How to Get a Fearful Avoidant Back

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If you want to reconnect with a fearful avoidant ex, you're probably wondering what the best approach is. Someone with a fearful avoidant attachment style won't respond to grand gestures, emotional apologies, or attempts to make them jealous—so what are your options? In this article, we'll explain how to make a fearful avoidant miss you, reforge your bond, and move forward together. We'll also touch on the underlying causes so you can better understand your partner's attachment style.

This article is based on an interview with our licensed clinical psychologist, Liana Georgoulis, Psy.D. Check out the full interview here.

1

Go no contact for a while.

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    In the past, you probably noticed that the more you pushed to get closer to your ex, the more they withdrew from you. [1] This is very common behavior in fearful avoidants. It may sound counter-intuitive, but if you want to get back together, make yourself scarce by going no contact . That means no texting, calls, or DMs.
    • Give your ex a heads up if you don’t want to blindside them. You might say, “I think the best way for both of us to get the space we need is to stop communicating for a while. I would love to reconnect once we've both calmed down and processed our emotions, through.”
    • If your ex reaches out during the “no contact” period, it’s best to acknowledge them. If you ignore them, they may feel rejected or ashamed, which will make them avoid you in the future. [2]
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2

Keep a low profile on social media.

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    A fearful avoidant will use social media as an anonymous way to check up on you after a breakup. Try to limit your posts or stop posting entirely so they have no information to go on. Creating a little mystery will make them wonder what you're doing, and that’s when a fearful avoidant is most likely to start missing you. [3]
    • You can always set your social media profiles to private or even block your ex, but these strategies may backfire with a fearful avoidant. Blatantly snubbing your ex could make them feel rejected.
3

Focus on self-care.

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    Breakups are hard and most people struggle with low self-esteem after going through one. Use the time away from your ex to prioritize your physical and mental health through self-care . Being in a positive state of mind will up your chances of getting back together with a fearful avoidant. [4] You can do things like:
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4

Reconnect via text or social media.

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    It’s unusual for a fearful avoidant to reach out first (even if they secretly want to), so you’ll have to make the first move after a period of no contact. It’s important to ease back in slowly, so start with something low-key, like a text or DM. Keep the message short and light to avoid alienating or scaring them. [6] You might say:
    • "Hey! I just wanted to reach out and see how you’re doing these days. Lmk..."
    • "Drove by your favorite taco truck today and thought of you. Hope you're well!"
5

Bring up good memories.

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    After a period of no contact, people with this attachment style usually start to assume that the relationship is truly over—and that's when the nostalgia kicks in. If you want to make your ex miss you, play up the nostalgia factor by bringing up a few of your relationship’s greatest hits. [7] You might say:
    • ”Remember that night we picnicked on the beach? We brought my telescope and looked at the stars. That’s one of my favorite memories.”
    • ”I heard our song the other day. It immediately took me back to that night when we put it on repeat and danced for hours. Love that memory.”
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6

Boost their ego with compliments.

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    This attachment style is rooted in low self-esteem developed as a child, probably as a response to mixed signals they received from a parent/caregiver. [8] They felt confused and let down by these mixed signals, and they dealt with that anxiety by withdrawing. Deep down, though, a fearful avoidant longs for connection and deeply appreciates loving encouragement. [9] You might say:
    • "I knew you’d ace that test, Erika! You’ve always been brilliant."
    • "You play the piano beautifully. I'm so impressed by your talent."
7

Be positive.

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    People with this attachment style live in a constant state of anxiety and fear, which makes them feel understandably negative about things. If you want to get back together with a fearful avoidant, avoid doing or saying anything to make their anxiety worse. The goal is to make them feel safe around you, so remember to be calm, kind, and upbeat. [10]
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8

Maintain your independence.

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    As you're reconnecting with your ex, be sure to keep up with your solo activities and friendships. Get out there and keep living your best life! Pushing for alone time and hanging out too frequently will scare off a fearful avoidant. They value their own freedom very much, and they’re drawn to partners who can be equally independent . [12] Do things like:
    • Hang out with your family and friends regularly
    • Make time for your hobbies and interests
    • Focus your energy on school or your job
9

Take things slow.

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    This is the key thing to remember about fearful avoidants: pushing for closeness ultimately pushes them away. Move at their pace and wait for them to signal that they're ready to forward with the relationship. If they react poorly when you broach the subject, pull back right away so you don't scare them off. [13]
    • For example, if you mention getting back together and they immediately shut down, back off for now. They aren’t ready yet. [14]
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10

Empathize with your ex.

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    Imagine what it's like to feel scared, anxious, and afraid to get close to another human being. This is what life is like for a fearful avoidant, and it can be difficult for a person to endure. It's easy to get upset with your ex for shutting down or withdrawing, but remember that the problem isn't personal and try to find compassion for them. [15]
    • Your ex developed fearful avoidant tendencies because something unpleasant happened in their childhood that made them this way. If you've never talked about that together, consider bringing it up now so it's out there on the table. If they aren't ready to talk, that's okay.
11

Talk about what wrong in the relationship.

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    Fearful avoidants usually back out of relationships because they feel overwhelmed, unheard, or distrustful. If you're considering getting back together, the best solution is to sit down with your partner and nail down exactly what went wrong. Keep in mind that they may try to avoid this conversation, so don't force it. They'll talk when they're ready. [16] To start a dialogue, you might ask questions like:
    • Do you have specific needs that I wasn't meeting the first time around?
    • What aspects of our relationship made you uncomfortable or unhappy?
    • What behaviors can I work on to make you more comfortable in the future?
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12

Be patient with them.

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    You probably want to get back together as soon as possible (which is understandable), but try to remember that patience is the key to successfully interacting with a fearful avoidant. Make it clear to your partner that you’re here for them. You can provide comfort and support if they need it, but give them all the space they need until they feel ready. [17]
13

Accept your differences.

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    You can have a successful relationship with a fearful avoidant, but remember that they can't change overnight. Attachment styles are formed early in life, so they’re deeply ingrained. [18]
    • Couples therapy can help you understand each other better and work through attachment style differences. [19]
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      References

      1. ↑ https://www.helpguide.org/articles/relationships-communication/attachment-and-adult-relationships.htm
      2. ↑ https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bWZ2TCd0glg&t=149s
      3. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-freedom-change/201504/fear-intimacy-and-closeness-in-relationships
      4. ↑ https://www.marriage.com/advice/mental-health/how-to-communicate-with-an-avoidant-partner/
      5. ↑ Liana Georgoulis, PsyD. Licensed Psychologist. Expert Interview. 14 April 2021.
      6. ↑ https://www.marriage.com/advice/mental-health/how-to-communicate-with-an-avoidant-partner/
      7. ↑ https://www.marriage.com/advice/mental-health/how-to-communicate-with-an-avoidant-partner/
      8. ↑ Liana Georgoulis, PsyD. Licensed Psychologist. Expert Interview. 14 April 2021.
      9. ↑ https://theprivatetherapyclinic.co.uk/blog/the-impact-of-fearful-avoidant-attachment-in-love-and-connection/
      1. ↑ https://www.marriage.com/advice/mental-health/how-to-communicate-with-an-avoidant-partner/
      2. ↑ Liana Georgoulis, PsyD. Licensed Psychologist. Expert Interview. 14 April 2021.
      3. ↑ https://www.helpguide.org/articles/relationships-communication/attachment-and-adult-relationships.htm
      4. ↑ https://theprivatetherapyclinic.co.uk/blog/the-impact-of-fearful-avoidant-attachment-in-love-and-connection/
      5. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-freedom-change/201504/fear-intimacy-and-closeness-in-relationships
      6. ↑ https://theprivatetherapyclinic.co.uk/blog/the-impact-of-fearful-avoidant-attachment-in-love-and-connection/
      7. ↑ https://theprivatetherapyclinic.co.uk/blog/the-impact-of-fearful-avoidant-attachment-in-love-and-connection/
      8. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-freedom-change/201505/come-here-go-away-the-dynamics-fearful-attachment
      9. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-freedom-change/201504/fear-intimacy-and-closeness-in-relationships
      10. ↑ https://greatergood.berkeley.edu/article/item/how_to_stop_attachment_insecurity_from_ruining_your_love_life

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