What’s the Difference Between “Queer” and “Gay”?

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Everything you need to know about these LGBTQ terms
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You may have heard members of the LGBTQ+ community referring to themselves as “gay,” “queer,” or both. But what exactly do these terms mean, and how are they different? If you’re interested in the answers to these questions, you’ve come to the right place! We’ve compiled a helpful guide on the terms “queer” and “gay,” including their definitions and the key differences between them. We’ve also included additional insights from therapists who specialize in working with the LGBTQ+ community, Kateri Berasi, PsyD, and Lauren Urban, LCSW. Keep reading for everything you need to know!

Queer vs. Gay

“Gay” typically refers to someone who is attracted to people of the same gender. “Queer,” on the other hand, is more of an umbrella term for members of the LGBTQ community, including bisexual, transgender, and nonbinary people. The term used to be a slur, but many younger LGBTQ people have reclaimed it in a positive way.

Section 1 of 4:

The Difference Between “Queer” and “Gay”

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  1. The term “gay” usually refers to someone who is romantically and/or sexually attracted to people of their same gender (i.e., a woman who is attracted to other women, or a man who is attracted to other men). [1] On the other hand, the term “queer” usually refers to members of the LGBTQ+ community more generally, including bisexual, transgender, and nonbinary people, as well as people who identify as fluid in their sexuality. [2]
    • In other words, the word “queer” basically indicates that someone is not heterosexual, and/or that they’re not cisgender.
    • It’s possible for someone to identify with one label but not the other, or to identify with both labels.
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Section 2 of 4:

History of the Term “Queer”

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  1. “Queer” used to be a derogatory term for members of the LGBTQ+ community. Although “queer” used to be a hurtful slur, many younger generations of LGTBQ+ people have chosen to reclaim the word as a term of defiance and pride. The term “queer” is used by many members of the LGBTQ+ community today to indicate that they reject traditional labels of sexual orientation and/or gender identity, and that they reject other harmful norms like racism, sizeism, and ableism. [3]
    • It’s important to note, however, that “queer” isn’t a universally accepted term in the LGBTQ+ community.
    • Many older members of the community still associate the term with its hurtful, derogatory connotations from decades past.
    • As a result, it’s important to exercise caution when referring to someone as “queer.” As a general rule of thumb, you should only use this term to describe someone if they self-identify this way. [4]
Section 3 of 4:

Bisexual vs. Pansexual

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  1. In general, “bisexual” refers to someone who is attracted to more than one gender. This could mean that they are attracted to only two genders (men and women), or more than two genders (men, women, nonbinary people, and anyone else on the gender spectrum). “Pansexual,” on the other hand, refers to someone who is attracted to people regardless of gender. [5] This means they don’t consider gender as a determining factor in their attractions, meaning that they can fall in love with a person of any gender.
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Section 4 of 4:

FAQs About Gay & Queer Identity

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  1. 1
    Is it okay to ask a friend about their sexuality? “First and foremost, it is always better to ask than to make assumptions,” explains Berasi. However, there are a few important things to consider before starting this conversation with your friend. “Ask yourself why you want to know this and why it matters to you. Are you coming from an open place or a judgmental place? If you’re inquiring due to a desire to find connection or from a place of empathy or support, these are good indicators that your question will be well received and helpful, as opposed to harmful or hurtful.”
    • In other words, make sure you’re asking because you want to express support, acceptance, and love, not because you’re trying to judge or change them.
  2. 2
    Is it normal to want to know if a friend is gay or queer? According to Berasi, it’s natural to be curious about your friends’ sexualities. “Most people are curious about themselves and how they relate to others. Therefore, it’s understandable to want to have an idea of the sexuality of important people in your life, as this is an identity status that is ‘invisible’ and cannot be known simply by looking at someone,” she explains.
  3. 3
    What should you do if people are intolerant of your queer identity? If you’re dealing with unaccepting people in your life as a queer person, Urban stresses that this is an issue on their end, not yours. “It’s more about them and their turning their minds toward acceptance and openness than it is about you,” she explains.
    • If you’re looking for resources to educate them, Urban suggests checking out GLAAD or PFLAG. “There’s all kinds of organizations out there that will probably have reading materials for people who are coming out and for their families, in order to help their families and friends support them.”
    • Although many people are capable of eradicating their biases or prejudices, Urban points out that it may be a long process. “Coming out is a process, people’s understanding of your coming out is going to be a process,” she says. “They’re going to change in their own time, but understand that there’s nothing wrong with you, and you’re perfect.”
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      References

      1. ↑ https://www.stonewall.org.uk/resources/list-lgbtq-terms
      2. ↑ https://glaad.org/reference/terms/
      3. ↑ https://www.stonewall.org.uk/resources/list-lgbtq-terms
      4. ↑ https://glaad.org/reference/terms/
      5. ↑ https://glaad.org/reference/terms/

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