How to Get Close to an Introvert

Co-authored by Asa Don Brown, PhD, DNCCM, FAAETS and Hannah Madden

Last Updated: December 19, 2023 References

If you know someone who needs alone time to rest and recharge, then you probably know an introvert. Since introverts are usually a little more soft-spoken and reserved, getting close to them can be kind of tough. Fortunately, there are a few ways you can get an introverted person to open up to you and form a real connection with them over time.

1

Talk to them one-on-one.

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Introverts appreciate a private conversation. You probably won’t get much out of an introvert if you try to talk to them in a group setting. Instead, take them out for coffee or buy them a drink, just the two of you. ^{[1]
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- If you’re at a party or a group gathering together, try splitting off from the main crowd and heading somewhere a little quieter to talk.

2

Give them notice before making plans.

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Let your introverted friend prepare for a meetup. Instead of texting them 20 minutes before you show up at their door, invite them out the day before so they know it’s coming. They’ll appreciate the heads up, and you’ll get to spend more time with them. ^{[2]
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- Similarly, you should try to let them know if you’re inviting other people or not. Introverts often need a little bit of prep time if they’re going to meet new people or hang out in a large crowd.

3

Spend quality time together.

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Most introverts appreciate activities where you can be alone. Instead of spending all your time together in a group, try to plan activities where you two can really connect with each other. Go places on your own where there aren’t a ton of people around so you can talk deeply. ^{[3]
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- Even just spending time together while you read or go on the computer can count as quality time for an introvert.
- Reader Poll: We asked 912 wikiHow readers who've had a close introvert friend, and 74% of them agreed that the best way to get close to an introvert is by getting to know them as a friend first. [Take Poll]

4

Do things that interest them.

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Hobbies help introverts rest and recharge. As you get to know your introverted friend more, try to do things with them that interest them. If they’re into gardening, go over to their house and help them pull weeds. If they love to write, read a few of their rough drafts and compliment them. ^{[4]
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- Try to listen to your introverted friend whenever they tell you about their interests, too. They’ll appreciate that you’re listening attentively!

5

Open up to them first.

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Eventually, they’ll open up to you, too. Some introverts have a tough time telling others about themselves. Get the ball rolling by letting them in on a funny story from your past or a little secret you’ve been keeping. ^{[5]
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- Instead of saying, “So, how was your day?” Try leading with something like, “My day was insane! My boss got fired and we had to scramble to cover all her work. How was your day? Anything crazy happen?”

6

Ask them open-ended questions.

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Pick questions that they can’t answer with “yes” or “no.” It will get them talking and keep the conversation flowing naturally. Plus, you might even get to hear a little more about their life. ^{[6]
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- For instance, instead of saying, “Do you like your job?” try, “How do you feel about your career path so far?”
- Instead of saying, “Do you like living in the city?” try, “If you could live anywhere in the world, where would it be?”

7

Try not to talk over them.

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Introverts are often great listeners, but not great talkers. If your introverted friend has something to say, really listen and take it into account. Introverts usually think long and hard about what they’re going to say next, so chances are, it’s important. ^{[7]
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- You might even have to ask something like, “What do you think?” to get them talking.
- Try to give them ample time to answer questions. Introverted people might take a few seconds to pause and think about something before they speak.

8

Introduce them to your friends slowly.

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Being introduced to your friends can be overwhelming for introverts. If you want to make an introvert feel more comfortable, try meeting new people together. You can join a club, try out a new hobby, or mingle with people at a bar to make new friends who don’t know either of you. ^{[8]
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- It’s totally fine to introduce an introverted person to your friends and family members. Just try to go slowly, and don’t introduce them to everyone all at once.

9

Check in to see if they’re overwhelmed.

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Crowded places can be a little intimidating for introverts. If you’re at a party or a concert and your introverted friend suddenly goes quiet, check in to see if they’re okay. They might need to step outside or to the bathroom for a quick breather before diving back into the party. ^{[9]
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- They’ll appreciate you checking in on them, which will probably make you two feel closer.

10

Let them be silent if they need to be.

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Silence doesn’t necessarily mean anything is wrong. Some introverts go quiet when they’re just listening or thinking about what to say next. Allow yourself to be comfortable with the moments of silence. Instead of saying, “are you okay?” every time they take a pause, let them break the silence when they’re ready. ^{[10]
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- An introverted person will probably feel grateful that you don’t push them to talk when they don’t want to.

11

Give them space when they need it.

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Many introverts need time to recharge after social interaction. If you two just went to a party or a big gathering, give your introverted friend some alone time if they need it. When they’re ready to hang out again, they’ll come to you. ^{[11]
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- Different people need different amounts of alone time. Some people only need a few hours, while other people need a few days to recharge.

12

Understand if they just need to stay home.

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It doesn’t mean they don’t like you, it just means they’re tired. Different introverted people need different amounts of alone time to rest and recharge. If you’ve been hanging out with your introverted friend a lot, don’t take it personally if they tell you they need some time away from you. Chances are, when you see them again, they’ll be rested and happy to hang out. ^{[12]
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- Many introverted people understand that it’s frustrating to hear a “no thanks” over and over. Your introverted friend will appreciate it if you don’t get mad at them for taking care of their own needs.

Expert Q&A

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Question

How do you interact with an introvert?

Asa Don Brown, PhD, DNCCM, FAAETS
Clinical Psychologist
Dr. Asa Don Brown is a Clinical Psychologist with over 25 years of experience. He specializes in working with families, children, and couples, treating a variety of psychological disorders, trauma, and abuse. Dr. Brown has specialized in negotiation and profiling. He is also a prolific author having published three books and numerous articles in magazines, journals, and popular publications. Dr. Brown earned a BS in Theology and Religion with a minor in Marketing and an MS in Counseling with a specialization in Marriage and Family from The University of Great Falls. Furthermore, he received a PhD in Psychology with a specialization in Clinical Psychology from Capella University. He is also a candidate for a Masters of Liberal Arts through Harvard University. Dr. Brown is a Fellow of the American Academy of Experts in Traumatic Stress and a Diplomate for the National Center for Crisis Management and continues to serve a number of psychological and scientific boards.

Asa Don Brown, PhD, DNCCM, FAAETS

Clinical Psychologist

Expert Answer

You must establish rapport and trust first. As you develop this rapport, you will develop a healthy relationship with this individual. In time, as the relationship naturally develops, you will discover more and more about this individual, which will help your interactions.

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How to Get Close to an Introvert

Steps

Talk to them one-on-one.

Give them notice before making plans.

Spend quality time together.

Do things that interest them.

Open up to them first.

Ask them open-ended questions.

Try not to talk over them.

Introduce them to your friends slowly.

Check in to see if they’re overwhelmed.

Let them be silent if they need to be.

Give them space when they need it.

Understand if they just need to stay home.

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