This article was co-authored by Liana Georgoulis, PsyD
and by wikiHow staff writer, Dev Murphy, MA
. Dr. Liana Georgoulis is a Licensed Clinical Psychologist based in Los Angeles, California. She is the founder and clinical director of Coast Psychological Services. With over 12 years of experience, her mission is to provide clients with effective, well-studied, and established treatments that bring about significant improvements in her patients' lives. Her practice provides cognitive behavioral therapy and other evidence-based therapies for adolescents, adults, and couples. Additionally, she provides group therapy for social anxiety, social skills, and assertiveness training. Providing a space where clients feel understood and supported is essential to her work. Dr. Georgoulis also provides clinical supervision to post-doctoral fellows and psychological assistants. She received her PhD in Clinical Psychology from Pepperdine University and a BA in Psychology from the University of California, Los Angeles.
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This article has been fact-checked, ensuring the accuracy of any cited facts and confirming the authority of its sources.
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Self-absorbed people can really leave you feeling unheard and unappreciated, especially if they have a tendency to put you down in order to feel better about themselves. However, there are a number of tactics you can use to enforce personal boundaries and get them to treat you with respect. Keep in mind that even though a person has narcissistic traits, they may not have clinical Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD), which only a licensed therapist can diagnose. [1] X Trustworthy Source Mayo Clinic Educational website from one of the world's leading hospitals Go to source
Steps
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Ultimately, only they are responsible for their behavior. Whether they have clinical NPD or are just very self-absorbed, if they struggle to understand where you’re coming from or have empathy for you, a reciprocal relationship based on mutual trust and respect may be very difficult to achieve. [2] X Trustworthy Source American Psychological Association Leading scientific and professional organization of licensed psychologists Go to source This doesn’t mean you shouldn’t enforce boundaries with them, but realize that they are the only ones who can change their behavior.
- Talk therapy may be able to help them develop social and emotional skills over time. [3] X Research source
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Narcissistic people appreciate things or qualities that they want. If they don't think you have value, they may shut you down or blatantly disrespect you. The closest you can get to earning their respect is to show them that you're more capable, more skilled, or more valuable than they are. [4] X Expert Source Liana Georgoulis, PsyD
Licensed Psychologist Expert Interview. 6 September 2018.- For instance, they may be drawn to people who have social status, valuable possessions, high-end jobs, or an exceptional appearance.
- You could remind them that you just got a promotion, or highlight how many followers you have on social media.
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If they see you as "less than" them, show them they're wrong. [5] X Expert Source Liana Georgoulis, PsyD
Licensed Psychologist Expert Interview. 6 September 2018. They may put you down, but you can let them see that you value yourself, and that's all that matters. Do things that make you feel empowered or repeat kind mantras that help you work through challenges with the narcissist.- For instance, you might tell yourself, "I have really great social skills. It's easy for me to talk with others," or, "I have a real gift when it comes to caring for others."
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Show them the way you expect to be treated. It's easy to start believing what someone who puts you down tells you, but they may be purposely trying to lower your self-esteem to make them feel better about themselves. Stop these feelings of low self-worth by repeating positive mantras like: [6] X Research source
- "I'm in charge of my own life."
- "I don't need their approval or permission."
- "I deserve to be treated with respect."
- "I am worthy of love and kindness."
wikiHow Quiz: Am I Dating a Narcissist?
How did they act when you first started dating?
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Rude or disrespectful behavior might be what the person wants. Instead of getting angry and giving the person a taste of their own medicine, rise above the urge. Count to 10, take deep breaths, or visualize something peaceful. Then, speak kindly and use a calm tone. Don't try to upset them; instead, show them the behavior you wish you could see from them. [7] X Research source
- If you're defensive or you try to embarrass them, it could cause more pushback or arguments.
- If you don't think you can react to the person in a level-headed way, take a break and just don't respond. They might stop trying to upset you.
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Narcissistic people likely won't fulfill your needs, so protect yourself. If you're in a relationship with the person, realize they may not view relationships the same way you do. They may just want someone who makes them feel good about themselves, and may not have much interest in meeting your emotional needs. If this is your partner, acknowledge their limitations and put as much space between you as possible. Then, decide if the relationship is fulfilling your needs. [8] X Trustworthy Source HelpGuide Nonprofit organization dedicated to providing free, evidence-based mental health and wellness resources. Go to source
- If you're dealing with a narcissistic co-worker or friend, limit how much you confide in them. Better yet, keep the relationship professional or friendly without sharing your deeper feelings.
- Know that it’s very possible to have a fulfilling relationship with a narcissistic person—it just takes a lot of time and patience, as well as your partner’s willingness to work on themselves.
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Keep control of your financial and life choices so you can leave if you need to. If you feel like this person makes every decision or governs your life, don't wait around for their respect. Take steps to put yourself back in control. By making your own decisions, you'll find that you aren't as concerned about earning their respect. [9] X Research source
- For instance, do you have career goals? Maybe it's time to sign up for classes or get some interviews.
- If you're in a relationship with the person, ensure that you have a separate bank account so you can take care of yourself if need be.
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Express your boundaries so the person knows what behavior you expect. Spend time identifying what you want from the relationship and what behaviors are unacceptable to you. [10] X Expert Source Adam Dorsay, PsyD
Licensed Psychologist & TEDx Speaker Expert Interview. 1 April 2019. Include consequences, so they know what to expect if they disregard your boundaries. Possible boundaries could be: [11] X Research source- "I'm going to walk away if you can't stop yelling."
- "I won't keep talking with you if you keep insulting me or calling me names."
- "I will not put up with disrespect behind my back. If you have a problem with me, let's talk."
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Be willing to stick to your boundaries if the person violates them. Chances are, they'll respect you less if you allow them to disregard your boundaries. Instead, call out their behavior in a calm impersonal way. Then, follow through with the consequence, so the person knows that you demand respect. [12] X Research source
- For instance, they may try to get into an argument or defend their actions, but don't let them. Take a deep breath and walk away so they realize that you're not going to give them what they want. [13] X Research source
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Remind yourself that your support system is there for you emotionally. If this person is controlling, they may try to isolate you from your friends or family. Make a point of meeting up with people you trust and love, so you have the care and attention you need. [14] X Research source
- It's natural to feel upset, frustrated, or confused when dealing with a narcissistic person. It might help you to talk with a therapist . They can give you coping and communication tips that can make you feel more empowered in the relationship.
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It might be time to end things if the relationship is negatively affecting your health. If your mental health is suffering and you realize your relationship with the person is toxic, prioritize your well-being. This can be especially hard if they're a close friend, relative, or even your spouse, but you deserve to be in healthy, supportive relationships. [15] X Expert Source Jay Reid, LPCC
Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor Expert Interview. 7 August 2020.- It's probably time to end the relationship if you feel threatened, manipulated, controlled, or if the conversations are becoming more heated.
- If you're being emotionally or verbally abused, prioritize your safety—don't hesitate to contact a domestic abuse hotline like 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) or 911.
Expert Q&A
Tips
- Remember that not everyone with NPD is toxic or abusive. Many people with clinical NPD are able to manage their symptoms with therapy and/or medication. [16] X Trustworthy Source Mayo Clinic Educational website from one of the world's leading hospitals Go to sourceThanks
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Expert Interview
Thanks for reading our article! If you’d like to learn more about narcissism, check out our in-depth interview with Liana Georgoulis, PsyD .
References
- ↑ https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/narcissistic-personality-disorder/symptoms-causes/syc-20366662
- ↑ https://www.apa.org/news/podcasts/speaking-of-psychology/narcissism
- ↑ https://psychcentral.com/disorders/narcissistic-personality-disorder/treatment#therapy-options
- ↑ Liana Georgoulis, PsyD. Licensed Psychologist. Expert Interview. 6 September 2018.
- ↑ Liana Georgoulis, PsyD. Licensed Psychologist. Expert Interview. 6 September 2018.
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/communication-success/201501/how-spot-and-stop-narcissists
- ↑ https://psychcentral.com/disorders/how-to-talk-to-someone-with-narcissistic-tendencies
- ↑ https://www.helpguide.org/articles/mental-disorders/narcissistic-personality-disorder.htm
- ↑ https://psychcentral.com/pro/recovery-expert/2019/08/setting-boundaries-with-a-narcissist#1
- ↑ Adam Dorsay, PsyD. Licensed Psychologist & TEDx Speaker. Expert Interview. 1 April 2019.
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/communication-success/201501/how-spot-and-stop-narcissists
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/between-the-sheets/202110/how-manage-narcissistic-partner
- ↑ https://psychcentral.com/pro/recovery-expert/2019/08/setting-boundaries-with-a-narcissist#2
- ↑ https://psychcentral.com/disorders/how-to-talk-to-someone-with-narcissistic-tendencies
- ↑ Jay Reid, LPCC. Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor. Expert Interview. 7 August 2020.
- ↑ https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/narcissistic-personality-disorder/symptoms-causes/syc-20366662