Why You Might Feel Like an Outsider (and How to Embrace It)

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Learn how to use these feelings to your advantage
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Feeling like you don't fit in anywhere can be lonely and isolating. The world feels so alien and, despite your best efforts, you can't seem to connect to anything. But why? If you want to learn more about this feeling and where it comes from, we can help. In this article, we'll discuss reasons why you're an outsider, and explain why this feeling may actually be a feature, not a bug. Keep reading to learn more!

Things You Should Know

You may feel like an outsider if you’re a natural introvert, or because of negative past experiences that make it difficult to connect with others. Some people believe that feeling like an outsider means you have an awakened soul and this is all part of your unique spiritual path.

Section 1 of 3:

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    • You’re a natural introvert. Introverts tend to dislike any setting with large groups of people, which naturally leads to feeling like an outsider in these situations. What’s more, introverts have limited social energy, which makes interpersonal connection hard—but not impossible. [1] If you’re an introvert, your craving for more limited social interaction might make you feel left out. But really, the key is finding those few, valuable connections. Quality over quantity.

    • You have low self-esteem or anxiety. When you think less of yourself, you also tend to think that other people have what you don’t—smarts, looks, money, etc. In this way, low self-esteem creates an emotional gap between yourself and the people around you, causing you to feel like an imposter. [2]

    • You’re in a new or negative environment. You might just be in the wrong place at the wrong time. Your school or work environment might not be suited to your learning needs or cater to your own patterns of thinking. The people around you might not be interested in the thing you’re interested in, which can be alienating. What’s more, people of color in majority-white environments, women, and people with disabilities often tend to feel like outsiders, since their surroundings too often aren’t designed to cater to them. [3]

    • Negative past experiences make you feel isolated. You might have recently gone through the death of a loved one, a breakup, or a traumatic experience that you’re still working through. As you do, you may feel lonely or think that others don’t understand your pain, making you feel out-of-place or alienated. [4]

    • You’re naturally sensitive and self-aware. A little self-awareness is good, but that self-awareness can cause problems when you start to worry too much about how others see you, too. This “external self-awareness” makes you view yourself from an outsider’s perspective, which only makes you feel alienated from yourself, as well as from others. [5]

    • You're an awakened soul on a spiritual path. Soul-searching usually begins with feeling like an outsider. You can embrace these feelings and use them as positive reinforcements in your life. Your spiritual journey has led you to this place and you can use this as a catalyst to growth and development on a soul level.
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Section 2 of 3:

Working Through Your Feelings

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    • Understand that you’re not alone. Experts estimate that about a third of Americans feel like an impostor at some point, which affects their mental well-being. [6] Many, many more likely feel disconnected from their peers, especially in this day and age.

      Realizing that you’re not alone in these feelings can ease your own sense of being an outsider. Remember, we’re all constantly seeking connection.

    • Identify the cause of your feelings. Feeling like an outsider often stems from loneliness, and there are 3 kinds of loneliness. Think about which one resonates most with you. Once you identify this, it may be easier to grapple with and understand your feelings:
      • Existential loneliness refers to feeling alone on your life path or your place in the universe.
      • Emotional loneliness is the feeling that others don’t understand your feelings.
      • Social loneliness is when you feel you don’t belong to a certain group. [7]

    • Work on accepting yourself as you are. Fostering self-acceptance helps to build both confidence and a sense of belonging. Write yourself a letter and describe yourself as though you were describing a good friend. Or, repeat affirmations to get more used to positive self-talk.
      • For example, repeat the sentence, “I’m worthy of love and respect” as you go about your day.

    • Cut toxic people out of your life. A negative environment with negative people doesn’t help your sense of belonging. Deal with toxic people by physically avoiding them, if necessary, or consulting someone with authority, like a boss, teacher, or family member. Set boundaries with toxic people to protect your own peace. [8]

    • Engage in group activities to connect with others. Human resources entrepreneur and consultant Jeffrey Fermin says, “Seek out clubs, workshops, or events in your local area that pertain to your passions and interests. Whether it's a book club, a hiking group, or a volunteer organization, being in an environment that reflects your values increases your chances of meeting like-minded people.”

    • Focus on the quality of friends, rather than quantity. It’s easy to feel like an outcast when you’re “keeping score” of how many people you connect with. For many of us, a few close friends are better than many less familiar friends. [9]

      Look at your existing relationships and work on strengthening them instead of worrying about getting close to everyone you know.

    • Get out of your comfort zone . Clinical psychologist Michael Dickerson says, “ Getting out of your comfort zone and gradually taking more social risks, such as talking to people, initiating conversations, etc. can be great exposure work for building social confidence.

      “As we engage in more social exposure, what was once uncomfortable will now seem more comfortable due to increased confidence from knowing you’re capable of being social around people.”

    • Contribute to your community to boost your sense of belonging. Marriage and family therapist Moshe Ratson says, “The more you engage in contributing, you provide value to others, that in turn helps you recover and enhances your self-esteem and confidence.”

      Consider volunteering at a food bank, animal shelter, or other non-profit to give back to those around you and feel more integrated in your community.

Section 3 of 3:

Advantages of Being an Outsider

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    • You have more freedom, without needing to conform. As an outsider, you have the power to recognize the status quo and move in your own direction. [10] This gives you the freedom to blaze your own trail and find your own way of living.

    • You have a unique perspective. Not only do you think differently, but you think more carefully and more deeply. [11] This makes your worldview and opinions nuanced, complex, and so totally “you.”

    • You’re naturally creative. Outsiders tend to spend more time in their heads than talking to other people, and this mental alone time gives you plenty of creativity. [12] Plus, your own ideas and bursts of inspiration are less often influenced by others, making your creativity unique.

    • You’re super independent. Being an outsider isn’t always easy, but it also means you’ve learned how to do things by yourself. [13] You know what you’re capable of and how to get things done on your own.

    • You’re more aware of your surroundings. An outsider is always thinking of how they do or don’t fit in. The upside to this is that you’re always analyzing the world around you, and even finding beauty in it that other people might not see. [14]

    • You’re more empathetic and understanding. As an outsider, you spend a lot of time exploring your own mind and emotions. Even as you feel disconnected, this alone time actually makes it easier for you to connect with and understand people and what they’re feeling. [15]

    • You’re more interesting as a person. Outsiders that go against the flow are intriguing to other people. They add diversity and variety to a world that’s in desperate need of just that. [16] You may not realize it, but it’s likely that the people around you find you interesting and want to know more about you, so don’t hesitate to open up !
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      References

      1. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/basics/introversion
      2. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/me-we/201403/look-closer-how-idealizing-others-lives-isolates-you
      3. ↑ https://www.mind.org.uk/information-support/tips-for-everyday-living/loneliness/about-loneliness/
      4. ↑ https://www.mind.org.uk/information-support/tips-for-everyday-living/loneliness/about-loneliness/
      5. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-clarity/201909/can-you-be-too-self-aware
      6. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/articles/199403/feel-fraud-youre-not-alone
      7. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/lifetime-connections/201907/the-3-types-loneliness-and-how-combat-them
      8. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/happiness-is-state-mind/201708/how-recognize-toxic-individuals-and-toxic-relationships
      9. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/basics/introversion
      1. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/connect-creativity/202206/the-power-outsider-thinking
      2. ↑ https://health.clevelandclinic.org/introvert-vs-extrovert/
      3. ↑ https://health.clevelandclinic.org/introvert-vs-extrovert/
      4. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-path-passionate-happiness/201806/7-reasons-celebrate-being-introvert
      5. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-path-passionate-happiness/201806/7-reasons-celebrate-being-introvert
      6. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-path-passionate-happiness/201806/7-reasons-celebrate-being-introvert
      7. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/friendly-interest/201807/why-interesting-people-dont-go-harvard

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