How to Move On from A Man Who Doesn’t Care About You

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Plus, learn to spot the signs that it’s time to detach
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Did you have a crush on someone who didn't like you back, or did you discover that your boyfriend didn’t care about you the way you cared about him? We know it hurts, but it won’t hurt forever, and we’re here to help. We talked to mental health experts and dating coaches to help you move on and to help you spot the signs that it’s time to leave him behind.

Best Way to Get Over a Guy Who Doesn't Care About You

Write down how you feel to get the emotions out of your head. Then, spend time with people who do love you to remind yourself you’re not alone. Indulge in some self-care and get active to take care of your body and mind while you heal.

Section 1 of 4:

Moving On from a Guy Who Doesn’t Care About You

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  1. Avoiding the experience of sadness for a loss does not help us process the emotions,” board-certified psychiatrist Kirsten Thompson says. [1] Facing your feelings is the first step toward feeling better overall. Try confiding in a trusted friend or writing down your feelings in a diary to let it all out. Regardless of how serious your relationship with the guy was, this is an important step in the grieving process.
    • Don’t pretend that it didn’t happen or act like you are unfazed by the situation. To effectively get over someone, according to psychologists, you need to recognize and admit what you are dealing with .
    • Also, practice radical acceptance, which involves forgiving him and yourself and making peace with the situation. Remind yourself that all your feelings are normal and natural.
  2. Blaming yourself will only make you feel worse. It can be easy to look at the situation and feel like there’s something wrong with yourself, but try to remember that there’s nothing wrong with you as a person. If the guy you’re having trouble getting over didn’t care about you, it just means that you two weren’t a good fit. [2]
    • It can be helpful to use affirmations to remind yourself that you are not to blame. You could say things like, “I am worthy of love,” or, “This was not my fault.”
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  3. “Use healthy distractions,” Thompson says. [3] Doing fun things on your own will make you feel good while keeping your mind off the situation. It also proves to yourself that you can be happy without him. Take yourself out for ice cream, go for a drive around town, or spend some time in nature. Being on your own can be a fun time, and you don’t need anyone else to enjoy life. [4]
    • Take note of all the things you do on your own, and the many ways in which you are independent. For example, are you financially independent? What are some skills you have that have nothing to do with him? In what ways do you take responsibility for your own happiness?
  4. Remember how awesome you are all on your own. Sit down and write out 10 things you love about yourself, no matter how small, to boost your self-esteem . It could be anything: art skills, fashion sense, kindness toward others, friendships, or being a great cook. Take a look at the list whenever you’re feeling down to pick yourself back up again. [5]
    • Feeling rejected can lower your self-esteem, and this exercise is designed to help you remember what a catch you are.
    • Sometimes it can be helpful to ask a good friend for their input. We sometimes have a hard time recognizing positives in ourselves.
  5. Time really is the best medicine. Although you may feel frustrated that it’s taking time to get over someone, avoid being hard on yourself. If you try to force yourself to move on quickly, you might make yourself feel even worse. [6]
    • Even if you were not in an official relationship, you have lost someone who you thought was important to you. As a result, you need to give yourself time to recover without feeling like you should be making more progress.
  6. “Cut off all contact with the person indefinitely,” Thompson recommends. [7] Don’t remind yourself of what he put you through. To speed up your recovery, it's a good idea to keep your interactions with the guy to a minimum to help yourself detach . You don’t have to avoid the person at all costs and it may not be realistic to cut him out of your life, but you should do what is needed to help you feel better. [8]
    • This might mean spending time in new places or hanging out with different friends if you travel in the same circles. You may also want to block him on social media accounts or delete contacts in your phone.
    EXPERT TIP

    Kirsten Thompson, MD

    Board Certified Psychiatrist
    Dr. Kirsten Thompson is a Board Certified Psychiatrist, Clinical Instructor at UCLA, and the Founder of Remedy Psychiatry. She specializes in helping patients with mental health conditions such as major depressive disorder, anxiety, ADHD, bipolar disorder, OCD, PTSD, and postpartum depression. Dr. Thompson holds a BS in Operations Research Industrial Engineering from Cornell University and an MD from The State University of New York, Downstate College of Medicine.
    Kirsten Thompson, MD
    Board Certified Psychiatrist

    Avoid overanalyzing specific moments of the relationship. This is an expensive waste of your time and energy, which almost never results in any feelings of closure and will likely leave you with more confusion.

  7. Thompson tells us that digging up old memories “doesn’t allow your mind and body to adapt to a life where they are not involved.” [9] It might seem painful, but it’s a good way to move on. If your camera roll is full of pics of the two of you, it might be time to clear it out. Consider putting them on a USB drive and keeping them in a drawer if you don’t want to delete them. [10]
    • The same goes for any pictures or belongings you have of him hanging around your home. If you don’t want to get rid of them completely, compile them all and put them in a box or a drawer in your closet.
  8. “Move your body by walking, yoga, pilates, etc. at least 30 minutes every day, which releases the endorphins,” licensed clinical psychologist Susan Pazak suggests. [11] Endorphins are brain chemicals that relieve pain and boost your mood, so they’re a huge help. Although working out may be the last thing you want to do when you are feeling down, research shows that exercise can help you feel less depressed and more confident. Try going for a run, or going swimming or biking. [12]
    • Exercising also gives you a sense of control and power over your situation. Imagine that you are taking charge of your life in the same way you are taking charge of your physical activity.
  9. Pazak says it’s important to “surround yourself with people who love and support you.” [13] Spend time with those who love you the most. If you don’t feel up to doing much, invite a few friends over to hang out and watch movies. Or, go out and get food and drinks somewhere. Isolating yourself will only make you feel worse, so it’s important to lean on your support network. [14]
    • Your family members can be helpful, too. Reach out to your parents, siblings, or anyone else you’re close with for some advice and comfort.
  10. Take your mind off your troubles by trying new things. Go out to dinner, see a movie, plan a trip, or take a spa day. Try out a new hobby that you’ve always wanted to try, whether you’re with your friends or on your own. [15]
    • If you’re having trouble taking your mind off things, bring a friend or two along. They can help distract you from your thoughts so you can actually have a good time.
  11. 11
    Give yourself a routine. Pazak also suggests that you “have a routine of activities that you enjoy doing most days every day.” [16] Get into a rhythm and a groove. When you know what you’re doing next each moment, your mind is less likely to wander and land on thoughts of him. A routine gives you stability and clarity in how you live your life.
    • It doesn’t have to be anything complex. Just focus on getting 3 meals a day, and filling the time in between with 2 or 3 regular activities, like reading, studying, exercising—anything you enjoy doing.
  12. “Limit conversations about the ex except for productive conversations with a psychologist, counselor or coach,” Pazak recommends. [17] Seeing a professional can help you work through your feelings in a healthy way. Mental health professionals are trained to guide people through the grieving process and help them move forward with their lives and future relationships. [18]
    • If you are depressed and having a hard time getting past the guy who doesn’t care about you, a trained mental-health professional may be able to recommend therapy options, support-group meetings, or even medicine that can help you feel better.
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Section 2 of 4:

Signs He Doesn’t Care About You

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  1. 1
    He doesn’t show up for you when you need him. Dating coach John Keegan says that showing up is crucial in a loving relationship. [19] “Showing up” means he’s there for you in your big and small moments. Maybe he helps out when you’re stressed, or comes to your big events. But if he can’t be bothered to care when you’re in trouble, or when you’re celebrating, the connection might not be there.
    • Remember that he has his own life, too. It’s one thing to miss a big day because he had his own big things happening; it’s another to shrug off a big day because he just didn’t feel like it.
  2. 2
    He always chooses his friends over you. Keegan says to beware if “he'd rather be with his friends” than spend time with you. [20] It might mean that he doesn’t value your time together, or at least that he values his other connections over yours. If he can’t be bothered to be 1-on-1, then he’s not the one.
    • Again, remember that he deserves his own space and his own connections. Just spending time with his friends isn’t a red flag, but always choosing his friends over you is.
  3. 3
    He doesn’t want to meet your friends or family. A guy should want to get to know your social circle, Keegan says. [21] Your friends and family are part of your life, and he should want to get to know that life and feel comfortable in it. If he declines invites to hang out with your social circle, then he’s probably not interested in a deeper, longer connection.
    • At the same time, you should want to get to know his social circle, too.
  4. 4
    He avoids making long-term plans. When you talk about relationship stuff, like where you see yourself in 5 years, or moving in together, or being steady, and he gets shifty, that’s a red flag, Keegan tells us. [22] It usually means he’s not ready to commit to the relationship, and might not be as into it as you are.
    • Keep in mind that this is totally natural for new relationships or crushes. But if you’ve been seeing each other for a long time and he still can’t commit, he might never.
  5. 5
    He doesn’t open up to you. Someone who’s into you, especially a boyfriend, wants to get to know the deepest parts of you, and wants you to know the deepest parts of themself. But Keegan warns that if he starts to “pull away,” it could mean that he’s not invested. [23] That emotional investment is an anchor, and he’s pulling up his anchor and getting ready to sail away.
    • Of course, it takes time for a lot of people to open up. If you just met recently, or just fell into a relationship, expect a warming-up period before he shares the deepest parts of himself.
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Section 3 of 4:

Why is it so hard to move on?

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  1. It’s hard to move on from someone you’ve emotionally invested in. Even if you weren’t dating very long, or never formally dated at all, you still envisioned a life together. There was hope that you’d get what you wanted, and hope is a hard thing to squash. [24] The key is shifting that hope to someone who’s better for you, and more available, so that you can fulfill it and get the relationship you deserve.
    • Part of that may be a lack of closure. If you haven’t had a definitive ending, sometimes your brain has a hard time processing that things are, in fact, over. You’ll heal in time, but it will take time.
    • The key is to allow yourself to grieve and open up to new people when you’re ready. They’ll show you that there’s more to life than the one who got away.
Section 4 of 4:

How long does it take to get over someone?

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  1. Divide the time you were close to them by 2. There’s no one-size-fits-all answer for this. For the most part, it depends on how close you were. Some gurus say it’s how long you cared about them divided by 2. But if you’re good to yourself, it’ll be even shorter. [25]
    • For example, if you only dated for a couple months, you might get over him quickly. But if that was an intense and passionate couple months, it could take longer.
    • Also, even if you didn’t date, if you had your eyes on him for a long while, it could take a long while to heal.
    • On the flipside, breakups from longer relationships usually take longer to heal.
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Get Over Your Crush with this Expert Series

Crushing over someone you can't have is both draining and distracting. Learn how to move past these feelings and take back control of your life with this expert series.
1
Stop Being in Love With a Person You'll Never Meet
2
Effective Ways to Get Over Someone You Love
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How to Get Over Someone You Can't Have or Never Dated
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Stop Loving the Girl of Your Dreams
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Stop Liking Someone
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Overcome an Infatuation

Expert Q&A

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  • Question
    How do I move on from an ex?
    Chloe Carmichael, PhD
    Clinical Psychologist, Author of Dr. Chloe's 10 Commandments of Dating
    Chloe Carmichael, PhD is a Licensed Clinical Psychologist who runs a private practice in New York City. With over 12 years of psychological consulting experience, Dr. Chloe specializes in relationship issues, stress management, self-esteem, and career coaching. She has also instructed undergraduate courses at Long Island University and has served as adjunct faculty at the City University of New York. Dr. Chloe completed her PhD in Clinical Psychology at Long Island University in Brooklyn, New York, and her clinical training at Lenox Hill Hospital and Kings County Hospital. She is accredited by the American Psychological Association and is the author of “Nervous Energy: Harness the Power of Your Anxiety” and “Dr. Chloe's 10 Commandments of Dating.”
    Chloe Carmichael, PhD
    Clinical Psychologist, Author of Dr. Chloe's 10 Commandments of Dating
    Expert Answer
    I would recommend making a list of the top 10 problems you had in the relationship. If you're having trouble remembering anything bad, try asking a friend for help. They'll be able to give you some perspective. While it may be hard, realizing why you broke up will help you heal and move on with your life.
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      • If you're tempted to contact him, turn off your phone for a couple of hours each day. Or, distract yourself by hanging out with your friends or doing a fun activity.
      • Think about his quirks, flaws, or little things he did that annoyed you. Seeing him as a whole person can help you stop idealizing him and get over him.
      • If you're religious, try praying or meditating. Praying helped me feel better and get over the guy.
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      Warnings

      • If you are depressed and thinking about hurting yourself, seek help as soon as possible so you can feel better. You can contact the 988 Suicide and Crisis Lifeline by calling or texting 988 if you're in the United States or Canada. If you're outside of the United States or Canada, please call your country's suicide prevention helpline for assistance.
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      • Avoid self-destructive behaviors such as drugs, drinking, and rebound sex. These are not effective ways to get over someone, and they can cause more problems. [26]
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      References

      1. ↑ Kirsten Thompson, MD. Board Certified Psychiatrist. Expert Interview. 1 October 2021.
      2. ↑ https://www.girlshealth.gov/relationships/dating/breaking_up.html
      3. ↑ Kirsten Thompson, MD. Board Certified Psychiatrist. Expert Interview. 1 October 2021.
      4. ↑ https://www.girlshealth.gov/relationships/dating/breaking_up.html
      5. ↑ https://psychcentral.com/blog/10-tips-to-mend-a-broken-heart#2
      6. ↑ https://www.helpguide.org/articles/grief/dealing-with-a-breakup-or-divorce.htm
      7. ↑ Kirsten Thompson, MD. Board Certified Psychiatrist. Expert Interview. 1 October 2021.
      8. ↑ https://www.bbc.co.uk/bbcthree/article/996edc30-d6e9-480b-b4a8-15b626f0aa76
      9. ↑ Kirsten Thompson, MD. Board Certified Psychiatrist. Expert Interview. 1 October 2021.
      1. ↑ https://www.bbc.co.uk/bbcthree/article/996edc30-d6e9-480b-b4a8-15b626f0aa76
      2. ↑ Susan Pazak, PhD. Licensed Clinical Psychologist & Professional Life Coach. Expert Interview. 22 February 2022.
      3. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/i-hear-you/201804/six-psychological-strategies-getting-over-bad-breakup
      4. ↑ Susan Pazak, PhD. Licensed Clinical Psychologist & Professional Life Coach. Expert Interview. 22 February 2022.
      5. ↑ https://www.helpguide.org/articles/grief/dealing-with-a-breakup-or-divorce.htm
      6. ↑ https://www.girlshealth.gov/relationships/dating/breaking_up.html
      7. ↑ Susan Pazak, PhD. Licensed Clinical Psychologist & Professional Life Coach. Expert Interview. 22 February 2022.
      8. ↑ Susan Pazak, PhD. Licensed Clinical Psychologist & Professional Life Coach. Expert Interview. 22 February 2022.
      9. ↑ https://www.mhanational.org/separation-and-divorce
      10. ↑ John Keegan. Dating Coach. Expert Interview. 5 November 2019.
      11. ↑ John Keegan. Dating Coach. Expert Interview. 5 November 2019.
      12. ↑ John Keegan. Dating Coach. Expert Interview. 5 November 2019.
      13. ↑ John Keegan. Dating Coach. Expert Interview. 5 November 2019.
      14. ↑ John Keegan. Dating Coach. Expert Interview. 5 November 2019.
      15. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/mindful-dating/202112/10-reasons-its-so-hard-move-some-breakups
      16. ↑ https://www.vice.com/en/article/breakup-equation-time-it-takes-to-get-over-an-ex/
      17. ↑ https://www.helpguide.org/articles/grief/dealing-with-a-breakup-or-divorce.htm

      About This Article

      Article Summary X

      it can be hurtful to learn that a guy you liked doesn’t care about you, but by addressing your feelings, enjoying your independence, and getting support from friends, you can get over him. Write your feelings about the guy down in a private journal or simply take some time to think about them, since you won’t be able to move on until you’ve acknowledged how you feel. Try to come up with a list of positive things about yourself, like things you’ve achieved or good character traits you have, as this will help boost your self-esteem. Make time each day for activities you enjoy doing alone, like reading or taking a bath. Reach out to friends and family members to plan fun activities together, since having a good social life with those close to you will help you move on. For tips on how to stay optimistic about the future after someone has rejected you, read on!

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