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How to do inner child work to heal past trauma
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Even when you become an adult, your inner child is always with you in some way and is an important source of creativity and excitement. However, if your inner child has been wounded by past trauma, abuse, or neglect, you may still feel the effects even in adulthood. In this article, we’ll explore the different types of inner child wounds, their causes, and the common ways they manifest themselves in adults. If you think you may be suffering from an unaddressed wound, we’re here to give you plenty of advice about how to reconnect with and heal this integral part of yourself. Remember, you’re not alone in this, and we’re here to help.
This article is based on an interview with our licensed psychologist, Catherine Boswell, co-founder of Psynergy Psychological Associates. Check out the full interview here.
Things You Should Know
- Inner child wounds are often the result of childhood trauma, abuse, or neglect and can affect how an adult perceives themselves and behaves in relationships.
- People with inner child wounds may suffer from low self-esteem, have difficulty trusting others, or struggle to express their emotions.
- Write a letter to your inner child to connect with and heal them. Acknowledge their pain and offer them reassurance that their suffering isn’t their fault.
Steps
Section 3 of 4:
Signs of a Wounded Inner Child
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Low self-esteem If you’re suffering from an inner child wound, you might often have very negative thoughts about yourself and a low sense of self-worth Unfortunately, this could be a direct result of physical, emotional, or psychological neglect during your childhood. Some examples of behavior that indicates low self-esteem include: [8] X Research source
- Being overly harsh or critical of yourself
- Hyper-focusing on your failures rather than your successes
- Constantly blaming yourself when things go wrong
- Thinking others are better than you
- Believing you don’t deserve to be happy
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Depression Sadly, depression is not uncommon among people who’ve suffered abuse or neglect in the past. It’s natural to feel sad or down when something really significant happens, but if these feelings persist, it might be a sign of depression. [9] X Trustworthy Source HelpGuide Nonprofit organization dedicated to providing free, evidence-based mental health and wellness resources. Go to source Keep a look out for some of these signs to see if you may be suffering from depression : [10] X Trustworthy Source Mayo Clinic Educational website from one of the world's leading hospitals Go to source
- Feelings of sadness, hopelessness, or emptiness
- Anger, irritability, or frustration over small matters
- Sleep disturbances
- Anxiety or restlessness
- Feelings of worthlessness or guilt
- Reduced or increased appetite
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Addiction Some people who have unresolved issues or unaddressed wounds may turn to things like alcohol or drugs to cope. Unfortunately, this can lead to addiction, which can trigger various physical illnesses and issues. If you’re currently dealing with addiction or substance abuse, seek professional help and support as soon as possible. [11] X Research source
- Call the Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration’s (SAMHSA) hotline at 800-662-4357 to get free help from public health agencies and connections to local resources.
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Emotional repression People who have been emotionally abused or neglected during childhood may have unconsciously made repressing their emotions a habit. If you were taught from a young age that it’s not acceptable to express your wants and needs, you might subconsciously bottle up your emotions in adulthood. [12] X Research source
- Some signs that you may be repressing emotions include sudden stress when others ask about your feelings, nervousness or anxiety, and uncomfortable feelings when others open up to you.
- For example, if you’re in a romantic relationship, you might not feel comfortable with opening up to your partner about your dreams and future goals.
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Loss of identity Children who grew up in households that had strict standards and overbearing caregivers run the risk of not fully developing their unique sense of self later in life. If you had adults in your life who constantly told you what to do, it might be hard for you to decide for yourself what your true interests and passions are as an adult. Because of this, you may find it hard to make decisions and rely on others to make them for you in your adult relationships. [13] X Research source
- It can also be hard to pinpoint your exact wants and needs if you’ve gotten used to ignoring them for the sake of looking after others.
- For example, you might let your friends make all the decisions about what you’ll do when you hang out.
- Or, you might step aside and let your partner make all the financial decisions.
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Insecure attachment style Attachment styles are the types of emotional connections you form with your primary caregivers from infancy. The quality of this connection has a significant influence on how you behave in future relationships. People with secure attachment styles are comfortable with sharing their feelings and relying on others when they need support. However, insecure attachment styles can make someone overly clingy or avoidant of intimate relationships altogether. The 3 types of insecure attachment styles are: [14] X Trustworthy Source HelpGuide Nonprofit organization dedicated to providing free, evidence-based mental health and wellness resources. Go to source
- Anxious-preoccupied (ambivalent): People with this attachment style tend to be overly needy. They want closeness but find it hard to trust others. On top of that, they may have a hard time setting boundaries and be constantly afraid that others will abandon them.
- Avoidant-dismissive: Avoidant-dismissive people are very independent and feel like they don’t need others. They’re often seen as distant and emotionally unavailable in relationships and might prefer casual flings rather than intimate relationships.
- Fearful-avoidant (disorganized): This type of attachment stems from fear often caused by childhood abuse or neglect. Fearful-avoidant people may be neglectful or abusive toward their partner and may even feel unworthy of love.
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Deep feelings of anger Anger is a common response in people who’ve suffered from some type of trauma, abuse, or neglect. Such treatment can leave a person feeling betrayed and distrusting of others, so they may be quick to turn to anger when they feel like something is unfair. Lashing out in anger might also be a way to cope with repressed emotions since it gives you something else to focus on rather than confronting the issue at hand. [15] X Research source
- If you find yourself getting angry or frustrated over even the smallest of inconveniences, it might be a sign that you have some unaddressed inner child wounds that are impacting you.
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Problems maintaining relationships Trust issues and a fear of being hurt can make it difficult to form and maintain healthy relationships after an abusive or neglectful childhood. Any unaddressed issues or wounds you have can make it incredibly difficult to form satisfying relationships, and you might unconsciously find yourself pushing others away. [16] X Research source
- For example, if you’re very distrustful of others, you might seek out casual relationships rather than choosing to settle down with one person long-term.
- Or, you may notice that you keep repeating certain patterns in your relationships. For example, you may find yourself always gravitating toward people are over-dominating due to feelings of insecurity or low self-esteem.
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Fear of abandonment People who were physically or emotionally neglected during childhood often learn to view love and affection as unreliable. Their caregivers were likely inconsistent with giving them attention, so they may have formed a belief that everyone will eventually leave them. Unfortunately, this can lead to a strong fear of being abandoned in future relationships and friendships. [17] X Research source
- If you find yourself feeling extremely anxious at the thought of a friend or partner leaving you, it might be a sign of an inner child wound.
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Distrust Childhood abuse, neglect, and trauma can leave a person feeling extremely distrustful of the people around them even as an adult. Past memories of such treatment can hold you back from fully trusting others, and you may go into relationships feeling skeptical about the other person’s intentions. [18] X Research source
- For example, you may not be willing to open up to friends or your partner because you’re afraid they’ll use your vulnerabilities against you.
- Or, you may take on all of the responsibilities in your relationship because you don’t trust your partner to be reliable.
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Difficulties setting boundaries If you had overbearing caregivers who constantly micromanaged your every move and decision, you might find it hard to set healthy boundaries and say no in your current relationships. It may be that you feel like your wants and needs aren’t that important, so you allow others to make all the decisions even if they’re not your first choice. [19] X Research source
- For example, even if you’re uncomfortable with a lot of PDA, you might not tell your partner no because you don’t want to upset them.
- Or, you might find yourself taking on more work or responsibilities than you’re comfortable with simply because others asked.
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Unwillingness to ask for help Sadly, being neglected during childhood can cause a person to feel like they only have themselves to rely on. They likely learned from an early age that their caregivers wouldn’t be able to give them the support they needed, so they were forced to become independent and self-reliant. As an adult, this can translate into difficulty asking others for help or showing weakness. [20] X Research source
- For example, even when you’re incredibly stressed out at work and have too much on your plate, you might bottle up your emotions instead of talking to someone.
- Or, you might have trouble delegating tasks to other people since you feel like you should be able to do them all by yourself.
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Feelings of guilt Guilt that stemmed from over-critical or judgemental caregivers can easily carry over into adulthood. If you had caregivers who often blamed their mistakes and issues on you, you might be quick to feel guilty even about situations that are out of your control. It’s also possible that you feel guilty about whatever traumatic event happened in the past and blame yourself, even if it’s not true. [21] X Trustworthy Source HelpGuide Nonprofit organization dedicated to providing free, evidence-based mental health and wellness resources. Go to source
- For example, you may feel guilty about not standing up for yourself in the past, even though there may not have been much you could’ve done to prevent the situation.
- Or, you may feel like you’re being too selfish in your relationships because you were taught early on to feel guilty for expressing your wants and needs.
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Avoidance of intimacy Childhood abuse, especially sexual or physical abuse, can, unfortunately, cause a person to be avoidant or even fearful of physical intimacy. Emotional abuse and neglect can similarly make a person reluctant to be emotionally intimate and vulnerable with future partners or friends. [22] X Research source
- For example, you might be uncomfortable with the idea of being sexually intimate with your partner.
- Or, you might avoid emotional conversations or talks about your future together with your partner.
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Physical health problems Unfortunately, childhood trauma can leave you with a variety of chronic or recurrent physical health issues. Things like headaches, stomachaches, and eating disorders are common, and people who have experienced childhood trauma are at a higher risk of heart failure and high blood pressure in the future.
- Sleep disorders, such as insomnia, are also commonly found in victims of abuse or trauma. [23] X Research source
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Mental health issues Abuse, trauma, and neglect can also make a person more susceptible to developing various mental health issues including depression, anxiety, and PTSD. If you think you might be suffering from mental health issues, talk to a licensed psychologist to get an official diagnosis and professional help. Some signs to look out for include:
- Fear and anxiety around certain people or situations
- Extreme mood swings
- Significant tiredness or low energy
- Difficulties concentrating on tasks
- Impaired memory
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References
- ↑ https://www.stepupformentalhealth.org/reparenting-your-inner-child/
- ↑ https://www.counselling-directory.org.uk/memberarticles/reclaim-your-inner-child
- ↑ https://www.helpguide.org/articles/abuse/child-abuse-and-neglect.htm
- ↑ https://preventchildabuse.org/images/docs/emotionalchildabuse.pdf
- ↑ https://preventchildabuse.org/images/docs/emotionalchildabuse.pdf
- ↑ https://www.mentalhealthcenter.org/how-childhood-trauma-affects-adult-relationships/
- ↑ https://helpingsurvivors.org/long-term-effects-child-sexual-abuse-molestation/
- ↑ https://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/how-to-recognize-overcome-childhood-emotional-neglect-0218165
- ↑ https://www.helpguide.org/articles/abuse/child-abuse-and-neglect.htm
- ↑ https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/depression/symptoms-causes/syc-20356007
- ↑ https://www.mentalhealthcenter.org/how-childhood-trauma-affects-adult-relationships/
- ↑ https://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/how-to-recognize-overcome-childhood-emotional-neglect-0218165
- ↑ https://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/how-to-recognize-overcome-childhood-emotional-neglect-0218165
- ↑ https://www.helpguide.org/articles/relationships-communication/attachment-and-adult-relationships.htm
- ↑ https://www.ptsd.va.gov/understand/related/anger.asp
- ↑ https://www.mentalhealthcenter.org/how-childhood-trauma-affects-adult-relationships/
- ↑ https://www.mentalhealthcenter.org/how-childhood-trauma-affects-adult-relationships/
- ↑ https://www.mentalhealthcenter.org/how-childhood-trauma-affects-adult-relationships/
- ↑ https://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/how-to-recognize-overcome-childhood-emotional-neglect-0218165
- ↑ https://psychcentral.com/health/hyper-independence-trauma
- ↑ https://www.helpguide.org/articles/abuse/child-abuse-and-neglect.htm
- ↑ https://psychcentral.com/blog/how-childhood-trauma-affects-adult-relationships
- ↑ https://www.mentalhealthcenter.org/how-childhood-trauma-affects-adult-relationships/
- ↑ https://chhs.source.colostate.edu/rewriting-your-story-how-to-move-past-childhood-trauma/
- ↑ https://www.stepupformentalhealth.org/reparenting-your-inner-child/
- ↑ https://www.stepupformentalhealth.org/reparenting-your-inner-child/
- ↑ https://www.stepupformentalhealth.org/reparenting-your-inner-child/
- ↑ https://psychcentral.com/health/how-to-heal-your-inner-child
- ↑ https://psychcentral.com/health/how-to-heal-your-inner-child
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