How to Be a Nice Guy Instead of a "Nice Guy"

Stepping away from being a "nice guy" means learning to be confident, assertive, and willing to let things go when they don't work out.

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   1
   Know the signs of being a "nice guy." Many "nice guys" work hard to satisfy other people, then get upset when it doesn't get them what they want. You may have a "nice guy" problem if... ^{[1] [2]}

   • You are always seeking other people's approval .
   • You apologize as a reflex.
   • You put others' needs before your own, and your own life suffers for it.
   • You have trouble saying "no" to people.
   • You're passive and let other people boss you around.
   • You often feel like a victim.
   • You struggle with dating, and feel like you always give more than you get.
   • You end up judging and resenting other people for not reciprocating.
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   2
   Recognize that being a "Nice Guy" doesn't work. You're likely to get frustrated if you sit around being nice and hoping that something good will fall into your lap. ^[3]

   • Many "nice guys" feel like everything they try just doesn't work, and they may end up suppressing their feelings and resenting other people for it. ^[4]
   • "Nice guys" can end up with a reputation for being deceptive and creepy, because other people don't know what the "nice guy" wants or what will make him angry. ^[5]
   • Your actions can speak loud. So if you support others often but never ask for support, people may think you are hypocritical.
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   3
   Recognize unrealistic expectations. There are no secret rules of relationships that guarantee that if you do something, you'll get something in return. ^[6] People with "nice guy" ideas may believe that:

   • "If I'm nice, women will love me and want to date me."
   • "If I meet others' needs, other people should meet my needs."
   • "If I do things right, my life will be easier."
   • Former "nice guy" Dr. Robert Glover calls these "covert contracts." The trouble with a covert contract is that the other person isn't aware of the terms, or that you are holding them to the contract. Thus, they're bound to disappoint you.
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   4
   Recognize that nobody owes you anything in return for kindness. Relationships aren't a tit-for-tat exchange, and building up resentment if someone doesn't reciprocate isn't helpful to you. Give for the sake of giving, not because you expect to get something in return.

   • Notice if someone doesn't reciprocate. Assume that this person is probably not a good dating option for you.
   • Recognize that you don't have to give something if you don't want to. You can say no.
   • Remember that nobody has to "give you a chance" and try dating you. Just like you aren't obligated to try dating any random person off the street, nobody ever owes you a date. ^[7]
   • If you notice yourself giving in the hopes of getting something back, stop. Instead, just ask for what you want.
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   5
   Try rejection therapy . "Rejection therapy" is a game you can play to build your resilience and assertiveness skills. Try asking random people for favors; have the goal of making sure they say no to you. Then smile politely and walk away. Here are some examples of things you can do for practice: ^[8]

   • Ask someone to race you.
   • Ask a store worker for a discount.
   • Ask strangers for money.
   • Ask to test drive someone else's car.
   • Ask strangers to take a selfie with you.
   • Warning: Only make the request if you would be okay with them saying "yes!" Sometimes people will surprise you. For example, if you aren't attracted to men but you ask a random guy out and he says yes, that's a bad situation.
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   6
   Let go of jealousy and insecurities. Quit judging men who are romantically successful, or blaming women for "wanting jerks." Envy is a bad look, and it'll eat you up from the inside (and drive potential dates away). Instead, work on letting things go and acknowledging that there's nothing wrong with you if you don't happen to have what other guys have.

   • There are many different ways to be attractive. Some guys are bookish, sensitive, and charming. Some guys are bold, assertive, and spontaneous. Some guys are stoic, gentle, and loving. None of these are wrong. Just because a different guy is attractive in a different way doesn't mean that one of you is less attractive than the other.
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   7
   Be your own man. Some "nice guys" hear stories about awful men and decide to become the opposite. But they're still relying on other people (especially women) for validation, which isn't helpful. ^{[9] [10]} Avoid defining yourself by how you assume that women may see you, and instead, consider how you see yourself.

   • You don't need a girlfriend to know that you are a good person.
   • Don't feel the need to copy other men who look successful. Instead, focus on your own strengths, and work on being the best version of yourself. This will make you much more attractive, and you'll feel better about yourself too.
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   8
   Don't be afraid to be masculine. Being a good person doesn't have to mean alienating yourself from your masculinity. If you want to lift weights, be tough, dress like a cowboy, watch sports, or do any other stereotypical "manly" things, you can! Be yourself, own your quirks, and make it part of your style.

   • Women don't necessarily find "manly men" unattractive. Aggressive, mean, misogynistic, and uncaring men are unattractive, but you can be manly without being those things. Macho jerks are bad, but genuinely manly men are attractive.
   • If you don't feel comfortable being "manly," that's okay too. Focus on wearing and doing the things that make you happy.
   • Be yourself , not a chameleon who mimics whatever he thinks women will like. ^[11]
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   9
   Mean what you say. Many "nice guys" try to avoid making waves because they fear conflict too much. But in the end, they are shooting themselves in the foot, because they don't stand up for themselves and they end up coming off as deceptive. Instead, take the courage to speak your mind.

   • Quit saying yes when you want to say no.
   • Politely say no to people if they make requests that would be too much of a burden on you. ^[12] For example, if you have to study all weekend and you're asked to babysit for half a day, don't say yes. Just say "Sorry, I have to study."
   • Break bad news gently. You don't have to be rude to be honest. For example, you can say things like "No, I think the yellow dress was more flattering" or "I already have plans. Are you free next week?"
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    10
    Take care of yourself first. Learn to count on yourself. Being a pushover and neglecting yourself isn't good for you. Take care of your own needs first, and once that is done, offer your spare energy doing a mix of things that you enjoy and things that help other people.

    • It is important to focus on your needs and desires to avoid falling into a nice guy stereotype. ^[13]
    • If you feel someone is taking advantage of you, set boundaries with them so that you do not feel walked over. ^[14]
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    11
    Don't unleash pent-up anger on others. Yes, it stinks when you don't get what you want. It's okay to be upset. But that doesn't give you the right to call names, accuse everyone of everything, or act like a bully. If you start swearing or calling names when you get rejected, you aren't acting like a nice guy at all. Find healthy outlets instead of hurting others or blaming everyone but yourself.

    • Other people are not responsible for fulfilling expectations they didn't even know you had.
    • Don't send angry messages to people who don't want to date you. Instead, take a break and do something that helps you process things or relax. Rage-filled messages can scare women.
    • Consider anger management classes if you feel the need to verbally abuse people who don't go out with you.
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    12
    Consider therapy if you don't know what else to do. If you feel like you're trapped in ineffective and negative behavior patterns, it might help to see a counselor and ask for tools to handle things in more productive ways.

    • Some people think that "real men" don't get therapy. In reality, taking a step towards making things right is an incredibly brave thing to do. ^[15]
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