Parenting When Depressed: How to Manage Your Symptoms & Be a Good Mom

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Being depressed doesn’t mean you’re a bad mom. Living with depression can make the stresses of parenthood seem unbeatable. But these stresses can be overcome, and if you’re a mom who’s experiencing this now, know that you can make it through. You’re not alone, and many other parents are dealing with the same issues. We’re here to help you and provide some information that can help you be a good mom when depressed.

Section 1 of 5:

Understanding Depression in Moms

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  1. 1 in 10 women report symptoms of a major depressive episode each year. Motherhood is often stressful and comes with several hormonal shifts. This chronic stress can lead to depression over time. [1] [2]
    • Research has shown that 1 in 8 mothers experience postpartum depression during pregnancy and soon after giving birth.
    • If you’re experiencing a depressive episode, it’s helpful to track when your symptoms started. You may be affected by perimenopausal depression, where symptoms appear before menopause. [3]
    • You might also be living with another kind of depression, such as Seasonal Affective Disorder, where depression is tied to the time of year. Knowing the timing of your depressive episodes can help you plan for them in advance. [4]
    • Depression is also common after birth, usually due to the amount of pressure on the new mom so that everything regarding the baby is perfect. [5]
  2. The following symptoms are common signs of depression. You may not have all of them, but if several describe you, you may be experiencing depression: [6]
    • A persistent feeling of sadness or emptiness
    • Irritability
    • Fatigue
    • Waking up too early or oversleeping
    • A loss of pleasure in hobbies or activities
    • Aches and cramps with no clear cause
    • Changes in appetite
    • Moving and talking more slowly
    • Persistent thoughts of death or suicide
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  3. Although depression in men is often associated with aggressive and risk-taking behavior as well as substance abuse, women are more likely to experience depression as a feeling of overwhelming sadness and a lack of pleasure. [7]
  4. Although these illnesses commonly occur together, unlike depression, anxiety is associated with persistent and severe worrying, obsession over worst-case scenarios, and feeling restless or physically agitated. [8]
    • Although most people experience some anxiety, if these symptoms have begun to seriously interfere with your daily life, you may have generalized anxiety disorder.
    • The desire to have everything be perfect for the new child can lead to sadness and anxiety when new moms do not perceive themselves to be doing everything correctly. [9]
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Section 2 of 5:

Managing Depression Symptoms at Home

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  1. Although depression can make you want to withdraw from your social life, staying connected can improve your mood. When you feel low, call someone you trust for a friendly conversation. [10]
    • You don’t have to open up about your depression symptoms if you don’t want to, although you should feel free to do so. Remember that your friends and family are there to support you, but if you’d prefer to chat about a more light-hearted topic, this can also make you feel better.
  2. During daylight hours, try to spend at least 15 minutes a day outdoors. Sunlight can boost your serotonin levels and improve your mood. You can also increase the amount of sunlight you’re exposed to indoors by sitting near windows and opening your blinds and drapes. [11]
    • If you live in an area where there isn’t much sunlight in the winter, try getting a light therapy box.
  3. Yoga, deep breathing, meditation, and mindfulness exercises can keep you mentally strong. Doing a relaxation technique every day can relieve the symptoms of depression and boost your sense of well-being. [12]
  4. Exercise can really help raise your mood and alleviate the symptoms of depression. [13] It’s okay if you haven’t exercised in a while—you don’t need to be a world-class athlete. Start by walking for 20 minutes every day. [14]
    • Finding a fitness partner can give you the motivation to stay active. Ask a friend if they’d like to start going on walks or to the gym together.
    EXPERT TIP

    Moshe Ratson, MFT, PCC

    Marriage & Family Therapist
    Moshe Ratson is the Executive Director of spiral2grow Marriage & Family Therapy, a coaching and therapy clinic in New York City. Moshe is an International Coach Federation accredited Professional Certified Coach (PCC). He received his MS in Marriage and Family Therapy from Iona College. Moshe is a clinical member of the American Association of Marriage and Family Therapy (AAMFT), and a member of the International Coach Federation (ICF).
    Moshe Ratson, MFT, PCC
    Marriage & Family Therapist

    Raising a happy family starts with you feeling your best. Self-care isn't selfish—it replenishes the energy and positivity that you need to create a nurturing space for your family. It's good to make time for healthy activities, like exercise, hobbies, or relaxation.

  5. Depression can lead you into cycles of unhealthy thinking. But you have the power to challenge these thoughts and take back control over your mental health. When you find yourself spiraling down a path of self-doubt, self-criticism, and sadness, ask yourself: [15]
    • “What’s the evidence that this thought is true?”
    • “What would I tell a friend if they told me they had this thought?”
    • “How might I think about this situation if I didn’t have depression?”
  6. Studies have shown that consuming alcohol changes your brain chemistry and can put you at a higher risk for depressive symptoms. If you don’t want to avoid alcohol altogether, be sure you’re not drinking every day, and try not to drink to excess. [16]
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Section 3 of 5:

How Parental Depression Affects Kids

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  1. Parental depression shapes a child’s experience of the world. Studies have shown that depressed mothers tend to be less emotionally responsive to their children, which can change how children act with others. Depression can also cause parents to isolate their families, and limit their child’s interactions with the world. [17]
    • Don’t let this information discourage you. Living with depression doesn’t make you a bad mother. [18] But being aware of some of the issues that can come up while parenting with depression can help you take steps to counterbalance them.
  2. You don’t have to appear invincible to be a good mom. Depending on the age and maturity of your child, it may be time to talk to them about what you’re going through. If your child is older, they may already be familiar with what depression is, and can be another source of support for you. [19]
    • Children are perceptive: they can tell when something is emotionally off-balance. By addressing your depression head-on with your child, you can teach them to trust their instincts, and help them make sense of something they probably already know. [20]
    • Open this conversation by saying something like, “You know I love you more than anything in the world, but sometimes I feel sorta sick, and it hurts me that I can’t always spend as much time with you as I want.” [21]
    • Always take care with the language used to convey your situation. For example, avoid using terms like "suffering with depression". It's better to say "living with depression". Remember that children tend to mirror the parents, so make a good example and remind them that this doesn't mean you're less than a person because of it. [22]
  3. Try your best to express yourself, and remember you can always have another conversation later if you need to. You don’t need to cover everything during a single conversation. [23]
    • If you’re finding it too hard to talk to your child about this issue, then you can invite them to sit in on a therapy session with you. A trained professional can help you navigate this conversation. [24]
  4. All children will face negative experiences in their lives, but by developing your child’s resiliency, you can help them adjust to the difficulties that come from having a depressed caregiver. Research has shown that some ways to increase resiliency include: [25]
    • Building a sense of self-efficacy and perceived control: let your child make decisions for themselves, so that they can feel in command over their own lives. For younger children, you can start by having them make smaller choices, like what to have for dinner.
    • Providing opportunities for self-reliance: let your child deal with conflicts at school or in other parts of their lives without your assistance. Step in only when there is a danger to their safety.
    • Mobilizing sources of faith and cultural traditions: educate your child on traditions that they share with other people. By allowing them to feel tapped into a bigger network of people who share their values, they’ll feel more ready to take on the world.
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Section 4 of 5:

Keeping on Top of Mom Duties

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  1. Often, depression can make us unable to meet our commitments. For example, children with depressed parents are often late for or miss school. Having a weekly list made in advance will help keep you on task. [26]
    • When making your list, start by writing down any regular responsibilities you have, like doing laundry and making dinner. Then, add any special commitments you have, like going to your child’s sports event. As you finish each task, cross it off, and enjoy your feeling of well-earned accomplishment.
    • Don’t be afraid to delegate tasks if you don’t feel up to doing them. Reaching out to a partner, family member, friend, or even acquaintance, can help you manage your responsibilities when they come up. Remember that, although you are the mother, you don't have to do everything by yourself. [27]
  2. It takes a village, especially when you’re depressed. [28] The goal here is to find people who you and your children trust, so that you can share some of the load when it comes to raising your kids. [29]
    • Loved ones who live far away can also be an important part of your support system. Keep in touch with friends and family, especially ones who are parents themselves, and can relate to your struggles.
    • If you’re looking for another group of moms to help out with childcare duties, try talking to parents at your child’s school events. It can feel awkward at first, but chances are there are plenty of people there who are happy to help. You don’t need to disclose any of your depressive symptoms in order to ask for a helping hand.
  3. If your children are old enough, they can do simple tasks to keep the household running or help you with your basic needs, like medication and dressing. Check in with them about their own mental health by asking them a question like, “How are you feeling on a scale of 1-10?” so that they don’t end up overburdening themselves. [30]
    • Be sure that you balance their caring responsibilities with free time, and schedule time each week where your children can do nothing. This will keep them from feeling resentful over having too many ‘grown-up’ responsibilities.
  4. This might mean taking them out on a special trip or treating them to a nice dinner. It could also mean just spending time with them at home, and being attentive when they talk about their days. Remember that even in the worst depressive episodes, there will always be some moments of relief. [31]
    • Don’t take it personally if your children aren’t up to doing something adventurous when you want to. They might be busy themselves, or have their own stresses to work through. But when you feel good, try to spend that time with them in a meaningful way—you won’t regret it.
    • Remember that ‘good enough’ is fine. [32] There is no need to be a perfect parent, and no one ever is. Often, depressed people put too much pressure on themselves, and feel like failures if they can’t meet their own expectations. Stay away from this kind of trap. [33]
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Section 5 of 5:

Treatment for Depression

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  1. [34] Bring up your anxieties around being a mom. A good therapist can provide a space for you to recover and heal. With science-backed techniques like Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT), you can beat your depression, and get back to enjoying your life. [35]
    • CBT is effective at helping depressed parents. [36] By offering strategies to overcome the challenges that depression poses, you can regain a sense of control over your life. [37]
    • Your therapist may decide to refer to you a psychiatrist for medical treatment. Many depressed parents use a combination of therapy and medication to allow them to be the best support for their kids that they can be. [38]
    • If you’re already on medication, be sure to make regular appointments with your doctor to mitigate any unwanted side effects. You deserve a treatment plan that allows you to live your life as easily and healthily as possible.

How Do You Prevent Postpartum Depression?


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      Tips

      • Make a Wellness Recovery Action Plan and give copies to people you trust. In this document, you should include information like the numbers for your therapist and psychiatrist, phone numbers for friends and family who have been helpful in the past, and information on things that have helped you deal with a crisis in the past.
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      • If you find yourself having suicidal thoughts, seek help immediately. Call or text the National Suicide and Crisis Lifeline at 988. You owe it not only to your kids to stay safe, but also to yourself. You have value, even if you can’t always see it, and there is a place for you in the world.
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      References

      1. ↑ Mirjam Quinn, PhD. Licensed Clinical Psychologist. Expert Interview. 3 March 2022.
      2. ↑ https://www.cdc.gov/reproductive-health/depression/
      3. ↑ https://www.hopkinsmedicine.org/health/wellness-and-prevention/can-menopause-cause-depression
      4. ↑ https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/seasonal-affective-disorder/symptoms-causes/syc-20364651
      5. ↑ Urmi Patel, PsyD. Licensed Clinical Psychologist. Expert Interview. 31 March 2022.
      6. ↑ https://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/publications/depression-in-women
      7. ↑ Mirjam Quinn, PhD. Licensed Clinical Psychologist. Expert Interview. 3 March 2022.
      8. ↑ https://health.clevelandclinic.org/anxiety-vs-depression-which-do-i-have-or-both/
      9. ↑ Urmi Patel, PsyD. Licensed Clinical Psychologist. Expert Interview. 31 March 2022.
      1. ↑ https://www.nhs.uk/mental-health/self-help/tips-and-support/cope-with-depression/
      2. ↑ https://www.helpguide.org/articles/depression/coping-with-depression.htm
      3. ↑ https://www.helpguide.org/articles/depression/coping-with-depression.htm
      4. ↑ Mirjam Quinn, PhD. Licensed Clinical Psychologist. Expert Interview. 3 March 2022.
      5. ↑ https://www.nhs.uk/mental-health/self-help/tips-and-support/cope-with-depression/
      6. ↑ https://www.helpguide.org/articles/depression/coping-with-depression.htm
      7. ↑ https://www.rcpsych.ac.uk/mental-health/problems-disorders/alcohol-and-depression
      8. ↑ https://www.yalemedicine.org/conditions/how-parental-depression-affects-child
      9. ↑ Urmi Patel, PsyD. Licensed Clinical Psychologist. Expert Interview. 31 March 2022.
      10. ↑ https://www.mhanational.org/parenting-mental-health-condition
      11. ↑ https://www.mhanational.org/parenting-mental-health-condition
      12. ↑ https://www.mhanational.org/parenting-mental-health-condition
      13. ↑ Urmi Patel, PsyD. Licensed Clinical Psychologist. Expert Interview. 31 March 2022.
      14. ↑ https://www.mhanational.org/parenting-mental-health-condition
      15. ↑ https://www.mhanational.org/parenting-mental-health-condition
      16. ↑ https://developingchild.harvard.edu/science/key-concepts/resilience/
      17. ↑ https://www.yalemedicine.org/conditions/how-parental-depression-affects-child
      18. ↑ Urmi Patel, PsyD. Licensed Clinical Psychologist. Expert Interview. 31 March 2022.
      19. ↑ Urmi Patel, PsyD. Licensed Clinical Psychologist. Expert Interview. 31 March 2022.
      20. ↑ https://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/parenting-while-depressed-10-things-to-remember-0325145
      21. ↑ https://www.mind.org.uk/information-support/tips-for-everyday-living/parenting-and-mental-health/
      22. ↑ https://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/parenting-while-depressed-10-things-to-remember-0325145
      23. ↑ Urmi Patel, PsyD. Licensed Clinical Psychologist. Expert Interview. 31 March 2022.
      24. ↑ https://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/parenting-while-depressed-10-things-to-remember-0325145
      25. ↑ Mirjam Quinn, PhD. Licensed Clinical Psychologist. Expert Interview. 3 March 2022.
      26. ↑ https://www.yalemedicine.org/conditions/how-parental-depression-affects-child
      27. ↑ Urmi Patel, PsyD. Licensed Clinical Psychologist. Expert Interview. 31 March 2022.
      28. ↑ https://www.yalemedicine.org/conditions/how-parental-depression-affects-child
      29. ↑ https://www.yalemedicine.org/conditions/how-parental-depression-affects-child

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