18 Ways to Know If Your Long Distance Partner Is Serious

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Relationship experts weigh in on true love and red flags in an LDR
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It takes a lot of trust and commitment to be in a long-distance relationship, but how can you tell if your partner is really serious about it? You might be more unsure about how your partner feels if they’re in a different city or time zone, but there are so many clear signs that they’re in love with you. We spoke with dating coach John Keegan and marriage and family therapist Moshe Rotson for their expert insight on how to assess the commitment of your partner and how to make your long-distance relationship last.

Top Signs of Loyalty & Commitment in an LDR

  1. They genuinely respect you.
  2. They reach out to you at least once a day.
  3. Their close friends and family know about you.
  4. They discuss plans to be together in the future.
  5. They aren’t possessive or controlling over you.
  6. They make an effort to visit you as much as possible.
1

They’re always making an effort to talk to you.

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  1. Pay attention to whether or not your partner makes time to touch base with you every day, even if it’s just a quick good morning or good night text . If they feel close to you and invested in your relationship, they’ll be ready to chat with you whenever they can. [1]
    • It may feel difficult for you or your partner to find something new to text about every day—but remember that the little things go a long way. “You can just text images or songs that you like, just say ‘I was listening to this song’” and send it to them if it reminds you of them, says Keegan. [2]
    • When you have more time, Ratson recommends “doing a virtual Zoom, Team, or WhatsApp video call to check up with each other regularly and update each other on life.” [3]
    • However, keep in mind that checking in with each other frequently doesn’t mean putting pressure on each other to constantly be available. “You can actually smother a person even when they’re far away,” warns Keegan. “Because, you know, you feel like they should be answering every second that you call, or that kind of thing.” [4]
    • Red Flag: If, on the other hand, your partner never initiates the conversations or consistently goes hours (or days) without responding to your messages, that’s a big red flag for your long-distance relationship.
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2

They ask about your day.

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  1. Your S.O. will care just as much about the little things in your life as they do about your major milestones. Take note of if they ask about the details that you’d normally forget to share, like what you had for breakfast, how traffic was, or how you felt throughout the day. It’s a sign they really care about you and are taking an active interest in your life! [5]
    • Even if you communicate mainly via text, even short messages like, “Hey, what are you getting for lunch? I’m super curious!” are meaningful because they show that your partner really cares.
    • Keegan affirms this advice, saying that your messages can be as simple as a “‘Hello, how’s your day going?’ The less pressure there is, the better. So, maybe something like…‘Hello, what a beautiful day, I’m just taking a walk and going for tea. I hope you’re enjoying…,’ something like that. So just nice, subtle things that send good energy without asking too much.” [6]
3

They tell you that they miss you and can’t wait to see you.

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  1. Even though it’s sad and tough when you miss the person you care about, it’s also a good sign they’re committed to the relationship! If your partner truly misses you, they’ll tell you. It means they’re thinking about you and are serious about being with you. [7]
    • If a long-distance partner messages you multiple times before you can respond, you can tell that they really love and miss you.
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4

They plan regular date nights.

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  1. Your partner will want to make you feel special and bond with you, so they’ll look for unique dates, like watching movies online, doing a virtual museum visit, or cooking the same recipe together. If your partner plans video chats or fun online dates, it’s a pretty good sign they’re in love. [8]
    • Keegan recommends having “actual scheduled dates with each other, because real relationships have quality time. So take the time to have quality time, not just strings of endless low-quality texts or quick conversations.” [9]
    • Choose a time with your partner and say that you’re “having a date,” continues Keegan. “Seven o’clock, Friday or Thursday night, and we’re doing this…We’re going to read poetry to each other, or have dinner together, or we’re going to talk and have dinner and put on the same movie on Netflix. Whatever it is, you can do that.” [10]
    • Keegan suggests to also do things together asynchronously, “like both reading the same book…and reporting on it to each other…or you could learn a language together. So that you can both be learning that at the same time, working on little things together.” [11]
5

They tell their close friends and family about you.

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  1. When a relationship gets really serious, your partner will want you to meet their parents, siblings, and best friends. They’ll chat about their friends and gush about you even when you’re not there. So, once you meet them, they’ll have already heard so much about you. [12]
    • If you get along well with their family, try staying in touch with them as well. They may make you feel a little less lonely with your partner far away.
    • Red Flag: Conversely, if they never seem to mention you to their friends or you haven’t met their family (virtually or in-person) after a significant length of time together, that may be a red flag that they’re not serious about you.
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6

They make an effort to visit you.

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  1. It’s great to hear how much your partner misses you, but in the end, they’ve got to follow through with it and “meet from time to time physically,” says Ratson. [13] If they take every chance they get to see you, whether that means them coming to you or arranging so you can come to them, it’s a great sign. It’s also crucial that both of you make an equal effort to visit each other, if possible. [14]
    • If one of you is always visiting the other, then that might signify a commitment issue (unless there are visa-related complexities or other obstacles involved for one of you).
    • Keegan agrees, saying, “You really do want to schedule actual real-life meetings and make them fun and eventful.” [15]
    • In a solid long-distance relationship, the couple will also have trips planned, continues Keegan, “and they don’t go that long without physically connecting. Whether that’s every month, every six weeks, etc.” [16]
7

They aren’t possessive or controlling.

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  1. In a long-distance relationship, you already have plenty of physical space. But, it’s still important that a long-distance partner doesn’t have any problems with you going out with friends or doing activities that keep you from communicating with them for a bit. They’ll want you to be happy and they’ll let you go out without getting jealous. [17]
    • Allowing you to have your space is a sign that your partner trusts you , which means they’re committed to your relationship and care about your happiness.
    • Jealousy is often an issue in long-distance relationships because you don’t always know where the other person is or who they’re spending time with. “People start getting jealous,” says Keegan, “because they’re thinking, ‘where are they? They were out last night with somebody and [I] didn’t know who that person was.’” [18]
    • However, healthy relationships are built on trust, and a partner who’s serious about you and who trusts you will be able to control any jealous feelings they may be experiencing.
    • Likewise, if you feel yourself becoming controlling or possessive when you’re not exactly sure what your partner is up to, that’s a good time to reflect on your relationship. Are they actually giving you a reason not to trust them, or are you just feeling doubtful because you’re not physically with them?
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8

They let you focus on your own life and goals.

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  1. Your partner should understand that you’re a unique individual and that you have your own dreams that you want to achieve. Your partner will let you have alone time to work towards your goal and they’ll ask what they can do to cheer you on and help out when they can. [19]
    • It’s important in any relationship—including long-distance ones—that each person is able to maintain their individual lives and identities within the romantic partnership.
    • However, you can still strike a balance “throughout the day to give each other enough space to live life while also sharing little things, little pictures, perhaps, as you’re living your day,” says Keegan. “You know, ask for little pieces of advice to help you solve your daily life problems, or otherwise get the other person to be a part of your life.” [20]
9

They get excited about your accomplishments.

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  1. Your partner should be your greatest cheerleader! Whenever you tell them about something good that happened to you, they should get excited with you. It’s a sign that they care about you and your happiness. [21]
    • For instance, if you mention that you aced a test, your partner is a keeper if they call you to shout, “Congratulations! I’m so proud of you!”
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10

You have shared goals and interests.

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  1. When your partner shares a few hobbies and has plans for your future together, it’s a great sign that they’re committed for the long run. If you start to realize that you have more differences than similarities, then it may not be a good fit for a long-term relationship. [22]
    • Future plans should be more than just daydreaming and about actually setting goals for your future. Saying, “I can’t wait to finish up school so I can get a job in the city and get a place with you,” is much stronger than, “Maybe we can move in together someday.”
11

They picture a future with you and try to make it happen.

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  1. Ask them where they hope to be with you in the future or where they’d like your relationship to go. If they talk about moving in together, trips and places they want to take you to, or even an eventual wedding or family, then they see you as someone they want to keep in their lives. It can feel pointless to deal with the challenges of long-distance if you and your partner don’t have a shared plan to eventually be in the same place. [23]
    • It’s a good sign if they say something like, “There’s this amazing Mexican restaurant I found the other day and I can’t wait to take you to it. We’ll have so much fun!” It means they’re planning ahead and putting some thought behind your time together.
    • It’s also important that your partner makes as much of an effort to bring the two of you physically closer as you do. It’s fine if it makes more sense for you to move to where they live, but they should be helping to make that happen by scoping out apartments, looking for a new job for you, etc.
    • “You also want to have a bigger plan together,” affirms Keegan. “Where’s our relationship going in the future? You’re not always going to be long-distance, so how will that resolve itself eventually?” [24]
    • Red Flag: If you find you’re the only one planning for the future or that you constantly have to make decisions about your “endgame” without your partner’s input, then that may be a red flag that your partner isn’t as serious as you thought they were.
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12

They open up about their thoughts and feelings.

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  1. If your partner doesn’t shy away from letting you know what they’ve got going on in their head, it’s a great sign. They should want to tell you when they’re feeling happy, sad, worried, anxious, or any other emotion they have. If you ask them what they think about something, they’ll do their best to tell you the truth and not give any vague or dismissive responses. [25]
    • If you ask them how a work meeting went and they say, “It was okay, but I’m worried I didn’t make a good impression on my manager,” instead of just saying, " It was okay,” then it’s a good sign!
    • Red Flag: If you feel like your partner never shares their feelings or that sharing your own feelings is met with silence or discomfort, then that’s a red flag that the emotional intimacy in your relationship may be diminishing.
13

You’re able to work together to resolve arguments.

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  1. Arguments are completely normal in any relationship, including long-distance ones. The key is that both you and your partner are willing to work through them and still want to be together. If your partner refuses to talk about a problem or admit to it, it may mean they aren’t committed to making your relationship work. [26]
    • A good sign that your S.O. is in love is if they calmly talk through disagreements you have without getting upset (or holding a grudge even when you’ve already resolved the issue).
    • Red Flag: If your partner constantly avoids any serious discussion or conversation or changes the subject when things start to get real, it may be a red flag that they aren’t as invested in the relationship as you are.
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14

They don’t keep any secrets from you.

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  1. Your partner should want to tell you everything that’s going on with them including who they’re spending time with and what they’re up to. If they’re behaving strangely or refusing to tell you who they’re with or what they’re doing, it’s a big red flag. [27]
    • That goes for social media, too. If your partner is keeping certain posts, images, or anything else hidden from you, it could mean they’re not very serious about your relationship.
15

They make promises they can keep.

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  1. Pay attention to how your partner honors their commitments. If they really care about you and are serious about making a long-distance relationship work , they’ll stand by their word and do what they said they would—whether that means calling you at a certain time or arranging a visit every so often. [28]
    • If your partner says they’ll call you at 6, but then 6:30 rolls around and they haven’t, let them explain themselves before jumping to conclusions. They may have a good reason, as long as it doesn’t happen every time.
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16

They truly respect you.

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  1. Respect is one of the most important parts of any relationship, and you deserve to get it from your partner. Your partner should see all your best qualities and tell you what they appreciate about you. If you never hear your partner say an unkind word about you and they always lift you up, it’s a sign they’re in love . [29]
    • This also includes your partner respecting your time. A respectful partner wouldn’t waste your time leading you on if they weren’t serious about you.
17

They make you feel happy in the relationship.

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  1. Pay attention to the little things your partner does that make you smile, like responding to your messages right away or always trying to cheer you up if you’re down. If your partner does everything they can to make you feel warm and fuzzy on the inside, it’s a great sign that they really care. [30]
    • Watch how your partner reacts when you do nice things for them to ensure that they’re happy with you, too.
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18

You’re able to communicate any fears about the relationship.

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  1. While you can look for signs that your partner is committed to making your long-distance relationship work, the truth is that you need to talk to them about it too. Ask them how they feel about your relationship and if they think it’s working. Find out if there’s something that both of you can do to make things better. Healthy communication in a relationship can take a lot of the guesswork out of the equation and make both of you feel more secure in the relationship. [31]
    • Ratson asserts the importance of communication, explaining that “each person needs to understand what exactly…we need to do to overcome distance and have a healthy communication to be able to express that, and not from a controlling place but from, ‘Oh, that’s my need, I would like you to do that. That’s important to me.’” [32]
    • Reader Poll: We asked 639 wikiHow readers, and 59% of them agreed that the most effective way to set expectations and boundaries in a long-distance relationship is to ​​talk through your doubts, uncertainties, and fears together . [Take Poll]

Expert Q&A

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  • Question
    How do you keep a vibe in a long distance relationship?
    Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSW
    Psychotherapist
    Kelli Miller is a Psychotherapist based in Los Angeles, California. Kelli specializes in individual and couples therapy focusing on relationships, depression, anxiety, sexuality, communication, parenting, and more. She is the author of “Love Hacks: Simple Solutions to Your Most Common Relationship Issues” which details the top 15 relationship issues and 3 quick solutions to each. She is also the award-winning and best-selling author of “Thriving with ADHD”. Kelli co-hosted an advice show on LA Talk Radio and was a relationship expert for The Examiner. She received her MSW (Masters of Social Work) from the University of Pennsylvania and a BA in Sociology/Health from the University of Florida.
    Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSW
    Psychotherapist
    Expert Answer
    You should always focus on each person having their own individual life filled with hobbies and passions. It's never a good idea to make your whole life revolve around your partner, be it a long distance relationship or not. Remember that having passions is something that makes us desirable and attractive to our partners.
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      References

      1. ↑ https://behrend.psu.edu/student-life/student-services/personal-counseling/student-resources/long-distance-relationships
      2. ↑ John Keegan. Dating Coach. Expert Interview. 29 June 2021.
      3. ↑ Moshe Ratson, MFT, PCC. Marriage & Family Therapist. Expert Interview. 18 September 2019.
      4. ↑ John Keegan. Dating Coach. Expert Interview. 29 June 2021.
      5. ↑ https://www.mentalhealth.com/library/survival-tips-for-long-distance-relationships
      6. ↑ John Keegan. Dating Coach. Expert Interview. 29 June 2021.
      7. ↑ https://www.redbookmag.com/love-sex/relationships/a30212998/long-distance-relationship-tips/
      8. ↑ https://www.psychalive.org/keeping-the-romance-alive-in-a-long-distance-relationship/
      9. ↑ John Keegan. Dating Coach. Expert Interview. 28 September 2021.
      1. ↑ John Keegan. Dating Coach. Expert Interview. 29 June 2021.
      2. ↑ John Keegan. Dating Coach. Expert Interview. 28 September 2021.
      3. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/meet-catch-and-keep/201410/5-ways-tell-if-relationship-might-last
      4. ↑ Moshe Ratson, MFT, PCC. Marriage & Family Therapist. Expert Interview. 18 September 2019.
      5. ↑ https://www.redbookmag.com/love-sex/relationships/a30212998/long-distance-relationship-tips/
      6. ↑ John Keegan. Dating Coach. Expert Interview. 28 September 2021.
      7. ↑ John Keegan. Dating Coach. Expert Interview. 29 June 2021.
      8. ↑ https://fsap.cornell.edu/sites/fsap/files/pdfs/Long-Distance-Relationships.pdf
      9. ↑ John Keegan. Dating Coach. Expert Interview. 29 June 2021.
      10. ↑ https://psychcentral.com/lib/the-challenge-of-long-distance-relationships#2
      11. ↑ John Keegan. Dating Coach. Expert Interview. 28 September 2021.
      12. ↑ https://psychcentral.com/blog/10-tips-for-a-successful-relationship#2
      13. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/meet-catch-and-keep/201410/5-ways-tell-if-relationship-might-last
      14. ↑ https://extension.usu.edu/hru/blog/13-tips-for-making-a-long-distance-relationship-work
      15. ↑ John Keegan. Dating Coach. Expert Interview. 28 September 2021.
      16. ↑ https://fsap.cornell.edu/sites/fsap/files/pdfs/Long-Distance-Relationships.pdf
      17. ↑ https://psychcentral.com/lib/the-challenge-of-long-distance-relationships#1
      18. ↑ https://www.mentalhealth.com/library/survival-tips-for-long-distance-relationships
      19. ↑ https://behrend.psu.edu/student-life/student-services/personal-counseling/student-resources/long-distance-relationships
      20. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-mysteries-love/202201/respect-or-the-lack-thereof-in-relationships
      21. ↑ https://www.mentalhealth.com/library/survival-tips-for-long-distance-relationships
      22. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/friendship-20/201806/10-tips-make-long-distance-relationship-work
      23. ↑ Moshe Ratson, MFT, PCC. Marriage & Family Therapist. Expert Interview. 18 September 2019.

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