20 Signs You’re Not in Love Anymore

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Learn to spot the warning signs that you're falling out of love
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Do you feel like you’ve lost the spark in your relationship? How can you tell whether you and your partner are simply going through a rough patch, or whether you don’t love them anymore? It’s normal for romantic relationships to have their ups and downs, but there are tell-tale clues that your fading feelings are more than just a passing phase. We’ve put together a list of 20 red flags that you’ve fallen out of love with your partner–if you can relate, it’s a good sign that your heart is no longer in it. Whether you want to reignite your relationship or you’re ready to let it go, this article will give you the clarity you’re seeking.

Things You Should Know

  • If you don’t want to connect with your partner on an emotional level, you may not be fully invested in your relationship.
  • When feelings of pride and admiration are replaced by feelings of disdain and irritation, it might be a sign that you don’t love your partner anymore.
  • If you don’t want to make plans with your partner, it’s a red flag that you may not see a future with them.
  • A change in physical intimacy and PDA may indicate that your feelings toward your partner are more platonic than romantic.
1

You’re bored.

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    Maybe your interactions have become predictable and you pay less attention to each other. Butterflies have been replaced by boredom. While it’s normal for the fireworks to mellow over time, feeling apathetic towards your partner is a big clue that you may not be in love. [1]
    • If you want to rekindle the magic, be proactive about creating interesting experiences and exciting adventures with your partner. Travel somewhere new, discuss thought-provoking podcasts, or get involved with a cause you’re both passionate about. [2]
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2

You don’t want to spend time with them.

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    Does the thought of hanging out with them irritate you or fill you with dread? Are you making up excuses to avoid seeing them? Do you feel smothered by their attention? If the answer is yes, it might be time to let the relationship go. [3]
    • If your relationship has reached this stage, it’s difficult to make it work. Give yourself permission to walk away from the situation if you need breathing room.
3

You’re not as interested in them sexually.

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    Sex habits vary from couple to couple; the issue isn’t how much sex you have, but whether the frequency has changed and whether both partners’ needs are still being met. Your feelings may be more platonic than romantic if you don’t want to be close to your partner. [4]
    • If you’re looking to spice things up in the bedroom, a professional sex therapist may be able to help. [5]
    • Some ebb and flow of sexual intimacy is normal. There are also some medical conditions and prescription drugs that impact libido, so keep that in mind.
    • Intimacy doesn’t have to be sexual; some couples mutually choose to have asexual partnerships. In this case, question whether you’re still displaying intimacy in ways that are meaningful to you and your partner. If your habits have changed, it’s an indicator that your feelings have too. [6]
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4

You don’t miss them.

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    Do you remember how often you used to think of your partner when you were falling in love? When was the last time you truly missed your significant other? If you don’t think about your partner when they’re gone, it’s a clue they’re no longer a primary focus in your life. [7]
    • Not every relationship is destined to work out. It doesn’t mean that you failed; some partnerships just aren’t meant to be.
5

You aren’t proud of your partner.

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    For example, you might find yourself rolling your eyes when they talk about their disc golf score or their idea for a new app. When two people are in a healthy relationship, they admire each other and support each others’ endeavors. If you aren’t proud of your partner, perhaps it’s time to break up .
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6

You end up in power struggles instead of compromising.

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    You might be locked in frequent power struggles with neither of you wanting to give an inch. Disagreements may include ranting, pleading, or guilt tactics. If you two aren’t interested in negotiating, you may be more focused on controlling each other than caring for each other. [8]
    • Couples therapy can help partners learn strategies for disagreeing more productively. If you want to give your relationship another chance, consider having sessions with a licensed therapist.
7

You don’t share common interests.

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    Perhaps you were so infatuated in the “honeymoon phase” that you didn’t notice that your interests don’t overlap. Now that things have settled down, you two may be going your separate ways because you aren’t a good match. [9]
    • While cultivating separate interests is important for a balanced relationship, it’s also essential to enjoy shared interests with your partner.
    • That way, you can always learn and grow together. There's only so much conversation to be had about common things that you can go through.
    • Not only that, but doing activities together where there are shared common goals helps people resolve conflict and become closer.
    • If you want to save your relationship, consider developing a hobby you both enjoy. Try taking a class together, joining a club, or volunteering in your community.
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8

You no longer want to engage in PDA.

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    Did you used to hold hands while walking the dog? Did you like to steal smooches in the movie theater? Did you snuggle up next to your partner at parties? If you no longer want to display affection, you could be feeling ready to move on.
9

Your partner’s quirks annoy you.

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    Maybe you used to think it was adorable when they sang opera in the shower, but now you beg them to stop. It might have been cute when they'd steal your fries with a grin, but now you’re tempted to slap their hand away. If their behavior gets under your skin, it’s a clue the balance of your relationship has shifted. [10]
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10

You keep comparing them to others.

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    Maybe you’re comparing your partner to your best friend’s significant other and feel like your bestie got the better deal. Or perhaps you’re secretly measuring your partner against your ex. If you feel like your partner is lacking and you could do better, it’s probably time to think about ending your relationship . [11]
11

You feel stuck.

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    You might not feel like you can break free because you “owe” your partner in some way. It could be that you’re afraid of being on your own, or you don’t have the financial resources to be independent. [12] If you’re with them because of duty, convenience, or habit, your relationship might not have a solid foundation.
    • Ask yourself what the glue is that’s holding your relationship together. If your primary reason for staying is anything other than, “Because I want to be with them,” you may not really be in love. [13]
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12

You aren’t communicating.

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    Maybe most of your communication is over text: “Did you feed the cat?” “We’re out of bread.” “Have you seen my phone charger?” If you don’t feel like chatting with your partner about your day, your weekend plans, or what’s been bugging you, you may be letting go. [14]
    • Are you hoping to revive your relationship? Leave your phones at home and visit a coffee shop or take a stroll around the neighborhood together. Create opportunities to chat and connect without distractions. [15]
13

You avoid making future plans together.

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    If your partner wanted to book a summer cruise, you might say, “Let’s hold off for a bit, I’m not sure what my work schedule will be like.” You may even hesitate to hit “purchase” on tickets for a concert that’s a couple months out. This could indicate that you envision a future without your partner by your side. [16]
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14

You blame your partner.

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    For example, you might get upset if they didn’t pick up milk (even though you didn’t ask them to). Shouldn’t they have realized you were out? When you consistently blame your partner, resentment hangs over the relationship like a thundercloud. It hints that your relationship may be stormy and faltering. [17]
    • If you’d like to change this habit, practice active listening during conflicts. Instead of playing the blame game, listen without judgment, clarify with open-ended questions, and validate your partner’s feelings. [18]
15

You fantasize about other people.

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    Does the grass always seem greener somewhere else? Are you curious if you’d be happier with your coworker? Have you been imagining what it would be like to hook up with your ex again? If so, your relationship might not be on track. [19]
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16

You shut them out.

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    You might put up a facade and keep your interactions at a superficial level. You don’t want to be vulnerable or let your partner get too close. The longer you do this, the greater the emotional distance grows, leaving both of you feeling empty and unfulfilled. If this is happening, it’s a sign that you’re growing apart. [20]
    • Sometimes people have difficulty opening up to others because of painful past experiences. Or, they may not have been raised in an environment that encourages vulnerability. If this applies to your situation, therapy can help.
17

You want to change them.

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    Maybe you wish they’d be less introverted and more social. You might feel like everything would be great if they'd just go to church with you. In that case, you could simply be in love with a hypothetical, future version of your partner. [21]
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18

You often complain about your partner.

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    Everybody needs to let off steam now and again, and seeking support from a friend isn’t a bad thing. But research shows that complaining about your partner correlates with how invested and satisfied you are in your relationship. If you find yourself complaining to others a lot, it’s a clue that you might not really in love. [22]
    • Happy couples don’t complain about each other often, but when they do, it's typically about specific events rather than their partner’s character. For example, a happy partner might say, “I’m annoyed they're working late,” while an unhappy one might say, “They’re selfish for working late.”
    • If you’d like to stop complaining and repair your relationship, try approaching the issue with a solutions-oriented mindset. Be willing to listen, ask for advice, and problem solve together.
19

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    Do you feel like you’ve sacrificed too much for your relationship? Maybe you’ve given up hobbies, lost touch with friends, or stifled parts of your personality. [23] Over time, this can make you feel even lonelier than being single. If you no longer feel like yourself, that’s a good indicator that it could be time to move on.
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20

You have conflicting goals.

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    Maybe when you first met, you wanted the same things. As you both evolved over time, perhaps you grew in different directions. Maybe they want to go to school or take a job in another city. Perhaps you want kids and they don’t. If you’ve reached an impasse, it might be time to end your relationship . [24]

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Expert Q&A

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  • Question
    What are the signs that someone is not really in love with you?
    Chloe Carmichael, PhD
    Licensed Clinical Psychologist
    Chloe Carmichael, PhD is a Licensed Clinical Psychologist who runs a private practice in New York City. With over a decade of psychological consulting experience, Dr. Chloe specializes in relationship issues, stress management, self esteem, and career coaching. She has also instructed undergraduate courses at Long Island University and has served as adjunct faculty at the City University of New York. Dr. Chloe completed her PhD in Clinical Psychology at Long Island University in Brooklyn, New York and her clinical training at Lenox Hill Hospital and Kings County Hospital. She is accredited by the American Psychological Association and is the author of “Nervous Energy: Harness the Power of Your Anxiety” and “Dr. Chloe's 10 Commandments of Dating.”
    Chloe Carmichael, PhD
    Licensed Clinical Psychologist
    Expert Answer
    If they make promises that they don't keep and constantly avoid or evade conversations about the future of the relationship, that's usually a big red flag. Somebody who's not open to those conversations might not have the depth of feeling that you have or follow the same approach to what a loving relationship is.
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  • Question
    I feel like I’m falling out of love, but I still love him so much. We really work as a couple, and I don’t want to fall out of love. Is there a way to prevent that?
    Community Answer
    The key is to spend time together. If you are meant to be together, doing so will feel right, and your relationship will be self-strengthening. Sometimes people who are initially attracted to each other come to realize the attraction is actually weak or merely superficial. Don't remain in a relationship just because you want to be in love.
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  • Question
    He can't spare time for me anymore. Instead of spending time with me, he goes on social media to make himself happy. We've fought a lot over that. Am I the one who's being childish?
    Community Answer
    No, you're being perfectly reasonable. In a strong relationship each partner will strike a balance between their own activities and shared activities. If you've already told him how this makes you feel and he hasn't changed, apparently he doesn't care about your feelings. That means it's time to reassess your relationship and think about a breakup.
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      Thanks for reading our article! If you’d like to learn more about relationships, check out our in-depth interview with Chloe Carmichael, PhD .

      References

      1. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/rediscovering-love/201405/when-its-time-let-relationship-go
      2. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/rediscovering-love/201405/when-its-time-let-relationship-go
      3. ↑ https://youqueen.com/relationship/the-7-signs-its-time-to-end-a-relationship/
      4. ↑ https://www.cosmopolitan.com/uk/love-sex/relationships/g820/how-to-know-your-relationship-is-over/
      5. ↑ https://www.cosmopolitan.com/uk/love-sex/relationships/g820/how-to-know-your-relationship-is-over/
      6. ↑ https://www.betterhealth.vic.gov.au/health/healthyliving/relationships-and-communication
      7. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/magnetic-partners/201803/6-signs-youve-fallen-out-love
      8. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/rediscovering-love/201405/when-its-time-let-relationship-go
      9. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/intl/blog/just-listen/200911/10-habits-happy-couples
      1. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/rediscovering-love/201405/when-its-time-let-relationship-go
      2. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/cutting-edge-leadership/202101/10-subtle-signs-falling-out-love-someone
      3. ↑ https://evolutioncounseling.com/resentment-in-relationships/
      4. ↑ https://www.datingadvice.com/gay/signs-youre-falling-out-of-love-lgbt
      5. ↑ https://www.cosmopolitan.com/uk/love-sex/relationships/g820/how-to-know-your-relationship-is-over/
      6. ↑ https://www.cosmopolitan.com/uk/love-sex/relationships/g820/how-to-know-your-relationship-is-over/
      7. ↑ https://www.cosmopolitan.com/uk/love-sex/relationships/g820/how-to-know-your-relationship-is-over/
      8. ↑ https://evolutioncounseling.com/the-buildup-of-resentment-in-relationships/
      9. ↑ https://www.datingadvice.com/gay/signs-youre-falling-out-of-love-lgbt
      10. ↑ https://www.cosmopolitan.com/uk/love-sex/relationships/g820/how-to-know-your-relationship-is-over/
      11. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/friendship-20/201712/7-signs-youd-be-better-ending-relationship
      12. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/friendship-20/201712/7-signs-youd-be-better-ending-relationship
      13. ↑ https://www.fatherly.com/love-money/when-complaining-about-your-spouse-crosses-the-line
      14. ↑ https://kidshealth.org/en/teens/healthy-relationship.html?ref=search
      15. ↑ https://youqueen.com/relationship/the-7-signs-its-time-to-end-a-relationship/

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