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Being cheated on by a partner you were supposed to trust is never easy. It can leave you with emotional wounds that you bring into your current relationship or even new ones with other people. To overcome your trust issues and heal after you’ve been cheated on, try to remember that it wasn’t your fault, practice total honesty and openness, and establish firm boundaries within your relationships. Trusting people may seem hard now, but with a little time and effort, you can learn to regain that trust and depend on other people again.
Steps
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Give yourself time to heal. [1] X Expert Source Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSW
Psychotherapist Expert Interview. 11 June 2020. Being cheated on is a serious breach of trust that you probably won’t get over very quickly. Don’t expect to bounce back from being cheated on right away. Instead, give yourself time to recover emotionally and feel your feelings. [2] X Research source- If the person who cheated on you is pushing for you to forgive them, ask them to respect your boundaries and give you time to heal.
- Reader Poll: We asked 570 wikiHow readers who've been cheated on, and 57% of them agreed the best way to practice forgiveness is by praying for their partner. [Take Poll]
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Practice self care by making time for yourself. Self care looks different for everyone. It can be taking a warm bath, reading a good book, going shopping, or watching your favorite movie. Set aside some time for yourself at least once a week to rest and recuperate as you recover from this emotional trauma. [3] X Research source
- Make sure that your self care activity is relaxing and enjoyable for you.
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Remind yourself that being cheated on wasn’t your fault. [4] X Expert Source Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSW
Psychotherapist Expert Interview. 11 June 2020. It can be easy to blame yourself when your partner cheats on you. Try to remind yourself that it was your partner’s choice alone to break the boundaries of your relationship. Even if you were having problems within your relationship, there is no excuse for cheating on someone. [5] X Research source- Remembering this takes time and effort. Don’t be discouraged if you fall into the trap of blaming yourself.
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Spend time with your friends and family. Your loved ones can make you feel better about your situation and give you some different perspectives on what you’re going through. Make time to hang out with your close friends and family. You can talk about what you are going through with them or just enjoy their company as a nice distraction. [6] X Research source
- Your friends and family may encourage you to leave your relationship once they find out you have been cheated on. If you don’t want to end your relationship, ask your loved ones to respect your decision and give you space to work on the bond between you and your partner.
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Seek help from a mental health professional if you need outside support. Some emotional trauma is too tough to deal with on your own. Friends and family can give good advice, but for a truly unbiased opinion, make an appointment with a therapist or a counselor near you. They can give you ideas on how to repair your relationship, heal your emotional wounds, and avoid having trust issues in the future. [7] X Research source
Tip: Going to therapy can also improve your self-esteem and enhance many aspects of your daily life.
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Ask your partner to practice rigorous honesty with you. The best way to regain trust is to have your partner be overly open and honest about every aspect of their daily life. [8] X Expert Source Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSW
Psychotherapist Expert Interview. 11 June 2020. Ask them to tell you about minor things that don’t have to do with your relationship, like cheating on their diet or getting a speeding ticket. Let your partner know that even though it may seem like overkill, this total openness is the only way to regain your trust. [9] X Research source- Even white lies should be out of bonds during this period of total honesty.
- Rigorous honesty is not easy and may not be enjoyable for you or your partner. However, it is the only way to establish trust in the relationship after being cheated on.
- You could present this to your partner by saying, “One way we could potentially work past this issue is if you are totally and completely honest with me all the time. This means little things, like forgetting to take the trash out, as well as things that affect our relationship. I think this could help to re-establish some trust within our relationship.”
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Request access to your partner’s phone and computer. If you are doubtful about your partner’s ability to change, you can ask them to give up their passwords to their phone, computer, or any other electronic device that they use regularly. If your partner really wants to repair your relationship, they should be understanding as to why you want to invade their privacy like this. [10] X Research source
- After you have re-established trust in your relationship, it is fine to give your partner back their privacy.
- You could ask your partner to do this by saying, “In order for me to trust you again, I think I need to be able to access your phone and computer. This won’t be a forever thing, but I’d like to be able to check up on you if I have any doubts.”
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Tell your partner to change their behaviors that led to cheating. If your partner had an affair with one particular person, you might request that they stop seeing this person all together. If they were seeking out relationships online, you might ask that they stop using social media for a while. Make sure your partner knows that cheating is not okay and that they should stop seeking out partners besides you. [11] X Research source
- You can tell your partner this by saying something like, “You were using social media inappropriately and it led to you cheating on me. I’d like you to stop using social media until we have re-established boundaries and trust within our relationship.”
Tip: Many people are hesitant to set “rules” for their partner within a relationship. Don’t consider these requests as “rules;” instead, think of them as boundaries that you are setting for a healthy relationship.
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Go to couple’s counseling for professional help. [12] X Expert Source Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSW
Psychotherapist Expert Interview. 11 June 2020. Sometimes relationships need an unbiased perspective to heal. An effective way to re-establish trust in a relationship is to go to a couple’s therapist or counselor to talk about your issues with a third party. They can give advice on how to improve your communication and work on your relationship so that cheating doesn’t happen in the future. [13] X Research source- It is important for both you and your partner to be open and honest during counseling in order for it to work.
- If your partner is hesitant to go to counseling with you, remind them that you are trying to work on re-establishing trust and you think that this could help.
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End the relationship if you don’t think you can forgive your partner. It is not fair to yourself or your partner to continue a relationship that doesn’t have a future. If you’ve tried to forgive and forget and you still find yourself holding on to hurt feelings, it may be time to end the relationship. Talk to trusted friends and do some soul-searching before you make this decision. [14] X Research source
- Every relationship is different. Only you know if you will be able to continue a relationship with your partner after they cheat on you.
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Tell yourself that there is always a small risk of being hurt by a partner. Trusting someone is never easy, especially because people aren’t perfect. Even if your partner hasn’t done anything to hurt you, there is always a small chance that they might. Learning to trust again is all about accepting that risk as you trust new people. [15] X Research source
- It can be scary to accept this risk and it may not happen all at once. Let yourself move slowly if you need to.
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Have new people prove that they are trustworthy. You don’t have to give someone the benefit of the doubt when you first meet them. Instead, let a potential relationship partner earn your trust by giving them a chance to show they are a thoughtful and caring person. Start to trust a new person when they keep the plans you make with each other and seem interested in who you are as a person. [16] X Research source
- If someone is acting sketchy early on in the relationship, you don’t have to continue it. Use your judgement.
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Establish boundaries early in the relationship. Being cheated on can leave a lot of issues surrounding social media, texting other people, and not knowing your partner’s whereabouts. If you have certain rules that you need a new partner to follow, tell them about them early on in the relationship. [17] X Research source
Tip: Your new partner may not want to adhere to your rules or they might have some boundaries of their own. Have an open and honest conversation to figure out how you two can have a relationship that makes you both feel comfortable.
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Share the reason why you find it hard to trust people. Your new partner might be wondering why you are so hesitant to trust them. The easiest way to let them know is just by being open and honest. You don’t have to give every detail, but you can tell them that you were cheated on in the past and that makes it hard to trust people sometimes. If they are a good person, they should understand where you are coming from. [18] X Research source
- Opening up to a new partner also creates a stronger bond between you two.
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Remember that new partners aren’t automatically going to cheat on you. It can be easy to enter a new relationship with the expectation that you are going to be cheated on. Try to remind yourself that most people aren’t going to cheat on you and want to be in a happy, healthy relationship. [19] X Research source
- Regaining trust in others takes time and effort. Be patient with yourself.
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Being cheated on is absolutely devastating, and it can feel impossible to move past. However, you can use this expert series to rebuild trust, move on, and even become stronger than before.
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QuestionHow can I get over being cheated on and lied to?Kelli Miller is a Psychotherapist based in Los Angeles, California. Kelli specializes in individual and couples therapy focusing on relationships, depression, anxiety, sexuality, communication, parenting, and more. She is the author of “Love Hacks: Simple Solutions to Your Most Common Relationship Issues” which details the top 15 relationship issues and 3 quick solutions to each. She is also the award-winning and best-selling author of “Thriving with ADHD”. Kelli co-hosted an advice show on LA Talk Radio and was a relationship expert for The Examiner. She received her MSW (Masters of Social Work) from the University of Pennsylvania and a BA in Sociology/Health from the University of Florida.It takes a bit of time to build up that trust again, so give yourself some space to do that. Know that it wasn't your fault that you were cheated on. Try to do things that make you feel good so you can regain some self-esteem.
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References
- ↑ Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSW. Psychotherapist. Expert Interview. 11 June 2020.
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/between-the-sheets/201812/cheating-and-getting-even
- ↑ https://blogs.psychcentral.com/nlp/2016/11/trust-issues/
- ↑ Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSW. Psychotherapist. Expert Interview. 11 June 2020.
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/fulfillment-any-age/201203/5-principles-effective-couples-therapy
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/anxiety-zen/201507/10-steps-restoring-trust-in-relationships
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/anxiety-zen/201507/10-steps-restoring-trust-in-relationships
- ↑ Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSW. Psychotherapist. Expert Interview. 11 June 2020.
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/love-and-sex-in-the-digital-age/201703/after-cheating-restoring-relationship-trust
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/love-and-sex-in-the-digital-age/201703/after-cheating-restoring-relationship-trust
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/between-the-sheets/201812/cheating-and-getting-even
- ↑ Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSW. Psychotherapist. Expert Interview. 11 June 2020.
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/anxiety-zen/201507/10-steps-restoring-trust-in-relationships
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/love-and-sex-in-the-digital-age/201703/after-cheating-restoring-relationship-trust
- ↑ https://blogs.psychcentral.com/nlp/2016/11/trust-issues/
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/friendship-20/201802/your-partner-cheated-now-what
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/friendship-20/201802/your-partner-cheated-now-what
- ↑ https://blogs.psychcentral.com/nlp/2016/11/trust-issues/
- ↑ https://blogs.psychcentral.com/nlp/2016/11/trust-issues/
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