While it may be considered flattering that someone has a crush on you, if it continues after you've made your lack of interest known, it can be annoying and unwanted. If you've got someone who is crushing on you and rather they just stopped and focused their attention elsewhere, here are some suggestions to help make this happen.
Steps
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Make it absolutely clear that you are not interested. Be polite but be clear and firm that you don't return the feelings for this person. Be kind and let the person know that you appreciate their interest, but don't give in to the person just because you feel sorry for them. If this isn't what you want, then it isn't what you want.
- Say something like: "It's flattering to hear you say such a nice thing to me. However, I am not interested in a relationship right now as I am focused on other things which are important to me."
- Or: "I appreciate your interest in me. I don't feel the same way about you though. I like being friends/classmates but that's all it is to me and that's how I want things to stay."
- Or: "That's kind of you to think of me this way but I'm actually interested in someone else and it wouldn't be fair to you to pretend that I don't have feelings for another person."
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Make it even clearer that you will never be interested in this person. Realize that some people will still hold out a hope that a person may change his or her mind; indeed, much advice about rejection often makes a suggestion to wait patiently for the person to "come around" to their viewpoint. This myth of the value of persistence in relation to changing a person's mind about something so fundamentally uncontrollable can mean that the person with the crush doesn't give up but keeps trying to "win you over", which just makes things worse.
- Make it clear that you don't appreciate any continued attention and will ask someone to intervene if the crush doesn't stop the unwanted attention.
- Say something like: "I have already told you that I am not interested. I am repeating this now because I mean it. I am not and will not ever be interested in dating you. Please respect my decision."
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Put the person off. If you feel as if you need to be unattractive to the person, there are a few behavioral things you can do put the person off. For example:
- Spit on the ground or sniff loudly; pick your nose openly in front of them.
- Make snorting noises when you laugh near them.
- Eat in a messy and ill-mannered way if you're having a meal with them. Or, talk to them with food in your mouth.
- Eat garlic or something else that is pungent, then talk to them with foul breath. Get close for a stinky whisper in the ear.
- Curse in this person's presence if they're the sort to find this offensive.
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Be annoying whenever the person crushing on you is around. Hum the Nyan Cat theme loudly and constantly. Chew bubble gum and blow large bubbles that pop loudly around them. Tell jokes that are meant for elementary school level and laugh really loudly. Answer fake calls when this person tries to talk to you, or text while they're talking to you.
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Ignore the person. If they persist after you've rejected the person crushing on you, cut all communications for a time. Don't initiate conversation, don't greet the person and deliberately go away from them if they come near you. Look away if they try to make eye contact with you. Avoid talking to them or looking at them during group conversations.
- Don't reply to notes, texts, IMs or emails that this person sends you.
- Don't send Valentine's, holiday or other cards to this person, not even if they have sent you one.
- If you get paired with them for a class project, only talk about the project and what needs doing. If they try to talk personally, ignore it and only discuss the project. When class is over, avoid the person.
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Tell your friends to not make things worse. Don't allow your friends to tease you about this person or to suggest that you'd make a good couple. If they start this sort of teasing, no matter how good-natured, tell them with no uncertainty that they are not helping and that you are serious about not wanting to reciprocate the crush's intentions. Ask them to be supportive and to not undermine your strong front to help the crush realize that you really mean it when you say you're not interested. Your friends should get the message.
- Tell your friends that you're worried that this person might stalk you or try to pressure you if he or she isn't clear that you're not interested. Ask them to be on the lookout for such negative behaviors and your friends will soon be more interested in supportive sleuthing than joking about it.
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Get yourself a boyfriend or girlfriend if this is what you want. If the reason you're not interested in this person crushing on you is because you're genuinely interested in someone else, see what you can do to turn that into a reality. It's fairly evident then to a persistent crush that you're not going to be interested in them. However, be careful using this as a "solution", as the person crushing on you may simply "wait it out", hoping to pick up the pieces when your relationship fails. Hence, this isn't the best way to solve the problem of a persistent crush.
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Get on with your life. Don't let the person crushing on you waste your time and interfere with you getting on with your life. Keep doing what you wish to do and let this person see that their interest in you isn't curtailing your usual routine. Eventually, most persons will get over their crush and find someone more suitable. It's a healthy lesson for everyone involved.
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Expert Q&A
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QuestionHow do you tell a guy you like him only as a friend?Alysha Jeney is a Licensed Relationship Therapist, the Owner of Modern Love Counseling, and the Co-Founder of The Modern Love Box. She specializes in relationship therapy, intimacy building, and existential exploration. Alysha holds a BA in Psychology from The Metropolitan State University of Denver and an MA in Marriage and Family Therapy/Counseling from Regis University. She has been featured in publications such as The Washington Post and The Huffington Post.If you are friends and he is interested in seeing you in a romantic way, but you are not, have an honest conversation. First, tell him that you appreciate it and validate how much bravery it took for them to tell you. And then explain to them why you are attracted to them in a friendly way, and maybe discuss some of the things about your friendship that are really important to you. Let him know that you don't want to compromise your friendship by crossing that boundary, and just kind of reiterate the things that you really love about your relationship as it is.
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Tips
- The best thing you can do is to make it clear in a kind and polite way that you're not interested. Let the crush down gently but permanently.Thanks
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Warnings
- If you are being stalked, threatened or harmed in any way by the person crushing on you, seek help from trusted authority figures immediately.Thanks
- Some people do not take no for answer. They have an unreasonable belief that persistence is rewarded. This might be a good attitude for getting a job or a savings goal but it's unacceptable with respect to a human being who has made it clear that he or she is not interested. If the person crushing on you lacks such respect, talk to someone you trust in authority and get some advice.Thanks
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Reader Success Stories
- "The sentences helped to just say that, then he backed off!"
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"The sentences helped to just say that, then he backed off!"
