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A list of relationship grievances that might just drive you crazy
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This article was co-authored by Chloe Carmichael, PhD
and by wikiHow staff writer, Hannah Madden
. Chloe Carmichael, PhD is a Licensed Clinical Psychologist who runs a private practice in New York City. With over a decade of psychological consulting experience, Dr. Chloe specializes in relationship issues, stress management, self esteem, and career coaching. She has also instructed undergraduate courses at Long Island University and has served as adjunct faculty at the City University of New York. Dr. Chloe completed her PhD in Clinical Psychology at Long Island University in Brooklyn, New York and her clinical training at Lenox Hill Hospital and Kings County Hospital. She is accredited by the American Psychological Association and is the author of “Nervous Energy: Harness the Power of Your Anxiety” and “Dr. Chloe's 10 Commandments of Dating.”
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This article has been viewed 75,696 times.
You love your partner, but there’s just one thing (or a couple of things) that they do that really get under your skin. Pet peeves are totally normal to have, and by recognizing yours and talking about them with your partner, you can avoid a lot of frustration and resentment down the line. If you’re ready to learn more about yourself and how to handle annoyances, you’re in luck! Here are the top pet peeves you might encounter within your relationship, as well as expert advice on how to handle them.
Things You Should Know
- You might get annoyed if your partner uses the silent treatment or says “I’m fine” when they’re actually upset.
- Or, you might be irritated when your partner ignores your texts or doesn’t listen when you talk.
- Some people also get frustrated when their partner won’t do their fair share of the chores or clean up after themselves.
Steps
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It can be irritating when it feels like your partner is ignoring you. If you always make an effort to respond to your partner’s texts, it’s a bummer when it takes them hours (or even days) to reply to yours. [1] X Research source Make sure that you and your partner are on the same page about your communication styles so resentment doesn’t start to set in.
- Some people don’t like texting that much, so they might wait a while to respond. If you’re annoyed with your partner’s texting style, have a conversation about communication and how often you’d like to talk to them throughout the week.
- Say something like, “I really like hearing from you, especially on days we don’t see each other. I’d love it if you could make more of an effort to respond to my texts when you aren’t too busy.”
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The silent treatment is a passive aggressive and damaging. Sometimes, when someone doesn’t know how to express their feelings, they’ll shut down and instead stop talking to their partner. However, this doesn’t foster good communication, and it can lead to a lot of hurt feelings. [2] X Research source
- If your partner is giving you the silent treatment, respond to it by letting them know you’re here when they want to talk. “I can tell you’re upset, and I’d like to hash this out with you. Let me know when you’re ready.”
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Your partner's thoughtlessness can leave you feeling unvalued. When you’re in a relationship with someone, it’s important to take their feelings into account whenever you make decisions. If you find that your partner isn’t acknowledging the things that are important to you, it can make the relationship feel unstable. [3] X Research source
- For instance, maybe you had a really long day at work. A thoughtful partner might cancel their plans to stay in and cook dinner for you, but a thoughtless partner might ignore your feelings and go out anyway.
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A lack of communication can drag fights out longer. Maybe your partner is acting moody, and you can tell that something is wrong. But when you ask them what’s up, they insist that “It’s nothing,” or “I’m fine.” Having to ask over and over again is going to get tiring, and it can break down your communication. [4] X Research source
- Your partner may just not feel comfortable expressing their feelings yet, which is okay. Say something like, “Whenever you feel ready to talk about why you’re upset, I’m here.”
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Your partner's friendly ex can strain your relationship. While it’s totally fine if your partner keeps in contact with an ex that they’re on good terms with, there needs to be some solid boundaries in place. If you feel threatened by an ex or like your partner is keeping an ex on the backburner, that’s a red flag. [5] X Research source
- Ask your partner to set clear boundaries, like not hanging out with their ex alone. Let them know that you need them to uphold these boundaries in order to maintain trust in the relationship.
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When your partner's always late, it feels like they don't value your time. It’s one thing if your partner is running a few minutes late, but it’s another if you’re constantly waiting on them for hours. Someone who’s chronically late might need to work on their time management skills, but it doesn’t mean they can’t get better at it. [6] X Trustworthy Source Go Ask Alice Medical advice site with content written by health promotion specialists affiliated with Columbia University Go to source
- If you’re in a relationship with someone who’s always late, let them know just how much punctuality means to you. “I understand that things sometimes come up, but I’m tired of waiting for hours every time we meet up. I need you to let me know when you’re going to be late.”
- Instead of pointing fingers, try taking the conversation to a vulnerable level, sharing how this kind of behavior makes you feel.
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Personality switches can make your partner seem disingenuous. Maybe your partner is sweet, caring, and kind one-on-one, but they turn into someone else entirely when they’re out with friends or around their family. Usually, this indicates that they might be insecure, but it’s still not a fun thing to witness in a romantic relationship. [7] X Research source
- Try pointing out the changes you see to your partner, then asking them why they’re acting differently. They might not even notice that they’re changing up their behavior around different people.
- Say something like, “I’ve noticed that when we hang out with your friends from college, you get a little rowdy. Are you trying to impress them?”
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Always being around your partner can get exhausting. It’s totally fine if you and your partner want to hang out a lot, but everyone needs some time on their own every now and then. Being in a relationship with someone who wants 100% of your time can get overwhelming very quickly. [8] X Research source
- To cope with a clingy partner, discuss the issue and state your concerns without blaming them. Say something like, “You know I love spending time with you. But when I don’t get any time to myself, I feel a little burnt out.”
- A clingy partner is typically insecure, and their clinginess is oftentimes coming from a good place—they just want to be close to you. While this behavior might be annoying, it should be handled with a gentle conversation.
- Be very specific about what exactly it is that you want. The idea is to keep it on a behavioral level, instead of criticizing the person for just emotionally wanting to be close to you.
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If your partner's always scrolling, it can feel like they’re ignoring you. All of us enjoy social media and texting sometimes—that’s not an issue. But if your partner is on their phone for hours or even ignores you in favor of a screen, it can start to build resentment within the relationship. [9] X Research source
- Try having a phone-free day or date night where you both put your phones away. That way, you can focus on each other without any pesky notifications cropping up.
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Constant comparisons can be exhausting to listen to. There’s an old saying, “Comparison is the thief of joy,” and when it comes to relationships, that’s definitely true. Everyone’s partnership is different, and hearing your partner compare your relationship to someone else’s can be tiring after a while.
- If you find your partner compares your relationship to other people’s a lot, let them know that it’s starting to hurt your feelings. Hopefully, they’ll understand and focus on making your relationship great for you two (instead of other people).
- Say something like, “Let’s focus on our relationship, not anyone else’s. I love you for you, not because you measure up well against other people.”
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If your partner says hurtful things about you, then that's not cool. We all vent about our partners to close friends every once in a while. But badmouthing takes things to a whole new level. If your partner talks about your flaws or discusses relationship issues with people a lot, it can lead to a lack of trust in the relationship. [10] X Research source
- Set boundaries with your partner on what you can and can’t talk about with other people. It’s important to trust your partner, so make sure you both know what you should and shouldn’t be talking about with friends.
- “I’d really appreciate it if you didn’t tell your friends about our relationship problems. It makes me feel like our fights are public knowledge.”
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If your partner never takes accountability, it can make you resent them. Have you noticed that whenever your partner is in the wrong, they never say “I’m sorry”? Someone who doesn’t own up to their actions can be tough to reason with, and it might be hard to ever get them to admit their mistakes. [11] X Research source
- It can be tough for some people to apologize, and that can be for many reasons. Let your partner know that you’d really appreciate hearing them say “I’m sorry” so that you can have some closure and move on after a fight.
- “I know you might be over it, but I think I need to hear an apology before we can move on.”
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Bad manners can be a little, well… gross. Does your partner chew with their mouth open or curse loudly out in public? While everyone has a different threshold for what’s acceptable, being in a relationship with someone who has bad manners can get grating over time. [12] X Research source
- Bad manners don’t have to be a dealbreaker, but they are for some people. If you’ve talked to your partner about their uncomfortable habits and they show no signs of changing, you may just have to accept these quirks.
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Not showering or keeping up with oral hygiene is just yucky. Especially if you and your partner are physically intimate, they should always make sure they’re smelling good before you hang out with them. If your partner falls behind on their hygiene habits, it can make for a pretty gross makeout sesh. [13] X Research source
- If your partner’s hygiene standards are subpar, gently remind them to shower, brush their teeth, or wash their face. Hopefully, they’ll get the hint that if they want to keep you around, they need to put at least a little effort into how they look (and smell).
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Trying to change another human being usually ends in heartbreak. We can change small things about ourselves, but the bigger things, like core values and morals, are usually pretty set in stone. If your partner is trying to change you into their ideal version, your relationship may feel strained. [14] X Research source
- If you notice this in your relationship, let your partner know that you are who you are, and they aren’t going to be able to change you. For some people, this might be a dealbreaker.
- “I’m willing to make some changes for you, but not about the important stuff. If you can’t accept me for who I am, maybe we should just go our separate ways.”
- It can be helpful to try to remind your partner that you are two separate individuals with your own styles and behaviors.
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No one likes a sore winner, especially in a relationship. Even if your partner was totally right about something, gloating about it to your face is just bad form. Constantly being told, “See? I was right!” is going to get old after a while. [15] X Research source
- If you find yourself in this situation, sit your partner down and say something like, “There are going to be times where you’re right and I’m wrong, and that’s okay. What I need you to stop doing is gloating about it, since it’s making me feel really bad.”
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Your partner might leave you feeling unappreciated. Sure, you might like doing little things for your partner, like making them lunch or surprising them with a gift. But when your partner starts to expect these things from you (and doesn’t even say thank you), that’s when a relationship can start to feel strained. [16] X Research source
- Your partner might not even realize that you feel taken advantage of. Sit your partner down and let them know how you’ve been feeling so they can adjust their behavior.
- “I love doing nice things for you, but I feel like you’ve come to expect them now. It would really make me feel loved and appreciated if I got a ‘thank you’ every now and then.”
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If your partner tries to control you, that's a red flag. Maybe your partner tries to tell you who you can and can’t hang out with, or they ask to look through your phone all the time. This usually signifies that your partner doesn’t trust you, which can really take a toll on the relationship over time. [17] X Research source
- Controlling behavior can be annoying, but it can also escalate into something bigger. Let your partner know that this behavior isn’t okay so they can work on eliminating their trust issues.
- “I’ve given you no reason to doubt my trust over the years. I really need you to work on this so we can have a stable relationship.”
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Unnecessary jealousy can make your relationship tense. Does your partner get upset every time you hang out with close friends? Or, maybe they get mad the second you’re texting anyone else. These small acts of jealousy can lead to resentment, especially if it keeps happening over and over. [18] X Research source
- Work on building the trust in your relationship so your partner feels safe and secure.
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Shutting down a fight usually leads to unresolved issues. Every couple fights from time to time, and your relationship is probably no exception. But if your partner constantly leaves in the middle of an argument, you’re probably going to get tired of it very quickly. [19] X Research source
- Remind your partner that in order to fight fair , it should be you and your partner vs. the problem, not you vs. your partner. You two need to work together to figure out your issues instead of storming off.
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In a relationship, both partners need to take each other into account. Maybe your partner always decides where to eat, or they’re always the one picking the movie to watch. Over time, a selfish partner can make it feel like compromising (and even communicating) is impossible. [20] X Research source
- Be sure to speak up and advocate for your own needs. If your partner doesn’t ask what you want, just tell them. Hopefully, they will change their behavior over time.
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No one wants to live in a messy home. However, some people have a different threshold for mess and clutter than others. It might sound like no big deal, but if you and your partner aren’t on the same page about how clean the house should be, it can lead to issues later on. [21] X Research source
- Talk to your partner about an acceptable level of mess, and try to compromise with each other. Living together is all about balance, and you may both have to make some adjustments to your lifestyle.
- “I know you don’t mind the dirty dishes in the sink, but I do. Could we load them in the dishwasher when we’re done eating?”
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If your partner never listens to you, it can leave you feeling invisible. Maybe your partner looks like they’re listening to you, but when you talk about it later, they can’t remember a single thing you said. When this keeps happening, it might make you feel like your partner doesn’t value what you have to say. [22] X Research source
- When you have something important to tell your partner, ask them to get rid of any distractions and really listen to you. Over time, they may just start to implement active listening skills on their own.
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Loud snoring can disrupt your sleep, which makes for cranky mornings. While it might not sound like a big deal, if one partner snores and refuses to do anything about it, the other person isn’t going to be very happy. Not getting enough sleep can lead to fatigue, bad moods, and even mental health issues.
- Let your partner know how much their snoring impacts your mood and everyday life, then ask them to go to a doctor to get it checked out. [23] X Trustworthy Source Mayo Clinic Educational website from one of the world's leading hospitals Go to source If they drag their feet or refuse, consider sleeping separately so you can get some rest.
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If your partner is negative 24/7, it could be very draining. Does it feel like your partner never has anything good to say? Like… ever? Constant complaining can really start to grate on your nerves, especially if you’re a generally optimistic person. [24] X Research source
- Encourage your partner to look on the bright side of things. You probably won’t get them to become a ray of sunshine, but you can ask them to look for a silver lining in situations that aren’t super dire.
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Leaving the seat up signals that your partner isn’t thinking about you. It’s not a bachelor pad anymore, alright? If you’re dating someone who pees standing up, constantly having to close the toilet seat yourself can start to really grind your gears. [25] X Research source
- This is one of those annoying behaviors that you may just have to learn to live with. You can remind your partner time and time again, but if they still don’t get it, it might just be a personality quirk.
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When your partner thinks they can do it all, it can lead to problems. Have you ever been around someone who insisted they knew the way, but then got totally lost? A partner who refuses to admit when they need help (from you or anyone around them) can get irritating.
- Your partner might be doing this because they want to seem totally prepared and in charge. Try gently offering your help in a loving way to let them know that it’s okay not to know everything all the time.
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When your partner is rude to other people, it can be a huge turnoff. Maybe they snap at the waiter taking your order, or they yell at a friend for an innocent mistake. When your partner is rude to other people, it’s only a matter of time before they’re rude to you, too. [26] X Research source
- It’s frustrating when your partner’s actions don’t align with your moral values. Let your partner know that you don’t agree with what they did, but keep in mind that they’re unlikely to totally change who they are as a person.
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If your partner can’t make a decision to save their life, it can be tiring. When you ask them what they want for dinner: I don’t know, you choose! If you hand them the remote to pick a TV show: I don’t know, what do you want to watch? These small indecisions can lead to decision fatigue for the other person. [27] X Research source
- Tell your partner that you really value their opinion, and you want them to have an equal say in your relationship. “I hope you aren’t just agreeing with me to keep the peace. I want to know what you have to say to make sure you’re happy.”
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A mismatch in housework is going to lead to a lot of resentment. Many couples find that one person tends to take on more of the household chores than the other, but that doesn’t make it okay. If you always find yourself cleaning up around the house while your partner relaxes, you’re going to end up angry. [28] X Research source
- It might sound juvenile, but making a chore chart is a really good way to delineate tasks and make sure both people are doing their fair share.
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If you always foots the bill, it'll likely get old fast. Sure, it’s fine to treat your partner every now and then. But if your partner always scooches the check to your side of the table when it’s time to leave, you’re probably not going to be happy about it. [29] X Research source
- Have a discussion with your partner about paying your equal share in the relationship. Let them know that while you do like treating them every once in a while, they need to start paying for more things before you start getting resentful.
- “You know I love taking you out, but my budget just can’t handle paying for everything all the time. Could we start splitting the bill?”
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Constantly validating your partner can be exhausting. Sure, we all need a little praise and validation every now and then. But if your partner seeks you out every day for reassurance that you love them and want to be with them, you’re probably going to get annoyed eventually. [30] X Research source
- Try showing your love to your partner in little ways so they stop seeking validation via words. Give them a hug or buy them a small gift so they feel loved and appreciated always.
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If your partner leaves a mess for you to clean, it can be annoying. Yup, this one’s a little gross, but it’s true! If you and your partner just had a great time, but they immediately roll over and go to sleep, it means you’re stuck with the cleanup—and that’s just no fun.
- Say something like, “Hey, before we go to sleep, could we just change the sheets really quick?” That way, you’re both working together, and one person isn’t stuck staying awake to do the dirty work.
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Public arguments can be really embarrassing. If you’re a shy or introverted person, you probably don’t love it when your partner puts your business on blast. Constantly having to tell your partner to quiet down or to save it for later is going to get old.
- Make it clear to your partner that private business needs to stay private. Say something like, “It’s fine if you’re upset with me, but we need to argue at home where we can both express ourselves. Otherwise, I’m not going to be comfortable.”
Expert Q&A
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QuestionWhat should I do if my partner acts clingy?Erika Kaplan is a Dating Coach and Matchmaker for Three Day Rule, an exclusive matchmaking company across nine cities in the United States. With over six years of experience, Erika specializes in helping singles find quality matches through date coaching and premium matchmaking services. Erika graduated from Penn State with a Bachelor’s degree in Public Relations. She worked for Rolling Stone, Us Weekly, and Men’s Journal before leaving publishing to pursue her passion for connecting people. Erika has been featured on Lifetime, the Philadelphia Inquirer, and CBS as well as in Thrillist, Elite Daily, Men’s Health, Fast Company, and Refinery29.Set boundaries for what you're comfortable with, but try to meet your partner in the middle and compromise to ensure you both feel secure in the relationship.Thanks! We're glad this was helpful.
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QuestionIs it normal to have a lot of pet peeves?Chloe Carmichael, PhD is a Licensed Clinical Psychologist who runs a private practice in New York City. With over a decade of psychological consulting experience, Dr. Chloe specializes in relationship issues, stress management, self esteem, and career coaching. She has also instructed undergraduate courses at Long Island University and has served as adjunct faculty at the City University of New York. Dr. Chloe completed her PhD in Clinical Psychology at Long Island University in Brooklyn, New York and her clinical training at Lenox Hill Hospital and Kings County Hospital. She is accredited by the American Psychological Association and is the author of “Nervous Energy: Harness the Power of Your Anxiety” and “Dr. Chloe's 10 Commandments of Dating.”Yes! We're humans, after all. That doesn't mean you don't love your partner, though. Sometimes, when we're deeply in love, we can actually experience what psychologists call enmeshment, where we actually start feeling so close to our partner, that we almost start thinking of them as an extension of ourselves. When this happens, you can suddenly find every little quirk of theirs infuriating, maybe because you're angry about something else—but again, that doesn't necessarily mean that you're not in love with the person anymore.Thanks! We're glad this was helpful.
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- Pet peeves don’t have to be deal breakers. It’s all about deciding what you can (and can’t) live with!Thanks
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References
- ↑ https://www.joinonelove.org/learn/texting-dos-and-donts-in-relationships/
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/overcoming-destructive-anger/202209/why-the-silent-treatment-is-such-destructive-form-passive
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/emotional-fitness/201310/are-you-being-thoughtful-the-one-you-love
- ↑ https://psychcentral.com/blog/imperfect/2020/07/why-we-say-im-fine-when-we-arent
- ↑ https://www.today.com/health/30-second-therapist-my-husband-too-close-his-ex-wife-1B5565880
- ↑ https://goaskalice.columbia.edu/answered-questions/boyfriend-always-late-and-im-frustrated/
- ↑ https://www.cnn.com/2018/06/27/health/flirty-friend-relationship-sex-kerner/index.html
- ↑ https://www.relate.org.uk/get-help/my-partner-too-clingy
- ↑ https://www.psychalive.org/smartphone-ruining-relationship/
- ↑ https://psychcentral.com/blog/complaining-about-your-partner-to-your-friends-why-you-should-stop#1
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-squeaky-wheel/201305/5-reasons-why-some-people-will-never-say-sorry
- ↑ https://www.today.com/health/your-partner-s-annoying-habits-how-deal-t101956
- ↑ https://beathalitosis.com/bad-breath/bad-breath-relationships/
- ↑ https://psychcentral.com/lib/i-love-you-now-change-2#1
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/hope-relationships/201309/i-told-you-so
- ↑ https://www.relate.org.uk/get-help/being-taken-granted
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/friendship-20/201506/20-signs-of-a-controlling-partner
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/anxiety-files/201804/what-if-your-partner-is-jealous
- ↑ https://www.gottman.com/blog/the-four-horsemen-stonewalling/
- ↑ https://psychcentral.com/lib/selfishness-in-couples-narcissism-lack-of-interpersonal-skills-or-something-else#1
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/articles/200705/advice-my-boyfriend-is-messy
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/resolution-not-conflict/201407/why-doesnt-shehe-listen-me-10-possibilities
- ↑ https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/snoring/symptoms-causes/syc-20377694
- ↑ https://psychcentral.com/blog/how-to-stop-complaining-in-a-relationship
- ↑ https://www.cosmopolitan.com/sex-love/news/a59581/struggles-of-sharing-a-bathroom-with-men/
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/close-encounters/201603/why-our-partners-embarrass-us
- ↑ https://www.joinonelove.org/learn/4-signs-your-relationship-is-based-on-inequality/
- ↑ https://ideas.ted.com/how-to-split-the-chores-with-your-partner-minus-the-drama-and-fighting/
- ↑ https://www.forbes.com/sites/kimelsesser/2020/02/12/who-should-pay-for-dates-how-chivalry-contributes-to-the-gender-pay-gap/?sh=6b9cac253fa3
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/addiction-and-recovery/201907/stop-seeking-validation-others
About This Article
This article was co-authored by Chloe Carmichael, PhD
and by wikiHow staff writer, Hannah Madden
. Chloe Carmichael, PhD is a Licensed Clinical Psychologist who runs a private practice in New York City. With over a decade of psychological consulting experience, Dr. Chloe specializes in relationship issues, stress management, self esteem, and career coaching. She has also instructed undergraduate courses at Long Island University and has served as adjunct faculty at the City University of New York. Dr. Chloe completed her PhD in Clinical Psychology at Long Island University in Brooklyn, New York and her clinical training at Lenox Hill Hospital and Kings County Hospital. She is accredited by the American Psychological Association and is the author of “Nervous Energy: Harness the Power of Your Anxiety” and “Dr. Chloe's 10 Commandments of Dating.” This article has been viewed 75,696 times.
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Categories: Maintaining Relationships
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