How to Create Conversation With an Untalkative Boyfriend

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Tired of those long pauses between you and your boyfriend, yet not sure what to do about it? You might feel frustrated dating a quiet guy and not know how to get him out of his shell. Start by improving your listening and communication skills. Practice being attentive and engaged by asking questions and being open about your own life. Above all, be patient if it takes longer than you’d like and maintain a positive outlook.

Conversation Help

Part 1
Part 1 of 3:

Being a Great Listener

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  1. Make sure you’re being a good listener when he speaks. If he feels like you’re ignoring him or that you’re distracted, he may not want to open up. Give your full attention when he’s talking and don’t get distracted by the television, your phone, or other things. [1]
    • Nod occasionally and appear engaged by leaning in and keeping an open posture. Maintain eye contact to show that you’re engaged.
    • Encourage him to go on by saying, “Uh huh” or, “I see” to show that you’re listening.
  2. When your boyfriend speaks, remember the important things he brings up. If he brings up the same topic a couple times, this likely means it’s something that’s important to him or that he cares about. If you’re looking for something to discuss, ask him for an update on something he brought up before. [2]
    • For example, say, “You were working on a project in your garage, did you finish it?”
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  3. Give him opportunities to open up that might appeal to him. Offer to do something that both of you like. This will put him in a relaxed and familiar state of mind, which may make him feel more open and willing to talk. This also allows you to have more things to talk about regarding the activity.
    • Maybe you both enjoy playing video games, ice skating, or watching movies.
  4. When your boyfriend opens up or talks, give him some positive feedback. Show your gratitude for his openness. This will show him that you appreciate when he opens up and want him to do more of it. [3]
    • For example, say, “I always enjoy learning more about you” or, “I didn’t know that about you, thanks for sharing.”
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Part 2
Part 2 of 3:

Improving Your Communication

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  1. Don’t expect your shy boyfriend to start every conversation. He may not know what to talk about or how to begin. If he tends to be a quiet guy, take the lead in talking. Open conversations and don’t be afraid to be the first to talk. [4]
    • Start with a simple, “How was your day?” or, “How are you doing?”
  2. Don’t go straight for the difficult topics or personal questions. Start by asking him simple things or topics you know he’s interested in. For example, if he likes working on cars, ask him about his most memorable experience. If he enjoys sports, ask him to tell you about what he plays and why he likes it. [5]
    • Show an interest in what he enjoys and approach things you don’t know with curiosity.
  3. Asking questions shows that you’re listening and interested in what your boyfriend is talking about. If he brings something up, make a point to ask at least one question about it before changing topics. Engage your natural curiosity and find ways to connect. [6]
    • Ask open-ended questions. For example, instead of saying, “Was work good?” say, “How was work?”
    • For example, if your boyfriend is telling you about his family, ask, “How many siblings do you have?”
    • However, don’t bombard your boyfriend with lots of questions. This can feel overwhelming and make him shut down. Space out these questions over the conversation, and give him time to think over his answers.
  4. If your boyfriend doesn't like to talk much and/or is shy, perhaps he likes to listen. Talk about what's happening in your life and ask for his advice on any issues you might be having. Make sure to try to include him while you're talking by asking for his opinion or feedback on things. [7]
    • Avoid whining or complaining. This isn’t the way to connect with your boyfriend.
  5. If you think something’s up because your guy isn’t talking, don’t assume something is wrong. Jumping to thinking something is wrong might annoy him, especially if he feels just fine. Instead of thinking something is wrong, accept his silence as okay.
    • If you want to know why your boyfriend is silent, say, “What’s going on?” instead of jumping to conclusions.
    • Your boyfriend may not like being accused of feeling low or sad or mad just because he is quiet.
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Part 3
Part 3 of 3:

Adjusting Your Attitude

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  1. Especially if you know that your boyfriend tends to be quiet or untalkative in general, don’t think he’s ignoring you or withholding. He’s not mad, upset, sad, or annoyed. He’s probably just quiet and needs some time to warm up or feel engaged. [8]
    • However, if he’s talkative with other people but just not you, there might be a problem.
    • If you think he is mad and there’s reason to be, say something.
  2. Build his trust . Your boyfriend should feel comfortable and accepted by you. Use small moments to increase trust. Find some moments to connect and show that you’re attentive. [9] Turn toward your boyfriend, not away from him. [10]
    • For example, if he looks sad, say, “You look sad. What’s going on?”
  3. Give him time to open up. He may be nervous or may not have much experience with relationships. If you notice yourself getting irritated with him or feeling like he’s not talking enough, take a few steps back. If you’re committed, then you need to find some peace with where he’s at, whether you like it or not. Notice when you’re feeling frustrated with him and put the focus on dealing with your own feelings, not taking them out on your boyfriend. [11]
    • For example, if you’re feeling annoyed at failed attempts to connect, take a few deep breaths. Leave the room for a few minutes so you can return feeling better.
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Expert Q&A

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  • Question
    What should I do if my boyfriend won't have a difficult conversation?
    Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSW
    Psychotherapist
    Kelli Miller is a Psychotherapist based in Los Angeles, California. Kelli specializes in individual and couples therapy focusing on relationships, depression, anxiety, sexuality, communication, parenting, and more. She is the author of “Love Hacks: Simple Solutions to Your Most Common Relationship Issues” which details the top 15 relationship issues and 3 quick solutions to each. She is also the award-winning and best-selling author of “Thriving with ADHD”. Kelli co-hosted an advice show on LA Talk Radio and was a relationship expert for The Examiner. She received her MSW (Masters of Social Work) from the University of Pennsylvania and a BA in Sociology/Health from the University of Florida.
    Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSW
    Psychotherapist
    Expert Answer
    If he's shutting down or avoiding uncomfortable conversations, just take it slow. It's okay if he needs a little bit of space to process what you're talking about. Some people just need a little more room to think and figure out what they're going to say. So long as the conversation does happen, you don't need to worry too much about how quickly the conversation takes place.
    Thanks! We're glad this was helpful.
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  • Question
    What can I do if we need to talk about something but I always say the wrong thing?
    Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSW
    Psychotherapist
    Kelli Miller is a Psychotherapist based in Los Angeles, California. Kelli specializes in individual and couples therapy focusing on relationships, depression, anxiety, sexuality, communication, parenting, and more. She is the author of “Love Hacks: Simple Solutions to Your Most Common Relationship Issues” which details the top 15 relationship issues and 3 quick solutions to each. She is also the award-winning and best-selling author of “Thriving with ADHD”. Kelli co-hosted an advice show on LA Talk Radio and was a relationship expert for The Examiner. She received her MSW (Masters of Social Work) from the University of Pennsylvania and a BA in Sociology/Health from the University of Florida.
    Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSW
    Psychotherapist
    Expert Answer
    Write down what you want to say! There's nothing wrong with jotting your thoughts down and then reading what you have to say. It can take a lot of effort to articulate everything you need to say, so don't feel bad if you need to compose your thoughts ahead of time!
    Thanks! We're glad this was helpful.
    Thank you for your feedback.
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    Not Helpful 1 Helpful 2
  • Question
    My boyfriend and I hardly talk about anything anymore and I'm afraid to bring up a topic lest he thinks it's boring. What should I do?
    Klare Heston, LCSW
    Licensed Social Worker
    Klare Heston is a Licensed Independent Clinical Social Worker based in Cleveland, Ohio. With experience in academic counseling and clinical supervision, Klare received her Master of Social Work from the Virginia Commonwealth University in 1983. She also holds a 2-Year Post-Graduate Certificate from the Gestalt Institute of Cleveland, as well as certification in Family Therapy, Supervision, Mediation, and Trauma Recovery and Treatment (EMDR).
    Klare Heston, LCSW
    Licensed Social Worker
    Expert Answer
    It is different if your boyfriend or you are quiet or shy, or if you have nothing in common to talk about. Sometimes couples feel that way when there are problems that they have not acknowledged. Pay attention and sort it out.
    Thanks! We're glad this was helpful.
    Thank you for your feedback.
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      Tips

      • Reflect on your own needs. If you need to talk as a way to feel connected yet your boyfriend doesn’t feel the same way, you may need to evaluate whether you want to be with him.
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      • If you keep forcing him/her to talk, you will probably push them away. Give them time to talk (they matter too).
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      References

      1. ↑ https://www.bhf.org.uk/informationsupport/heart-matters-magazine/wellbeing/how-to-talk-about-health-problems/active-listening
      2. ↑ https://www.forbes.com/sites/johnhall/2013/08/18/13-simple-ways-you-can-have-more-meaningful-conversations/#3a58f3024fe9
      3. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-attraction-doctor/201703/how-build-rewarding-romantic-relationship
      4. ↑ https://psyche.co/guides/how-to-have-more-meaningful-conversations
      5. ↑ https://psyche.co/guides/how-to-have-more-meaningful-conversations
      6. ↑ https://www.forbes.com/sites/johnhall/2013/08/18/13-simple-ways-you-can-have-more-meaningful-conversations/#3a58f3024fe9
      7. ↑ Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSW. Relationship Counselor. Expert Interview. 11 June 2020.
      8. ↑ http://www.succeedsocially.com/shytalk
      9. ↑ Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSW. Relationship Counselor. Expert Interview. 11 June 2020.
      1. ↑ https://greatergood.berkeley.edu/video/item/how_to_build_trust
      2. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/your-zesty-self/201109/four-steps-developing-patience

      About This Article

      Article Summary X

      If your boyfriend’s not the most talkative person, there are ways you can encourage him to open up to you. Ask him about things he’s passionate about, like his favorite sport or video game. When he shares something with you, show him gratitude by saying something like, “That’s awesome. I love that about you.” Stick to open-ended questions to encourage more detailed answered. For example, instead of asking if his brother’s nice, say, “What’s your brother like?” You can also do an activity your boyfriend likes, such as playing a game or watching a movie so you have more things to talk about. Don’t take it personally if he’s slow to open up to you. He probably just needs more time to get comfortable with you. For more tips from our co-author, including how to build your boyfriend’s trust, read on!

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