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Plus, tips to make the process as smooth as possible
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Breakups can be tough, especially when you realize you've left important belongings with your ex. While the process can be tricky to navigate, there are definitely ways to minimize the pain and make the process go smoothly. In this article, we'll explain how to get your stuff back from your ex with the help of psychologists, matchmakers, a life coach, and various relationship experts.
How to Get Your Stuff Back From Your Ex
Wait until you’ve calmed down a bit from the breakup before picking up your stuff. When you're ready, send a brief text asking if you can come get your stuff. Then, determine a time that works best for both of you. Head over to grab your stuff, make small talk if necessary, then leave.
Steps
Section 1 of 4:
How to Get Your Stuff Back After a Breakup
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Wait until you're calm. Relationship coach Amy Chan says it's best to wait at least a few days after the breakup so you'll have time to process things and get your emotions under control. Once you’ve given yourself a few days to grieve the breakup, head over to get your stuff. This way, you can go into the situation in a calmer, more collected fashion.
- Get enough sleep, go out with friends, and spend a day pampering yourself to help yourself feel better.
- Licensed psychologist Sarah Schewitz says getting over a partner looks different for everyone. It may take you longer to calm down if the breakup was recent or the relationship lasted for a long time.
- Don't wait too long. It's best to retrieve your things within a couple of weeks of the breakup.
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Send a text. A phone call can get messy and emotional, so send a text with a simple message to keep your composure. For example, text something like, "I still have some things at your place. Is there a good time to come over and pick them up?" [1] X Research source
- You may have to call if your ex does not return your texts after a few days. Try to keep the call brief and concise.
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Schedule a time to pick up your things. Your ex may prefer not to be there when you pick up your stuff, so you may want to stop by while they're at work or out of the house. If your ex wants to be present , however, find a time that works for both of your schedules.
- Be as agreeable as possible, even if it's painful. Petty arguments often surface after breakups due to lingering emotions, so remind yourself to remain composed, especially if you get angry.
- If you're having a hard time scheduling a pick-up time, see if your smaller items can be mailed to you.
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Only discuss the essentials and avoid talking about the breakup. When negotiating when to come over, stick to discussing the essentials and only talk about the things you need to grab. You don't want to trigger an argument about the breakup. Try to communicate in 5 minutes or less to prevent you or your ex from becoming emotional. [2] X Research source
- Say something like, "What would be a good time to come get my stuff?" and ask any questions you have (i.e., "Can I let myself in or do you want to be there when I come over?").
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Let your ex know whether you want them to pack your stuff or not. If you're not comfortable with your ex touching your things, let them know you're happy to box everything up yourself. However, if you don't mind, you can have them box up your items to speed up the process.
- Make sure you're respectful when asking your ex to box up your items. Say something like, "Is there any way you could gather my things for me so we can get through this quickly & smoothly?"
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Enlist the help of a friend. If you don't want to go over alone, have a friend help you. This can also be useful if you left any big items, like electronics, at your ex's place. If you had an extremely messy breakup, a trusted friend can even agree to retrieve items for you so you don’t have to interact with your ex in person. [3] X Research source
- Make sure you pick the right friend to help. A friend who's prone to drama may be tempted to start a fight with your ex. Instead, opt for a friend who's generally cool and composed, even in stressful situations.
- If your ex is giving you a really hard time about retrieving your stuff, contact a friend or family member of your ex that you are on good terms with. They may be willing to help you.
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Make small talk, if necessary. If your ex is present when you're over, it's best to minimize conversation. If you want to be pleasant, stick to small talk and simple questions rather than bringing up any major issues. [4] X Research source Life coach Christina Jay says that if the relationship ended on a friendly basis, keep the conversation short and polite, then move on with your day.
- For example, ask, "How's work?" or make a comment on the weather.
- Avoid open questions and topics that could yield negative answers. For example, asking how your ex has been doing may lead to them talking about their difficulty with the breakup. They may act fine to hurt your feelings.
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Try not to linger. It can be hard to let go, and you may be tempted to linger at your ex's place and make a lengthy goodbye. Focus on the fact you're there to get your stuff and not address any lingering issues with your ex. As soon as you get through the door, start gathering your things and leave as soon as you finish.
- If you want to say a goodbye before you go, keep it brief. Now is not the time to drag up lingering resentments or talk over the relationship. Say something like, "I'm going to take off now. I hope you're doing okay."
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Make more trips, if necessary. If the two of you lived together, or if you simply left a lot at their place, you may have to make more trips. Grab the necessary essentials, like clothing, on the first trip. Then, before leaving, figure out when you can come back to get the rest of your stuff.
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Keep physical contact to a minimum. You want to keep things as uncomplicated as possible, and physical contact after a breakup can get confusing. Avoid things like prolonged hugs, hand-holding, and cuddling. If your ex offers a hug or another form of contact, keep it as brief as possible. If you’re uncomfortable and want to safely reject him , matchmaker Erika Kaplan says to be direct, look them in the eye and the contact.
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Section 2 of 4:
How to Deal with Ownership Conflicts
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Make lists prioritizing the items you want to keep. To quell the conflict , agree that each of you will make a list of items you want to keep and rank them items in terms of priority. Place the items you want the most near the top. Keep the items you could live without toward the bottom. [5] X Research source
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Compare your lists and find a compromise. Meet up in a neutral location, like a quiet coffee shop or public park and go over your lists. There will likely be some disagreement, which should be addressed calmly. Discuss the items that you both would like to keep and do your best to come to a compromise for the ones you have a hard time agreeing on. [6] X Research source
- For example, you may have bought a TV together. See if your ex would trade. Maybe you also both really like a particular coffee table, but your ex is a little more attached. Agree to let them have the coffee table if you can have the TV.
- For items you absolutely can't agree on, see if your ex is willing to sell the item and split the money.
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Give pets to the primary caregiver. It's sad to [[let a pet go that you've come to care for, but remember to take the high road and do what's best for the pet. The pet should go to the primary caregiver. Whoever has the most time to care for the pet should take it in the breakup . [7] X Research source
- For example, say you have a dog with your ex. If your job has long and demanding hours, but your ex’s is work-from-home, it makes sense to let them take the dog, as they'll be able to provide it with the most attention and care.
- It can be hard to let go of a pet. If you and your ex are still on good terms, try to have visiting hours with the pet or occasionally meet up at a local dog park.
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Keep gifts, but return sentimental items. It's okay to keep gifts your ex bought for you over the years. If they gave you an item of clothing or household device, that's generally yours to keep. However, if they gave you a sentimental item, like a ring or something that they hold dear, it's best to return it. [8] X Research source
- For example, if your ex gave you their great-grandfather's watch, this should be returned.
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Learn to take the high road. If your ex is yelling at you, being rude, or very difficult, try to be the bigger person. Remember, items can be replaced. It's worth splurging on, say, a new television set if it means ending a prolonged argument and making a clean break from your ex. If your ex won't let go of an item and is unwilling to compromise, let them have their way. [9] X Research source Taking the high road can help when it comes to recovering from a breakup. [10] X Research source
- In some cases, however, you may need to bring in a friend or even a lawyer to mediate. If your ex is insisting on keeping expensive items that you legally own, it may be worth trying to get them back.
- Couples counselor Raffi Bilek says that if your partner is yelling at you, go somewhere else and calm down, then return to the conversation once you have both simmered.
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Section 4 of 4:
Frequently Asked Questions
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1Can I call the police to get my stuff back from an ex? You can go to your local police station and ask if they’ll help you, but they may classify the situation as a civil matter. Since it’s a civil matter, you’d have to sue your ex in court, as police aren’t typically allowed to get involved in civil matters. [13] X Research source
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2Why is my ex holding onto my key? Your ex may have simply forgotten that your key is in their possession. Alternatively, they may be holding onto your key as a way to express that they have power over you. By showing you that they have your key, they’re effectively saying that they have access to your home regardless of whether you want them there or not.
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3How do I get my power back from my ex? Stop caring about what your ex is doing. Avoid checking in on them, looking at their social media, and asking friends about them. Instead, be aware of your thoughts and avoid taking all of them seriously. Focus on pouring into yourself and being in the present with hobbies , self-care , and friends, rather than thinking about them . [14] X Research source
- Schewitz says to focus on yourself by going to therapy and reading personal growth books like Expectation Hangover by Christine Hassler.
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Expert Q&A
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QuestionWhat if we don't talk and I need my stuff?Trudi Griffin is a Licensed Professional Counselor based in Wisconsin. She specializes in addictions, mental health problems, and trauma recovery. She has worked as a counselor in both community health settings and private practice. She also works as a writer and researcher, with education, experience, and compassion for people informing her research and writing subjects. She received Bachelor’s degrees in Communications and Psychology from the University of Wisconsin, Green Bay. She also earned an MS in Clinical Mental Health Counseling from Marquette University.If you aren't on speaking terms with your ex, you may want to enlist the help of a friend or other third party.
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QuestionMy parents gave me furniture, etc. Do I still have to split it with him?Trudi Griffin is a Licensed Professional Counselor based in Wisconsin. She specializes in addictions, mental health problems, and trauma recovery. She has worked as a counselor in both community health settings and private practice. She also works as a writer and researcher, with education, experience, and compassion for people informing her research and writing subjects. She received Bachelor’s degrees in Communications and Psychology from the University of Wisconsin, Green Bay. She also earned an MS in Clinical Mental Health Counseling from Marquette University.Items you brought into the relationship at the beginning are yours to keep. If the furniture was a gift to both of you, then it would be appropriate to split it or somehow make a fair trade.
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Tips
- If you were together for a long time, you may have a lot of belongings at your ex's place. Strive to pick up the items you absolutely can't live without. For example, a favorite outfit or treasured souvenir is more important than a bottle of mouthwash or a container of eye shadow.Thanks
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References
- ↑ https://www.glamour.com/story/8-tips-for-recovering-your-stu
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/splitopia/201506/how-talk-ex
- ↑ http://www.refinery29.com/get-your-clothes-back-after-break-up
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/splitopia/201506/how-talk-ex
- ↑ http://www.esquire.com/lifestyle/sex/a57147/how-to-divide-stuff-after-breakup/
- ↑ http://www.esquire.com/lifestyle/sex/a57147/how-to-divide-stuff-after-breakup/
- ↑ http://www.esquire.com/lifestyle/sex/a57147/how-to-divide-stuff-after-breakup/
- ↑ https://www.glamour.com/story/8-tips-for-recovering-your-stu
- ↑ https://www.glamour.com/story/8-tips-for-recovering-your-stu
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/laugh-cry-live/201208/coping-distress-and-agony-after-break
- ↑ https://youtu.be/-5F6RhkfsfA?si=Z59Z58hMwSZK0EKa&t=144
- ↑ https://www.redfin.com/blog/can-a-landlord-change-the-locks/
- ↑ https://www.nbfl.gov/police-department/faq/why-cant-officers-resolve-or-intervene-civil-matter
- ↑ https://www.hellobreakup.com/blog/how-to-take-back-your-power-after-a-tough-breakup-explained-by-a-breakup-coach
About This Article
Article Summary
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To get your stuff back from your ex after splitting up, start by scheduling a time that suits you both. Wait until you feel calm and collected after breaking up, so that your emotions are under control. When you feel ready, send your ex a simple text message such as, “I still have some things at your place. Is there a good time to come over and pick them up?" As you talk to your ex, communicate only the essentials like the time and date to avoid triggering a petty argument. When you go to get your things, be polite and make small talk as you pack up. For example, you could ask about their work or comment on the weather. If you don’t want to do it alone, ask a trusted friend to come with you for support. For more advice on getting your stuff back after splitting up, like how to return sentimental items, read on!
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