How to Tell if Someone Is Lying About Cheating

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Confronting someone about cheating is hard enough, but how do you know if they’re telling the truth? All relationships have issues from time to time, but being cheated on can really be a big blow to your healthy partnership. That’s why we’ve compiled everything you need to know so you can figure out if your partner is lying about cheating on you.

1

They avoid eye contact with you.

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    If you’re confronting them about cheating and they only look past your shoulder or at your forehead, there’s a good chance they aren’t telling the truth. They might also shift their eyes around quickly, or even avoid facing you altogether. [1]
    • This is because they probably feel guilty or ashamed about the lies they’re telling you, and they don’t want to look at you directly while they do it.
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2

They are fidgety.

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    Fidgeting is a telltale sign of lying, because it means the person wants to get up and leave (but they can’t). If you notice that your partner is struggling to sit still, there’s a good chance that they aren’t telling the truth. [2]
    • They might also shuffle their feet or tilt their head to one side.
3

They cross their arms.

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    Take a look at your partner’s body language as you two chat: if they’re relaxed and look casual, there’s a good chance they’re telling the truth. On the other hand, if they cross their arms or hunch over, they might be lying. [3]
    • By itself, this isn’t totally a red flag, but it’s something to look out for when you two are talking.
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4

They purse their lips.

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    Pursing their lips is a way to literally close their mouth and keep themselves from talking, and it’s a classic sign of lying. Watch out for mannerisms like these right before your partner starts denying your accusations—it could mean that they don’t like what they’re saying, but they’re going to say it anyway. [4]
    • Some people will also roll their lips back until they almost disappear, which is another way of closing their mouth so they don’t have to talk yet.
5

They start sweating.

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    If you start grilling them and they get hot and uncomfortable, it probably means they’re struggling to keep up with their own lies. They might even fan themselves or go get some air, just to cool off a bit. [5]
    • Sweating is usually coupled with dry eyes and a dry mouth. If your partner starts blinking or swallowing rapidly, it means they’re having a tough time right now (and also probably lying).
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6

Their voice cracks or changes pitch.

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    You might also hear a crack in their voice, especially when they first start talking. This doesn’t always mean that they’re not telling the truth, but it’s definitely a red flag. [6]
7

They use fewer personal pronouns.

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    Not using pronouns is a way to distance themselves from the conversation and make it sound like they’re an outside bystander. They’ll probably start using vague, general words to describe where they were or what was going on. [8]
    • For example, instead of saying, “We were at the movies,” they might say, “Some people were at the movies.”
    • Or, instead of saying, “I never said that,” they might say, “Nobody said that.”
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8

They use more negative words.

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    Words like “sad,” “hurt,” “hate,” and “worthless” will crop up a lot, especially if they’re denying something you’ve said. Don’t fall for this tactic—they are trying to make you feel bad for them so that you’ll stop asking questions. [9]
    • For instance, if you accuse them of cheating on you, they might say something like, “I’m hurt you would even ask that.”
    • Or, they might say, “You probably hate me, don’t you?”
9

They lie about other things.

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    Maybe you catch them in a lie about something innocent, like what they had for lunch or which movie they watched. People who lie all the time are so used to doing it, they won’t think twice about telling a lie to cover their tracks. If your partner has a history of lying, there’s a good chance that they’re lying to you about cheating, too. [10]
    • Unfortunately, people who lie all the time usually have a hard time stopping without professional help. If your partner would like to change their ways, encourage them to go to a mental health professional.
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10

They’re secretive about their phone or computer.

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    Everyone has a right to privacy, but if your partner was totally innocent, they’d have no problem with you sneaking a peek over their shoulder at what they’re doing. [11] If your partner is all of the sudden very concerned about their devices, that’s a big red flag. [12]
    • They might also put a password on their phone or computer, even when they didn’t have one before. [13]
    • Reader Poll: We asked 433 wikiHow readers to tell us how they felt about checking their partner’s phone, and only 6% felt they didn’t need to check their phone since they trust them. [Take Poll] So, while that may not be a great strategy according to our readers, try talking to them about it.
11

You found suspicious texts or DMs.

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    If you confront your partner about these messages, they’ll probably say that it’s all a big misunderstanding, or that they’re just a friend. It’s important to trust your gut here—if they look like messages that someone in a relationship would send, it’s crossing the line into cheating territory. [14]
    • Some people keep their cheating behaviors strictly digital. If your partner has been sending risque texts or even sexts to people online, that counts as cheating, and you don’t have to put up with it.
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12

They go into work early or stay at work late.

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    They might tell you that they’re swamped with a huge project, but in reality, they’re going to spend time with someone else. A good way to catch them in this lie is to call their workplace and ask for them one day when they’re staying late. If they aren’t there and you can’t get ahold of them, you’ll know that they’re lying to you. [15]
    • If working long hours isn’t believable, they might tell you that they’re spending extra time at the gym or they have to travel for a meeting.

Expert Q&A

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  • Question
    How can you tell if someone is guilty of cheating?
    Tara Vossenkemper, PhD, LPC
    Licensed Professional Counselor
    Dr. Tara Vossenkemper is a Licensed Professional Counselor and the Founder and Managing Director of The Counseling Hub, LLC, a group counseling practice located in Columbia, Missouri. She is also the Founder of and a Business Consultant with Tara Vossenkemper Consulting, LLC, a consulting service for therapy practice owners. With over twelve years of experience, she specializes in using the Gottman Method of relationship therapy with couples on the brink of divorce, who have conflict, or who feel disconnected from one another. Dr. Vossenkemper holds a BA in Psychology from The University of Missouri, Saint Louis, an MA in Counseling from Missouri Baptist University, and a PhD in Counselor Education and Supervision from The University of Missouri, Saint Louis. She has also completed Level 3 training in the Gottman Method Couples Therapy approach and has been formally trained in both the Prepare-Enrich Premarital Couples Counseling approach and the PREP Approach for couples counseling.
    Tara Vossenkemper, PhD, LPC
    Licensed Professional Counselor
    Expert Answer
    It depends on what you define as cheating. I usually define it as when there is an element of secrecy and emotional connection and secrecy with another person outside of the relationship.That's at least an emotional affair, even though some people might not consider it cheating per se.
    Thanks! We're glad this was helpful.
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  • Question
    How do I confront my cheating partner?
    Tara Vossenkemper, PhD, LPC
    Licensed Professional Counselor
    Dr. Tara Vossenkemper is a Licensed Professional Counselor and the Founder and Managing Director of The Counseling Hub, LLC, a group counseling practice located in Columbia, Missouri. She is also the Founder of and a Business Consultant with Tara Vossenkemper Consulting, LLC, a consulting service for therapy practice owners. With over twelve years of experience, she specializes in using the Gottman Method of relationship therapy with couples on the brink of divorce, who have conflict, or who feel disconnected from one another. Dr. Vossenkemper holds a BA in Psychology from The University of Missouri, Saint Louis, an MA in Counseling from Missouri Baptist University, and a PhD in Counselor Education and Supervision from The University of Missouri, Saint Louis. She has also completed Level 3 training in the Gottman Method Couples Therapy approach and has been formally trained in both the Prepare-Enrich Premarital Couples Counseling approach and the PREP Approach for couples counseling.
    Tara Vossenkemper, PhD, LPC
    Licensed Professional Counselor
    Expert Answer
    Instead of making accusations, try phrasing the discussion avoiding "you" sentences, as they lay blame on the other person and may make them get defensive right away, which is counterproductive.
    Thanks! We're glad this was helpful.
    Thank you for your feedback.
    If wikiHow has helped you, please consider a small contribution to support us in helping more readers like you. We’re committed to providing the world with free how-to resources, and even $1 helps us in our mission. Support wikiHow
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      References

      1. ↑ https://www.urmc.rochester.edu/encyclopedia/content.aspx?contenttypeid=1&contentid=528
      2. ↑ https://time.com/5443204/signs-lying-body-language-experts/
      3. ↑ https://www.urmc.rochester.edu/encyclopedia/content.aspx?contenttypeid=1&contentid=528
      4. ↑ https://www.apa.org/monitor/julaug04/detecting
      5. ↑ https://time.com/5443204/signs-lying-body-language-experts/
      6. ↑ https://www.urmc.rochester.edu/encyclopedia/content.aspx?contenttypeid=1&contentid=528
      7. ↑ Tara Vossenkemper, PhD, LPC. Licensed Professional Counselor. Expert Interview. 18 January 2022.
      8. ↑ https://www.apa.org/monitor/julaug04/detecting
      9. ↑ https://www.apa.org/monitor/julaug04/detecting
      1. ↑ https://psychcentral.com/blog/recovering-narcissist/2018/08/5-signs-youre-dating-a-cheating-narcissist#5.-You-catch-them-chronically-lying-often-for-no-good-reason .
      2. ↑ Tara Vossenkemper, PhD, LPC. Licensed Professional Counselor. Expert Interview. 18 January 2022.
      3. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/love-and-sex-in-the-digital-age/201812/10-signs-your-spouse-is-cheating
      4. ↑ Tara Vossenkemper, PhD, LPC. Licensed Professional Counselor. Expert Interview. 18 January 2022.
      5. ↑ https://www.besthealthmag.ca/list/signs-of-infidelity/
      6. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/love-and-sex-in-the-digital-age/201812/10-signs-your-spouse-is-cheating

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