind, and get out and be social in the world. Take a community class or join a gym if you are having trouble interacting with other people. Take opportunities to attend social events with groups of friends and be kind and welcoming to people that you meet. A genuine and positive attitude will naturally attract other men to you. When you find someone you're attracted to, put in additional effort to spend more time with them. [10] X Expert Source Marissa Floro, PhD
Counseling Psychologist Expert Interview. 1 April 2021.- Avoid being vindictive, mean, or dismissive to people that you meet.
- If you find someone that you like, ask them out by saying "Hey, I think you're cool. Would you like to grab a drink or coffee sometime?"
- If you're unsure of the guy's sexuality, pay close attention to his body language. If he's closed off, seems uninterested, or pulls away when you make physical contact, there's a good chance he's not attracted to you.
- Don't give up just because it doesn't seem like there are many gay guys in your area. You can still meet gay guys in a small town .
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Love yourself. Before you attract a man, you need to love yourself and want the best for yourself. This may seem like common sense, but it's an important aspect that many people forget before dating. [11] X Expert Source Imad Jbara
Dating Coach Expert Interview. 5 November 2019. If you can't see your self-worth, then others will have a hard time seeing it as well.- Appreciate your small victories and recognize that while you do have imperfections, those are the things that make you unique.
- Don't dismiss all the negatives. Work to improve in areas that you think need improvement and be realistic with your goals and what it will take to achieve them.
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Become more confident. You can appear more confident by having a straighter posture, smiling, and making eye contact with people while you talk with them. Don't continually self deprecate or be overly critical on yourself. Think about all the positives about your personality, and work to improve in the areas that you lack. [12] X Expert Source Marissa Floro, PhD
Counseling Psychologist Expert Interview. 1 April 2021.- Pretending to be confident may initially land you a guy, but you must develop healthy self-esteem if you hope to last in a long term relationship.
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Take care of your personal hygiene. Smelling fresh and appearing clean is something that will help you attract other people. Remember to bathe every day, wear underarm deodorant, and to keep your nails clipped and clean. Having bad personal hygiene is a huge turnoff for most people, so make sure to keep it in mind while you're looking for a mate. [13] X Research source
- Having clean clothes is also important when you are dating.
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Dress to impress but remain comfortable. When you are going out to meet new guys, it's important that you feel confident and comfortable in your clothes. However, if your outfit makes you feel ridiculous or uncomfortable, it will affect your mood and the way that the date progresses. [14] X Research source Pick out something that you would usually wear, but make sure that it's clean and looks fresh before you go out.
- Wear an outfit that highlights your best features. For instance, if you have muscular arms, wear a t-shirt to show them off.
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Make eye contact and smile at the guy you like. Eye contact is necessary when initially trying to get your man's attention. Eye contact is also an integral part of romance and feeling connected with someone else. [15] X Research source If you're in a public place, and you don't know the guy, make eye contact first to show him that you're interested. If he returns the eye contact, smiles in your direction or keeps looking back in your direction, then you should approach him.
- If he looks away or ignores you then there's a good chance he isn't attracted. Make sure that he sees you looking at him and then gauge him from there.
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Get over your fear of rejection. The fear of rejection can be a powerful emotion that prevents you from putting yourself out there and finding a man. Rejection can cause someone physical and emotional pain, and past experiences may shape how you see your current relationships in a negative way. [16] X Research source To reduce fears of rejection, make sure you aren't investing too much emotionally into one moment. Another way to get over the fear of rejection is to desensitize yourself to it over time. That is, introduce yourself to many men and get used to rejection occasionally. Gradual exposure is a common treatment for people who have phobias or people with anxiety. [17] X Research source
- When you delay approaching or showing affection to someone you like, you are putting pressure on yourself and investing too much into one interaction which may end poorly. [18] X Research source
- Don't build up a scenario on how things will go because you can't foresee the future.
- Use the three-second rule and approach a man within three seconds after noticing him. This will prevent your brain from building up unnecessary anxiety.
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Communicate effectively and honestly. Communication is one of the most critical aspects of maintaining a healthy relationship with someone. Even if you aren't serious with the person you're seeing, it's important to have open communication with them. Don't hold anything back. If they do something that annoys you, have a conversation with them about it. Communicating effectively entails getting things off your chest while still staying sensitive to their feelings.
- Don't let resentment or negative feelings build up without saying anything, and don't be overly critical or obsessive when it comes to their individual personality.
- When giving criticism, try to say it politely so you don't hurt their feelings.
- When receiving criticism, don't jump to feeling offended. Instead, evaluate what they are saying and why they are saying it, and have an honest and open conversation with them. [19] X Research source
- Be interested in what they have to say and remember to listen instead of speaking over them.
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Have a conversation about the seriousness of the relationship. This all comes down to what you are looking for. You may be looking for a committed long-term relationship or you may just want to have fun. Either way, the guy that you're with should understand what you want out of the relationship. Have a conversation with them about your expectations and don't be afraid to hurt their feelings. If you wait and they make assumptions, it may end up hurting their feelings even worse later on.
- If you just want to stay casual, you can say, "Hey, I really like you, but I don't want a serious relationship right now. I'm just trying to have fun and don't want to be committed. If you don't want that and don't want to see me, I totally understand."
- If you want a committed relationship you can say, "I really enjoy your company and want to take the relationship to the next level. I only want to be involved with you, so what are your thoughts about being exclusive?"
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Get over emotional baggage from previous relationships. Carrying baggage over from previous relationships can harm your current one. Throw out old mementos, pictures, and items of your ex to help you get over them. [20] X Research source Don't make assumptions about all men because of your previous experiences and don't think that you have an extraordinary intuition, especially when that intuition manifests negatively most of the time.
- All people are vastly different, and just because someone in the past hurt you, doesn't mean all future men will.
- If you still are emotionally withdrawn or depressed because of your breakup, it's a good idea to take a break from dating.
- Another way to get over past baggage is to find at least one positive that you gained out of the negative experience. [21] X Research source This may be a new insight or perspective that you were able to gain.
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4Do nice things for them. Think about their desires and what makes them happy, and go out of your way to do it for them. This could be a day at the spa, a new pair of shoes, or a note that you leave for him at his house. Think of what he would like and do it. Small things will add up over time and will help you create a mutual appreciation for one another.
- Don't overdo it and smother them. Just remember to keep them in mind.
- Remember to always stay within budget and never spend more money than you have.
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Be willing to compromise. You threaten the health of your relationship when you are unwilling to compromise. When both parties in a relationship can negotiate, it creates a healthy balance and allows both people in the relationship to be happy. Let things go and be willing to change if you care enough about the person. Keep an open mind and always show your appreciation for the guy that you're with. [22] X Research source
- Don't change who you are for another guy, but try to think of the issue objectively. If it's in your best interests or helps the relationship, then it's something you should work on doing.
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Expert Q&A
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QuestionWhat should I do if I don't really know how to act around other queer guys?Dr. Marissa Floro, Ph.D. is a Psychologist and Instructor at Stanford University’s Weiland Health Initiative and adjunct faculty at the University of San Francisco. Dr. Floro received her Ph.D. in Counseling Psychology from Loyola University Chicago, focusing on the intersections of race, attraction, and gender. Dr. Floro’s continued clinical, teaching, and advocacy work focuses on sexual and gender diversity, racial identity and belonging, and liberation from oppressive systems and structures.I've noticed that for a lot of younger people feel a lot more comfortable if they can observe the way other people act. Just try spending more time around queer folks and relax. Watch the way they talk to one another and interact. You'd be surprised how much you pick up on!
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QuestionWhy do I get so nervous around other gay men?Dr. Marissa Floro, Ph.D. is a Psychologist and Instructor at Stanford University’s Weiland Health Initiative and adjunct faculty at the University of San Francisco. Dr. Floro received her Ph.D. in Counseling Psychology from Loyola University Chicago, focusing on the intersections of race, attraction, and gender. Dr. Floro’s continued clinical, teaching, and advocacy work focuses on sexual and gender diversity, racial identity and belonging, and liberation from oppressive systems and structures.This is a totally natural and normal thing. Especially when you're young, it's standard to get kind of antsy around people you want to know better. Don't worry about this too much! As you build your confidence, you'll feel a lot more comfortable.
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QuestionWhy is it so hard to meet gay men?Dr. Marissa Floro, Ph.D. is a Psychologist and Instructor at Stanford University’s Weiland Health Initiative and adjunct faculty at the University of San Francisco. Dr. Floro received her Ph.D. in Counseling Psychology from Loyola University Chicago, focusing on the intersections of race, attraction, and gender. Dr. Floro’s continued clinical, teaching, and advocacy work focuses on sexual and gender diversity, racial identity and belonging, and liberation from oppressive systems and structures.If you live in a really rural area, this can be a bit of a challenge. If you live near a major city, try visiting the popular gay bars or attending gay-friendly events there. You can also try online apps and things like that. It's also possible that you already know a few gay men and you just don't know they're gay yet!
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References
- ↑ https://pairedlife.com/dating/Gay-Men-7-Places-to-Find-Your-Next-Boyfriend-thats-Not-a-Bar
- ↑ Marissa Floro, PhD. Counseling Psychologist. Expert Interview. 1 April 2021.
- ↑ http://www.gaycities.com/events/
- ↑ http://www.fodors.com/news/photos/worlds-biggest-pride-celebrations#!9-sydney-gay-and-lesbian-mardi-gras
- ↑ https://www.datingadvice.com/dating-sites/gay
- ↑ https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Zj-Hev3POpE
- ↑ https://www.wired.com/2014/02/how-to-create-good-online-dating-profile/
- ↑ http://www.out.com/entertainment/popnography/2013/06/27/200-greatest-gay-bars-world
- ↑ http://www.centeronhalsted.org/volunteer.html
- ↑ Marissa Floro, PhD. Counseling Psychologist. Expert Interview. 1 April 2021.
- ↑ Imad Jbara. Dating Coach. Expert Interview. 5 November 2019.
- ↑ Marissa Floro, PhD. Counseling Psychologist. Expert Interview. 1 April 2021.
- ↑ https://www.healthdirect.gov.au/personal-hygiene
- ↑ http://www.datingadvice.com/advice/what-gay-men-should-wear-first-date
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-attraction-doctor/201503/loving-eye-contact-how-mutual-staring-can-create-passion
- ↑ https://mic.com/articles/56291/the-science-behind-why-rejection-hurts-so-damn-much#.CNmCwfDC8
- ↑ http://www.doctornerdlove.com/2012/03/conquer-approach-anxiety/
- ↑ http://www.doctornerdlove.com/2015/03/take-the-hit-getting-over-your-fear-of-rejection/
- ↑ http://www.nicknotas.com/blog/17-rules-for-effective-communication-in-a-relationship/
- ↑ https://www.visionpsychology.com/how-to-let-go-of-emotional-baggage/
- ↑ http://tinybuddha.com/blog/5-steps-deal-with-emotional-baggage-so-it-doesnt-define-you/
- ↑ http://www.lifehack.org/articles/communication/7-ways-learning-compromise-improves-all-your-relationships.html
About This Article
Article Summary
X
As a gay man, it can be a struggle to find someone special, but you can up your chances by putting yourself out there and approaching guys you're interested in. Attend LGBTQ events in your area, since this will make it easier to find someone who is passionate about causes you care about. When you’re looking for a guy, make sure to exude confidence by having good posture, smiling, and making eye contact. If you’re in a public place and want to grab someone’s attention, make eye contact with them and if they smile back, go introduce yourself! While the fear of rejection might hold you back from making an introduction, push yourself to say “Hello.” Even if you get rejected, at least you made an effort! For more help, like how to keep your man once you find one, scroll down.
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