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Forming close relationships without sending romantic signals
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Are you a girl looking to expand your social circle to include some boys? It’s normal if you don’t already have some platonic (that is, non-romantic) boy friends, as from age 4 onwards, boys and girls tend to form more same-gender friendships. [1] X Research source Fortunately, with just a bit of effort, you can make guy friends who are just as fun to be around as your girl friends. For tips on meeting boys and how to keep things non-romantic with them, keep reading!
Things You Should Know
- Seek out male friendships by joining a sports team or club that you’re passionate about.
- Get closer to guys by doing fun activities together, like going rock climbing or playing video games.
- Keep things platonic by not being overly affectionate and letting your guy friends know that you’re only interested in being friends.
Steps
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Be friendly and approachable. Though you may not be used to being around boys, remember they are people just like you. Casual greetings and small talk can go a long way! When you’re out and about, smile and make eye contact with boys to signal to them that you’re open to chat. [2] X Research source
- Don’t get too discouraged if boys don’t always respond positively. Boys are often taught to be “manly” at a young age, so it may take more time for a boy to warm up to you. Remember that if boys are rude to you when you are just being friendly, it says a lot more about them than it does about you.
- When you’re looking for guys to be friends with, look for ones who respect women. Making friends with guys who only keep you around to poke fun at you or make derogatory marks about your gender is bound to get exhausting after a while.
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Join an extracurricular activity. Boy-girl friendships are most likely to occur outside of school, so take this as an opportunity to pursue something you like and hopefully find some new friends in the process! [3] X Research source Join a sports team or take an art class to meet boys with similar interests as you.
- Find an activity that you genuinely enjoy. For example, join an intramural soccer team if you like playing soccer, but don’t do it just to meet boys! Boys are everywhere and, though there is a stereotype that they're only interested in sports, they have a wide range of interests too.
- You could also join a movie club or volunteer at the local animal shelter. Chances are, there will be at least a couple boys there who are interested in the same thing, and you’ll be able to bond over a genuine shared interest.
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Invite your girl friends to be friends with boys, too. See if any of your other girl friends are also interested in becoming friends with boys and invite them to do simple things, such as sitting together to eat lunch. After all, there’s no law saying that friend groups need to be divided by gender.
- Keeping other friends around is a great way to send the signal that you aren’t romantically interested in any of your guy friends.
- If your girl friends ask you why you want to be friends with boys, explain that you are looking for platonic friendships. After all, boys make up about half the human population, so you are all going to need to learn how to interact with them in a healthy and positive manner sooner or later! [4] X Research source
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Do fun activities together. It always takes time to get to know another person and form a real friendship. This is especially true of boys, because they are taught to talk and share less about their emotions and personal lives as an expression of their masculinity. [5] X Trustworthy Source Greater Good Magazine Journal published by UC Berkeley's Greater Good Science Center, which uses scientific research to promote happier living Go to source Do fun activities together to get to know one another.
- Activities as simple as going to the park, watching TV, doing homework together, or hanging out with other friends are all great, low-pressure situations which will gradually develop the friendship.
- Or, go to the bowling alley, play golf, or ride bikes together.
- Female friendships tend to be built on spending quality time together and talking, while male friendships are more about doing activities together.
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Be less affectionate than usual. Girls tend to be more physically and verbally affectionate with one another, while boys tend to show they care through less obvious means, such as doing favors for each other. When you’re hanging out with a guy friend, show him how much you care through actions instead of words. If things start seeming flirty or romantic, don’t spend time alone together, and put some distance between you two.
- Though your instinct may be to give your boy friend a hug when you see him, a simple wave and “hi” will suffice. Show that you’re glad to have his friendship by giving small compliments or offering to help him with a class he’s struggling with.
- Establish boundaries and follow them so there is clarity about the type of relationship you wish to share from the beginning. For instance, you might say, “I really like hanging out with you, but just as friends.”
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Be yourself. Though this may seem like a cliché, it’s important to always stay true to yourself . Otherwise, any friendships you do make will be based on a false persona, and it won’t be a real friendship. [6] X Research source
- Be honest about who you are, such as your interests, likes and dislikes, how you spend your days, etc. Even if you are into more traditionally feminine things, such as baking or crafting, that doesn’t mean you will always be excluded from having friendships with boys. After all, you may even find a boy who is interested in the same activity!
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Go with the flow. Whether you’re hanging out with one or multiple boys, it’s likely that the time you spend with boy friends will be very different from when you’re with your girl friends. [7] X Research source Knowing and being open to this difference will help you and your new friends enjoy your time together.
- Going with the flow can be as simple as letting go of expectations of what you will do with your guy friends. For example, if you’re invited over to a new boy friend’s place, don’t be surprised or annoyed if you spend the next few hours vegging out on the couch and watching sports.
- If your guy friends call you up out of the blue to hang out, take them up on it. Sometimes, guys get together spontaneously without much planning ahead.
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Learn more about stereotypically masculine hobbies. While girls tend to get together to talk or unwind together, many boys tend to get together for a specific activity, even if it’s just playing video games or scrimmaging basketball. [8] X Research source Knowing the basics of at least a couple of these typically masculine activities will increase the likelihood of boys considering you to be “just one of the guys.” You may even discover a new, previously unexplored interest!
- If you’re already an active person, try taking up a new sport. Even just watching a sport or keeping up with a specific team will give you a lot to discuss with your new friends.
- If you’re a more sedentary person, explore what the latest video games are to see if any of them grab your interest.
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Have a sense of humor. Boys tend to bond over jokes, and often even make fun of each other. [9] X Research source Let them know if they’ve crossed a line, but also realize that joking at others’ expense is a common male activity. If you’re getting picked on but you know that you are actually friends with the boy, come up with some funny rebuttals .
- For example, if your friend makes fun of your poor performance in something, laugh along to let them know you aren’t too sensitive. Poke at one of their weaknesses in a funny way. Just be sure to keep it lighthearted!
- For instance, you might say, “Oh yeah? Well at least I can hit a ball! I don’t strike out every time like you, Connor.”
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Observe and copy how guys interact with each other. Watching is one of the best ways to learn how to fit in. While it’s always going to be clear that you are different from boys, you can make this difference less noticeable by noticing how guys treat each other and imitating them.
- For instance, guys might call each other “bro” or “dude.”
- Guys might also tease each other about girls.
- With this step, just make sure you are not going overboard. Display your natural personality but pick up little gestures, like fist bumps as greetings and common topics that boys discuss.
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Learn to stand up for yourself . Due to gender norms and the sometimes unhealthy social environments in schools, don’t be surprised if you find others being unsupportive of your friendship or actively teasing you about it. Let everyone know that it’s okay to be friends with guys, and you don’t care what they think about it. [10] X Research source
- If other kids accuse you of being in a romantic relationship or tease you about your friendship, practice some basic comebacks like, “He’s a friend who happens to be a boy, so what?”
- If you don’t get worked up about it, eventually other kids will get tired of teasing you and leave you and your friend alone.
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Make it clear you are just friends. You may find pressure to turn your friendship into a romantic relationship, but stick to what you want. Let your guy friends know that you just want to be platonic, not romantic with them. [11] X Research source
- To keep the connection platonic, decline romantic gestures, split all the tabs for social activities, and make sure not to blur the lines of physical contact.
- Even adults may inadvertently pressure you by asking questions such as, “Is he cute?” Let them know that you are not interested in his physical attributes and emphasize that you are just friends.
- One study has shown that boys and girls often have a hard time maintaining their relationships because they are pressured to make it romantic or sexual. [12] X Research source If your boy friend starts pressuring you to turn the friendship into a relationship, make it clear that you are only interested in him platonically. If he stops being your friend after that, then he never was really your friend to begin with and you’ll find other people who won’t pressure you into something you don’t want.
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Remember your life is your own. At the end of the day, you make your own decisions about who you want to spend time with and how you want to live your life. Keeping this in mind will help you develop a stronger sense of self and not be overly affected by other people’s opinions.
- Plus, having a wide variety of friends of all genders will help you be a nicer, more well-rounded person.
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Expert Interview
Thanks for reading our article! If you’d like to learn more about relationships, check out our in-depth interview with Moshe Ratson, MFT, PCC .
References
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/growing-friendships/201108/can-boys-and-girls-be-friends
- ↑ https://socialself.com/blog/become-more-approachable/
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/growing-friendships/201108/can-boys-and-girls-be-friends
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/field-guide-families/201112/the-upside-boy-girl-friendships
- ↑ http://greatergood.berkeley.edu/article/item/debunking_myths_boys_emotions
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/click-here-happiness/201810/how-be-yourself-in-five-simple-steps
- ↑ http://www.child-encyclopedia.com/gender-early-socialization/according-experts/peer-socialization-gender-young-boys-and-girls
- ↑ http://www.askmen.com/top_10/entertainment/top-10-male-bonding-activities.html
- ↑ https://www.nytimes.com/books/97/03/23/lifetimes/asi-v-humor.html
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Reader Success Stories
- "It worked! I'm not that great at basketball, but I had to try it with my 'boy friend' because that's what he likes to play. Then he told me we could play any sport I want, so I picked volleyball. He said, "I'll get my short shorts" and he came out wearing some! " ..." more
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"It worked! I'm not that great at basketball, but I had to try it with my 'boy friend' because that's what he likes to play. Then he told me we could play any sport I want, so I picked volleyball. He said, "I'll get my short shorts" and he came out wearing some! "
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"I just found this article to be so well written. Don't want to post this publicly but I'm actually a 40 year old woman who has never had a fully platonic friendship with a guy. Reading this has helped me to feel validated I guess. Thanks."
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"Amazing! This article actually helped me in my school. There is a very big stereotype in my school that if a girl talks to a guy, he is her boyfriend. But now I changed this condition. Thanks."
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"I have always wanted to be friends with boys, but was not so sure how to stick to it. This article addresses common problems that we face and how we can get over them. It's just so good!"
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"This really did help out a lot! I've become friends with guys a lot easier now. Just take it slow and be nice and kind!"
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