How to Deal with a Toxic Mother in Law

Written by Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSW | Edited by Nihal Shetty

Last Updated: May 28, 2022 Fact Checked

Family is never easy, and if you’re dealing with a toxic mother-in-law, you’re probably wondering how you can fix this relationship, or at the very least keep yourself out of harm’s way. Many marriages come under a lot of stress from in-laws, and we’re here to help you get through this challenge. We’ll walk you through some tips on identifying a toxic relationship, trying to repair your relationship with your mother-in-law, and mitigating the damage if things just aren’t working out.

This article is based on an interview with our licensed psychotherapist, Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSW. Check out the full interview here.

1

Recognize the signs of a toxic mother-in-law.

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Toxic mother-in-laws aren’t just difficult people—they harm you. Think about your mother-in-law’s patterns of behavior, and take stock of which ones are unacceptable. By clarifying the state of the relationship to yourself, you can get a clearer-eyed view of what needs to change. Take a look through some of the following signs of a toxic relationship, and see if you can recognize your own relationship in them: ^{[1]
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- Always feeling down or empty after every interaction
- Never being enough, no matter how much you invest into the relationship
- Being accused of being the ‘aggressor’ when you try to clear the air
- An inability to keep information about you private
- Constantly insulting, demeaning, or bullying you
- Demanding unreasonable expectations out of you
- Telling you that you aren’t good enough for your spouse
- Using your children as a weapon against you

2

Ask your mother-in-law how you can build a better relationship.

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Being proactive about your relationship is the best way to address issues. Before distancing yourself from your mother-in-law, it’s worth seeing if the relationship can still be salvaged. Allowing your mother-in-law to address any concerns she might have in your relationship can help you move toward better communication. ^{[2]
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Expert Source

Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSW
Psychotherapist

Expert Interview. 27 October 2021.}
- Try saying something to your mother-in-law like, “I know there’s been some tension recently between us. What can I do to make you feel more comfortable? ^{[3]
 X
 Expert Source
 
 Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSW
 Psychotherapist
 
 Expert Interview. 27 October 2021.}
- There’s a difference between a reasonable and an unreasonable request. If your mother-in-law takes this as an opportunity to humiliate you or says abusive things to you, it’s OK to cut the conversation short and consider distancing yourself from the relationship. ^{[4]
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3

Cultivate an individual relationship with your mother-in-law.

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If you can push yourself to do it, ask your mother-in-law out to lunch one-on-one. Sometimes, an in-law’s bad behavior might be triggered by their feelings of protectiveness over their child. By forming your own relationship with your mother-in-law, independent of your spouse, you may be able to bond with her and repair your relationship. ^{[5]
X
Expert Source

Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSW
Psychotherapist

Expert Interview. 27 October 2021.}
- Bring this up to your mother-in-law by saying something like, “I want to have a closer relationship with you—how about we meet at that restaurant by your house for lunch on Saturday?” ^{[6]
 X
 Expert Source
 
 Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSW
 Psychotherapist
 
 Expert Interview. 27 October 2021.}

4

Use I-statements when addressing your mother-in-law.

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Blaming your mother-in-law can cause her to become defensive. Instead of telling her the things she’s done wrong, let her know that she is important to you, but that you have felt hurt by her in the past. Use I-statements to talk about your feelings, rather than make accusations about the kind of person she is. For example, you might say something like: ^{[7]
X
Expert Source

Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSW
Psychotherapist

Expert Interview. 27 October 2021.}
- “I feel humiliated when you say I need to be a better wife. I’m trying my best, and we have a strong marriage.”
- “I feel frustrated when you talk to your friends about issues in my marriage. I really want to trust you, but it makes me uncomfortable to think that our conversations aren’t private.”
- “I feel hurt when you say that I’m not a good father. I’m working on raising our daughter the best way I know how, and I don’t think that kind of comment is helpful.”

5

Have your spouse take charge.

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At the end of the day, your in-laws are your spouse’s responsibility. If you’re finding your mother-in-law to be impossible to deal with after your best efforts, let your spouse know that they’ll need to be the key point of contact between you and her. When you have pressure from your in-laws, having a united front with your spouse is more important than ever. ^{[8]
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- Try not to get angry at your spouse for the behavior of their parents. You should expect solidarity from them when you’re being attacked, but keep in mind that they aren’t responsible for their mother’s behavior.
- Harshly criticizing your mother-in-law can cause your spouse to become protective of them. Focus on how your mother-in-law makes you feel using I-statements, rather than calling her names.
- If issues with your in-laws are threatening your marriage, seek out marriage counseling. This is a problem that you and your spouse can work through together, and having a professional support you is a great source of help.
- Tell your spouse you need more support by suggesting something like, “I love you, and I’m excited that we’re a part of each other’s families. But you know that your mom and I have been having issues. Can we work through this together? It makes me uncomfortable to say, but I need your support here.”