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A toxic parent is someone whose own negative behavior causes emotional damage to their children’s sense of self. Being a toxic parent isn’t a mental disorder in and of itself, however, a parent who is toxic may or may not be suffering from mental illness. Identifying a toxic parent can be important for the well-being of the child or children of this person. In order to identify whether or not someone is a toxic parent, you should look for signs that indicate that they are toxic. If their behavior suggests they are toxic and you are their child, you can take steps to learn to live with that parent. You can also take steps to deal with a toxic parent’s behavior in the best way possible, especially if you suspect that child abuse might be occurring.
Steps
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Consider the things the parent says to their child. A toxic parent will make their child feel bad about themselves. They might criticize their child constantly and harshly, and many toxic parents are dismissive of their child and the child’s accomplishments. A toxic parent is very negative and may often yell at their child. However, more sophisticated toxic parents may be more subtle in the way that they criticize and abuse their child. They may deliver criticism along with niceties or in a deceptively sweet way.
- One classic example of this is when a child brings home a good grade on a test. The child might say, “Look! I got an A- on my math test!” A toxic parent might respond with, “Well, why didn’t you get an A+?” This undermines the child’s hard work and leaves the child feeling that the parent is disappointed in them.
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Understand that a toxic parent demands their child’s attention. Children of toxic parents often end up being the parent in situations where the toxic person wants the attention of their child. This is most likely to occur when the parent is feeling upset or worried about something. Unfortunately, most children are not ready to deal with the responsibility of their parent’s happiness, nor should they be. [1] X Research source
- A parent’s biggest responsibility towards their child is to care for the child, not the other way around.
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Recognize that toxic parents are selfish. A toxic parent isn’t able to set aside their ego when arguing with their child. Instead, they might give their child the silent treatment until the child begs for forgiveness. A toxic parent doesn’t care about how their child feels, they care about how they feel. This can be difficult for a child to deal with, especially at a young age because they don’t have the ability to understand why their parent is behaving this way.
- For many toxic parents, this also means that they feel they need to control everyone else. In order to be happy, a toxic person needs to get what they want, so they aren’t afraid to make other people (their children included) feel bad in order to get what they want. They also might not even be able to identify other people’s emotions and be unaware that their behavior is having a negative effect on other people.
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Remember that a toxic parent is very negative. Everyone gets in a negative mood at some point or another, but a toxic parent rarely says anything positive. A toxic parent will usually take this to the other extreme. Nearly everything that comes out of their mouth will be a complaint about something. Many of those things will be a complaint about their child or children, and they won’t be afraid to let the child hear it. [2] X Research source
- Negativity breeds negativity. A child who grows up around a parent who is constantly negative will likely develop the same attitude. On top of that, they will feel bad about themselves because they heard so many negative things about themselves from their parent.
- Keep in mind that some toxic parents will be perfectly pleasant with everyone except for their children.
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Look for signs of explicit abuse. Though it may not always be the case, a toxic parent is likely abusing their child verbally to some degree. In some cases, this may be constantly criticizing the child, or it may be more complex mind games that make the child feel that they are a bad person. In some cases, the abuse may go further. A toxic parent may physically or sexually abuse their child. [3] X Research source
- Hitting a child in any way (including spanking) is physical abuse. [4] X Research source
- When it comes to children, any form of sexual touching is considered sexual abuse. [5] X Research source
- If you suspect that the child of someone you know is being abused, you should contact the authorities, even if you aren’t sure. Some signs to watch for include sudden changes in behavior, extreme withdrawal, acting out or attention-seeking, appearing disheveled or unclean, and wearing clothing that is not weather-appropriate. It is better to be safe than sorry when it comes to a situation such as this. You can contact the police, child protective services (CPS), or the National Domestic Violence Hotline (1-800-799-7233) if you need help finding the right people to contact.
- If you are a child who is being abused, tell someone. You can tell a teacher at school that you trust, or you can call the police. If you are too afraid to do either of those, you can also call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE (1-800-799-7233). They also have a website where you can live chat with someone if you don't want to call. The website is http://www.thehotline.org/help/ .
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Quiz
wikiHow Quiz: Am I Toxic?
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Give yourself a safe space to vent. When you have to live with a toxic parent, it can be really difficult to deal with the emotions that come with that. You might feel very angry about the situation. Having a place to let off steam is a good way to deal with the negative emotions that come along with that. One great way to do this is by journalling , but make sure to keep your journal in a secure location where your parent will not find it. You can do this is a written diary, or you can type a document on the computer if you prefer. In the journal, you can write anything you want. [6] X Research source
- If you want to, you can use the journal to identify negative patterns that might help you deal with your toxic parent. Write down events that affect you, and think about how you might be able to deal with these types of events in the future.
- In the journal, try to write down positive things about yourself, too. If your parent is making you feel bad about yourself, it is important to give yourself reminders that you are not a bad person. You might make mistakes, but so does everyone else. Each day, try to write down one thing that you did that was good. It may seem silly, but it can have a huge impact on the way you see yourself. You can also ask friends and family members to add to this list. It can be uplifting to hear positive things about yourself from other people. Just make sure to avoid any family members who your parent may have influenced with a narrative about you because their view of you may be skewed.
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Remember that it isn’t your fault. Toxic people are often very difficult to be around. They seem to have a talent for spreading negativity and often leave everyone feeling bad about themselves. Unfortunately, many toxic people are the way they are because they grew up around toxic people. The way your parent behaves is not your fault. You should be proud of yourself for recognizing that your parent is toxic. This gives you a chance to break the cycle because you understand that your parent’s negativity has nothing to do with you.
- You should also remember that the only person you can control is yourself. As a child, it isn’t your responsibility to keep your parent happy; however, you are not living in a healthy parent-child relationship. In this case, the only thing you can do is take care of your own behaviors and your reactions. Thus, it might be helpful to write down ways in which you can handle situations in your journal. Write down past reactions, too. How might you have reacted better? This is not an exercise in self-loathing, rather it is a proactive way to try to give yourself a bit more control over the situation. [7] X Research source
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Reach out to people you trust. You could try to talk to your toxic parent about your feelings, but it may not do much good, especially if they don’t recognize their own toxicity. The next best thing you can do is to reach out to a trusted adult friend or family member who can help you deal with the situation. Reaching out to a counselor is another good option and you can provide your parent with a “safe” reason for wanting to talk with a therapist. Whoever you choose, talk to them about how your parent makes you feel, and ask if they have any advice. [8] X Research source
- This is also a good idea because another adult may be able to act as a mediator between you and your parent. Having another adult present if you want to talk to your parent can be helpful because the parent is less likely to simply brush you off, saying that you are a kid and that you don’t know anything.
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Leave if necessary. Unfortunately, if you are under the age of 18 and living with a toxic parent, you may just have to deal with the situation as best you can. However, if you are living with a parent who is abusive in any way (emotionally, physically, or sexually), you need to leave immediately. There is no justification for abuse, and there is no reason that you should stay. Go to a friend or trusted family members house. If you have nowhere to go, try going to a neighbor’s house. [9] X Research source
- If you are being abused, you should contact the authorities immediately. If you are afraid to call the police, you can also contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline by phone at 1-800-799-SAFE (1-800-799-7233). You can also go to their website at http://www.thehotline.org/help/ to chat with a representative. This is completely confidential, and they can give you advice on what to do, where to go, and who to call.
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Distance yourself from the relationship. When it comes to dealing with toxic parents (or toxic people in general), the best thing you can do for yourself is to distance yourself from them, whether you are the child of that person or an outside person. It may not be possible to cut off all contact with them, but you can do your best to stay out of their path. [10] X Research source
- If you are over the age of 18, you are legally an adult. You can leave your parent’s home and never look back if you want. If you do hope to maintain a relationship with your toxic parent, you could consider explaining to the parent why you’re distancing yourself. This might encourage your parent to get the help they need; however, you should also be prepared for a parent who has no interest in changing.
- Make sure to evaluate whether or not cutting off your relationship with the parent is worth it or if you would miss the relationships that you might lose in the process, such as with your other parent and/or siblings. It may be worth it to stay in the relationship to better maintain these other relationships.
- In some cases, it may be best for you to cut off all contact with your parent. Especially if it is clear that they have no interest in doing anything differently. Go out and find people that treat you well and make them your family. Many people find friends that they treat as family. This may be painful, but in the long run, you will likely be happier and healthier for it.
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Understand that there may not be much you can do. Whether you are a child of an abusive parent or someone close to the family who sees what is going on, it is important to realize that there may not be much you can do to change the situation. The only person that you have any control over is yourself. A toxic person will only change when they recognize the error of their ways, and if they are ready to put in the work to change the way they think and behave. Unfortunately, not many people have this kind of self-awareness. [11] X Research source
- If you are a close family friend, you could try talking to the toxic parent about what your concerns, but this will be a difficult conversation, and the parent may end up just pushing you out of their lives. If you suspect that the child is being abused, it's safer for everyone involved if you contact CPS or the police about the matter, rather than trying to deal with the matter yourself.
- Keep in mind that emotional abuse can be hard to prove if there is no physical or sexual abuse as well. Keep a list of proof of anything you have observed as evidence that emotional abuse is occurring. This could be videos of them hurting you or voice recordings of verbal abuse, for example.
- If you don’t think you can talk to them about it, you could try being the child’s ally. If it is appropriate, you can give the child the encouragement they need to feel loved and appreciated. Having at least one person in their life that is positive will be better than nothing.
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Try to remember that they are human. It can be really difficult to feel any empathy for a toxic person. Indeed, they make it very difficult. Try to remind yourself that this toxic person is a human being, who is likely in a lot of pain, whether they realize it or not. Remember that this pain they are feeling has nothing to do with you. Remembering this can give you a dose of compassion that might make it just a bit easier to deal with them when you have to.
- That said this doesn’t mean that you have to stick around dealing with them all of the time, nor is it an excuse for their behavior. If you are becoming depressed trying to deal with a toxic parent, it is okay to walk away. Your own well-being should be your top priority.
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Expert Q&A
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QuestionCan parents cause low self-esteem?Dr. Liana Georgoulis is a Licensed Clinical Psychologist with over 10 years of experience, and is now the Clinical Director at Coast Psychological Services in Los Angeles, California. She received her Doctor of Psychology from Pepperdine University in 2009. Her practice provides cognitive behavioral therapy and other evidence-based therapies for adolescents, adults, and couples.Toxic parents make you doubt yourself. When you attempt to address what’s happening in a basic way, like telling your parent you need dinner and would like to eat, toxic parents have a way of making you question the legitimacy of your needs. Toxic parents can make you believe that you're incredibly flawed or wrong or defective. Once doubt develops, it’s incredibly difficult to unlearn, and you may need help or therapy to get past self-doubt.
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QuestionIf parents never physically hurt you, can they still be toxic?Dr. Liana Georgoulis is a Licensed Clinical Psychologist with over 10 years of experience, and is now the Clinical Director at Coast Psychological Services in Los Angeles, California. She received her Doctor of Psychology from Pepperdine University in 2009. Her practice provides cognitive behavioral therapy and other evidence-based therapies for adolescents, adults, and couples.Absolutely. Instability, lack of emotional support, and having hyper-critical standards can all be toxic behaviors that can deeply impact a child.
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Tips
- Try to remain respectful when dealing with a toxic parent. It definitely won’t be easy all of the time, but being respectful might keep things a bit more settled.Thanks
- If the toxic parent does try to change, be supportive. They may have done a lot of damage, but admitting they are at fault takes a lot of courage.Thanks
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Warnings
- If you expect a child is being abused either physically, verbally, or sexually, contact the authorities immediately. No child deserves to be abused, and many children are not in a position to speak up for themselves.Thanks
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References
- ↑ http://www.lifehack.org/350678/13-signs-toxic-parent-that-many-people-dont-realize
- ↑ https://www.romper.com/p/7-signs-you-have-a-toxic-parent-because-its-not-always-obvious-1941
- ↑ https://www.nytimes.com/2009/10/20/health/20mind.html?_r=0
- ↑ https://www.bostonglobe.com/lifestyle/2016/04/27/study-spanking-nearly-detrimental-abuse/X44bY3WymbVSv9LSRrKLWL/story.html
- ↑ http://www.stopitnow.org/ohc-content/defining-child-sexual-abuse
- ↑ http://everydayfeminism.com/2013/08/living-with-toxic-parents/
- ↑ http://everydayfeminism.com/2013/08/living-with-toxic-parents/
- ↑ http://everydayfeminism.com/2013/08/living-with-toxic-parents/
- ↑ http://kidshealth.org/en/kids/handle-abuse.html
About This Article
Article Summary
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Although everyone’s parents can be a bit mean and selfish sometimes, toxic parents tend to be like this most of the time. If your parents are always criticizing you and you feel like nothing you do is ever good enough for them, they may be toxic. Other signs of toxic parents include insulting you or putting you down, even when you’re upset. They may always be in a bad mood and moan about everything. In the worst cases, toxic parents can also hit you, yell at you, and give your harsh punishments for no reason. If you think your parents are toxic, you’re not alone, and you can get support. Talk to your school counselor or a teacher, who can help you deal with your parents and keep you safe. For more tips from our co-author, including how to avoid your parents’ toxic behaviors, read on.
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