The Psychology of “If You Love Something, Set It Free”

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The idea behind this powerful proverb and how it can help you
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You’re watching your favorite television show when a character says, “If you love something, you have to set it free.” An ache blooms in your chest. The words hit close to home, but why? What does loving something and setting it free even mean? In this article, we’ll walk you through the whys and hows of this famous phrase. Whether you’re going through a breakup or considering ending a relationship, this phrase may be more helpful than you think.

Things You Should Know

  • “If you love something, set it free” is a phrase from an ancient proverb referring to the act of letting something go.
  • Over the years, the proverb has been used to describe breakups, especially if the one ending things still loves their ex.
  • More often than not, relationships have to be “set free” if they’re unhealthy or causing pain.
Section 1 of 6:

What does the phrase “If you love something, set it free” mean?

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    The popular saying comes from the proverb, “If you love something, set it free. If it comes back, it’s yours. If not, it was never meant to be.” Over the years, the proverb has been shortened, but the meaning has stayed the same. The saying reiterates that if you truly love something, you must be willing to let it go. Love is about sacrifices; sometimes, doing the hard thing is best.
    • Similarly, the saying can be rephrased as, “If you love something, let it go.”
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Section 2 of 6:

Is it true that if you love someone you should let them go?

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    Experts say that letting go of a relationship can empower both individuals. [1] Healthy relationships require trust and respect, and setting someone free is the ultimate test of faith. [2] If you love someone unconditionally, you’re able to push your own feelings and agenda aside, focusing on the other person’s needs. In this sense, “If you love something, set it free” is true.
    • In hindsight, letting someone go is often better than holding on to a failing or unhealthy relationship. This way, both parties are set free emotionally and physically. Healing may take time, but if a couple truly loves one another, they’ll do what’s best for the relationship as a whole.
    • Keep in mind that this is all a matter of opinion. Although experts support this popular proverb, many believe the phrase doesn’t apply to them or their relationship. Know that your feelings are valid no matter what side you resonate with.
Section 3 of 6:

Is it time for you to let go of a relationship?

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    Communication is key for a healthy relationship. [3] If you no longer feel like your partner is hearing you, it may be time to set them free. Perhaps you’ve tried therapy, couples counseling, and/or different date ideas. All in all, if they’re unresponsive or unbothered by your feelings and needs, it’s likely time to move on.
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    A relationship should fuel your energy, not drain it. If you don’t feel like yourself or are unhappy around your partner, it may be time to let them go. Healthy relationships add value to your life. [4] Feeling constantly depressed, anxious, or sad is often a sign that things should end, no matter how much you love them.
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Section 4 of 6:

How to Let Go of a Relationship

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    The first step to letting go of someone is to acknowledge whether the relationship is healthy and know if it’s time to end things . Do you feel seen, heard, and accepted by your partner? Are you in constant disagreement? Are you happy with them? If you answered “no,” it may be time to set them free. [5]
    • Try journaling to help clarify and unpack your emotions. Write about the relationship as a whole or how your partner makes you feel.
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    If you’re thinking about ending things, tell your partner. Vocalize your concerns (as long as it’s safe to do so) to let them know how you’re feeling in the relationship. Who knows? They may be feeling something similar. [6]
    • Use “I” statements to describe your feelings without pointing fingers. For instance, try saying, “I feel like I’m not being heard. I think it might be time for us to take a break.”
    • There’s no doubt that having the “talk” with your partner will be awkward, so try to find a time when you’re both free and able to sit down together. Consider letting them know what the conversation may be about ahead of time so they can prepare emotionally. [7]
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    Even though things may not have gone as you hoped, the relationship isn’t a complete “waste.” Every person you meet and every thing you experience teaches you something. Maybe you learned that you need a partner with the same love language as you, or you realize you’re happier in your own space. Try to look at the positives of the situation and how much you’ve grown from it. [8]
    • At the end of the day, don’t chase closure from your partner. They may not be on the same path toward healing, and that’s okay. Everyone handles breakups differently, so focus on what you need in the moment. [9]
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    Know that letting go of someone is a process; it doesn’t happen overnight. While they may be gone physically, letting go of them emotionally can be painful. You love them, which is why you set them free, and grieving that emotional loss takes time and energy. Be gentle with yourself and work at your own pace. In time, you’ll start to feel like yourself again.
    • Spend time with yourself—there’s nothing wrong with enjoying your own company! Take yourself on a date , splurge on a new outfit, or soak in the bathtub until your toes wrinkle.
    • Pass the time by spending time with friends and doing new things. Just because your relationship ended doesn’t mean your life has to. Make coffee dates with friends, or sign up for an art or cooking class.
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    Deciding to break up with someone you love isn’t easy, and the choice can weigh on you emotionally. Remind yourself that you made the right decision whenever you start having doubts. Remember, you let them go for a reason. It’s normal to doubt yourself during this time, but stay firm in your decision —you did what was best.
    • Know that it’s okay to have different feelings. You may feel sad one day and happy the next, and that’s normal! Acknowledge these feelings and ride them out. They’ll pass over time. [10]
    • Forgive yourself for any mistakes you may have made. Don’t let fear or doubts hold you back from healing. Be kind to yourself—you’re only human. [11]
    • Go no contact with your ex to give yourself space and time to heal. Deleting their contact information or blocking their number can reduce the temptation to call them.
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Section 5 of 6:

Why is it hard to let go of someone?

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    Believe it or not, your reaction to setting someone free may have to do with your upbringing. [12] Attachment styles refer to how you feel secure and comforted in times of need. They start developing in infancy and influence your relationships moving forward. [13] Based on your attachment style, you may react to letting someone go as follows:
    • If you have a secure attachment style, you likely feel at ease with the decision and have healthy coping strategies to get you through the breakup.
    • If you have an anxious attachment style, you may mourn the loss of your partner and question, “Who am I?”
    • If you have an avoidant attachment style, you likely drown out your emotions with drugs, alcohol, and/or food to cope.
    • Identify your attachment style by assessing when you feel the most safe and secure in relationships and how you react to bad news.
Section 6 of 6:

Does letting go mean they’ll come back?

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    An emotional and physical detachment occurs when you set someone free. Ending a relationship is never easy, and giving someone the space to leave doesn’t mean they’ll always come back. While you may still have feelings for this person, it’s important to acknowledge that there’s no guarantee that they’ll return.
    • Rather than focusing on if they’ll return, focus on your own wants and needs. What can you do to make yourself feel better ?
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      References

      1. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/in-the-name-love/201807/why-people-leave-partners-they-still-love
      2. ↑ https://www.waldenu.edu/programs/psychology/resource/ten-signs-of-a-healthy-relationship
      3. ↑ https://www.helpguide.org/articles/relationships-communication/relationship-help.htm
      4. ↑ https://www.helpguide.org/articles/relationships-communication/relationship-help.htm
      5. ↑ https://www.npr.org/2020/12/28/950821286/the-art-of-breaking-up-from-the-talk-to-moving-on
      6. ↑ https://health.clevelandclinic.org/how-to-break-up-with-someone/
      7. ↑ https://www.npr.org/2020/12/28/950821286/the-art-of-breaking-up-from-the-talk-to-moving-on
      8. ↑ https://health.clevelandclinic.org/how-to-break-up-with-someone/
      9. ↑ https://www.npr.org/2020/12/28/950821286/the-art-of-breaking-up-from-the-talk-to-moving-on
      1. ↑ https://www.helpguide.org/articles/grief/dealing-with-a-breakup-or-divorce.htm
      2. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/constructive-wallowing/201412/6-ways-keep-yourself-going-back
      3. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/mindful-dating/202203/11-reasons-why-people-dont-let-go-of-unhealthy-relationships
      4. ↑ https://health.clevelandclinic.org/attachment-theory-and-attachment-styles/

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