The way a child is raised can have a ripple effect, altering the person they become later on. Maybe your parents weren’t just “strict” or “relaxed.” Maybe they were actually actively shaping you into who you are today, from your attachment style to your emotional regulation.
And if that’s true, how can we trace our adult behaviors back to a time in childhood? To satisfy that curiosity, we’ll dive into the psychological deep end and go on a journey of self-reflection. On the other end, you’ll have a more developed sense of self and tools that can help you grow as a person. To learn more, click “Start Quiz.”
Questions Overview
- “My parents were super strict.”
- “My parents were chill. They let me do whatever I wanted.”
- “My parents weren’t really around that much.”
- “My parents and I had a normal relationship. We were pretty close.”
- Nervous—sometimes suffocated. I felt like I was walking on eggshells.
- Relaxed. I had a lot of freedom, but sometimes I’d feel bored, like something important was missing.
- Stressed and exhausted. I sort of feel like I’ve always been an adult and I skipped childhood.
- Normal, I guess. Sometimes I was up, sometimes I was down, but I always felt safe.
- Patience and understanding
- Praise and boundaries
- Attention and love
- Nothing big (I would want just little things, like more dessert or a better cellphone.)
- Severe punishment. Even if there was another side to the story, my parents wouldn’t listen.
- Honestly, probably nothing. My parents tried to avoid conflict whenever possible.
- My parents were inconsistent. They probably wouldn’t notice, but if they did, they might randomly choose a major punishment.
- We’d talk it through together, then I’d face consequences. They’d probably ask me why I made the choice I did.
- I definitely wouldn’t tell them. They wouldn’t listen anyway, and they might even get angry with me.
- If I explained my feelings, they’d try to distract me or change the subject. So I probably wouldn’t bother.
- Who cares? I was always upset with them, but I knew I had to deal with that myself.
- I would talk it through calmly, and they would listen. We did a good job of hearing each other out.
- Yes. It was like one day, I snapped. I had to break free.
- A little, because I wanted to get a reaction from my parents.
- No. That would only hurt me, and I had bigger things to worry about.
- I think all teens rebel a little (including me!), but I didn’t do anything too unusual.
- I can be a little shy. I think it’s because I have low self-esteem.
- I can be a little selfish, and I sometimes struggle with boundaries.
- I have trouble trusting people, which makes it hard to get close.
- I don’t think I have any major issues.
- Most of the time, yes. But I have this feeling that with too much pressure, I’ll burst…
- No. I struggle to control my behaviors. I sometimes eat too much, watch too much TV, you name it.
- I guess so. But that came from necessity—I had to learn how to take care of myself at a young age.
- I struggle a little (like anyone), but for the most part, I think I have solid self-control.
- Not always. I struggle with angry, anxious feelings at times.
- I have bad habits that I can’t seem to break, and as a result, I struggle with sad, hopeless feelings.
- Yes and no. I feel like my emotions go up and down, but I usually find a way to avoid acting on them.
- I think I probably have above-average emotional control.
- No. I usually feel a lot of anxiety around big decisions.
- I’m able to make big decisions, but I don’t always think them through.
- Yes. I learned how to be decisive at a young age.
- Like everyone, I struggle sometimes. But for the most part, I’m a strong decision-maker.
- My parents basically expected perfection from me. There was no room for mistakes.
- My parents didn’t have any expectations of me. Whether I earned A’s or D’s, their reaction was the same.
- My parents didn’t have expectations for me, and they also weren’t really around. I don’t feel like I knew them well.
- My parents punished me, praised me, and communicated openly with me.
- Told you to buck up and go to school anyway. The test is most important.
- Said, “Okay, no worries!” without checking your temperature.
- In all likelihood, they wouldn’t have heard about it, so you would have called the school yourself.
- Checked your temperature, asked about your symptoms, called into the school, and brought you to the doctor.
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Parenting Styles: A Guide Backed By Psychology
A parent’s job is to guide their children through the ups and downs of adolescence. With a little luck (and effective child-rearing!), kids can grow into independent, confident, responsible, and empathetic individuals.
But when a parent’s “style” has the opposite effect, experts might call it “negative.” This is when, sometimes despite a parent’s best efforts, their children’s behavior, emotions, or personal growth are negatively affected by their actions. Below, we’ll go through the three main types of parenting styles, signs that you experienced this parenting type, and the negative effects that can have long-term. Let’s get started.
Authoritarian parenting. These parents are excessively strict with their children. They might expect perfection, and answer mistakes with a strong, negative reaction. They might be overly involved in a child’s life in every way, allowing for very little freedom or agency. In this dynamic, communication is weak. The parent outlines restrictions and expectations but doesn’t receive their child’s questions, concerns, or complaints. In general, they might appear apathetic to their child’s emotional experience, but claim to be taking a “tough love” stance. These parents are inflexible, controlling, and domineering, which affects their children’s behavior in the long term. Specifically, kids with authoritarian parents are more likely to:
- Have low self-esteem
- Struggle with aggression and pent-up anger
- Experience shyness and social limitations
- Struggle to make their own decisions
Permissive parenting. These parental relationships seem to be all sunshine on the surface, and in a way they are—typically, parents are loving, warm, and nurturing. But permissive parents will avoid enforcing boundaries and punishments that children need in order to mature. When a rule is broken, they’re unlikely to react appropriately. They rarely limit their children’s behaviors, from desserts to social media to bedtimes. In this case, children enjoy too much freedom. Not only can these kids fail to develop healthy routines and habits, but they might also lose faith in forms of external validation. Early on, these kids realize that good and bad behaviors are treated equally, which makes success less exciting and failure more comfortable. Here, lines of communication are open, but they’re dishonest. Parents might be more focused on keeping their child happy than on maintaining a genuine dialogue. These kids are more likely to:
- Moderate self-esteem and social abilities
- Struggle with self-regulation down the line
- Struggle to be thoughtful about decisions, instead relying on impulsivity
- Act selfishly or demanding
- Have difficulty breaking unhealthy patterns, like with substances
Neglectful parenting. Neglectful parents are absent parents, either physically or emotionally. They might provide the basic necessities for their children, but they don’t offer much beyond that. For children living under their roof, these parents fail to provide a feeling of safety. Healthy, open lines of communication are not maintained. Praise and nurturance required to support a loving dynamic aren’t offered. Punishments are rare, or inconsistent. These children are left to fend for themselves, which means that they lose precious childhood years to stress, exhaustion, and loneliness. These kids are more likely to gain useful life skills out of necessity, but still, they sometimes go on to struggle in life. Specifically, they might:
- Struggle with extreme emotions
- Have difficulty forming close bonds due to trust issues
- Develop unhealthy coping mechanisms
- Face academic challenges
- Be more resilient
- Be more self-sufficient
Want to learn more?
For more information about parenting styles and child-rearing, check out these authoritative, fascinating guides.
Reader Success Stories
- "It kind of describes it in exaggeration, making my parents look kind of evil, but it was actually kind of really realistic. It was great." ..." more
