How to Enforce Boundaries

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Strong boundaries are an important part of every healthy relationship, whether it’s between romantic partners, friends, family members, or even coworkers and casual acquaintances. But enforcing those boundaries can be tricky. If you’re not sure how to make your boundaries stick, read on—we’ll give you some helpful tips, like how to set realistic consequences for when someone crosses your limits.

1

Create clear and specific boundaries.

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    Write down your boundaries as specifically as possible, so you’ll have a better idea of where to draw the line with other people in your life. Figuring out the details ahead of time makes it easier to communicate your boundaries to other people. [1] [2]
    • For instance, if you’re setting boundaries in a romantic relationship, you could write something like, “I’m comfortable talking about my past relationships in a general way, but I won’t answer a lot of detailed questions about things I did with my exes.”
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2

Explain boundaries in a straightforward way.

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    Any time you set a new boundary with someone, be assertive and state it to them in clear, specific terms. [3] Be ready to answer questions or clarify what you mean if they don’t understand.
    • For example, “I’m not comfortable talking about my love life with you. Please stop asking me personal questions about my dating history.” Or, “I don’t appreciate you yelling at me. If you’re upset with me, just explain without raising your voice.”
    • Clarifying your boundaries can be helpful, but you don’t need to justify them. If you tell someone you're uncomfortable talking about something, you don’t owe them a detailed explanation about why that is. Just say, “That’s personal, and I’d prefer not to talk about it.”
3

State the consequences for crossing boundaries.

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    When you set a boundary, it helps to let the other person know what will happen if they cross it. [4] Be as specific as possible. Avoid setting repercussions that are vague, unrealistic, or out of proportion to the boundary violation.
    • You might say, “Dad, you know I don’t like it when you make comments about my weight. If you do that again, I’m going to go home.”
    • If you’re setting boundaries with your child, don’t say, “If you keep pestering me to get you this toy, I’m never buying you anything again!” Instead, try something like, “I’ve told you we can’t buy any new toys today and we have to wait until next week. If you keep asking, you won’t be able to get one then, either.”
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4

Be consistent with boundaries.

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    If you don’t stay on top of your boundaries, other people are more likely to keep crossing them. Once you set a boundary, do your best to stick to it and always carry out the consequences you’ve stated. [5]
    • For example, maybe you’ve asked a coworker to stop making inappropriate jokes at work. If you laugh it off sometimes and ask them to stop other times, they’ll be much less likely to stop.
    • If you’re setting boundaries in a group situation, such as your family or workplace, make sure everyone understands the boundaries and agrees to be consistent about enforcing them. For instance, if you have a rule that your child can’t eat candy before supper, make sure your spouse, their siblings, and their grandparents all agree not to give them candy.
5

Stand your ground if the person resists.

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    Whether it’s a family member, a friend, or a coworker, other people in your life may take it personally when you set boundaries with them. They might get angry or sad, or they may even intentionally try to push your boundaries to see what they can get away with. [6] If this happens, be firm and calmly remind them of your boundary and the consequences if they cross it.
    • Say something like, “I understand that you’re upset, but I need you to respect my wishes. I’m not going to tolerate that kind of behavior from now on.”
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6

Reassure loved ones if their feelings are hurt.

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    Setting boundaries with someone you care about can be especially difficult. If the person’s feelings are hurt, remind them that you care about them and that the boundaries are meant to help your relationship—not damage it. [7]
    • For instance, say something like, “Our friendship means so much to me, and I really don’t want anything to damage that. But your behavior lately has been very stressful for me, and I need it to change if we’re going to keep spending time together.”
7

Stay calm if someone crosses the line.

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    Take a slow, deep breath before you speak. If you need to, step away from the situation for a few minutes so you can calm down and plan what you want to say. The other person will be more likely to listen if you keep your cool and they don’t feel the need to defend themselves. [8]
    • Use “I” language so that they don’t feel attacked. For example, instead of, “You’re being extremely rude, and you need to stop doing that right now!” try something like, “I feel very uncomfortable when you do that. Please stop.”
    • People tend to mirror the emotions and behaviors of others. If you stay calm, you’re more likely to have a productive conversation. [9]
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8

Give gentle reminders if people forget.

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    While that can be frustrating, it’s totally normal and expected. [10] Think of it as an ongoing conversation with the other person that will help keep your relationship healthy. [11] If someone slips up and crosses your boundaries, calmly but firmly remind them—and don’t forget to enforce the consequences if they keep doing it.
    • For example, you might need to say something like, “Hey, I know we’re both upset, but we agreed not to call each other names during an argument—remember?”
9

Introduce new boundaries gradually.

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    Don’t overwhelm someone with a bunch of new boundaries all at once, or expect them to make a sudden, major change in their behavior out of the blue. Instead, start small and gradually expand or modify your boundaries as needed. [12] [13]
    • For example, if your SO is being really clingy and insecure, you might start by setting a rule that they can only check in with you once while you’re out with friends unless it’s an emergency. From there, you can always add more rules, like “I need half an hour to myself to relax after I get home from work.”
    • You can also redefine boundaries that aren’t working for whatever reason. People and relationships change, so it makes sense for your boundaries to change with them. They’re not set in stone!
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10

Be patient with yourself and others.

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    You’ll probably forget to enforce your boundaries sometimes, or give in on occasion when someone is being aggressive or pushy. If that happens, don’t be mad at yourself or give up on trying to enforce the boundary. Just make note of it and set an intention to do better next time. If another person forgets and crosses the line, remind them about boundary in a gentle, non-accusing way. Remember that old habits can be very hard to change, even for people with the best of intentions! [14]
    • Being compassionate with yourself will ultimately make it easier for you to enforce your boundaries. Gently remind yourself that you deserve respect and that your boundaries are there to help you and improve your relationships with others. [15]
    • Speak up if the old rules aren't working. Take a pause, reflect, and don't be afraid to create new boundaries. [16]
11

Cut off contact if necessary.

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    If someone in your life consistently pushes or violates your boundaries and makes no effort to change their behavior, try to limit your interactions with them as much as possible. That kind of behavior is toxic and can even be abusive. [17]
    • For example, if an acquaintance refuses to stop posting rude things on your wall on Facebook even after you’ve asked them, it’s totally okay to block and unfriend them.
    • Remember, everyone deserves to have their boundaries respected! It can be really hard to break ties with someone you care about, but you’ll ultimately be healthier and happier if you don’t tolerate intentionally disrespectful or toxic behavior.
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      References

      1. ↑ Allison Broennimann, PhD. Clinical Psychologist. Expert Interview. 29 December 2020.
      2. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/constructive-wallowing/201604/3-essential-ways-protect-your-personal-boundaries
      3. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/constructive-wallowing/201604/3-essential-ways-protect-your-personal-boundaries
      4. ↑ https://www.helpguide.org/articles/mental-disorders/helping-someone-with-borderline-personality-disorder.htm#
      5. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/happiness-in-world/201305/the-importance-maintaining-consistent-boundaries
      6. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/prescriptions-life/201304/if-you-set-boundary-expect-deal-anger
      7. ↑ https://www.helpguide.org/articles/mental-disorders/helping-someone-with-borderline-personality-disorder.htm#
      8. ↑ https://www.forbes.com/sites/forbescoachescouncil/2020/01/31/five-ways-to-set-boundaries-with-toxic-people/?sh=21136f02d02c
      9. ↑ https://kidshelpline.com.au/teens/issues/being-assertive-and-setting-boundaries
      1. ↑ Allison Broennimann, PhD. Clinical Psychologist. Expert Interview. 29 December 2020.
      2. ↑ https://www.loveisrespect.org/resources/what-are-my-boundaries/
      3. ↑ Allison Broennimann, PhD. Clinical Psychologist. Expert Interview. 29 December 2020.
      4. ↑ https://psychcentral.com/lib/10-way-to-build-and-preserve-better-boundaries
      5. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/romantically-attached/201608/4-ways-set-and-keep-your-personal-boundaries
      6. ↑ https://psychcentral.com/lib/10-way-to-build-and-preserve-better-boundaries
      7. ↑ Allison Broennimann, PhD. Clinical Psychologist. Expert Interview. 29 December 2020.
      8. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/romantically-attached/201608/4-ways-set-and-keep-your-personal-boundaries

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