How to Not Be a Loser: Actionable Ways to Change Your Mindset

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Life coaches and therapists share how to present your best self

Co-authored by Erin Conlon, PCC, JD

Last Updated: July 23, 2025 References

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Nobody likes feeling like a loser. Luckily, with just a little time and energy, you can break free from this mindset and start believing in yourself again. Keep reading to learn 17 ways to be the best version of yourself by staying positive, finding self-confidence, and focusing on skills and hobbies that help you feel fulfilled. We also spoke to experts, including life coaches, authors, therapists, and clinical psychologists, about what steps you can take to feel like a winner.

How do I stop being a loser?

Clinical therapist Rebecca Tenzer, MAT, MA, LCSW, CCTP, CGCS, CCATP, CCFP, advises staying true to your interests to draw people in with your confidence, rather than conforming to others’ idea of “cool.” Avoid comparing yourself to others and focus on improving your self-confidence, conversation skills, and positivity.

1

Be self-confident.

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Many who view themselves as losers can discover how to be confident . Author Kamal Ravikant agrees that “the best way to build up self-confidence is to make commitments to yourself and keep them because you start to become a person who can count on themselves. Doing that is fundamental for self-confidence.” ^{[1]
X
Expert Source

Kamal Ravikant
Author, Love Yourself Like Your Life Depends On It

Expert Interview} Below are a few other ways you can help improve your self-confidence:
- Spend a few minutes imagining yourself having a great time in a social situation. Imagine what you're saying and what you're doing—then use this as a guide.
- View social failures as instances in which you learned a lesson.
- Don't give yourself time to dwell on what could go wrong. Ask yourself, "What's the worst that could happen?" In most situations, the answer is, "Not much."
Meet the wikiHow Experts

Leah Morris is a life and relationship transition coach with over 6 years of experience guiding people as they move through life transitions.

Kamal Ravikant is a bestselling author of Love Yourself Like Your Life Depends On It and is passionate about sharing the importance of loving yourself.

Jennifer Guttman, PsyD , is a cognitive behavioral therapist and clinical psychologist specializing in behavioral disorders stemming from anxiety, depression, stress, attention deficit, and phobias.

Catherine Boswell, PhD , is a licensed psychologist with over 15 years of experience treating individuals and groups struggling with trauma, relationships, grief, and chronic pain.

Rebecca Tenzer, MAT, MA, LCSW, CCTP, CGCS, CCATP, CCFP , is a clinical therapist with over 18 years of experience treating depression, anxiety, panic, trauma, grief, and interpersonal relationships with evidence-based practices.

2

Work on your conversation skills.

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Ask people about themselves in a social situation. It shows that you're interested in what they have to say and keeps the conversation active and interesting. Practice active listening by adding short acknowledgements like "oh,” "uh-huh," and "yeah,” to show that you're listening without interrupting. ^{[2]
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Trustworthy Source
Association for Psychological Science
Nonprofit organization devoted promoting trustworthy research and education in the psychological sciences
Go to source}
- Though it can be tempting to pry for personal details, try to limit your questions to pleasantries until you become familiar with someone. For instance, if you've just met a stranger at a party, you'll want to ask questions along the lines of, "Where are you from?” "What did you study?” and "Have you seen this movie that just came out?”

3

Practice being positive.

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Keep your thoughts positive by thinking about what could go right. Focus on the people you may meet, the good impressions you might make, and the fun you could have. Life coach Leah Morris suggests that “it's important to be able to look at negative situations with a curious mindset and ask, ‘What needs to change here? How can I start taking steps in a different direction?’ ‘What lesson can I gain from this at the end of the day?’ It’s all about knowing you can handle negative situations when they come up.” ^{[3]
X
Expert Source

Leah Morris
Life Coach

Expert Interview}
- Licensed Clinical Psychologist Jennifer Guttman, PsyD, adds that daily affirmations are one way to practice positivity. They “remind you not to fall into a negativity bias about yourself and your actions. Self-affirmations are statements you make about yourself that demonstrate pride in your ability or actions. Use the affirmations to balance your view of yourself and to help you build evidence of successes and, in turn, build confidence.” ^{[4]
  X
  Expert Source
  
  Jennifer Guttman, PsyD
  Licensed Clinical Psychologist
  
  Expert Interview}

4

Be authentic.

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It’s not necessary to pretend you’re someone else to fit in. As long as you remain polite and friendly, you don't have to agree with everything other people think or say. Avoid trying to fake any sort of interactions you have with people—being genuine is always your best bet. Clinical therapist Rebecca Tenzer, MAT, MA, LCSW, CCTP, CGCS, CCATP, CCFP, emphasizes how much “authenticity is attractive. Be true to yourself and your interests, rather than trying to conform to someone else's idea of coolness. People are drawn to individuals who are confident in their own skin.” ^{[5]
X
Expert Source

Rebecca Tenzer, MAT, MA, LCSW, CCTP, CGCS, CCATP, CCFP
Clinical Therapist & Adjunct Professor

Expert Interview}
- Look the way you want to look. While you can pay attention to personal hygiene and grooming, focus on trying to dress in ways that help you feel confident.
- Tenzer adds that “being well-groomed and confident in your appearance can boost your self-esteem.” ^{[6]
  X
  Expert Source
  
  Rebecca Tenzer, MAT, MA, LCSW, CCTP, CGCS, CCATP, CCFP
  Clinical Therapist & Adjunct Professor
  
  Expert Interview}

5

Avoid comparing yourself to other people.

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Remember that other people struggle with self-confidence too. They have hopes, dreams, fears, flaws, and everything in between, so don't get caught up thinking that they're perfect. This is especially important when you’re feeling like a loser. Licensed psychologist Catherine Boswell, PhD, suggests that you “notice the storyline or narrative that contributes to the notion of being a failure. Is it really about who you are here-and-now, or is it an old and potentially inaccurate story? Write down your strengths and successes so you can review them frequently. It takes extra time and focus to begin changing your perceptions.” ^{[7]
X
Expert Source

Catherine Boswell, PhD
Licensed Psychologist

Expert Interview}
- Keep in mind that, no matter how cool and collected someone seems, they still have to put on their pants in the morning one leg at a time. If someone seems intimidating to you, it can help to think about them in a less serious context (e.g., in their underwear, shopping for socks, watching TV with a bowl of chips on their stomach, etc.).

6

Stay relaxed.

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Remaining calm is one of the smartest choices you can make. Finding ways to relax makes almost everything about interacting with other people easier. If you have personal techniques or habits that you use to relax, applying these before a social situation that has you stressed out can be tremendously helpful.
- Some common techniques can help most people relax. For instance, many people find that spending a few minutes meditating can make it much easier to relax. For others, exercising or listening to calming music may be the key.
- It’s also possible to relax more by focusing on self-love. Ravikant believes that “if you make a practice of self-love for a year, a month, or a few weeks, you will see the results. It gives you something to do that's practical, which can remove the darkness by turning on the light.” ^{[8]
  X
  Expert Source
  
  Kamal Ravikant
  Author, Love Yourself Like Your Life Depends On It
  
  Expert Interview}

7

Value yourself.

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When you genuinely value who you are, people around you notice. Begin by thinking of all of the good things about yourself, but don’t stop there. “Knowing yourself means not only knowing the happy parts, but also ones where you get angry, frustrated, or feel like you're retracting in life. Acknowledge them all by saying ‘I know you fully.’ Knowing yourself fully and finding acceptance can build confidence and trust,” notes Morris. ^{[9]
X
Expert Source

Leah Morris
Life Coach

Expert Interview} Understanding yourself fully also makes it so much easier to love yourself, and so much harder to pay any attention to people who may try to put you down. ^{[10]
X
Trustworthy Source
National Alliance on Mental Illness
Grassroots mental health-focused organization providing resources, support, and education for those affected by mental illness
Go to source}
- If you're having trouble finding value in yourself, try the following exercise: Take a piece of paper and draw a vertical line down the middle. At the top of one side, write "pros,” and at the top of the other, write "cons.” Write your positive and negative attributes in the appropriate columns. For each "con" you write, try to write two "pros.” When you've filled your "pros" column, stop and review what you've written down.

8

Devote time to hobbies and interests.

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People who spend time doing what they love feel successful. The fun and self-satisfaction you get from indulging new skills, hobbies, and interests is great for building confidence and increasing your sense of self-worth. If you're not already doing so, try to spend a little time every day or week doing something positive and fun that you love. If you find hobbies to enjoy with other people, even better.
- Focus on hobbies when your work or school situation isn't ideal. It can be hard to find a new job that you love or a new group of friends at school, but it's easy to spend a little time practicing piano every evening if you love music.
- Try to focus on skill-based activities that you can improve at over time. While watching TV and playing video games can be fun, they don't usually offer any serious potential for self-improvement.
- Tenzer notes that pursuing your interests and passions passionately can make a difference in how you feel about yourself. “Whether it’s a hobby, sport, art, or music, being enthusiastic about something can make you more interesting and attractive to others who share your interests.” ^{[11]
  X
  Expert Source
  
  Rebecca Tenzer, MAT, MA, LCSW, CCTP, CGCS, CCATP, CCFP
  Clinical Therapist & Adjunct Professor
  
  Expert Interview}

9

Take pride in your physical appearance.

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The way you look can affect the way you view yourself. Exercise releases chemicals called endorphins in the brain, which can help you feel upbeat. Devoting time and energy to fitness can also help you feel more relaxed, confident, and energetic. Additionally, exercise is known to help treat depression. These qualities all make exercise a great option for people looking to increase their overall mood. ^{[12]
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Research source}
- Though everyone's fitness needs are different, adults should aim for about 1¼ to 2½ hours of cardio exercise per week (depending on intensity) in addition to strength-training exercise on 2 or more days each week. ^{[13]
  X
  Trustworthy Source
  Centers for Disease Control and Prevention
  Main public health institute for the US, run by the Dept. of Health and Human Services
  Go to source}

10

Focus on your work.

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It's easy to feel good when you're hitting your professional goals. Apply yourself when you tackle work or school responsibilities. Not only can this help you gain a better self-image, but it can also lead to promotions and good grades, which can increase your sense of self-worth. You don't have to obsess to feel satisfied with yourself, but instead make a habit of working hard and doing a great job at whatever you do.
- If you've recently lost your job, don't be ashamed—simply work hard to find another, better position.
- Beware of people who encourage you to neglect your work or school in favor of short-term fun. While a little recreational activity is always a great idea, someone who consistently abandons their responsibilities for cheap thrills is the very definition of a loser.

11

Take responsibility for your actions.

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Embracing accountability is a step towards being a successful person. Own the choices you’ve made in life, whether personal or professional, while not completely dwelling on the past or beating yourself up over it. Think about what impact you made or didn’t make on other people and decide to learn and grow from every success or apparent failure you’ve gone through. ^{[14]
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Research source}
- Avoid seeing yourself as a victim—making excuses for your behavior doesn’t help you improve as a person. Only by recognizing your actions and taking responsibility for yourself can you make the all-important first step to learning how to not be a loser.

12

Make a plan for your future.

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Thinking about long-term plans gives you something to look forward to. If you're working, don't put off saving for retirement—you'll never regret learning how to save money at an early age, even if you can only afford to put away a little at first. If you're in school, spend a little time thinking about your plans for continuing education or employment. Ask yourself, "Will I proceed to the next level of education when I'm done with school, or will I start looking for a job?" ^{[15]
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Research source}
- If you know the answer to either of these 2 questions, start looking for jobs or schools you might like. It's never too early to start planning for future success so you truly feel as if you’re winning at life . Plus, you can always change your plans if you start to feel differently.
- Morris maintains that, “Once you’ve found space for improvement, you can focus on the different skills, experiences, and habits that need to be formed.” It’s also important to remember that “there are also a lot of obstacles, including self-sabotaging behaviors, fears, and limiting beliefs that need to be removed before you can get to where you want to go and not feel like you’re in a rut anymore.” ^{[16]
  X
  Expert Source
  
  Leah Morris
  Life Coach
  
  Expert Interview}

13

Ignore what others think about you.

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Life's too short to worry about how people perceive you. If someone makes you feel bad about yourself with things they say, don’t accept it—instead, let them know how their comments make you feel. Saying something like, "Hey, knock it off. Quit being a jerk!" is usually enough to let most people know that you don't appreciate their negativity. If they won't change, don’t hang out with them anymore. You shouldn't feel obligated to spend time with people you don’t like.
- Without giving too much weight to the negative comments of others, don’t disregard the constructive advice of other people entirely. If someone you know and respect expresses their concern about you, listen to them. It might be unwarranted, but it may be illuminating—the only way you'll know is to listen.

14

Surround yourself with people who inspire you.

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The people you hang out with can shape you. They can change your priorities, introduce you to people and things you wouldn't otherwise have encountered, and generally make your life richer. Spending a lot of time hanging out with people without goals or hobbies, who have negative attitudes about life, can distort your view of what's important. Don't be afraid to limit the amount of time you spend with these people until you get your own life in order. If you're unsure, look for these unhelpful attitudes in those you spend time with: ^{[17]
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Research source}
- Negative self-image (e.g., comments like, "Why can't I do anything right?")
- Negative views of you (e.g., comments like, "Ugh, you again")
- A lack of personal hobbies or interests
- Hobbies and interests solely related to drug use or drinking ("slacker" activities, etc.)
- An inactive lifestyle (e.g., lots of time spent on the couch watching TV, etc.)
- A lack of goals or personal direction

15

Make an effort to meet new people.

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Venture out into the world to meet people you don't already know. You don't have to do this on your own—if you can convince your friends to tag along, you'll have someone to talk to even if you don't meet anyone new. Get creative—going out to bars, social clubs, and parties is one way, while it’s also possible to host a book club or a rock-climbing outing.
- If you're not having luck meeting people in the places and situations you're used to, keep trying new places and activities until you do start running into new people.
- Be direct if you’re interested in someone as a friend or romantic partner. For example, saying something like, "Hey, you should come with us the next time we go bowling," is a low-pressure way to extend the offer to hang out in the future.
- Being a thoughtful person can help you connect with others, too. Do this by “offering your assistance when someone needs it. Helping others fosters goodwill and strengthens social bonds,” mentions Tenzer. ^{[18]
  X
  Expert Source
  
  Rebecca Tenzer, MAT, MA, LCSW, CCTP, CGCS, CCATP, CCFP
  Clinical Therapist & Adjunct Professor
  
  Expert Interview}

16

Stop trying so hard.

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If someone doesn't want to talk to you or hang out with you, that's fine—simply change the topic of conversation or walk away. To avoid feeling rejected, don’t immediately invest yourself completely in other people. This way, if you get a "no," it's not a big deal; you always have other options. ^{[19]
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Research source}

17

Go on dates to have a good time.

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There's no need to overthink things when you ask someone out. Take any pressure off of yourself by having a plan beforehand— asking someone out without having any specific activities in mind might make you feel or act awkward. Below are just a few ideas for great first dates:
- Go hiking in a scenic location (or try geocaching ).
- Create an art project together (e.g., paint, make pottery, etc.).
- Pick fruit in the wilderness or an orchard.
- Go to the beach.
- Play a competitive sport (e.g., try paintball or laser tag ).

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What if everyone at my school dislikes who I am? Should I change myself then?

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The people in school will not be in your life forever so even if they dislike you, remember that it's temporary. The only reason you should change is if people dislike you because you are harming others (you're a bully, rude, a gossip, etc.).

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I am not good at anything. How can I change my personality?

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You don't have to change your personality to develop a talent. Join a friend who has a hobby or activity he or she is passionate about and see if you like it. Keep exploring with different friends and family members until you find something that excites and interests you.

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What if I'm ugly?

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Believe it or not, confidence is the key. Great personality, manners, and good conversation skills are all you need, really. You have to embrace your insecurities and look for the good that is inside of you and how you can use that to your advantage.

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[1]

Expert Source

Kamal Ravikant
Author, Love Yourself Like Your Life Depends On It

[2]

Go to source

[3]

Leah Morris
Life Coach

[4]

Jennifer Guttman, PsyD
Licensed Clinical Psychologist

[5]

Rebecca Tenzer, MAT, MA, LCSW, CCTP, CGCS, CCATP, CCFP
Clinical Therapist & Adjunct Professor

[6]

[7]

Catherine Boswell, PhD
Licensed Psychologist

[8]

[9]

[10]

[11]

[12]

[13]

[14]

[15]

[16]

[17]

[18]

[19]

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How to Not Be a Loser: Actionable Ways to Change Your Mindset

How do I stop being a loser?

Steps

Be self-confident.

Work on your conversation skills.

Practice being positive.

Be authentic.

Avoid comparing yourself to other people.

Stay relaxed.

Value yourself.

Devote time to hobbies and interests.

Take pride in your physical appearance.

Focus on your work.

Take responsibility for your actions.

Make a plan for your future.

Ignore what others think about you.

Surround yourself with people who inspire you.

Make an effort to meet new people.

Stop trying so hard.

Go on dates to have a good time.

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Tips

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