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Is your adult child toxic? And if they are…what do you do about it?
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Not getting along with your child can ruin your day, whether they’re 6 or a full-grown adult. But sometimes conflicts with adult children can feel like more than just a bad day or a minor clash—sometimes they’re indicative of a larger problem with your dynamic. So, how do you know if your relationship with your adult child is toxic? And if it is…what can you do to fix it? We’ve created a guide to understanding the root cause of your damaged relationship with your child, as well as steps to take to try to resolve the problem and bring you peace.
Things You Should Know
- Your relationship with your adult child may be toxic if they constantly insult or manipulate you, disrespect your boundaries, or blame you for everything.
- Setting strong boundaries or seeking therapy may help you handle your relationship with your child.
- In extreme cases, if your child refuses to respect your boundaries, it may be necessary to cut them off.
Steps
Section 1 of 4:
Signs Your Adult Child May Be Toxic
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They criticize you constantly. “You’re so selfish.” “You’re a terrible parent.” “You’re a horrible person.” If you can’t go one visit with your adult child without them criticizing or insulting you, your relationship may be toxic.- If your child seems to view you as a "second-class citizen" to themselves, they may suffer from narcissism.
- Keep in mind that offering critique or voicing negative feelings about you or your parenting doesn’t necessarily count as “criticism.” Personal attacks, especially if they’re constant, are signs of a toxic and potentially emotionally abusive relationship.
- For example, if your child calmly says, "Sometimes it feels like nothing I do is good enough for you, and it really hurts," this may be an opportunity for you both to discuss your relationship and grow closer together.
- On the other hand, if they snap, "You're the worst parent in the world!" this would constitute criticism: it doesn't open the door for calm, sensitive discussion; in fact, it shuts down any possibility of real connection.
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They don’t respect your boundaries. Healthy relationships are founded on respect of personal boundaries. If you try to put up strict boundaries with your child and they consistently push against them, it’s a sign they don’t respect you or your needs, and your relationship with them is likely toxic.- For example, if your child asks you to babysit their kids and you say you can't, they may push against that boundary rather than accepting your right to turn them down. If you say you can babysit for a couple of hours, they may insist on leaving their kids at your house all day. Whatever boundary you try to enact, they'll press against it.
- Your child’s failure to respect your boundaries may result in physical and emotional symptoms for you, including tightness in the chest, irritability, forgetfulness, headaches, and even increased risk of alcoholism or substance abuse.
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They blame you for everything. You’re a human being, and you no doubt made at least a few mistakes parenting your child. But if your child blames you for everything wrong in their life and insists on “playing the victim” all the time, it’s a sign they haven’t learned how to take accountability for their own actions. [1] X Research source- Some of their blame may be valid and worth discussing with you so you can both grow past it. But if they blame you for everything, it’s a sign they’re using you as a scapegoat to avoid taking responsibility for their life.
- Adult children who refuse to accept responsibility for their own lives may try to insist they got fired, got dumped, or made an unwise financial decision because of you—the way you raised them, something you did while they were growing up, your failure to love them "enough," etc.
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They’re manipulative. A toxic adult child will often employ manipulative tactics to get what they want from you. They may become passive-aggressive to coerce you into giving them what they want, or they may give you the cold shoulder if you ever say “no” to them. [2] X Research source- What your child wants will differ from case to case: they may want money or material goods, or they may just feel powerful being a bully.
- For instance, if your child asks for money and you tell them no, they may try to persuade you to give it to them by crying or insisting that they really need it, but making you out to seem like a bad parent for withholding it, or by simply ignoring you until you give in.
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Section 2 of 4:
How to Handle a Toxic Relationship with Your Adult Child
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Set boundaries. Setting healthy boundaries with your child can help make your relationship less toxic. [3] X Research source This may involve limiting the amount of time you spend with your child, refusing to talk about certain subjects, or letting them know that if they begin to insult you, manipulate you, or become aggressive, you’ll walk away from the interaction.- If you know long visits tend to end in a screaming match, try to shorten your visits to prevent either of you from becoming tired, overwhelmed, or stressed out.
- If they insult you, say, “I’m not going to tolerate that. I’ll talk to you later,” and walk away.
- If they try to bring up a subject you don’t want to discuss, say, “I’d prefer not to talk about that. But we can talk about something else—how’s work going?”
- You may crave a close and intimate connection with your child, but it might be necessary to reevaluate that desire. To keep the peace, you may need to maintain a little distance.
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Take accountability for any role you may play. Some toxic parent-child relationships are the fault of the child, but in order to achieve as healthy and peaceful a relationship as possible, it’s important to evaluate your role in the dynamic. It’s possible that you may be contributing to a harmful relationship, even unknowingly. If you suspect you may be at least partly responsible, try to take responsibility for your actions by apologizing to your child and offering to calmly discuss the matter with them so you can both try to heal.- Ask yourself these questions about your behavior, and be honest:
- Do you ever dismiss your child’s concerns or shut them down when they try to talk about their feelings?
- Do you ever cross your child’s boundaries? Do you feel entitled to violate their privacy?
- Do you have high expectations for your child? Have they ever told you your expectations are too high?
- Has your child ever accused you of being manipulative or controlling?
- If you answered “yes” to any of these questions, it doesn’t necessarily indicate you’re a toxic or abusive parent or that you’re wholly responsible for the rift in your relationship, but it may suggest the situation is more nuanced than it initially seemed.
- Ask yourself these questions about your behavior, and be honest:
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Have a support system. If you’re constantly being attacked by your adult child, it can take a real toll on your mental and emotional health. It’s important to have a support system in your corner, such as reliable friends and other family members. Communicate the situation to at least a couple trusted people in your support system so that they know what’s going on.- Let someone in your support group know when you’re about to see your child so that they can check in on you afterward. Maybe even bring someone from your support system with you when you see them to act as a buffer.
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Take care of yourself. A toxic relationship can be incredibly emotionally and physically taxing. Try not to dwell too much on your relationship with your child when you're not with them (although this may be very hard). It can be devastating not to feel like you’ve got a healthy relationship with your kid, but obsessing over it can make things even worse. When you’re not with your child, be sure to prioritize self-care : exercise , eat nourishing food , and take time for relaxing hobbies or activities that make you feel like yourself.- Consider making it a habit to always do something just for you after spending time with your child. This may help you unwind and get your mind off things if the visit doesn’t go well.
EXPERT TIPMarriage & Family TherapistMoshe Ratson is the Executive Director of spiral2grow Marriage & Family Therapy, a coaching and therapy clinic in New York City. Moshe is an International Coach Federation accredited Professional Certified Coach (PCC). He received his MS in Marriage and Family Therapy from Iona College. Moshe is a clinical member of the American Association of Marriage and Family Therapy (AAMFT), and a member of the International Coach Federation (ICF).Taking care of yourself isn't selfish: it's essential. That's why it's so important to make time for healthy activities, like exercise, hobbies, and relaxation. It's easier to create a positive environment at home when your own self-care needs are met.
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Seek therapy. A licensed therapist can help you work through your problems with your child. You may even consider seeing a family therapist with your child, if your child is willing to go. In a therapy setting and with the help of a professional counselor, you may both find it easier to talk through your issues and find peace. [4] X Research source- If your child has a mental health condition, try to research as much as you can about it to better understand where they’re coming from and how to deal with their behavior.
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Cut them off. Estrangement is a last resort here, but it’s a valid one for many parents. If you’re unable to maintain a peaceful relationship with your child, or you find that their behavior is taking too serious a toll on the rest of your life, it may be worth considering estranging yourself from them, even if only for a time.- You don’t have to cut them off all the way: it may help to go low-contact with your child and see how it goes. Seeing them less often may improve your relationship enough that you don’t need to cut them out of your life.
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Section 3 of 4:
Common Causes of a Toxic Parent-Child Relationship
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The parent has unfair expectations. Sometimes parent-child relationships become toxic because the child feels they are being held to unfair expectations. They may feel they must behave or identify a certain way or hold to the same political, religious, or cultural beliefs and traditions as their parents. [5] X Trustworthy Source PubMed Central Journal archive from the U.S. National Institutes of Health Go to source- Even if the parent doesn’t expect their child to behave in a specific way, conflicting values, such as political differences, can lead to major tension between both parties.
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The child wants (or needs) money. Money is, unfortunately, a pretty common reason for a toxic parent-child relationship. If the child is financially dependent on their parents or feels they are being neglected in their parents’ will, this could result in a rift in the relationship. -
The parent or child struggles with mental illness. If a parent or their adult child struggles with mental illness, such as narcissism or bipolar, it can drastically affect their relationship if it’s not properly managed. If you suspect you or your child is suffering from an undiagnosed mental health condition, reach out to a therapist to explore treatment options. -
The child experienced abuse during their upbringing. If the child endured some form of toxic or abusive treatment in their early years, they may carry some resentment towards their parent into their adulthood. If the situation is not addressed so that the child can heal from what occurred, their adult relationship with their parent may be fraught. [6] X Research source- The child may not even have suffered abuse from the parent: they may have experienced abuse or toxic behavior from another family member, friend, or authority figure and "blame" their parent for "letting it happen."
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Expert Interview
Thanks for reading our article! If you’d like to learn more about toxic relationships, check out our in-depth interview with Jay Reid, LPCC .
References
- ↑ https://www.med.unc.edu/beacon/wp-content/uploads/sites/598/2018/03/redflagabusivepersonality.pdf
- ↑ https://www.domesticshelters.org/articles/children-and-domestic-violence/what-to-do-if-your-teen-or-adult-child-is-abusive
- ↑ https://psychcentral.com/blog/whats-a-toxic-person-how-do-you-deal-with-one
- ↑ https://www.domesticshelters.org/articles/children-and-domestic-violence/what-to-do-if-your-teen-or-adult-child-is-abusive
- ↑ https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC2690709/
- ↑ https://www.domesticshelters.org/articles/children-and-domestic-violence/what-to-do-if-your-teen-or-adult-child-is-abusive
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