How to Build Intimacy with a Man

Written by Moshe Ratson, MFT, PCC | Edited by Amy Bobinger

Last Updated: October 28, 2022 References

When you first start dating a guy, you might feel like you should automatically have a deep emotional and physical connection. The truth is, it usually takes time to work up to being really intimate. Also, since men are often taught to hide their emotions, it can be especially hard for them to be vulnerable. Luckily, our guide has tips to help the two of you open up to each other so you can enjoy the close, secure bond you're looking for.

This article is based on an interview with our marriage and family therapist, Moshe Ratson, MFT, PCC. Check out the full interview here.

1

Do something physical together.

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Get into your body and out of your head. If you catch yourself overthinking things, try planning a fun activity where the two of you can use your bodies. ^{[1]
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Expert Source

John Keegan
Dating Coach

Expert Interview. 29 June 2021.} Working out is always a great option—not only are you spending quality time together, but exercising together can help boost intimacy and trust in a relationship. ^{[2]
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Research source} Other activities might include:
- Taking a dance class
- Going for a hike
- Arm wrestling
- Playing video games
- Playing a sport

2

Try something neither of you have done before.

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Getting out of your comfort zone can bring you closer. Whether you're in a new relationship or you've been together for decades, look for fun new activities you can do together. It's a good way to be vulnerable together, and the process of learning and laughing together is a great bonding experience. ^{[3]
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Expert Source

Moshe Ratson, MFT, PCC
Marriage & Family Therapist

Expert Interview. 18 September 2019.}
- Try taking a dance class, cooking a new dish together, or playing a sport neither of you have tried before. ^{[4]
 X
 Expert Source
 
 Nicole Moore
 Love & Relationship Coach
 
 Expert Interview. 6 October 2021.}

3

Touch him frequently.

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Physical contact can actually help the two of you feel closer. Start small—even casual touches can help build intimacy. For instance, you might give him a long hug when you see him or put your hand on his arm when he says something funny. As the two of you get closer, you might do things like holding hands or cuddling while you watch a movie, or giving each other massages after a long day. ^{[5]
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Expert Source

John Keegan
Dating Coach

Expert Interview. 29 June 2021.}
- Physical touch can actually be good for your overall health, so you'll both get a benefit beyond the boost to your intimacy. ^{[6]
 X
 Research source}

4

Make sexual intimacy a priority.

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Sexual intimacy involves being vulnerable. Just because you're sleeping together doesn't necessarily mean you're being sexually intimate. To really be intimate with each other, you have to get comfortable talking about what you do and don't like. ^{[7]
X
Expert Source

Jacqueline Hellyer
Licensed Psychosexual Therapist

Expert Interview. 15 October 2021.} Also, wild sex is definitely fun sometimes, but don't forget that lovemaking is also a really important part of an intimate relationship.
- Try asking questions like, "What gets you in the mood?" or, "Is there anything you've always wanted to try in bed but haven't done?"
- Don't be afraid to initiate sex. It may feel a little awkward if you're not used to doing it, but it can be as simple as saying, "Hey, want to turn off the TV and go cuddle?" ^{[8]
 X
 Expert Source
 
 Nicole Moore
 Love & Relationship Coach
 
 Expert Interview. 6 October 2021.}
- Keep him on his toes by surprising him with a flirty note, a steamy selfie, or by acting out one of his fantasies.

5

Stay present in the moment.

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Fully engage with your guy when he's around. One of the most important things you can do to make someone feel close to you is to give them your full attention. You don't necessarily have to be locked onto him 24/7, but make sure there are a few times a day where you turn off your devices and make your guy the center of your focus. ^{[9]
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Research source}
- Make it a point to practice being present during conversations, meals, quality time, and special occasions.
- Try not to get lost in your thoughts while you're with him—being anxious or focusing too much on the future can make it hard to enjoy the time you're together, and that can keep you from connecting on a deeper level.
EXPERT TIP

Allison Broennimann, PhD
Clinical Psychologist
Dr. Allison Broennimann is a licensed Clinical Psychologist with a private practice based in the San Francisco Bay Area providing psychotherapy and neuropsychology services. With over a decade of experience, Dr. Broennimann specializes in in-depth psychotherapy to provide solution-focused treatments for anxiety, depression, relationship problems, grief, adjustment problems, traumatic stress, and phase-of-life transitions. And as part of her neuropsychology practice, she integrates depth psychotherapy and cognitive rehabilitation for those recovering after traumatic brain injury. Dr. Broennimann holds a BA in Psychology from the University of California, Santa Cruz, and an MS and Ph.D. in Clinical Psychology from Palo Alto University. She is licensed by the California Board of Psychology and is a member of the American Psychological Association.

Allison Broennimann, PhD
Clinical Psychologist

Staying present like this really is one of the best ways to build intimacy. If you catch yourself projecting your expectations and wishes onto your partner, try to slow down and focus on letting the two of you be present. Let your partner be themselves as much as possible.