How to Tell Whether You're Still In Love

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Figure out your feelings and the future of your romantic relationship
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"They love me, they love me not." Sadly, real emotions often aren't as cut and dry as that. Feelings ebb and flow depending on your general mood and everything else that's going on in your life. But questioning if you still love someone is a very serious matter. That's why we talked to love and relationship coach Nicole Moore and love and transformation coach Jennifer Butler to find out how you can tell if you still love someone and how to act on your feelings.

7 Signs You're No Longer in Love

  1. You and your partner don't talk about the future anymore.
  2. You don't enjoy spending time with your partner.
  3. You look forward to being apart from your partner.
  4. Your partner is no longer a priority for you.
  5. Your sex life has gone stale.
  6. You don't like sitting or standing close to your partner.
  7. You make excuses to spend time away from your partner.
Section 1 of 3:

Evaluating a Current Relationship

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    Feelings don't change overnight, which means it's likely that your feelings have been gradually changing for quite some time. After all, it took time for you to fall in love with your partner, and it also takes time to fall out of love with them. [1]
    • Don't worry about giving yourself some time to unpack all of your emotions—you could seriously damage your relationship if you act out of impulse. Take all the time you need to sort things out.
    • Consider what else was happening in your life when your feelings started to change. Stress and trauma can take their toll on relationships and might affect your feelings for your partner.
    • If your feelings did change overnight, it's possible you were mistaking infatuation for love. Moore notes that "with infatuation, feelings can also change very quickly. You can feel madly in love with someone in one moment and then the second they don't give you what you want... you can turn to hating them very quickly."
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    If you fall out of love, it's an indication that your relationship was lacking in the intimacy necessary for the two of you to be truly vulnerable around each other. Signs that you're falling out of love often relate to a failure to better communicate your needs as individuals and set firm boundaries in your relationship. Here are some things to look out for: [2]
    • You move away from your partner and prefer to sit or stand on the other side of the room from them.
    • When you're away somewhere, you make excuses to stay longer because you don't want to go home and be with your partner.
    • Your partner's needs and interests are no longer a priority for you when you make decisions.
    • You and your partner don't really talk about the future anymore or make plans for more than a few weeks out.
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    Take some time to think about what your ideal future would look like— writing a journal entry is a good way to explore this. Do you see your partner in that future? If you move on without them, will your life suffer or flourish? [3]
    • If you find that your partner is a really important part of your life who you'd just started to take for granted, you might find that you actually do still love them after all. That doesn't mean the two of you don't have issues to work on, though.
    • Keep in mind that being comfortable with someone is not the same as being in love with them. Part of the reason breakups are hard is that they force you to step outside of your comfort zone.
    Esther Perel, Psychotherapist

    Find someone you want to take on life with. "Instead of looking for a person who checks all the boxes, focus on a person with whom you can imagine yourself writing a story with that entails edits and revisions."

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Section 2 of 3:

Reevaluating a Past Relationship

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    You might look back and romanticize an old relationship, but there was some reason that it ended. It might just have been circumstances or that one of you gave up too quickly, but it could also be that there were fundamental problems that needed to be addressed and resolved. [4]
    • A healthy relationship with an ex only happens if both of you have changed in some fundamental way since you broke up with each other. Moore emphasizes that "it's important to first understand why the breakup happened in the first place and what you're going to do differently this time around."
    • If one of you hurt the other, the question is whether both of you can truly forgive and forget. You can't create a future with each other if you're still stuck on past issues.
    • Butler emphasizes doing the work on yourself to meet your own needs first, then look at the potential for a relationship. She continues, "Relationships completely shift when people start to show up as these really empowered partners to themselves."
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    In a lot of ways, the signs that you're still in love are essentially the opposite of the signs that you've fallen out of love. If you're still in love, that means you still support the person and empathize with them. According to Moore, "with real love, you want the other person to be happy no matter what, even if it's not with you." Here are some other signs to look out for: [5]
    • You believe this person is special (you might even refer to them as "the one that got away").
    • You tend to focus on their positive traits and minimize or downplay their negative traits. Moore notes that "when you actually love someone there is usually a steady building of positive feelings toward that person over time."
    • You can't stop thinking about them, no matter how hard you've tried. You always see things that remind you of them everywhere you go.
    • You hurt when they hurt and would readily make sacrifices for them if necessary.
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    Take a piece of paper and divide it into 2 columns, then start writing the pros and cons of a relationship with this person. Don't hold back—write absolutely everything you can remember. Then, consider how your overall quality of life changes when you're with them. [6]
    • If you truly feel like a better person when you're around them, that's something you don't want to let slip away! But since you've already broken up at least once, it's likely that the picture is more nuanced than that.
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    Loneliness can be incredibly painful, but it's not a good reason to jump into a relationship with someone—especially someone you've been with before. It's certainly not the foundation of a healthy or long-lasting relationship. [7]
    • Jealousy is another powerful emotion that can make you start pining for an ex, but just because you don't like seeing them with someone else doesn't mean that you're still in love with them.
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Section 3 of 3:

What to Do About Your Feelings

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    If you're not sure how you feel, some time away can help you get a taste of what life would be like without them. It can also help you unwind and determine if stress was causing you to question your relationship. [8]
    • During this time, you have the opportunity to sort out your feelings without any pressure from your partner. Butler recommends that you also spend time "really tending to yourself, and giving yourself the space to really feel. Let yourself feel everything [and] name those feelings."
    • You also have time to compose yourself and decide exactly how to proceed, based on what you figure out about how you feel.
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    If you're currently in a relationship with the person, have a private conversation with them. Use "I" statements to tell your partner how you feel without sounding accusatory or hurtful. [9] If you aren't currently in a relationship with the person, decide if it's appropriate to tell them how you feel.
    • It's likely not appropriate to tell the person if they're in a relationship with someone else or if you're only doing it to toy with their emotions.
    • Keep in mind that things might get complicated after you voice your feelings. Unless you're sure it's something that needs to be said, it might be best to keep it to yourself.
    • If you're confessing your love to an ex, Moore recommends that you "remember what brought you and your ex together in the first place and to try and replicate that. Remembering why you clicked and loved each other in the beginning can go a long way toward getting back together again."
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    Now that the person knows how you feel, find out how they feel. That will help the two of you decide what you want to do. Approach the person with an attitude of curiosity and respect. Listen actively to what they say, focusing more on their words than on what you want to say or what you hope to get out of the conversation. Whatever decision you make, you'll both benefit from the way you've approached the situation with emotional maturity. [10]
    • For example, if you've determined that you no longer love your partner, the two of you might decide to break up—and now you're ready and able to start a new, independent life.
    • If you were pondering whether you still love an ex-partner and decided that you do, the two of you might decide to give it another go if they have feelings for you as well.
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Expert Q&A

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  • Question
    How do you assess your feelings for someone?
    Chloe Carmichael, PhD
    Licensed Clinical Psychologist
    Chloe Carmichael, PhD is a Licensed Clinical Psychologist who runs a private practice in New York City. With over 12 years of psychological consulting experience, Dr. Chloe specializes in relationship issues, stress management, self-esteem, and career coaching. She has also instructed undergraduate courses at Long Island University and has served as adjunct faculty at the City University of New York. Dr. Chloe completed her PhD in Clinical Psychology at Long Island University in Brooklyn, New York, and her clinical training at Lenox Hill Hospital and Kings County Hospital. She is accredited by the American Psychological Association and is the author of “Nervous Energy: Harness the Power of Your Anxiety” and “Dr. Chloe's 10 Commandments of Dating.”
    Chloe Carmichael, PhD
    Licensed Clinical Psychologist
    Expert Answer
    Make your assessment about you, and really get in touch with how you've felt over time. I often ask clients to tell me the story of how they met the person, what things were like early in the relationship, and when and how the problem started to occur. Often, just by going through the whole history with me, they’ll end up getting a lot of insight and information about their feelings throughout the relationship.
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      References

      1. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/love-and-gratitude/201301/35-ways-tell-if-its-over-and-tell-your-partner
      2. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/intl/blog/cutting-edge-leadership/202101/10-subtle-signs-falling-out-love-someone
      3. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/love-and-gratitude/201301/35-ways-tell-if-its-over-and-tell-your-partner
      4. ↑ https://www.mcgill.ca/counselling/files/counselling/surviving_a_break-up_-_20_strategies_0.pdf
      5. ↑ https://www.livescience.com/33720-13-scientifically-proven-signs-love.html
      6. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/love-and-gratitude/201301/35-ways-tell-if-its-over-and-tell-your-partner
      7. ↑ https://www.helpguide.org/articles/grief/dealing-with-a-breakup-or-divorce.htm
      8. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/love-and-gratitude/201301/35-ways-tell-if-its-over-and-tell-your-partner
      9. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/cui-bono/201211/are-i-statements-better-you-statements
      1. ↑ https://hbr.org/2017/05/how-to-have-difficult-conversations-when-you-dont-like-conflict

      About This Article

      Article Summary X

      To know if you still love someone, think about how attracted you are to them, since a lack of attraction usually suggests a lack of love. In addition to your attraction, pay attention to how easily they annoy you, since getting irritated with your partner can be a red flag. You should also consider the reasons why you’re still in a relationship with them, since it’s easy to mistake love for loneliness or dependence. If you’re still unsure about your feelings for your partner, try having some time and space to yourself so you can see how it feels to be away from them. For more tips from our Psychology co-author, including how to discuss your feelings with your partner or ex, read on!

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