How to Respond to a Narcissistic Ex-Husband

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Top communication tips to talk to your narcissistic ex
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If you’ve divorced an ex who displayed narcissistic behaviors throughout your relationship, it can feel like the start of a new chapter in your life. However, there may come a time (or lots of times) when you still have to talk to your ex about your kids, finances, or assets. We're here to help you have productive, constructive conversations with your ex that don’t end in a fight.

This article is based on an interview with our licensed professional clinical counselor, Jay Reid, LPCC. Check out the full interview here.

Dealing with a Narcissistic Ex-Husband

  1. Only contact your ex when necessary.
  2. Communicate over text and email as much as possible.
  3. Avoid apologizing or reacting strongly to what he says.
  4. Stick to only the conversation topic at hand.
  5. Set boundaries gently but firmly.
  6. Ignore any love-bombing behaviors.
  7. Focus on your own goals and mental health.
1

Limit contact with your ex.

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  1. In a perfect world, you’d be able to cut your ex out of your life completely—but even after a divorce, that might not be possible. Try to talk to him as infrequently as you can, and only chat with him about important stuff, like your kids (if you have them) and any loose ends you need to tie up. [1]
    • If you are able to cut your ex out of your life, try implementing the no-contact rule. Block him everywhere (including social media) and don’t reach out to let him know he’s out of your life for good.
    • Reader Poll: We asked 378 wikiHow readers, and 66% agreed that the best way to maintain boundaries with a toxic ex is by blocking their number and social media accounts. [Take Poll]
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2

Send texts or emails instead of talking in person.

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  1. When you need to contact your ex, write it out in an email or a text, then send it to him that way. You can avoid a lot of unnecessary fights and arguments this way, and it gives him a chance to compose himself before he responds.
    • This is a great idea for communication if you are co-parenting with an individual who has narcissist traits.
3

Try to stay calm when you two talk.

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  1. Your ex might say some upsetting things to you, and your first reaction might be to scream, yell, or cry. Take a few deep breaths and try to keep your feelings in check, then respond in a calm, polite tone. [2]
    • Your ex-husband may want you to get riled up, so he might say very inflammatory things just to upset you. If this happens, try not to take it personally, and remind yourself that he’s not your husband anymore.
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4

Ignore his love bombing.

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  1. If your ex-husband suddenly starts being super nice to you or giving you lots of compliments, be very wary of that. Some people with narcissistic qualities may be overly nice and loving to people to win them over before sliding back into toxic or manipulative tendencies. [3] Remember who your ex is, and don’t fall for this behavior.
    • You can calmly but firmly ignore his advances by saying something like, “That’s very nice of you. Thank you.” Then, move on .
5

Focus on the subject at hand.

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  1. If you absolutely have to talk to your ex, go with one subject in mind. Otherwise, you could spend ages talking in circles or debating the history of your relationship. Try not to get sidetracked, even if he attempts to guide you away from the main issue.
    • If he tries to bring up other things, say something like, “That’s not what we’re here to talk about. I’d like to get back to the original issue.”
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6

Talk to him gently but firmly.

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  1. If your ex has narcissistic tendencies, he may interpret a negative tone as a threat, which could make him lash out. When you talk to your ex, keep your tone of voice solid, and don’t back down if he makes threats against you. [4]
    • For instance, instead of saying, “I hate when you talk to me like that,” try, “Please don’t speak to me in that tone of voice.”
    • Instead of saying, “You’re acting like a child,” try, “Let’s both try to talk this through like mature adults.”
7

State your boundaries clearly.

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  1. If you don’t state your boundaries , your ex might think it’s okay to walk all over you. Tell him that you’re not going to stand for any abuse or manipulation, and feel free to leave the situation if he gets out of line. [5]
    • For instance, if he starts yelling, you could say, “I’m not going to listen to you if you raise your voice at me. Please lower your voice.”
    • If he insults you, you might say, “I won’t have a conversation with you if you’re going to be nasty. I want to be civil with you, so please treat me with respect.”
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8

Focus on the present, not the past.

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  1. If your ex-husband tries to bring up your marriage or what happened in the past, shut him down gently but firmly. Stick to the issue at hand, and only talk about the present or the future. That way, you can avoid starting arguments or fighting about old topics again.
    • Try something like, “I really don’t want to talk about what happened in the past. Could we just move on?”
    • Or, “I’d rather not dive into that right now. Let’s talk about what we came here to talk about.”
9

Take a neutral stance on anything he says.

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  1. Try to be non-committal, and don’t say you’re in favor (or not in favor) of anything your ex brings up. Agreeing can encourage his behavior, while disagreeing can provoke him into lashing out. [6]
    • Use phrases like, “Maybe,” “We’ll see,” or, “I’m not sure,” to stay natural without riling him up.
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10

Don’t apologize to him.

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  1. If your ex tries to do this by guilting or gaslighting you, don’t let him—refuse to say you’re sorry for whatever criticism he throws your way, and keep your own self-worth at the forefront of your mind. [7]
    • Apologizing to him can lead to you softening your boundaries or doing things you don’t actually want to do.
    • Your ex might try to make you feel powerless. The best thing you can do is remind yourself that you do have the power, and he’s not in control of you. [8]
11

Remember that his behavior is not your fault.

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  1. It’s easy to take the blame for an ex-partner’s behavior, especially if they’re especially skilled at shaming other people (which people with narcissistic qualities have a tendency to do). [9] Keep reminding yourself that you two are done now, and you don’t have to live with him or be in a relationship with him ever again.
    • When you’re having a tough interaction with him, keep thinking about how you get to leave and go home without him. If you can keep that in the forefront of your mind, it might just give you the strength to push through.
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12

Focus on your own goals.

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  1. Now that you’re divorced, you get to decide what you want to do, where you want to live, and how you want to behave. Keep doing things to better yourself and improve your life, and let your ex-husband become a distant memory as much as possible. [10]
    • Keep up with friends and enjoy new hobbies to distract yourself from your ex.
13

See a therapist if you need to.

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  1. If you’re having a tough time interacting with your ex-husband or coming to terms with the impact of his narcissistic traits, make an appointment with a mental health professional. They can help you work through past trauma and come up with ways you can interact with your ex in a positive, constructive manner. [11]
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How Do You Manage a Relationship With a Narcissist?


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      Tips

      • Keep in mind that people with diagnosed narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) may struggle with a lack of empathy. However, this symptom does not equal complete disregard for other people. If your ex-husband seems cruel or uncaring toward you, it may just be a manifestation of these symptoms that he hasn’t learned how to manage. [13]
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      • Also keep in mind that only a licensed psychologist can diagnose narcissistic personality disorder (NPD). If your ex-husband doesn’t have a clinical diagnosis as a narcissist, avoid labeling him as such. Someone can have narcissistic traits without having true NPD (and someone who has NPD isn’t necessarily toxic, manipulative, or abusive). [14]
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      References

      1. ↑ https://www.helpguide.org/articles/mental-disorders/narcissistic-personality-disorder.htm
      2. ↑ https://psychcentral.com/blog/the-language-of-narcissists#2
      3. ↑ Jay Reid, LPCC. Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor. Expert Interview. 7 August 2020.
      4. ↑ https://www.helpguide.org/articles/mental-disorders/narcissistic-personality-disorder.htm
      5. ↑ Adam Dorsay, PsyD. Licensed Psychologist & TEDx Speaker. Expert Interview. 11 April 2019
      6. ↑ https://psychcentral.com/blog/the-language-of-narcissists#2
      7. ↑ https://psychcentral.com/blog/the-language-of-narcissists#2
      8. ↑ Adam Dorsay, PsyD. Licensed Psychologist & TEDx Speaker. Expert Interview. 11 April 2019
      9. ↑ Jay Reid, LPCC. Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor. Expert Interview. 7 August 2020.
      1. ↑ https://www.helpguide.org/articles/mental-disorders/narcissistic-personality-disorder.htm
      2. ↑ Jay Reid, LPCC. Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor. Expert Interview. 7 August 2020.
      3. ↑ Liana Georgoulis, PsyD. Licensed Psychologist. Expert Interview. 6 September 2018.
      4. ↑ Jay Reid, LPCC. Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor. Expert Interview. 7 August 2020.
      5. ↑ https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/narcissistic-personality-disorder/diagnosis-treatment/drc-20366690

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