How to Resist the Urge to Eavesdrop

Co-authored by Allison Broennimann, PhD

Last Updated: October 3, 2023

It can be really tempting to eavesdrop on other people's conversations, whether they're your neighbors, your parents, or the loud stranger taking a phone call outside. But eavesdropping can be rude and even dangerous. How do you stop eavesdropping? We'll give you a list of ways to switch up your thought process around eavesdropping and stop listening to private conversations.

1

Put yourself in the other person's shoes.

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Imagine you have some sensitive issue you need to discuss with someone. You find a trusted person (parent, teacher, best friend, therapist, etc), muster your courage and tell this person your situation. Now, imagine that someone who has no respect for your situation or your privacy comes listening in for their personal amusement. Keep that feeling in mind, and decide to do the right thing.

2

Recognize that eavesdropping is serious.

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Eavesdropping is disrespectful and it can even be a form of betrayal. Eavesdropping on a private conversation is not something that's slightly out-of-line. It's not like being late, it's not like cutting in a line-up, and it's often even worse than name-calling. It's also not like sneaking up to someone and saying 'boo' or throwing a snowball at them while their back is turned. Eavesdropping cannot be shrugged off with a "nobody's perfect," "we all have our faults" or in any way be overlooked by others as long as you're otherwise a nice person. (You'll never be seen as "a nice person with a big nose")
- The feelings that an eavesdropped person often feels are that of trespass, betrayal, breach of trust and confidentiality, hurt and humiliation. These feelings are difficult to dispel even with an apology, let alone the eavesdropped person being able or willing to shrug or laugh them off.
- On a moral scale, eavesdropping is about on the same level as following a person everywhere they go and looking at them, laying your hand on a sensitive part of a person's body, or having an affair.

3

Understand that eavesdropping can be dangerous.

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When people cannot trust that their conversation is kept between them and their intended recipient alone, important, sensitive issues could go unreported. In other words, an eavesdropped person may be left feeling like they can never discuss anything private ever again, and this could have grave outcomes if ever they're being bullied, abused, have mental issues, witness child abuse, or otherwise need help in the future.

4

Avoid trying to justify your actions.

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Eavesdropping violates other people's privacy, so it's not okay. Some eavesdroppers try to justify their eavesdropping by saying that the other person doesn't know, so they're not hurt by the action. Therefore, the eavesdropper will eavesdrop, in secret, for their personal amusement, and then not tell anyone what they did, nor disclose to anyone what they heard. However, this does not justify eavesdropping. In fact, you are effectively lying to the people conversing that their conversation is being kept private, when it isn't. Think of it this way: would you feel comfortable having a private conversation with someone if someone else MIGHT be listening in? Maybe your conversation is kept private, but maybe it isn't? Probably not.
- Also, using lack of knowledge to justify eavesdropping would, by extension, justify other surreptitious wrongs, such as cheating in a relationship, being a peeping tom, shoplifting without getting caught, cheating on a test or "buying" a paper for school, or a crematorium keeping a body for research and giving the family pretend ashes. No knowledge does not mean no victim.
- Besides, if you had any respect for the people having the private conversation, you would WANT their conversation to remain private between the two of them.

5

Evaluate the legal implications.

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This is often true if an auditory or recording device is used to eavesdrop, in which case it's called "bugging" and you can go to jail for it. Eavesdropping with the ear alone is not generally considered illegal, but it is unethical, seriously wrong, and the damage is still the same.

6

Ask yourself "Do I really need to know this?"

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Apart from gratification or amusement, eavesdropping doesn't produce a great outcome. How does it harm you to not know another person's private life or information? You may be left feeling like you don't know everything, but hey, nobody knows everything anyway, nor can anybody know everything, so there's no harm done. Some things are unknown because they're meant to be that way.

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I heard my friend fighting with her boyfriend and then starting to cry over the phone. I tried not to hear. I want to do something for her but I don’t want her to know I heard her. What should I do?

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Tell her something like, "I am sorry, but I couldn't help but to overhear your fight. Are you okay? Is there anything I can do to help?" That way, she will know that you didn't intend to eavesdrop and that you are genuinely concerned and want to help. The worst that can happen is that she says, "I appreciate you trying to help, but I am simply not comfortable with you getting involved in this."

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My aunt is always eavesdropping on my personal conversations. She is very cunning, often eavesdropping outside everyone's rooms. What should I do?

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Tell her to stop, that it's really bothering you and you feel like you can't have a private conversation if she is in the house.

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Is it eavesdropping if the person is talking clearly and loudly in the same room you're in?

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No. If they are not making any effort to be discreet and clearly do not see their conversation as private, you are not eavesdropping.

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Tips

You can avoid the temptation to eavesdrop by staying away from isolated areas and closed doors as much as you can.

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Consider eavesdropping as auditory voyeurism. If you would not secretly watch someone going to the bathroom, taking a shower, changing clothes or having sex, for example, why would it be any more permissible to secretly listen to someone's private conversation?

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If you overhear any part of a private conversation by accident, promptly walk away and, if you can, forget what you heard. Unless, there's some serious danger to yourself, or another, don't tell anyone what you heard.

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Warnings

Be aware that getting caught eavesdropping could land you in real hot water. Some people will yell at, attack, or even call the police on someone they catch listening in on their private conversations.

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Do not eavesdrop on someone's private conversation with intent to gather information to help the person with their situation. It's still none of your business, and if they're already discussing their personal situation in their conversation, that means they're already seeking and receiving help for it. Besides, if they want your help, they will ask you for it.

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Also, do not secretly procure or pay a spy to listen in on a private conversation you have with someone as a "prank" to the person you're talking to (not even if it's April Fools Day). It's just too hurtful and damaging to work as a practical joke.

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In addition to avoiding eavesdropping, if you're having a private conversation with someone, don't knowingly let any other person listen to or hear the conversation without the prior consent of the person you're talking to. If you're having a private conversation with someone, and you notice someone eavesdropping, quietly move the person you're talking to to another location, or confront the eavesdropper.

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How to Resist the Urge to Eavesdrop

Steps

Put yourself in the other person's shoes.

Recognize that eavesdropping is serious.

Understand that eavesdropping can be dangerous.

Avoid trying to justify your actions.

Evaluate the legal implications.

Ask yourself "Do I really need to know this?"

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